A/N I don't own Vampire Knight nor do I make any profit from it

Chapter 34 - Grief Know's no Bounds

Kaname and Hikari sadness was felt throughout the court. The court officials were unsympathetic. They believed that once Hikari's rest period was over, that she should start trying to conceive again. Hikari couldn't face passionate and loving intimacy with Kaname until her mind had caught up with what had happened. She tried to explain this to them but it went through one ear and out the other. They believed that she should give in to her husband out of duty and give him another child.

Kaname, however, had no desire to pressure her into anything. People were shocked by this and half of them were expecting him to take a mistress since he wasn't getting any intimacy from Hikari. The insensitivity of the advisors astounded the young king.

Eisuke didn't like how the court treated his daughter either. When he was finally allowed to see his daughter, Hikari's state of mind was still rather unstable and numb.

"Hikari, I can't begin to express my sadness on this matter," Eisuke said as he grasped his daughter's hands in his. He saw his son in law approaching and he cast a sad smile his way. Hikari's gave way and Kaname caught her just in time. He helped her to sit on the chaise and Hana brought a tray of tea, placing it on the coffee table. Eisuke sat on the opposite chaise.

Kaname held the emotionally dead Hikari up in a sitting position, "I don't know what do to, Eisuke," Kaname said, "People are pressuring us to produce another child now that Hikari has healed physically. Hikari may be physically healed but her emotions have completely shut down. I could never make love to a woman who wasn't into it emotionally."

"Don't listen to the pressure, Kaname," Eisuke said, "You are a kind husband to wait for her. Hikari's health is what matters. We don't want another stillborn."

Kaname held his wife and kissed her forehead, "I finally convinced her to sleep in the same bed as me again. She withdrew from my bed a couple of days after the birth and slept in her own room."

"Kaname," Hikari whispered, "I'm thirsty."

Kaname looked down at his wife whose eyes were red with bloodlust. Eisuke gazed at his daughter with saddened eyes, "I should go. This is an intimate exchange. Kaname, my thoughts are with you and my daughter. I am sorry I am unable to stay longer but Hikari's need for you is more important. I will return later in the day."

"All right," Kaname said as Hikari pushed him down to lie back on the chaise. Eisuke chuckled slight before swiftly leaving the room. Hikari stared at him through hazy red eyes and she unbuttoned his white shirt before leaning down to lick his neck. Kaname gasped and moaned involuntary.

Hikari sank her fangs into his neck and Kaname's arms wrapped around her body. He needed to show her his feelings. Hikari sighed as she let her husband's blood gush into her mouth, "Hikari, I need you…" Kaname whispered before he could stop himself. Hikari place his hands on her bare thighs, which had risen up her legs as she straddled her husband, "Hikari… what…"

"Just enjoy this moment," Hikari whispered and she returned to drinking. Kaname lost himself in the feel of her luxuriously silky skin. He was losing control of his own body and he knew that he had to take back the control.

"Hikari, don't tempt me like this," Kaname said in a low groan. Hikari could taste his desire for her and she felt guilty. Eventually, she felt their positions being shifted and her fangs slid out of Kaname's neck. She looked up at him as he hovered over her. She knew that he was at his limit. They had not engaged in proper intimacy since they found out about the second pregnancy. All in all, it had been little over nine months since then. Never had he gone that long without physical intimacy.

"I'm not tempting you," Hikari replied.

"You are… and you are making this harder for me," Kaname said as he gazed down at her, "I don't want to force you into anything."

Hikari gazed at him, at a loss as to what to do. She knew that her husband wanted her and that he was trying his best not to force her to give into him. However, when she gazed into his eyes, she could see the longing and the feral want shining in his eyes which he tried to restrain. Guilt attacked her heart viciously.

"I love you," Hikari whispered, "I should not be selfish," her eyes filled with tears. Kaname shook his head quickly.

"You're not ready… don't do it out of duty…" Kaname replied helplessly, "I want you to want me when you're ready. I want you to receive me with love not duty."

"But I am doing it out of love," Hikari replied, "I am allowing you to love me as in a way which makes you feel like a man… I am yours to do as you wish with."

Kaname kissed her gently and shook his head, "No, you haven't taken any of the contraceptive herb lately and there's a huge risk of you getting pregnant. I don't want us to succumb to the pressure of the court."

