"Do not let me fall asleep Dorota!" – She cries from across the living room. – "I have to study and catch up on literally everything…"
"Yes, Miss Blair"- Dorota agrees and places a big cup of strong sugarless coffee in front of Blair.
"Plus I have odd dreams…I'm so tired" – She mumbles into the cup.
So she studies.
….
Her sleeping routine is set to maximum five hours per night, because when Blair sets her mind on getting good grades she is ready to sacrifice her looks, her flawless skin and her night rest. And of course if that means she won't dream of Humphrey, so be it.
Whenever she calls Chuck, he tells her the same thing – "We'll get through this, just be patient, not now".
All she can do is exhale deeply and focus on her text books, promising herself that she will prove everyone wrong… about everything.
…
The day starts terrible. She oversleeps, and no matter how much she rushes to get ready, she knows she is going to get in the middle of the class and the International Politics professor already has an opinion about her. She barks at Dorota as she practically trips on the stairs while trying to put on her shoes. Half an hour later she is at NYU, running down the hall to get as fast as she can, to her classroom.
"Ah, good morning, sorry I'm late…" – She says voicelessly and the entire group of students turns their heads to her.
"Again, Miss Waldrof" – The middle aged woman raises her eye brow. – "Sit down, you will probably get at least a bit from today's class" – She sighs and continues talking. Blair lowers her head and walks to the last row where she spots an empty spot.
She can't help but feel miserable. Not because she was late, but because everything seems wrong with her, her life, where she goes… She thinks how she would never go back to her mother's to ask for another chance. She isn't sure if she actually wants to even work for her Eleanor, or in fashion…
As she drifts off with her thoughts (instead to listens or even join the debate that starts after her professor is done talking) a voice practically makes her jump up from her chair. She can't see who exactly is speaking, but there is no mistake about it. Humphrey. She makes a face as if she is sick and about to vomit, rolls her eyes and puts her palm over her eyes holding her head… This simply can't be. What the hell is he doing there and why?
She lowers her torso in the chair she instantly starts making a plan for a transfer on a different university.
….
She successfully mixes with the rest of the crowd of students that tries to get out of the classroom just to avoid Humphrey, who stays and talks something with the professor. The ladies room is the only safe place for now and she rushes to get there.
She has an urge to call someone – Dorota, her mother, Serena if she was actually speaking to her…The panic attack she experiences can't be compared to anything else – not when her father left and she had to hide in her closed and cry or when Serena stole Nate and she had to scream in her pillow every night.
"Ok, shut up" – She says out loud to her brain. – "I am not fourteen year old and this is mine territory." – She flattens down the wrinkles on her skirt, adjusts her hair and confidently walks out of the ladies room. Everything is clear, at least she can't spot him anywhere near, so she walks a bit faster than she meant, to the exit.
And there he is, talking to a girl, visibly younger, at least 20 years old, and Blair narrows her eyebrows looking with disgust in their direction. She is sure she is going to walk to the other side of the hall to get out of the other exit, but her feet are taking her exactly to where Dan and the girl are standing. Oh, he smiles, and she has her disgusted face on again.
"Excuse me!" – She pokes pretty hard his biceps and he turns around to face her. The two fast blinks are betraying him although he seems calm. – "What are you doing here?" – She asks arrogantly.
"I go here, if you can reca…" – He can't even finish the sentence.
"Yeah, yeah, you were going here hundredth years ago. You can't go here now because I…"
"What?" – He interrupts her too. – "NYU is yours?" – He asks with mocking tone and the girl that stands by him smiles. Blair cuts her with her gaze and she turns her head.
"It might be if I want to. Plus, I saw you on International Politics and I put veto on that, you can't have it!" – She says like a spoiled brat. Dan laughs in disbelief.
"Aha, so we're highschool again. Ok…" – He turns around and makes a step when Blair grabs his arm and forces him to stop.
"Change your subjects Humphrey!" – She commands. The girl still stands several steps away and giggles quietly. – "And you go home and wash that thing you call hair!" – She snaps at her.
"You're insane Waldorf. But thanks for making me laugh!" – He says and walks out of the building with that girl.
If only she had a weapon in that moment, she thinks…
….
The following days everything is slamming doors, screaming at people who don't deserve it and hating the world, and Blair knows that she will have to mark her territory somehow.
It's Wednesday and she goes to college again, dressed more casual, a yellow day dress, platforms and a matching bag. If that's casual at all…She is not late for class and sits in the first row, ready to bite everyone who will irritate her even one bit. Her classmates are arriving, taking their spots, the professor arrives too and yet, Humphrey is nowhere to be seen. She smiles contently but can't help but look at the door every now and then. Then she digs her nails into her palms as a self warning to stop looking in that direction.
He doesn't show up at NYU that day at all.
…
Chuck comes over that evening. The moment he steps inside she tells herself that he is everything she needs. No panic attacks, no diploma, no money, no job…just Chuck. He hugs her and kisses her forehead, asking her how college is. And then the bubble pops.
