Chapter Four – Playing With Danger

~CITY (THREE)~

There was a short span of time the Reindoonicorn effortlessly carried the three mercs along, gliding just under the roof. Then the laws of physics remembered to apply and they crash-landed in the table section of the department store.

"Right." Engy got to his feet like nothing had happened, hoping the remainder of his sanity would hold up. "We're gonna need one table for the rec room." He turned to address Pyro and Scout, making absolute certain they understood the 'one' thing.

Of course, they were gone.

"Why do Ah even bother…" The Engineer trudged dutifully after them, wondering if he would've been better off coming alone.

For the record, he would have. Cue gunshot.

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

One large, recalibrating bonk to the head later, Sniper was feeling significantly less drunk and a lot more in pain. Not to mention the lack of recollection of where he was. Mildly unsettling.

He was comforted by the usual sight of Soldier screaming at something and banging a shovel against his helmet. It was hauntingly familiar to every other time he saw said teammate.

"Um, Soldier?" Sniper sat up, having found out he was lying on a linoleum floor somewhere, "Where are we, mate?"

Soldier glanced at the marksman from where he was punching an upended shopping trolley. He sheepishly lowered both fists before replying;

"Well… do you remember that place we went to? About the space of fifty one chapters ago, if ya count the oneshots."

"'Course."

"We're there."

"I see."

The pair of them awkwardly stared at each other, silence lengthening between them. Then the Demoman flickered across their respective fields of vision, juggling microwaves. Oh good; things make sense again. Carry on lads.

~CITY (ONE)~

As I'm sure/fairly certain you all know, part of a Spy's job involves not being recognised. Hence, someone recognising our pally Spy here- that's kinda a buzzkill. The Frenchman pivoted in slow motion to see just who dared to know who he was.

The owner of the shop.

Heavy and Medic exchanged a puzzled glance in the background as the Spy looked on blankly in disguised horror. The manager and merc stared each other down for several minutes, until the former slowly said;

"Yeah… It's definitely you- the guy who I hired for some reason! You're the one who got maced while wearing the fish costume."

Trying to ignore the insensitive schadenfreude of his colleagues, the Spy straightened his tie. Time to be a smart-ass and get his way out of this one.

~CITY (THREE)~

Engy learned something wonderful that day.

He found that, if he didn't look, didn't open his eyes, then as far as he was concerned everything was alright. Great feeling, knowing everything's alright.

He did, however, discover a flaw in this.

He could still hear the gunfire.

"S'fine, Engy," he consoled himself, still not looking, "Nothing's happenin' out there. NOTHIN'." A massive explosion literally shook the department store. "Nothin' nothin' nothin'…" Reluctantly, the Engineer cracked one eye open. "Aw… gosh darn it to heck…"

Pyro, evidently, had made a large-scale Jenga tower out of tables, and it used a combination of airblasts and shotgun shells to play. At the other end of the table aisle, Scout had blown up the staff coffee machine and was running circles around it, firing off his scattergun for some unspecified purpose.

Both offense classes were positively riddled with splinters, too.

Well then. That posed a practical problem. The Engineer deliberately drew his wrench from his tool belt, Teddy Roosebelt snuggling into the ammo pouch for safety.

Engy fixed practical problems.

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

Now moderately-sober as a unit, the Demoman, Soldier and Sniper continued shopping. They started with the obvious- toasters! It's not like they had hundreds back at the base or anything. Soldier felt himself pout. The point was, they had to outshop the others so his bro Scout wouldn't ditch him again.

With that in mind, the mercs realised they needed an expert's opinion, so they could purchase the very best toaster.

Wait, purchase?

"We, eh, don' have money." Demo observed at last, scratching the back of his head. Soldier nodded, the same thing having dawned on him. The pair of them proceeded to shrug aloofly and begin searching for a member of staff.

Meanwhile, Sniper returned from his jarate break just in time to accidently slam the bathroom door in the face of guy-from-Dare-Games-who-was-out-to-get-him, knocking the man unconscious. The RED paused, nudged the guy with his foot, then casually walked away, whistling.

