Chapter eleven.
When a person sleeps they are in their most peaceful state. Their features are soft like silk, their skin warm and all the worries of the waking world fades away. They are in a state of vulnerability one where they are on edge but completely and utterly safe, they can suffer terrors but yet experience something beautiful they sometimes will regret opening their eyes. Sleep brings forth their moth innocent state and they breathe as if the weight of the world rests on anyone else's shoulders but their own. For Mordred seeing Aislinn sleeping next to him stirred something inside of him, something surreal, although he had seen her asleep a thousand times before this time was different.
Maybe it was the heat from her body against his own, or the fact that she was so close to him her body encircled in his arms, maybe it was because they were both adults but whatever the reason it didn't matter. He was just thankful she let him see her in this state. Her face is buried in his chest, her arm around his waist and her leg in between he feels as if it is some sort of sin to be waking her but he has to. "Aislinn" he says shaking her slightly but she doesn't stir "Aislinn" he tries again but his only reaction is her burying her face in his chest "Aislinn" he whispers shaking her again.
"Oi, sleeping beauty wake up" he says his patients wearing a bit thin "what?" she snaps not opening her eyes "you have to get up" Mordred tells her moving back from her and stretching. Aislinn sighs and sits up slowly combing her hand through her hair "I vote we just go back to bed" she suggests gradually rising to her feet "once we get back home we will have all the time in the world to go back to sleep" he says crouching down next to one of the satchels. "Is that an invitation?" she asks yawning and fixing the blanket around her shoulders "if you like" he says handing her an apple and bread roll.
Aislinn takes them from him with a smile "might have to take you up on that" she jokes but deep down she is dead serious, Aislinn looks down at the roll and apple in her hands "I'm guessing we were all out of grapes" she says. "Apologies m'lady but grapes are not in season" he laughs biting into his apple Aislinn pokes her tongue out at him before she bites into her own. "You talk in your sleep you know?" Mordred asks kicking some dirt onto the fire with his boot "mh? What did I say?" she inquires sitting down "I don't know it was incoherent" he shrugs kicking over some more dirt.
"You're no help" she teases "how is your back?" she asks and Mordred walks over to her plopping himself down beside her "it's quite bruised but at least it will heal" he pauses "along with my arm." Aislinn rolls her eyes "you weren't co-operating so I got upset" he shrugs "no big deal" Mordred elbows her playfully "no, it's because you thought I was dying" he says Aislinn laughs but doesn't give a reply to him causing him to prompt further. "You were worried about me" he says biting his lip "I believe you got worried and running for our lives mixed up" she tells him trying to stifle a smile.
"Don't lie, you were worried" he teases
"Hey here's an idea, drop it and let's get back to Camelot" she says grabbing the staff and rising steadily to her feet, suddenly annoyed with him. Mordred smirks knowing he's irritated her he grabs the satchels and swings them over his shoulder following her through the threes. "You know it's okay to admit it" he calls trailing behind her "admit what?" she asks trying to ignore him but seeing as it is only the two of them it doesn't quite work. "That you love me" Aislinn stops and turns around slowly the expression on her face is enough to tell Mordred he should be backing off not prodding further but there is something inside him that wants to keep going and he doesn't ignore it.
"Can we not have this conversation now?" she asks in a tone that is intended to tell him he is treading into dangerous territory but disregards it. "Stop avoiding my question" he tells her walking up to her "sorry but you went from somewhat charming to a complete asshole in the space of a few minutes" Aislinn doesn't completely understand the change in his mood but whatever it is its frustrating. "Somewhat charming?" Mordred questions deciding against continuing with the original direction of the conversation he had intended Aislinn scrunches up her nose.
"Yeah, the asshole look doesn't suit you Mordred" she says lightly tapping his cheek with her palm "sorry" he says looking away from here "I don't know what came over me." Mordred scans his eyes over the fallen leaves "you don't need to apologize for anything" she says grabbing his hand "come on we have to get going I'd like to actually sleep in a bed tonight".
***
The rest of the trip went kind of quickly although they had to stop and rest a few times because of Aislinn's leg but it didn't bother Mordred. What did bother Mordred however, was his earlier conduct towards her he was just suddenly angry with her and then felt like being an ass but there was no explanation for it. Now he had to deal with anger that wasn't coming from him.
Arthur was pacing back and forth in front of him, hands behind his back and a look mixed of deep thought and anger plastered on his face after what seems like an eternity of the king doing so Arthur stops and turns to Mordred. "What were you thinking going alone?" Arthur asks Mordred straightens up the wound in his back throbbing a little. "I thought my intentions were clear, you would not help me so I would go alone – quite simple really" Mordred tells him but clearly his answer did not suffice the king.
"That's not good enough" Arthur tells him "you could have died" Mordred frowns hurt by the silent accusation that he should have left Aislinn with Morgana "what and you expected me to let her die?" he asks his tone raising an octave higher than normal. "We are on the verge of war Mordred" the king snaps "as I explained a party of knights heading into her territory is a death sentence" Mordred purses his lips "you didn't answer my question" he says "and you didn't answer mine" Arthur retorts.
Mordred falls silent for a few seconds knowing he is fighting a somewhat losing battle "Would you not do the same for the woman you love?" he asks his voice only above a whisper and his eyes stinging with tears. Arthur's face is expressionless and it's clear he doesn't know what to say but then to Mordred's surprise he answers "yes, I would and I did" he says. Mordred diverts his gaze "so how is this any different?" He asks his voice breaking Arthur doesn't answer so Mordred answers for him "it's not is it?" Mordred asks not expecting Arthur to reply.
