Hey guys! Make sure you read chapter five first please! For some reason alerts and things didn't go out :(

Chapter Six – Guns and Haircuts

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

Eventually, the five mercs in the seaside town wearily arrived at the building the teleporter was on. Demo and Pyro lugged the unconscious Soldier onto the roof with little bother and soon they all staggered through the machine in a flash of light.

Unfortunately a bunch of loose ceiling tiles came with them and the mercs had to spend a while digging themselves out. Soldier woke up just in time to shoot bolt upright in panic and thump his head on the new table.

"Ow, what the Hell…?" He glanced around (with minor difficulty due to concussion/oversized helmet issues) and saw half the team sitting tensely beside him. "…Men." He acknowledged.

…

"This is awkward." Scout stated, quite truthfully.

On some, silent level, everybody probably agreed, but they merely sat there amidst the wreckage, fidgeting. Oddly, Sniper was the one to break the silence.

"So… I hear Medic got attacked by a bird."

The Demoman sprung to action;

"Then why in the Hell are w' still here!?"

That being a rather good question, the five REDs all but dove into the teleporter.

Teleporter Six, that is.

~MEANWHILE, CITY ONE~

Shall we summarise? I do enjoy a good summarising.

Current events of the day include: The team going shopping, the team failing at shopping, the team fighting an imaginary unicorn, the Medic being attacked and carried off by a robotic pigeon, and right around now, the BLUs happen to be ambushing the REDs. After divulging their plan, of course.

Over time, the mercs had come to forget what the Hell feelings were. Only natural, see, in this kind of war-themed hat simulator. Now, though, they seemed to be having feels of some description.

"It can't be." Heavy breathed, making the rookie-mistake-that-everyone-in-a-video-game-makes of standing still in a battle scene. "I FEAR NO MAN." He insisted to himself.

But here he was. Fearing. Some. Men.

PLOT TWIST.

"I suggest we run," Spy commented, like he wasn't really fussed. Somehow the BLUs hadn't reached them yet, because story logic. Anyway as nice an idea as that was, Engy had a point to make;

"What about the doc?" He gestured loosely to the roof, ignoring the advancing enemy even though that weird old 'fear' thing was back. Medic was in the process of being throttled by the giant bird, despite the merc's valiant attempts at clubbing it to death with the solemn vow.

Because they knew they were protected by Plot Armour (look it up) the RED mercs sat down to make a nice little plan and-

BAM.

OH. OH GOD. THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.

~MOUNTAIN (SECTION SIX)~

The first thing the five mercs noticed was that they had taken the wrong teleporter.

They knew this because they were on top of a freakin' mountain.

"…When we get back," Soldier said, "we're asking Engy why THE HELL he put one of these up here." The team made a circle of handshakes in agreement, then stood up to head on back through the teleporter.

Which wasn't there. Insert obscenities of your choice here.

While everyone else panicked and realised how cold they were, Pyro came up with an obvious answer to where the machine was. It was about to tell the guys to start digging in the snow when Soldier, running in circles with Scout and Sniper, somehow managed to hit both it and Demo with his shovel.

Both of them promptly fell over the cliff and started their painful descent into respawn.

"Aw, Goddammit…" Soldier sighed, watching them fall. "They're not gonna take this too well."

Due to the offense class accidently wiping out the only one with a good idea, the REDs narrowed their next move down to two options. Sniper offered the first;

"If w' climb down this side, we'll hit the town again. Use the teleporter there."

"Or go back," Scout added, "and find the one in the woods."

Soldier only remembered that the runner was here at that point, and recalled how he was mad at him. However, what with all the head injuries, he wasn't quite sure why he was mad.

"There is a third choice!" He announced suddenly, producing a full-sized survival kit from his undersized pocket. Before Scout had time to be confused at that, Soldier had pulled out a length of rope and forced him to hold it. "Just yell screamin' eagles and you'll be fine."

"W-what? OH GOD MAN DON'T!"

Too late. Scout was thrown off the cliff.

Sniper found himself wondering if any of this would be happening had he had gone shopping with Engy instead of Pyro and Scout.

~CITY (ONE) BATTLE OF THE SUPERMARKET~

Incidentally, we learned something that day.

We learned that being pummelled from all sides by some severely pissed off BLUs is not a pleasant experience. By all means, try to avoid it.

But don't join BLU to avoid it. I swear bro them REDs will get ya.

Still in his aerial struggle with the pigeon, Medic watched on as Spy, Engy and Heavy were battered like fish or something. Similes aren't my strong point.

"Comrades," Medic called down, mildly concerned. "Need some help zhere?"

"WOULD BE APPRECIATED!" Engy replied, ever polite.

Medic complied, pausing in hitting the bird with his solemn vow and holding the Hippocrates bust at eye level. Looking through it like a periscope, he could see the HP metres of their enemies.

"Okay, see the Spy zhat's punching your face, Heavy?"

"DA!"

"Vell, he's only on five. You could probably kill him by sneezing. And Engineer, zhere's a Soldier behind you on twenty. PUNCH HIM VITH ZHE GUNSLINGER!" Medic laughed manically until the pigeon started clawing at him again.

The RED Heavy and Engy followed his advice and suddenly realised they could do this. They were the main characters. Surely, the laws of favouritism would permit them to win this fight! THEY TOTALLY HAD THIS!

"Hey guys," a BLU Scout interrupted their sense of euphoria, "Why ain't we usin' guns?"

…

"…Oh, dis is bad…" RED Heavy mumbled, the BLUs suddenly whipping out a variety of weird and wonderful weapons.

"I am not the slightest bit honoured to having served with you," Spy said, quite rudely but truthfully.

Heavy and Engy shrugged in the heartbeat before their rather untimely deaths.

Also the pigeon finally killed Medic.

~RED RESPAWN~

The Demoman and Pyro blinked awake in the respawn room with very contrasted emotions.

Pyro, on the one hand, was jolly as usual and couldn't even recall how they had died. Demo, on the other, was pissed beyond belief because not only had Soldier killed him, but he had made him sober.

That sucked.

Demo did know, however, that Soldier and co would be heading to the shop in this very city. I'm suddenly wondering if there is a plothole here. Either way he did know, and that meant he had to go to said shop for his revenge. Even better, his buddy Pyro was here to help!

"'ere, Pyro," the Scotsman hollered, "Ye any good a revenge?"

'Do you like playing games?' Pyro heard, so it nodded eagerly. Demo grinned;

"Great! Cuz we're gonna-"

WOAH. Woah. You don't need to hear that. Just have the Pyrovision version.

'We're going to hug our dear friend Solly until he can't stop laughing and rainbows stain the walls and he's begging for cake but we give him lollypops and joy then you get the rainblower and crank up the awesome until he falls asleep.'

That sounded splendid! Pyro was on board.

~SECTION SIX-POINT-FIVE~

Soaring halfway between the mountain and the seaside town, the Scout had some time to do something he often didn't- think.

Now, he had a couple of things to ponder. Firstly, Soldier probably had some reason for being angry. History suggested he didn't, but this time he probably did. It clicked for the runner all of sudden; the Soldier had left the hall so discreetly in chapter one- but clearly that's where the issue was.

Well, that mystery was solved. Now for a more pressing one.

WHAT THE HELL WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS ROPE!?

Scout barely remembered to double jump when he eventually hit ground level, so he didn't y'know, die. He found himself in town seven, on the side of a road. Okay, so he was alone and clueless, but at least he had the rope.

"Oh hey there's a label on it… 'Abseil Emergency Rope'. Huh."

Sounded like a plan. Scout headed toward the nearest tall building.

I have no idea.

Thanks for reading! :D