We made it!
Chapter Ten – Totally Worth It
~SHOP (CITY ONE)~
"Oh, hello Doctor," Heavy greeted politely, having suddenly found the Medic smashed into his face.
"Heavy." Medic addressed curtly. "Vhat's happening, exactly?"
"We're on a bike," Engy answered simply, helping Medic find a seat, "Hit a 'wet floor' sign. Turns out they make great ramps."
"Your bird shrunk," Spy added, "He's on your head."
Medic looked up to confirm that, yes, Archimedes was playing Hat right now and, oh God, there were nine men on this bike. This flying bike. Hm.
"Do ve, perhaps, have a method of landing yet?" the doctor asked, a little uneasily. Everyone froze at the distinct sound of Soldier producing a rocket launcher from nowhere.
"YUP!" the merc announced, "We don't land!" And just as the bike was about to smash on the floor he made it rocket jump.
"WHOO!" yelled all three offense classes, immature and oblivious to danger as usual. They flipped off the remaining BLUs below, who threw various things at them and shouted abuse much too severe for a K+ fic.
"I WANNA TRY!" Demo cried suddenly, shooting an excessive amount of stickies under the bike and making them jump again. Everyone flew up off the vehicle for a second, struck poses, then landed semi-neatly back in their pyramid. Except the manager. We may have lost him at some point.
~IN A QUIET CORNER~
RED Sniper sat quite contentedly in a corner on a camping stool, having found his cake. He'd barely settled down when suspenseful music rose from nowhere.
"Aw, piss…" Sniper glanced up, and yep, there was the guy-from-Dare-Games-out-to-get-him. Let's call him GFDGOTGH. "'ello."
"YOU." GFDGOTGH said again, ruder than ever.
"How the Hell'd ya get here?" Sniper asked, trying to work out if that made any sense. GFDGOTGH took a step closer, apparently needing to do so in order to reply.
"I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE SOMEONE KNOCKED ME OUT WITH A DOOR."
"Would ya stop abusin' the caps lock?" Sniper interjected, but he was largely ignored.
"I AM GONNA KILL YOU."
"A little blunt, mate. Can I have my cake first?"
GFDGOTGH incidentally thought 'no' and went ahead and threw a punch. At nothing. Sniper was gone.
~THE BIKE~
Sniper was too used to the misadventurous antics of his team to even question why he was suddenly on the back of a flying bike.
Misadventurous is totally a real word. Bring it.
He did however pause to wonder how all nine of the REDs – not to mention Archimedes, Teddy Roosebelt, and a mini sentry – were comfortably fitting on said bike. Well, comfortably may be a stretch.
They were about to hit the ground again when Pyro, laughing like a… pyromaniac, I suppose, airblasted them back up.
"So…" Sniper glanced around absently, "Where w'goin'?"
Hm. That was a valid concern. In theory, they'd have to land eventually. By this point they had circled the shop twice, Heavy still dutifully pedalling away. Also, 'ex-shop' would be more fitting. Not much of it remained standing.
The automatic door was fine, thank goodness.
Scout Force-A-Natured the bike upward once more, as eight of the mercs waited for someone to reply to Sniper. One extensive, derpy silence later, Demo stepped up;
"Option one- nearest pub. Option two- let's go the Hell home."
"Seconded," Engy said immediately, leaning on the right handlebar to turn the bike, which worked because video game logic. Those eleven PhDs of his apparently gave him the ability to find a way to land, which involved using the decapitated pigeon robot as a ramp.
Archimedes and Medic subtly high fived.
On the (rather cluttered) floor once more, the exhausted Heavy slowly turned for the door, cycling for VICTORY. Or something.
But then again…
It wasn't victory, really, if they had technically run from a fight. Guy-from-Dare-Games-out-to-get-Sniper hadn't been taken down. GFDGOTGS NEEDED TO GO DOWN.
All nine mercs apparently came to this decision – even those who had no idea who GFDGOTGS was, somehow – at the same time. Heavy applied the brakes and the nine mercs nearly shot straight over the front of the bike. Rearranging themselves into a slightly neater formation, though no less awkward, the team and their various companions made a SUPER HIGH QUALITY WELL THOUGHT OUT battle plan.
"Let's go kick his ass," Scout suggested, and that seemed like a solid enough idea, so they went with that.
Soldier, Demo and Heavy, the only ones able to reach the floor, kick started the bike and they cruised through the debris with stern expressions. Pyro kinda killed the effect with its clapping and travelling song, but they looked intimidating otherwise. They also passed the manager at one point, who seemed to be well enough despite being in the foetal position. Ah, details.
"Wait." Spy abruptly captured everyone's attention, "How do we know where he is, exactly?"
"We don't," Sniper responded flatly, "But 'e always appears where I am, so…"
Ominous footsteps approachinggggg.
"That'd be him," Soldier bounced giddily on the spot, gladly awaiting another fight. Supposedly the fact they weren't shopping didn't bother him anymore.
"Is time to kill little baby man- oh my God," Heavy's tone suddenly changed, "THAT IS NOT BABY MAN."
Oh yeah. Forgot how tough GFDGOTGS was.
"RUN 'IM DOWN HEAVY! RUN 'IM THE HELL DOWN!" Demo cried, because he had the ability to spontaneously get drunk again and freak out. All at once the REDs all began screaming as Heavy rode at the guy.
