A/N I don't own Vampire Knight nor do I make any profit from it

Chapter 17 - Bitter Sweet Longing

Kaname ran a hand through his mahogany coloured hair. His night had been a sleepless one and it made him feel frustrated and angry. He hated the fact that he had been caught up by his own feelings and lust. Hikari had been on his mind all night, causing his insomnia. He hated that he was lusting after her. It didn't make any sense that she would affect him in this way. He had only known her a matter of months. Hanaka hadn't even entered his mind, a woman he had known for most of his life.

That morning, Kaname made his way to his library. This was his private sanctuary. He threw himself on his lounging chaise and stared up at the ceiling.

"What am I doing," he asked himself, "Why is Hikari affecting me so? I can't be falling in love with her… and she can't be in love with me… can she?"

She was beautiful, for sure. Her skin was soft and her body fit against his own perfectly, "This doesn't make any sense… why am I so attracted to her?"

"You love her," a voice said. Kaname looked up and saw Sara standing in the doorway.

"Sara," Kaname uttered as he sat up and slowly buttoned up his silk shirt, "What are you doing here?"

"I was just visiting Hikari actually," Sara replied, flicking her white hair over her shoulder, "However, I smelled your scent and decided to visit you. So, what happened last night?"

"I kissed Hikari," Kaname replied quickly, "Nothing more than that. We were having dinner and…we were discussing our relationship and whether it should be annulled. However, Hikari kissed me and I kissed her back."

"Well, that is progress I suppose; any little helps," Sara replied as she walked over to him and sat beside him.

"I almost took her, Sara," Kaname said in quiet and strained voice.

"And what do you want me to say about that, Kaname," Sara asked, "It isn't a crime for a husband to desire his wife."

"But… I don't love her," Kaname replied.

"Ah," Sara said, "I think that's where you're wrong. I remember a time when you couldn't even look at her or even touch her. Now, she's occupying your every thought. I've also noticed that you aren't as close to Hanaka as you were."

Kaname glared at her, "What?"

"You know it as well as I do," Sara said with a satisfied smile, "You want Hikari because… you feel you cannot have her. Also, you have found that you are attracted to her sexually and that frightens you because you think you love Hanaka."

"I do love her," Kaname defended.

"No, Kaname, you don't," Sara said as she stood up, "You both desire and love your wife and that scares you."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't love Hikari," Kaname said and all the wood furnishings in the room splintered under the force of his anger. Sara yelped and jumped back.

"Kaname, calm down," Sara cried, "Your reaction to that is proof that you do love her. If you don't admit it, you could lose her to someone else and you know exactly who that is."

Kaname continued to glare at her. Sara growled and turned on her heel, walking towards the door, "Make up your mind, Kaname, before someone else makes it for you."

Kaname fell back on to his chaise as Sara left him. He stared at the ceiling and then clenched his eyes shut, his wife's face appearing in my mind: torturing him and teasing him.

Meanwhile, Hikari wandered into the ballroom. It was a large and airy room with large windows to let in lots of light. They had only used this room once and that was for the wedding.

Hikari scoffed slightly, "A marriage? What marriage," she pirouetted on the spot and giggled as she thought of the night before. She could still feel Kaname's hands on her and his lips on hers. It had excited her to the point where she had wanted him. Hikari had been left cold by the rejection she had suffered when he told her that he needed to "process what happened".

Hikari began to hum a soft tune as she began to dance by herself, twirling and pirouetting from time to time. She became so lost in her dance and imagination that she didn't notice someone enter the room, grabbing her wrists. Hikari squealed and looked behind her.

"It's no fun dancing on your own, my lady," Hanabusa said with a sweet smile. Hikari blinked and turned around to face him.

"I haven't seen you in so long," Hikari replied as she let herself be led in a waltz.

"I have had family commitments," Hanabusa replied, "I just returned to court today."

"It's good to have you back, Lord Hanabusa," Hikari replied, "I miss our conversations."

"As have I," Hanabusa replied as he pulled her close. Hikari gasped slightly and gazed up at him with wonder, "You look very beautiful, my lady," he whispered, "How do you do it?"

"I don't know," Hikari replied, clearly flustered, "I suppose I owe it to my maid Hana."

"You don't need someone else to make you look beautiful," Hanabusa replied as he pulled her closer by her waist whispered hotly in her ear, "You were born beautiful."

Hikari gasped slightly and her cheeks reddened, "And you're a born flatterer," Hikari muttered. Hanabusa chuckled and continued to move, holding the princess to his firm body. She didn't want to admit it but she liked being close to him. Every nerve in her body tingled with excitement.

"Hanabusa," Hikari whispered as she clung to him. At the mere mention of his name, Hanabusa looked up at her and their eyes met, causing them to still against each other.

"Hikari," Hanabusa whispered back, "You have an effect on me that I cannot ignore."

"This is treason… whichever way you look at it," Hikari replied, "You and I can never be."

"Kiss me and say that," Hanabusa replied, "You can be set free from this marriage."

"I know you can," Hikari replied. She was close to him and maybe a little too close to him. However, the want for intimacy was too great. Hanabusa seemed to genuinely want her and wasn't repulsed by her touch in anyway. Her mind wandered back to the night before when Kaname had kissed her lustfully and heatedly. The heated caresses had made her head spin with recently undiscovered lust.

Now, Hanabusa had changed all that. Hanabusa intoxicated her. His touch was different from Kaname's touch and it made her melt against him. Without thinking too much about it, her lips pressed against his gently. Hanabusa, not giving her a chance to pull away, placed a hand on the back of her head and kissed her back.

"Hanabusa," Hikari uttered against his lips and pulled away, "We can't do this!"

"Why not," Hanabusa replied irritably, "You are unloved by him! You can't honestly want to carry on the way you are."

"No, you're right," Hikari replied, "But this isn't the best way to go about it! If we do this, we're no better than Hanaka and Lord Kaname! This is not right."

Hanabusa stared at her for a moment, "But, Hikari, you're being mistreated! Do you really wish to carry on with this… sham of a marriage?"

Hikari fiddled with her hands, "Yes, but… I can't do this… what if we're seen? It is treason for me to take a lover and I cannot go against the law! You must understand that."

"Hikari, I care about you," Hanabusa said honestly, "I will not lie. I know you care about me too."

"I do," Hikari replied, "But for now, you must forget your feelings for me! Believe me; this is going to be hard for me to even do this… but we must forget."

Hanabusa, heartbroken and humiliated, frowned deeply and he stared at the floor, "I see."

"Please, I'm protecting you. You're Kaname's friend. How will he feel if his friend has taken his wife as his lover? I know that I shouldn't feel so strongly about this, but I am afraid for you. Kaname would kill you without hesitation," Hikari said, "Please, don't ruin the life you for my sake. I am here because of my family's destitution… to save us from starving and selling our home."

"The Aidou family would be able to help," Hanabusa shot back. Hikari flinched.

"I know," Hikari whispered, "But, I need to give my relationship with Lord Kaname a chance. I think I am getting through to him and still get through more yet. Lord Kaname is a very conflicted young man. He needs to know that he can turn to me if he needs me."

"Which will be never as he has that whore," Hanabusa replied spitefully.

"I have hope and… I need to hold on a little longer," Hikari said with a kind smile and she took his hand in hers, smoothing her thumb over his knuckles comfortingly, "If you care for me as much as you say you do, please support me."

Hanabusa ran a hand through his golden hair, "I suppose I have no choice."

"Thank you," Hikari said before giving him a brief hug, "It means a lot."

Please Review!