Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.
Also:
I really like this chapter. Much much better than the last chapter. Now that I'm getting into series 3, I'm finding it easier to write, seeing as how I've had these chapters planned out in my head for a while.
Also, we're getting closer to the climax of the story, which was the first thing I ever thought about for this story, so I'm getting closer to writing that, and I am getting really anxious. I hope I can write it down and give it justice to the scene I have mapped out in my head.
Thank you so much for your reviews! They've been wonderful, and they mean so much to me, seeing as how this is my first fic, and I was really worried about it not being good. So please, keep it up, read and review, and be my motivation! =p
Oh, and please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes…It's three in the morning, and my proofreading skills might not be up to par.
Much Love, xoxo
For the next few days, Anna was extremely busy. From dawn until dusk, she was running around the house non-stop. On top of her usual day-to-day housemaid duties as well as her lady's maid duties, she also had a major role in the decoration and preparation for Lady Mary's wedding. There was so much to get done, and Anna had a part in almost all of it. She had to make sure everything was perfect concerning Mary's dress and her appearance for the big day, as well as the decorating of the house, alongside Mrs. Hughes. She was also given the task of taking care of the majority of the flowers that would be used. She was constantly on the move, and the only time she had to relax was during meal times and at night.
Even then, at night, she spent her time in the ballroom, letting go of her frustrations, instead of actually using that time to relax. This being said, she found herself becoming more and more tired, which made her more and more easily irritated during the day. She found herself becoming more annoyed, angry, frustrated, and even jealous by everything happening for Mary, and she felt bad for it. However, she'd feel bad one minute, then something else would happen or someone else would say something and she'd be back to feeling bitter about the entire situation. She didn't like feeling that way, but she couldn't help it.
She didn't understand why Mary was allowed to be happy and she wasn't. She couldn't wrap her head around why she was being punished when she did absolutely nothing wrong. Along with this, she found herself thinking a lot about the incident with Mr. Pamuk all those years ago. Anna had never done anything like that. Never. It was Mary. Why was Mary allowed to be happy now, when she had done something so terrible before? Especially when her mistakes had almost been exposed, and almost tarnished the family's name, as well as Anna's? Anna had never done anything to that extent in her entire life. Why was her husband taken away from her and put in jail? Especially when hedidn't do anything wrong either? Why wasn't she allowed to be happy?
These thoughts constantly made Anna feel very cynical and angry. During the day, she fought hard to keep these thoughts from her mind to make sure she didn't say anything she would regret.
This was one of the reasons she spent so much time in the ballroom. When she was dancing, she was able to think about whatever she wanted. She was also able to think out loud. Sometimes, she would sit in front of the wall of mirrors and talk to her reflection about what she was feeling. She knew that if anyone else knew what she was doing, or hear some of the things she was saying, they would think she was mad, which was one of the reasons why she was so grateful for the solitude of the ballroom.
However, the past few nights, sitting in front of the glass mirrors, these thoughts ended up making her incredibly upset. She became quite depressed as her thoughts wandered to John and never truly being happy with him. She found herself crying more and more. All this joy and happiness around her was really getting to her, and she didn't know if she could handle it. That was why she had decided to not go on the full honeymoon with Mary and Matthew. She would rather stay at Downton, as things died down, and kept going to see John as much as she could.
Because she was becoming more depressed, she was also dancing more intensely. She would spin and spin and spin, making herself dizzy, before collapsing to the ground as her ankles gave out. She would then wait a few minutes, then get up and do it again and again. She would spin and fly around the room, often times closing her eyes to let the music take her wherever it wanted. More than once, she found herself getting extremely close to the walls as well as the piles and piles of furniture that lined the wall opposite the windows and the wall opposite the mirrors. There were tables, chairs, bureaus, armoires, and almost every type of furniture Anna had ever seen stacked up against the walls. They had been there the first time Anna had entered the ballroom when she first came to Downton, and they hadn't been touched since, except by dust.
Dancing like this, she was able to get her frustration and anger out of her system so that she didn't show it during the day when she was always under scrutiny. This was her release in a way. Once she was able to let go of all her angry feelings, she was able to face the next day, where she would let the anger build up again, and then release it all again the next night. She had a system, and for the anger, it seemed to be working. However, sometimes it wasn't as effective for the depression that always came creeping back, along with the constant soreness of her aching legs.
