She avoids everyone.
Exams are near, so she barely leaves the penthouse, wears her silky pajamas and robes, studies in bed, eats in bed and doesn't comb her hair. When Chuck calls her she tells him she is extremely busy. He barely listens to what she has to say about the subjects and the following exams and he rushes to tell her that he is taking her on a weekend in a secluded cabin upstate once the midterms are over. She nods in relief because she really feels that New York is too small for her now.
…
The first exam is on Tuesday. She knows Dan will be there but her fear to face him is somehow non existent. She acts as a sleepwalker, goes to college, finds the classroom and goes back home. The exam day isn't much different. She sits on her spot, looks into her hands and her pen, not turning her head around in order to avoid his gaze. But when he passes by her she knows it's him. Who else would wear those hideous shoes? Still she doesn't move her head or any other part of her body to acknowledge his presence.
As the professor places sheets with the test in front of the students, she feels her hands are getting cold and very wet, something that never happened to her before. It's because of the first exam after so long, but she knows she tries to lie to herself.
The entire week with exams goes the same – going to college, sitting down, answering the questions and going back home. The last day, she finishes among the first students, leaves the test to desk where the professor sits and leaves the classroom. The fear she had that was making her look down the entire time in order to avoid Humphrey, now becomes reality. He sits just few steps away from the classroom, checking his textbook.
The hall is quite spacious, she can literally pass by him and he will not notice her, but the problem is, she wants to go to him, to say something. To insult him, to yell back (quite later than his monologue he'd say, she knows) to say that she's sorry, to say that she is depressed maybe, and that she constantly has weird dreams of him…
Instead, she passes quietly on the other side of the hall, blending in the students who are getting out of other classrooms. After all, when she'll come back from the trip with Chuck, this sadness and odd vibrations will be long dead. Chuck always had the cure, she thinks. She thinks…
Several classmates start talking to her in the yard and she doesn't even try to avoid them or think of an excuse. She just stays there; they talk about the test when a black town car stops in front of them. Most people turn their heads when Chuck gets out of the car, they recognize him as one of the youngest businessmen in New York City, and most girls really freak out, because among them, the actual commoners, Chuck Bass is a myth.
When Blair walks to him to enter the town car she can't control herself and turns around. What she was successfully avoiding the entire week, now is in the form of two dark brown eyes, staring at her with such mixture of disgust and disappointment, it literally shakes her to her core. It's such a short gaze and he disappears, but it imprints in her head and she doesn't say a word the entire day.
….
Chuck takes her to a luxurious mountain house with a wonderful view on a small lake. The place is magical, the air clean and thick she can't stop breathing. The porch has a swing with cushions that are like clouds, so the moment they arrive she collapses in it and stares in the blue-greenish water.
"You like it here?" – Chuck asks her and puts a glass of champagne in her hand. She smiles and nods. – "I'm gonna buy it for you…as a wedding gift" – He sits next to her. She doesn't lower her head to his shoulder (as usual) and her body stiffens. Suddenly the place seems ugly.
…
Serena and Eric visit him that weekend. They can't shut up about their father and all the places he took them; and he just nods, smiles, asks questions mechanically but he doesn't actually listens or cares.
Last time Serena was with him she got drunk and babbled some things that made him think. One of them was "Blair is your soul mate and you're mine, so what are we gonna do about that?"
Convincing her that he can not be her soul mate by any means was a futile job, so he let her speak her mind out. She was constantly giggling during her happy speech how happy she was for Chuck and Blair and that they were meant to be and other mediocre bullshit, using words she wasn't understanding well, only because she actually read a few books meanwhile.
Now, she was too happy and calm because finally her father found time for her and her brother. Eric on the other hand, with talent like no one else among the Van Der Woodsens, notices that something isn't quite well, so when Serena's phone rings and she walks into Dan's room to answer, he sits on a chair closer to Dan.
"What is it?"
Dan hesitates, tries to cover the truth with stories about the exams, studying after so long, college…
"Blair got back to college, my mother told me" – Eric cuts him.
"Yes…" – Dan sighs. – "We have several classes together"
"Ouch" – Eric makes worried face. – "How…" – He doesn't manage to finish his thought.
"Bad. I yelled at her so much the other week, I think I made her cry. If she was throwing an insult or two before, now she was literally… She was absent you know, not just avoiding me, but you know, shutting out everyone."
"Don't tell Serena" – Eric leans back to see if she's still in Dan's bedroom. – "I'm sorry"
"No, there is nothing to be sorry about. I mean, she made her choice and all I could have to do… I mean not about her choice, but you know… it's kind of silly for her to go high school Blair on me…after everything…so I had to…although…" – He sighs, takes his bottle of beer and takes a sip.
"Although what?" – Eric asks.
"I can't stop feeling like shit"
"Oh man…this isn't over at all" – Eric says with very worried tone. – "From both sides…" – Dan looks at him and his eyebrows narrow.
"Of course it's over. We're just not happy to see each other in the same building.
"Then why do you feel like shit? – Dan has no answer. – "You should tell Serena…or at least make up a good break up story because despite what I think of you and Blair, I really don't want to see my sister hurt again."
"What do you think of me and Blair?" – Dan asks, suddenly too interested.
"See, I told you it's far from over." – Eric smiles. – "Blair Waldorf in my opinion…was…or might be only tamed and not in the way a shrew is tamed…but you know…can be calmed down by an equal intellectual snob, sharp minded big mouth yet emotional enough to show her that not all men are Chuck Bass."
Dan's mouth drops open. He smiles.
….
The long foreplay doesn't excite her. Yes his lips seem familiar and he knows what to do with them, but when after several tries she can't relax, she pushes him away and jumps up in the bed.