"College?" – She asks. – "It's hard after a while…" – She sighs. – "I really have to compete with these younger and restless brats and above all Humph…" – She stops.
Chuck pushes her lightly away from him with a smirk on his face.
"Humphrey got back to college?" – He asks.
"Yes" – She rolls her eyes. – "We probably have a subject or two together. I can't stand him around"
"I don't want to be a bastard, but you are actually noticing his presence? I mean…we all know it was just a phase, right?" – He doesn't actually ask, but puts those words into her head, so she will memorize them.
…
Chuck doesn't stay with her for too long. After all, there is always something or someone more important than her, and of course they are on stand by. It makes Blair angry and annoyed but she tries to calm down every time she thinks about it.
She lets herself go to bed earlier that night. The moment she falls asleep she knows that next time she sees Humphrey she will act as if he doesn't exist.
"So…?"- She hears his deep raspy voice. – "What are we gonna do?"
"What?" – She is confused, because she can't see him.
"We both know there is place for only one of us at NYU, so who's gonna be?"
"Humphrey, you must be out of your mind to ask this!" – She is sharp, although she speaks to practically no one.
"Out of mine, but in yours for sure" – He gets that cocky tone she hates.
"Don't know what you're talking about?"
"You missed me on Wednesday, didn't you?"
"You wish. And show yourself, I hate this"
"So you want to see my face, right?"
"Yes, so I can slap you!"
"How's Chuck?"
The cell phone beeps and she wakes up. Oh, this is going to be the day. If Humphrey shows up, he's gonna get all of her rage.
…
Almost three weeks go by and she doesn't see him at all. She might even forget that she saw him at all, if she didn't have all those dreams about him almost every night.
Sometimes she dreams that he just sits there in her room, or that he passes by her in the hallways, or he is just a random guy on the street… In between, those little sequences in her dreams, he's above her as she lies in her bed, so close, she can even feel the warmth of his breath, he goes to kiss her, but he never does. He just stands like that, leaned above her, his lips an inch away, sometimes even closer and she does try to raise a bit to kiss him… but she can't. That's when she wakes up in the middle of the night and can't sleep anymore.
If before NYU she was constantly calling Chuck, now she calls him twice a week tops.
…
It's Friday, and she decides to put jeans on. Jeans. She hates to admit, but she has absolutely no friends at college, because most of them think that she's an uptight snob, or a young professor, or they don't even notice her.
So jeans, white shirt and a jacket. Her heart breaks but she puts on flats too, and although Dorota compliments her outfit, she feels kind of… tiny and unnoticeable.
College boys think differently. They turn their heads as she walks by them, some of them even try to talk to her, her classmates are actually smiling at her. The day seems to start really great.
She catches up on her book on her lunch break, sitting alone in the cafeteria when someone sits opposite of her.
"So?" – His hair is equally messy as she knows, his beard is longer, he seems skinnier and fresher in the same time.
"So, what?" – She snaps, looks at him strictly and goes back to her book.
"What made the former princess come back among the peasants and actually study?" – He has the decency to mock her. She wants to force a cynical smile or snap a witty insult, but she decides to completely ignore him. They stay quiet for few moments.
"Good, you called yourself a peasant, finally accepting it" – She doesn't look at him at all.
"Ohh, fifth grade one liners. So smart" –He snaps back immediately.
"Excuse me, are we friends?" – She puts the book down and asks the question a bit louder so people can hear. He looks into her eyes, not blinking, having a dilemma whether to answer that question or not. In the end he stands up and leaves.
"We used to be." – He steps back and whispers in her ear.
….
She tries to get Serena, but all she can get is her voice mail. She even calls Lily, but she can't get certain info if Serena and Dan are still together. All she says is that Serena spends more time lately with her father and that over the weekend he took her and Eric to the Hamptons.
The night is odd, she can't sleep, she can't study, she can't watch movies… So she decides to take a sleeping pill.
The room is getting weird. Her body is heavy and she falls asleep.
Somebody strokes her face and she tries very hard to open her eyes. His face is dark, all she can see in the dark room is the v – cut on his shirt and his hairy chest. She can even smell his aftershave. It doesn't matter how much she was criticizing it, it always smelled soothing whenever he'd have hugged her.
"No" – She mumbles.
"No, what?" – He whispers and she still can't see his face.
"Don't…touch me" – She mumbles.
"Why not?"
"Let me sleep" – She practically begs.
"You are sleeping"
"Go away"
"I'm not here"
"No. Go away"
"Why Chuck isn't here?"
"None of your business" – She can hear herself speak more coherent.
"You think he would have made me leave you alone?"
"You bet he would"
"That's called brainwashing" – His voice is so deep, so sure in what he says, it scares her to death.
"This is just a dream" – She says a bit louder.
"So it's just in your head and you'll forget it in the morning" – He leans in, stroking her face. – "Maybe I should…"- He leans even more – "…Before I go" – And she feels she moves her head up to reach his lips, but he's gone.
She does remember the dream when she wakes up.
….
