This thing was gonna be, like, three chapters

WHAT'S HAPPENING. WHAT IF IT NEVER ENDS

Chapter Seven – Giant Birds and Abseiling

~CITY ONE, THE STREETS SOMEWHERE~

The Demoman and Pyro had discovered a minute problem in their seemingly-flawless plan.

Frankly they had no idea where the supermarket was. What they did have in mind was Spy's account of his part time job there- the Frenchman had mentioned (practically crying in horror) that the logo was a fish wearing a top hat and riding a bicycle.

Surely, such a thing wouldn't be too hard to spot.

They thought they had it at one point, but that fish was clearly wearing a bowler hat. Also there was a giant bird-shaped hole in the roof. Shrugging, the mercs walked on past, whistling all the while.

~RED RESPAWN~

Medic, Heavy and the Engineer stumbled out of respawn, near falling straight over on the pavement. Their BASE was at stake now! PROBLEM! CAPS LOCK!

"We gotta find the others," Engy set down quickly, "an' then- where the heck is Spah?"

Sure enough, no Spah to be found.

"EVERYTHING HAS GONE WRONG!" Heavy cried, facepalming so hard he did a backflip. The pair of defence classes turned to Medic for support (HON HON HON WHAT A PUN) only to find him staring blankly in the approximate direction of the shop.

"Doctor…?" Heavy waved in his face for attention.

"… I vas killed by a bird." Medic stated, like the fact was physically painful. "So zhat's how it is."

Probably under the assumption the BLUs would take a short while to get to and take over the base, Medic executed the most daring, ambitious, damn stupid plan known to Mann.

~THE MOUNTAIN (SIX)~

"Sure is boring up here," Soldier grumbled, doing push ups for no reason. Staring into space, Sniper replied with a simple 'Hm'. They both jumped when the emergency rope – which they had secured to a trusty-looking rock – pulled taught. "Ooh, great!" Soldier vaulted to his feet. "You ready?"

Sniper blinked slowly.

"… Fer what?"

Instead of giving a substantial response, Soldier said,

"Sniper, do you trust me?"

"Not really, no."

"TOO BAD SON." Soldier grabbed Sniper then simply leaped at the rope. "ABSEIL FUN!"

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

Scout, perched on the chimney of a house in the seaside town, sincerely hoped he'd tied the rope right. Worst case scenario, he reckoned, was Soldier and Sniper died then made the rest of his life a living Hell.

That wouldn't be all too bad, in the grand scale of things.

So, forgetting his safety concerns, Scout broke the forth wall and checked out the Robotic Boogaloo Update on a laptop because it was so awesome.

After laughing at the great comic for ten straight minutes (becausetheauthordid) he heard a weird whooshing noise and stood up to find out what the Hell was making it.

Cue forty-mile-an-hour-Soldier-and-Sniper abseiling impact.

~SHOP (CITY ONE)~

Spy loved Dead Ringers.

They were totally his favourite thing of the day at least.

Of course, now that he had escaped the BLU onslaught, he needed a way to stop them from getting the base. Like any good Spy, he had his knife on him, so that was something. In theory, he could simply backstab and stealthy stealth his way through the shop, killing them all, until things were awesome again.

There was just one little issue. Dat robot pigeon.

It knew things. Everything.

And, after figuring out sappers did zilch to the thing, Spy decided he hated any and all chase scenes involving birds.

~RED BASE~

Medic had never stormed quite so dramatically into a building before. But it was certainly empowering when he did.

The doctor strode purposefully into the base, lab coat all billowy and epic. At the top of his lungs he screeched;

"WHERE IS HERR BALLOONICORN!?" His glasses magically morphed into Pyrovision goggles so he could see the pink balloon animal career toward him. "I NEED YOUR HELP."

And thus, the plan was underway.

Heavy and Engy wondered what the frick was going on.

~TOWN (SEVEN)~

COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE!

That seems an appropriately shocking way to start this section. Also, it's a reference. So that's fun.

ANYWAY, that's the injury Scout sustained. Soldier and Sniper got up quite indifferently and helped/shoved the kid down from the roof.

"Why was that the go-to plan?" Scout pouted severely. Soldier thought for a moment.

"Dunno. But here we are! NO DWELLING ON MY WATCH! NOT IN MY AMERICA."

There was no arguing with that, so Sniper just went ahead and led them to the teleporter, conscious that his teammates were very likely dead or dying.

"We'd better get to the shop, mates," he told them, clambering to the teleporter, "Find out what's happenin'."

With that in mind, when the three mercs arrived in the base garage they slid under the ill-placed table and hurried straight for RV.

"What's up everybody?" she asked through the radio, revving the engine. Taking the wheel and reversing toward Teleporter One, Sniper sighed wearily.

"No idea. I just- no idea anymore."

~CITY (ONE) EVEN MORE LOST~

"Pyro, didn't w'pass here earlier?" Demo checked, glancing dubiously at the tall structures all around them. He blissfully ignored the wanted posters depicting him.

"Mmm…" Pyro mumbled thoughtfully. These pastel-coloured block towers did look a little too familiar. In fact it was fairly certain that was their respawn over there.

Subconsciously they headed toward the resupply, only to see a great flash of light right beside it.

~MEANWHILE, IN THE SHOP~

"Worst. Day. Ever," Spy concluded, still sprinting through the supermarket as though being chased by a giant bird. Oh wait. He was.

Said robot was gaining on him actually, at quite an alarming rate. Somehow Spy was fending off the occasional beak-stab with his butterfly knife as he ran, but it was only a matter of time. He tried to access his 'Ninja Skills' I often chuck into these spinoffs, yet they eluded him because I think it's funnier this way.

The inevitable came at last, and of all places Spy could get cornered it would be the processed food aisle. The store manager, just FYI, was still there, mumbling about unicorns. Spy ignored him and backed up against the far shelf, trying to find a way to avoid this rather weird fate.

Judging by the massive bird going for him, options were admittedly limited, BUT THEN;

"ARCHIMEDES- ATTACK!"

Spy's head snapped up to the source of the voice, "What the Hell…?"

Archimedes, the little, cute, slightly evil wee dove had grown. A lot. Only Balloonicorn magic could promote that sort of size increase. And Medic was riding him like he'd been doing it all his life.

The pair of them sailed into a death dive and tackled the giant robot pigeon, beginning the most epic and strange battle of the century.

All guns blazing, Engy and Heavy appeared on the ground for support and to hold off the BLUs. Spy had learned that the best solution was to just go with it and joined in, stabbing away with his knife.

Skimming the top shelves, Archimedes and the pigeon remained locked in combat. Medic wielded his crusader's crossbow, taking random shots at their robotic opponent and healing his beloved dove.

That was a sane sentence.

Either way Heavy had gone and punched over some shelves, forming something of a crude barricade from the BLUs. Engy topped it nicely with a mini sentry which took great joy in pissing everyone else off. Seriously if those things weren't so cute I would hate them.

And because they are so gosh darn adorable, Engy would be pretty upset if it got blown up by, say, a crocket. Say, a crocket that BLU Soldier over yonder was about to fire at the little gun.

SHOCK HORROR.

At that moment, RV – Demo and Pyro clinging to the roof – exploded into the shop and slammed straight into said Soldier, doing a… respectable amount of damage, anyway.

"PARTY CRASH!" RED Soldier and Scout yelled, pausing time briefly for a freeze-frame air punch.

Note: These stories will never make sense. Enjoy.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! *Cries emotionally* I LOVE YOU GUYS!