Now, as Anna worked on getting Lady Mary's things together for her night time routine while the family was still having dinner, she felt the sadness creeping up again, as it often did when she was by herself. In an attempt to fight these recent bouts of depression, Anna was trying to go and see John as much as she could. This week, she had already been to see him twice, and she was planning on going again tomorrow. She was somewhat getting used to seeing him in the prison. She knew he didn't belong there, and for a while, going to see him broke her heart. Now, she had decided that feeling bad for him while he was in there wasn't going to help get him out. So during her visits, she swore to herself she wouldn't allow him to see her upset or depressed or frustrated at anything. She vowed to herself that the only Anna he would see was the upbeat, positive, and somewhat stubborn side of her.
That night as the servants had their dinner, the hall was abuzz with the gossip about how Branson's drink had been tampered with by one of the guests. When Anna had heard, she didn't think it was true. How could anyone be so cruel, especially to a person like Branson, who had always been such a nice person? But then, when she went to dress Mary for bed and heard a first-hand account from her, she was forced to believe the story, and she again questioned how someone could do something so awful.
"Why would Mr. Grey do something like that? What did Mr. Branson ever do to him?" Anna stood behind Mary at the vanity, brushing her hair.
"I don't know," Mary shook her head. "It was horrendous. At least Matthew was able to salvage the evening by asking Branson to be his best man."
At this, Anna dropped the hairbrush to the floor. She had not heard that detail at dinner, and it came as a bit of a shock to her. She had not thought Mr. Matthew and Mr. Branson were that close.
She quickly bent down to pick the brush up off the floor, but as she straightened her legs again and stood back up, her legs began to throb with soreness and pain shot down to her ankles. She clenched her jaw and winced at the sensation, but then quickly tried to make it seem as though nothing had happened and Lady Mary wouldn't notice.
However, to Anna's displeasure, Mary had seen Anna's reaction, and being Mary, she couldn't let it go. "Anna? Are you alright?"
Anna went back to brushing Mary's hair. "Yes. I'm perfectly fine, milady." She smiled weakly at Mary in the mirror but soon figured out that Mary wasn't going to buy her silly smirk when Mary raised her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes at her. Sighing, Anna gave in saying, "It's nothing, milady. I'm just a bit sore, that's all."
"Sore? From what?" Mary's eyes widened back to normal again, but her eyebrows stayed raised, in a way that showed curiosity and concern. "From working on the house in London?"
"Uhh.,.No. Not exactly." Anna put her head down and she tried to concentrate on pulling the brush through Mary's hair.
"Then what?" Mary turned around to face Anna directly, forcing Anna to stop brushing, and focus her attention on Mary.
She then looked Mary directly in the eye and felt a twinge of guilt when she saw the deep concern there. Anna took in a shaky breath. She didn't know why she was so nervous. It was just Mary. She wouldn't be upset. She wasn't upset all those years ago when Anna had just arrived at Downton. In fact, when Anna first arrived, she and Mary were the same age and Mary had actually been the one to show Anna the ballroom and give it to her to use. Why was she so afraid now? Surely Mary wouldn't mind.
"I…I've been dancing again, milady." Again, Anna looked down and found occupation by fidgeting with her fingers. After a few moments of silence, she gathered the courage to look up. However, when she did look at Mary again, she was surprised by what she saw. Instead of a disapproving look as Anna had suspected, she found Mary to be smiling at her. Anna couldn't help but smile back. This time, she didn't have to fake it.
"Anna! That's wonderful! Why didn't you tell me before?"
Anna sighed in relief, and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I just didn't know whether you'd approve or not. No one else knows."
"Why would I disapprove? I was the one that gave you permission to use the ballroom when we were younger."
"I know. It was silly. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry! You love dancing, and you should always be able to do what you love." Mary turned back around and smiled at Anna in the mirror again and the maid resumed brushing Mary's long hair. "So when do you go up there?"
"Oh, only at night, milady. Just like before. I've got so much going on during the day that I don't have a chance to get away until everyone's gone to bed."