He sits on a bench in front of the college when she spots him. It's been a while since she saw him the last time, and as much as she hates to admit, it's weird they don't see each other that often. He reads something and she is now furious, because well… He tortures her in her dreams and he's not allowed to do that.
"So, Humphrey!" – She pushes his backpack away and sits next to him. He looks as if she's insane. – "Did you change your group?"
"I was supposed to?" – He asks and goes back to his book. She grabs it violently from his hands.
"Don't act stupid and naive with me, I don't want you around and if you push me a little harder, I will do my best to get you out of NYU!"
"And how exactly are you going to do that? Chuck will help you?" – He asks and his face changes.
"I'm capable of doing things on my own!" – She says, her eyes narrowing.
"Right, because you're here to learn how to become a powerful woman. Can I have my book back?"
"Change your group, I don't want you to be around me"
"Because it might influent your non-existent relationship with Chuck?" – He grabs his book back. – "Get yourself together and if you hate seeing me here, just pretend that I don't exist, just as I do it with you!"
He leaves and she feels her eyes sting and filling with tears.
….
The problem happens when they have to work in a smaller group on a research and the two other guys and the girl are constantly confused by their arguments and banters.
"You know each other from before?" – The girl asks and immediately regrets. Blair doesn't have to say anything, she just gives her the look.
The group does a terrible job, because of the bad atmosphere and the occasional insulting one liners Blair and Dan throw to each other. In the end of the day, the captain of the group explodes and starts yelling to everyone, mostly to Dan and Blair for not being professional and because they act like babies.
"You had history, it ended, why the fuck my grades have to suffer because of it." – He yells and leaves the classroom. The rest of their colleagues leave too.
"You see what you've done" – Blair says calmly as she puts her notebook in her bag.
"Me? You have the decency…"
"If you knew anything about professionalism, you'd have just shut up and pretend that I don't exist." – He laughs bitterly in order to sustain his anger. – "Or if you knew what professionalism meant, you'd have write at least another great book, but since you are talentless and lack professionalism, you can't think of anything that doesn't include your friends' intimacy and of course…"
"Seriously?" – He rises from his chair, puts his messenger bag over his shoulder and prepares to leave. She seems calm and doesn't seem to stop with the insults.
"Well, I haven't heard anything new from the great author of the teenage crappy novella. Perhaps your muse…sorry, muses dumped you and…"
"Goodbye Blair" – He turns around and walks away. She is fully aware that she overreacted, just as she's fully aware that she had no idea why she babbled that thing.
"Always running away" – She adds and puts her bag over her elbow, walking to the door. Just before she puts her hand on the door knob, he opens the door urgently.
"I don't know what your problem is, but I'm gonna tell you mine!" – He barks.
"You don't really have to" – Her voice is arrogant.
"I came here to finish the damn college because I spent days and weeks and months trying to finish writing a book, and besides that I fucked up a year and a half tip toeing around a bitchy princess who happened to be blinder than a bat, who was treating me like a crap, not willing to even say thank you for being there for her completely and without questions, who happened to be the epitome of a spoiled brat, so excuse me if I'm here in a campus where thousands of students are passing everyday and happened to share a class or two with you. Don't care if you decided to actually get a degree and not just being another rich housewife left behind by her uninterested husband who by the way will fuck everything and anything that will come his way. I don't care if you are here because you want to impress your mother or Chuck, or simply realized you have to finish your education and stop whine around about the fucking dark knight after you saw the freaky reality with the one from Monaco. I'm here to study, and if you can't accept my presence here, drop out. Don't look at me, stop talking to me, because I don't think I will tolerate your insults ever again!" – He finishes, almost surprised by his courage to say that monologue. She just stands there, her eyes are visibly filling with tears and she doesn't reply back. She passes by him and walks to the exit.
Of course he runs after and stops her.
"Ok, I'm sorry, but you really can be annoying and demanding and I don't own you anything, just leave me alone!"
"Sure" – She says quietly. – "Maybe an explanation why you fucked Serena on a counter, but that's really not a big deal, all of this is kind of a déjà vu for me, so I'm used on it" – She's cynical and arrogant again.
"You can't be serious!" – He says. – "Weren't you the one who run away first?"
"And wasn't that a smart decision? Thank God it happened like that, I wouldn't stand cheating…"
"From anyone else, but Chuck, right?" – He throws it back at her.
"You really can't get over him, can you?" – She cries. His words never hurt her so much.
"And neither can you, we got that!"
"Just the same way with you and Serena, so everything is in place then" – She can barely say the words coherent, trying to keep her voice sharp.
"With that difference that I'm…was in love with you more than anyone else, considered you being my fucking soul mate!" – He yells and that's when they realize people are turning their heads. His phone rings and he gets it out of his pocket, his hands shaking from anger. – "It's Serena" – He says angry.
"I don't give a fuck" – She says, unable to control her tears, as he looks at the phone –"I didn't even ask that" – She runs away from him because she doesn't want him to see that he made her cry.
She doesn't dream of him that night.
tbc