"I can't" – She says. – "I need some air" – She pulls on the silky robe over her body and runs down stairs. The night is magical. The air is fresh and cold, the smell of the water in the lake gets to her nostrils and she breathes in like she was choking just few moments before. It's then when she feels the coldness on her bare feet, so she sits on the swing and places her feet under her body.
Chuck doesn't come after her immediately and she can't be happier. The tears start rolling down to fulfill the picture of her sitting alone in the middle of nowhere, in an expensive mountain house, with Chuck upstairs who doesn't do anything to realize that she isn't happy. A literal narration of her being there, sad and alone, goes in her head and she thinks Humphrey may use a picture like that to describe the lonely and depressed Claire Carlyle Trout.
Loud sob escapes her mouth and echoes in the quiet nature. She quickly wipes off her tears when Chuck turns on the porch lights and looks at her.
"What's wrong?" – He asks. She wants to answer but she doesn't actually know what is really wrong. – "Blair, I swear to you, the hard days are behind us, you think I brought you here for fun?" – He kneels before her. – "I meant to do this tomorrow in the morning, to wake you up with a proposal, but it can't wait." – He takes the necklace with the ring our of his robe pocket (after he saw it on the nightstand where she put it) and takes her hand. – "Blair Cornelia Waldorf…?" – He smiles, but her face doesn't change. He thinks that her tears are tears of joy.
"No" – She mouths.
"Will you marry me?"- Chuck continues the proposal not hearing her "no". It's when Blair curls her fingers so he can't put the ring on.
"No" – She speaks a bit louder.
"I'm not joking Blair"
"Neither am I" – She sniffs. – "I can't" – She says with mortified face.
"Why not?" – He's no longer worried, but the arrogance and the annoyance are covering his face.
"I don't know…I don't feel ready and it's been just two years since my first failed marriage…"
"That was different" – He smiles as he tries to assure her that she's wrong.
"No. I jumped into it unprepared and I won't do it again…"
"Ok then…I'll keep this ring for when you're ready, maybe I rushed this whole thing…" – He raises up from the floor.
"I don't…think…" – She looks into his eyes, her courage beating her fear. – "…will be ever…"
He looks at her questionably, right eyebrow raised, eyes narrowed like he knows something.
"Very well…" – He says and walks away from her, gets inside and comes back in a few moments. He lights his joint and sits down on a chair next to the swing. – "Humphrey will like this" – He breathes out the smoke and the fresh and sweet air suddenly gets contaminated by the heavy smoke of his marijuana.
She knows that first thing in the morning she's going back to New York.
…
Serena stays in the loft even though Eric left. People think that Dan and she are together, but the truth is, they don't know what they are doing. She always forces the "soul mate" story and how she can be with anyone but in the end of the day she always thinks of him. He soaks the words in, thinking how life is a bitch and that he and Serena are pretty much alike about that matter, and that he does the same thing, except the person who thinks of in the end of the day is not her. It's still Blair.
She kisses him and unbuttons his shirt and he kisses back completely unfocused on the action, just being there while his mind rambles and all he hears in his head is "this isn't over at all". When his phone vibrates on the table he pushes Serena off of him and grabs the phone as if he was waiting for it.
I deserved everything you said. I'm sorry. No matter what you think, I really am.
He stares at the text, rereads it several times, checks the name again but he reads well. Blair.
"Hey" – Serena says dreamy, her shirt semi open. – "Is that phone more interesting than me?" – She walks her fingers from his waist up his spine.
"No…I…" – He reads the message again and doesn't know what he feels – if he's angry because she probably laughs at him in bed with Chuck after the steamy sex they had, or maybe… He doesn't want to make assumptions. – "I have to get this" – He says and walks out of the loft, running downstairs in the middle of the night, his shirt unbuttoned. The street is quiet, just a few cabs are passing. He dials up.
"What was that for?" –He doesn't even say hello.
"Hello Humphrey" – Her voice is firm. – "I felt like saying it, I don't know what should it be for"
"Ok." – He says, his mind suddenly empty.
"Ok" – She says too. – "Good night"
"Blair?" – He quickly says before she hangs up.
"What?" – She tries to sound strict.
"I'm sorry too..."
"It's ok…" – She replies and it seems it's the first time since they know each other to be in a situation where they don't know what to say.
"Serena's here" – He blurts out.
"Oh, well…sorry for disturbing you"
"No, I'm outside…"
"I don't understand"
"I went outside the building to call you" – He says.
"You should go back" – She says, but her words don't sound convincing. He can hear noise of a moving car as she speaks.
"Where are you?"
"In a taxi, taking me to the nearest airport in this middle of nowhere"
"With…?" – He doesn't pronounce Chuck's name.
"Alone" – She says. He can't say anything afterwards, or maybe he doesn't want to. Just a loud exhale covers the silence. – "Good night" – She says.
"Good…" – He replies. She hangs up first.
He needs to recover from the shock, so he stays in the dark entrance alone, buttons up his shirt and his brain is racing.
"I can't do this again" – He says out loud. Serena calls his name and her voice echoes in the building. It reminds him to go back.
"What happened?" – Serena opens the door as he walks in.
"Nothing, Jenny had some trouble so she had to vent. I really need to sleep"
"Sleep?!" – Serena is surprised.
"Yes…I just have to lie down" – He has to assure her that Jenny is fine and that it's really nothing. – "See you tomorrow" – He says, but not with questioning and hoping voice, but more like he tries to say "Please leave me alone".
Once she leaves the loft, he collapses in his bed and strangely peacefully falls asleep.