~CITY (ONE)~

"Listen closely," Spy told the manager in his best 'Bro I am serious' voice, "That was all a ruse. The fish costume? Made to toy with your mind. Me? I don't exist."

Medic and Heavy blinked.

"You are in the middle of a year-long guilt-induced dream sequence," Spy went on in earnest, "It is time. Life or death. And- OH MY GOODNESS A UNICORN YOU HAD BETTER DUCK."

With nary a heartbeat of hesitation the shop manager shrieked at an ear-splittingly high pitch and launched himself under the nearest shelf. Spy swiftly grabbed a banana from said shelf and wielded it like a revolver.

"We must battle the unicorn!" He cried, not realising how much he had gotten into character. Mocking the Demoman's accent he yelled, "FREEDOM!" and pretended to shoot at the 'unicorn'. Visibly excited by his lie now, he nodded very enthusiastically to his teammates with a pleading expression, trying to convey the vibes of 'MAKE HIM BELIEVE IT'.

Happy enough to go along with most things, Heavy hopped on board immediately. The Russian roared a battle-cry and lobbed a watermelon in the direction of the imaginary unicorn.

Medic sighed in submission. He was pretty much already involved anyway.

"Los weiter!"

~CITY (THREE)~

The Engineer well and truly snapped that day. He epically vaulted a table heading his direction, made a few angry noises, then Sparta-kicked the 'Jenga tower'. A cool guy, he didn't even bother to look as the tables fell neatly into their rows.

Next, Engy cartwheeled across the room, whacked the coffee machine with his wrench, and it was magically fixed, no trouble. The merc then tore his glove off, revealing the gunslinger, and grabbed both the Scout and Pyro in one fell swoop.

Grinning manically, he plonked them down and glared into their very souls.

"You two." Nervously, the terrified offense classes pointed at themselves. "Yes. You. What yer gonna do is go CHOOSE A FREAKIN' TABLE."

Mumbling something like 'someone's OOC' Scout sprinted for the tables in panic. Pyro gave a very hesitant thumbs up, backing away slowly in the same direction.

And just like that Engy blinked and reverted to his normal, amiable self. He and Teddy Roosebelt sauntered away happily to get some coffee.

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

Sniper reunited with his teammates to find them cornering a poor wee member of staff against the back wall of the shop. The merc approached with caution;

"Um, what're ya doin'?" he asked, debating internally whether he really wanted to know. Soldier and Demo turned around, revealing the different toasters they were holding. And shoving in the random shop assistant girl's face.

"WELL," Soldier began, brandishing his toaster, "We only want the toaster that is the very best! Like no one ever was!" He tossed the appliance to the staff member so he could gesticulate more. Ignoring the fact the girl fell down, sporting a toaster-shaped wound, the Demoman continued;

"So we were askin' this lass. But now she's prob'ly dead. Shame."

They solemnly doffed their hats, completely missing how the girl got up and ran away. With reckless abandon they selected a toaster at random and carried on their merry way.

~CITY (ONE)~

After a good few minutes ideally having a foodfight with thin air, the Heavy, Medic and Spy took off, yelling nonsensical things about unicorns. Once they were a safe range away from the still-cowering manager, they slowed to a trudge and dusted themselves down a little.

"Let us shop, gentlemen," Spy said, with such nonchalance it was easily to believe that hadn't just happened.

But it had. And it's burned in your memory forever.

For some reason there was a basket on Heavy's head, so they used that. To Spy's disappointment the manager's intervention had denied them access to the processed food aisle, so they would have to get normal stuff. Well, normal for them.

I mean the REDs. Not 'them' like the Spy and manager, which just sounds like a bad sitcom.

Quick, somebody make that show while Medic suddenly gets attacked by a pigeon.

Free hats to anyone who knows where the chapter title comes from :p

(Also, little reference in there somewhere; you're a God if you pick up on it!)

Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D