"I understand. And your Mikiphone? Does it still work? Do you still use it?"
"Yes, milady." Anna smiled softly at Mary again.
"Good. Oh Anna, this really is marvelous. Since everything happened with Bates, I really have been worried about you. I'm glad you've found something else that's able to give you an escape and some happiness."
"Me too."
"Just as long as you don't take it too far. Don't push yourself too much. And don't forget to sleep! You need your sleep as well."
"Don't worry milady. I'm fine. I know my boundaries."
"Good."
With that, Mary gave another smile in Anna's direction as she said that was all she needed for the night. As Anna made her way out of the room, she felt as though a bit of weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She was glad that she had someone else who knew she was dancing again. She was also glad that she and Mary had another thing that they could connect over again. Being able to talk to Mary about something other than the wedding was nice, and she hoped that they could continue to talk about the dancing some more. After all, that topic didn't make Anna angry or frustrated at Mary, and that was a relief.
That night, she danced some more, but she didn't have as much anger to let loose. Talking about the dancing had somehow taken away some of her bitterness she had accumulated through the day, and she was thankful for that. She left the ballroom early that night and got a fairly good night's sleep, with the thought of seeing John again the next afternoon.
The next morning, the house was ablaze with the arrival of Lady Cora's mother, Martha Levinson. Everyone was running around, making sure things were perfect, and for that reason, Anna was glad to be able to get away for a while and to see John.
As the guard led her into the visitation cell, her heart skipped a beat when she saw him smiling at her from the table. She sat down across from him, and began their usual conversation. After their usual How are you's, Anna started in on an actual conversation, not wanting to waste a single minute she had with him. "How are you getting on with your new companion?"
"I don't like him, but so far I've kept it to myself." Anna nodded slightly, noting that he didn't seem to want to continue on the subject. She realized she was right as he continued on, "So...who are the bridesmaids?"
She smiled at him. It was just like him to ask questions that he didn't really want to know the answers to, just to keep Anna talking. "You don't care about all that."
He smiled back at her. "You're wrong. It's the stuff of my dreams! The panic that a dinner won't be ready, or a frock isn't ironed or a gun wasn't cleaned."
Anna smiled at him again, loving him for trying to pretend he was interested. Although, somewhere in her mind, she thought he might actually be telling the truth.
Even still, he continued, "Do you know where you're going for the honeymoon?"
Anna leaned forward slightly in her chair, "Oh, I want to talk about that. They'll stay in London with Lady Rosamund for a couple of days just to get used to each other." She chuckled at her own statement, then smiled bigger when she saw him smiling back at her. She loved seeing him smile the way he did. The crinkles by his eyes were so endearing and she was glad to see that the harsh confines of prison were not able to dull the shine of his eyes. "And then they go to the south of France. I'll hire a replacement in London, and then I'll come home instead. Lady Mary won't mind. I'll pay."
John's smile started to fade and his brow furrowed as he listened to her words. "Why would you do that?"
"Well…to be near you, of course."
"Don't you understand?" He shook his head slightly. "While I'm in here, you have to live my life, as well as your own. Go to France, see some sights. Get us some memories."
Anna furrowed her own eyebrows in confusion, and shook her head. "But I wouldn't be home for a month."
"Then we'd have something to talk about. Go…I insist."
Anna just looked at him, unsure what to say. She didn't want to leave him. She didn't want to go a whole month without seeing or hearing from him. Not only that, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to last a whole month with Mary and Matthew's newlywed bliss, knowing that she never had that. She stared at him, thinking about what he had asked her.
He looked at her again, a look on his face that Anna could not place with any specific emotion. "For my sake."
Again, she just looked at him. However, on her way back to Downton after their visit, she decided that she would do as he asked. Who knew, maybe a month away from the hustle and bustle of the house would do her good. Maybe some time to explore and see the world would help her. She would miss him, of that she was absolutely sure. But there was no point in missing out on something that could be wonderful, especially when she had promised him that she would try to live life as normal as possible.
She was going to go to France with Mary and Matthew, and she would try her best to not be bitter and cynical during the trip. She would try to have fun and see new things and be happy about it. For John's sake, she would try her best.
But what if her best was not good enough?