"I was the one Morgana wanted not any of you, I was wrong asking for your help" he admits "but I couldn't leave her there – it was my fault she was there in the first place" a tear rolls down his cheek remembering how Aislinn had looked when he first laid eyes on her. Her face was covered in her own blood, her lip busted and numerous bruises adorned her face. He catches the tear with his index finger "lock me in the stocks for a week, a month even; hang me if you must I don't care just as long as she is safe" he says defiantly lifting his head to meet Arthur's gaze.
"I'm not going to do any of the sort Mordred" Arthur begins "I am just happy to see that both of you are safe, that is all" Mordred looks over Arthur's expression "so am I" he says. Arthur relaxes "how did you two escape?" he asks pulling back a chair and sitting down, motioning for the young knight to do the same "Morgana practically let us escape" he says. "She ambushed us in the forest and I can't really remember anything after that" he informs him although Mordred did remember Aislinn hitting him "when I woke up I was lying next to Aislinn in a bed and an old woman was attending to us."
Arthur frowns a little "an old woman?" he asks and Arthur has one of those looks on his face that screams 'what the hell?' and Mordred nods "yeah I thought it was odd too but at least we weren't dead so I wasn't complaining" he pauses "although Aislinn was quite suspicious." Arthur nods "I don't blame her, I would have been too" he says as Mordred rests his cheek against his hand yawning "I think I was focusing more on being alive to be honest" he tells him. "It was odd" Mordred begins "for a few moments I was almost certain I was dead, I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything but then I heard Aislinn" he trails off not knowing how to finish up.
"It sounds stupid" he says laughing huskily.
"No, it doesn't" Arthur says "I know the feeling" Mordred shakes his head feeling stupid for not knowing how to say what he is feeling. "I guess no one is going to ask you this but me, how are you?" Arthur asks sitting forward resting his arms on the table Mordred leans back against the chair tapping his finger against the table top. "I'm fine" he says and Arthur raises an eye brow "I mean mentally" Arthur corrects himself Mordred begins tapping his finger on the table creating a steady rhythm. "I'm alright...I guess" he says impassively not being used to being asked such a direct question from Arthur.
The look on the king's face tells Mordred that he isn't buying it "you know, we all go through things like that and it's okay to want to not talk about it" he pauses "but it's also okay to talk about it". Mordred exhales "I've spoken a bit about it to Aislinn, not much however I guess I'm just not the type to talk about all of my feelings" he says avoiding Arthur's gaze by staring at the floor. "It was...it was just so hard realizing that it was my fault she was there, who knows what Morgana did to her? She was injured because of me, because I betrayed Morgana" he says his voice soft.
"You wouldn't have found her if you didn't betray Morgana either" Arthur points out "Aislinn is strong, she has probably been through more than we can imagine in the last eight years. She will get through it and so will you" he says his gaze meeting with Mordred's own. "But no matter how hard you try those feelings won't go away you will just have to try and suppress them" Arthur adds trying to reassure him "am I making any sense?" he questions when Mordred doesn't answer straight away and Mordred's response is to laugh.
"In a strange way it does, yeah."
He wasn't able to sleep; actually he's had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.
So far he has put it down to guilt eating away at his consciousness, Arthur had told him not to worry or let it all out somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he shouldn't really be feeling guilty it was Morgana's thirst for revenge that drove her. Then again he was her driving force and Aislinn had to bear the consequences. Mordred hadn't been to see her since they arrived home a few days ago purely for the fact he couldn't face her and he didn't know why. Days ago he didn't want to leave her side – but now because he knew he would see the repercussions of whatever Morgana did to her he didn't want to see it.
"Can't sleep?" he hears a husky voice ask and he turns from the window overlooking the gardens to see Gwaine standing behind him only just illuminated by the candle light in the stands. "Oh...no" he says crossing his arms "well yeah I can't" he stutters a few seconds later "so you're just going to stand in the hall and look out the window?" Gwaine asks stroking his stubble "well that was the plan until you rocked up" he says leaning against the side of the window. "Did I disturb you and your personal thoughts?" Gwaine inquires some amusement in his tone "ah, no you didn't" Mordred chuckles brushing his thumb along his jaw.
Gwaine gives a hoarse laugh "I'm sure you weren't" he teases his younger counterpart "what's a tournament like?" Mordred asks crossing his arms doing his best to stop Gwaine from poking around too much. Gwaine shrugs "If you're not prepared it's challenging but if you are it's just like tough training" he says "although I don't think you'll be competing next week" he adds frowning at him. "But I want to" Mordred says a little disappointed "it's not up to you mate" Gwaine says placing his hand on his shoulder "I know" Mordred says rocking on the ball on his feet.
"But" Gwaine says "I believe that if you train hard enough without your injury effecting you I think Arthur will let you compete" Mordred's face goes from emotionless to that of a child that's just been handed his favourite toy in 2.5 seconds. "You think so?" he asks smiling "yeah, I hope so" Gwaine says nodding "it would be great to put you on your ass" Gwaine laughs and Mordred gives a faint smile "gee thanks" he says rolling his eyes. "You're quite welcome" he says joining Mordred in leaning against the wall "you will be fine, you've majorly improved" Gwaine points out "I don't know whether to be insulted or" Gwaine laughs again and ruffles Mordred's hair playfully "go with something else, it's the lesser of two evils."