Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in the Outsiders. :)
Chapter One
There was something kinda soothing about the way the trains passed by our house every night- regular as clockwork. I remember when we first moved in; I thought I would never get used to the constant pounding of the wheels against the tracks or the way the house would shake with every car that flew by. I used to be terrified that the walls would collapse in on me. I cried for weeks, sitting under my sheets with my knees pulled tight to my chest. I didn't tell anyone how scared I was. Looking back, it all seems so silly. I thought I was being brave-sitting up at night-facing my demons alone. Now that I think about it, I don't remember when I stopped being scared. It just happened. And then I couldn't sleep without any of it. The shrieking whistle and the pounding of the wheels filled the whole house and I loved it. It reminded me that something in my life was still stable. The trains always came-always. And when they did, I didn't have to think about everything else. The house shook and the noise surrounded me and I just sat there. I didn't think about who I was or who I was supposed to be. I just sat there and didn't think about anything.
I tried to explain how that felt once and all I got was a black eye.
My dad didn't understand-he never did. He said that I thought too much. I think it scared him. I know it made him angry. He said that no man would marry a girl like me-a "thinking" girl. Men wanted fools, he always said. But I couldn't help it. I saw the way my friends acted. The way they caked makeup on their faces and showed off their bodies. The boys flew to them like flies to honey, but they never stayed for long. They went to jail or they got bored, I don't know.
You see, where I grew up, your whole destiny was decided the second you were born. It all depended on the street where you lived. The west side of Tulsa was nice and you had a chance if you lived there. A chance to get out of Oklahoma and make something of yourself. A chance that I knew I'd never get. I was a Greaser. I was from the east side and I'd stay on the east side until I died. All my friends and I were branded as hoods. To the rest of the world, we were just people who didn't have anything to offer except a mile long rap sheet or a string of abandoned kids. Sometimes life just didn't seem fair. I couldn't accept it the same way my best friend, Evie, did. And I sure couldn't enjoy it like Sodapop Curtis.
He loved his life though I couldn't see how. He just worked at an old gas station. He didn't even go to high school anymore-he dropped out to help Darry pay the bills after their parents died. But he never looked for anything better. He was happy working a dead end job. He was happy getting into rumbles with Socs. He was happy about everything. His little brother, Ponyboy, told me that Soda was one of those people that didn't need alcohol to get drunk, he just got drunk off living. Ponyboy's the smartest kid I know.
Sometimes I hated the way that Evie could joke about being a Greaser. Sometimes I hated Soda when he told me that he thought he would stay at the gas station forever. Sometimes I hated myself for not being content living the way I did. Because nothing I felt would change anything. I didn't have a chance to do anything with my life. I wasn't going places. If I could have been content, maybe I would have been happy, in my own way. Maybe I wouldn't feel that pain right below my heart, aching for the places that I knew I'd never see and the life I knew I'd never have. Life wasn't fair. Sometimes, I just wished I could die.
But you should be careful what you wish for.