They only got louder and more frantic as the bike gradually, ever-gradually got closer, when GFDGOTGS casually stopped it with his foot. The mercs promptly fell off their sweet ride.
Sprawled in an undignified heap, the team couldn't do much as the guy stood obnoxiously over them.
"WHERE'S THE AUSSIE BLOKE WHO HIT ME WITH A DOOR?" the dickhead demanded. Sorry, K+; the rube fellow demanded. Like a dick.
"Who?" Engy asked innocently, trying to protect his buddy. Spy had the opposite idea;
"Ooh, you mean the Sniper. He's right here, good man!"
"You wanka…"
~AH HA RANDOM DIVIDER~
A span of about two seconds accompany that divider.
In that time frame, two important plot points went ahead and happened while you weren't reading. The first was that GFDGOTGS was unexpectedly flung sideways by an unseen force. Actually Pyro saw it- Balloonicorn felt like a hero.
The second thing was the team up and legged it. In their humiliation runs.
"Why didn't we just go home!?" Soldier cried like a real man would. Pyro held Balloonicorn like a lifeline and loudly sobbed agreement as they hustled. Using the helpful 'Exit This Way' signs with the picture of the wee man that looks a bit like the Portal logo, the RED team sprinted directly for the exit, and, being fastest, Scout and Medic were first to get there.
"OH MAN THE DOOR." / "ZHE AUTOMATIC DOOR."
The stared at each other in horror for a few dramatic seconds. Then at the door. Then at their own reflections as Pyro, Engy, Sniper and Spy arrived, tackling them straight into the glass. Instead of thinking rationally and stopping before meeting the same fate, Demo blundered right into the back of them with a rattling crash.
"…So I'm stayin' in respawn forever after w'die." He said slowly. "What's yer plan?"
It was only at that point – when the mercs were wondering which country to flee to – that they remembered how Soldier and Heavy were quite a bit slower than them.
And they'd just left the two of them with GFDGOTGS.
"Not cool guys," the announcer announced through the announcement tannoy in an announcing sort of way. Yup.
Shamefaced, the mercs peeled themselves off the stuck door and shuffled back into personal bubble range. Balloonicorn, Archie and the pocket buddies immediately bailed as the mercs all exchanged the Brofist Of Getting Owned For Da Team.
"ARGHHHHHH!" they screeched, charging blindly in the correct-ish direction. If only they hadn't ignored the foreshadowing of bowling alley music.
"OH DIS IS BAD!" Heavy flew at them like a robot pigeon, succeeding in striking everybody to the floor yet again. Wait. The guy threw Heavy. HOW STRONG IS THIS GUY?
Soldier crash landed on top of the other mercs.
"How do we make this maggot pay?" he grumbled, planking. Eight of the mercs magically scattered to either side as Spy suddenly floated upward with a Heavenly chorus.
"Idea!" he said in sing song, a cartoonish light bulb blinking into existence above his masked head. Well say it quick man, GFDGOTGS is on his way. "This guy is very strong," Spy mused aloud, giving the roof/sky a sidelong glance, "I wonder if he could be stronger than Saxton Hale…"
Realising what the plan entailed, the team quickly scarpered. In the nick of time too- as with an unearthly yell of 'WHAT!?' Saxton Hale himself smashed into the centre of the shop, having used an eagle as a parachute again.
GFDGOTGS froze in surprise at the sight of him, not really having time to wonder where he came from or where the mercs were hiding before Hale demanded;
"Are you the one who thinks he's stronger than me?" The guy blanched. "THOUGHT NOT, HIPPIE. I'll kill ya with my bare hands."
Somewhere in hiding, the fanboy in Sniper shuddered at the iconic line's use.
One uppercut later, Saxton was gone, the mercs nonchalantly moseyed back into the open, and GFDGOTGS wouldn't be bothering them anymore.
"All in all, I'd say that went well," Spy commented. The mercs murmured half hearted agreement as they trailed toward the exit. This time they had the sense to go around the automatic door and through the gaps in the wall right next to it.
After some walking and a small run in with a civvie or two, they made it to respawn and subsequently to their base. Tired beyond belief, the nine of them trudged through and finally got a sit down in the central room.
~SAID CENTRAL ROOM~
"So," Engy began glumly, "the whole 'shopping' thing didn't go to plan…"
"Wasn't all bad," Demo mused optimistically, realising with a start that he had been too tired to notice the room was still more rubble than anything.
"Yeah, cuz, we got the table, that's somethin'," Scout said, internally curious as to why this chair felt like it was made of concrete.
"An' the food shoppin' happened," Sniper added, "Anyone want cake?"
Cake was had by all.
"OOH, also," Soldier reached behind his head and pulled out a toaster, "This was embedded in my skull the entire time." Here, Pyro whistled innocently. "So we got the appliance too."
"Not to mention ve got rid of our antagonist," Medic inputted, "One of zhe many, anyhow…"
"So shopping trip WAS worth it!" Heavy concluded. Spy wanted a line;
"Well then, the only thing to do is end the story." Everyone nodded. "Pretend I said something funny, then we all laugh and end in freeze frame, okay?"
The team offered variations of affirmative, then;
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! "
-End scene-
I don't know. Just- don't know
Well thanks so much for reading! And your reviews, aw guys, your reviews! :D
Guests, fellow writers, everybody in between, thank you!
See you soon with MORE spinoffs! :p
-Falsie out ;)