"This isn't about conceiving a baby," Hikari replied, "It's about being with the man I love."

"But we will conceive a child if we go through with this," Kaname replied, "You're not ready to do so. You are still grieving and so am I."

Hikari's head fell back on the chaise's cushions and she gazed at him, "I will take that as a no," Hikari said as she sighed deeply. Kaname buried his head in her neck and planted light kisses there. Hikari began to sob again and she held on to her husband tightly. Then they heard the door open but paid no heed to it until Kaname turned his head to see his daughter toddling into the room. He brought Hikari and himself to sit up and Haruka toddled towards them.

"Mummy," she said with a gleeful delight. Hikari turned her head towards her daughter and grabbed her, engulfing Haruka in her arms. Haruka snuggled into her mother and Kaname wrapped an arm around Hikari's shoulders, "Mummy, why you cry," she mumbled. Hikari held her daughter tighter and kissed the top of her head.

"You don't need to know, my baby," Hikari replied in a hushed whisper, tears streaming from her eyes, "My little baby…"

Haruka blinked as she looked at her father and then back at her mother, "Mummy…Mummy…Mummy…." Haruka said, desperately trying to get her mother's attention and her voice getting higher and higher. Kaname could barely hold back his own tears and he couldn't bear to watch his wife in such a state.

"Kaname, I feel so… numb," Hikari whispered, "Nothing seems to matter to me anymore."

"We matter, Hikari," Kaname replied, pulled her closer to him, "Haruka and I should matter to you. Yes, we lost a child but it doesn't that we cannot have another."

"You make it sound so easy," Hikari hissed, "You have one moment of pleasure and then that's it. It's then left to me… and six excruciating months to share a bond that you will never have and when that child is born dead… a part of me dies with that child. I went through excruciating pain for nothing. That's why nothing matters anymore," she placed Haruka on Kaname's lap and stood up abruptly, taking Kaname by surprise, "You can never understand that so don't claim to so."

Haruka started crying as Hikari stormed from the room, "Hikari, wait," He stood up with Haruka in his arms and strode from the room. As a passing servant walked by, Kaname thrust Haruka into her arms, "Take Princess Haruka to her nursery."

"Eh… yes, my lord," she said as Haruka started screaming.

"Wait, have you seen my wife go by?"

"Yes, the other servants were trying to stop her! That's why I was coming up," she said, looking rather panicked, "Lady Hikari just ran out in the pouring rain in just her nightgown!"

"Why does she do this to herself?" Kaname growled and he strode away. Not bothering with a coat, he walked out of the Kuran manor and gasped as the rain made contact with his body. Each rain drop was painful and complete drenched his body. Without caring for himself, he walked out into the rain, hoping nothing had happened to his beloved wife.

For hours, Hikari wandered a muddy country lane, barefoot, wet and cold. She could smell Kaname's scent on the howling wind yet it did nothing to comfort her. Her body was close to collapse and she dropped to her knees helplessly, the white silk of her night gown, soiled by the mud.

"Lady Hikari," she heard someone say and she looked up slowly, the rain impairing her vision. Golden blond hair flashed before her eyes and realised who had found her.

"Hanabusa," she sobbed, "Is that you?"

"Yes, my lady," he said as he scooped her body into his arms.

"What… what are you doing out here?"

"I smelt your scent and your tears have a pretty strong scent too," Hanabusa said, "We're closer to my manor. I will take you there and contact the Kuran manor," he said as he quickly strode towards his manor. As he arrived at the Aidou manor, the servants were startled by the presence of their pureblood queen. They were also shocked by her feeble appearance and how fragile she appeared in Hanabusa's arms.

"Run a bath for Queen Hikari," Hanabusa ordered, "And prepare a bed and a new night gown."

"Yes, my lord," the servants said as Hanabusa ran upstairs and was led to one of the best guest rooms in the manor. It was ensuite so she could go straight into the bath when it was run for her. They walked into the bathroom so that Hikari's feet wouldn't muddy the fine carpet.

"I will take it from here, my lord," a pretty female servant said. Hanabusa nodded and walked out. The servant turned to Hikari and gazed at her for a moment, "Well, would you allow me to remove your night gown?"

Hikari didn't answer but allowed her to take the nightgown from over her head. She was left in only her panties and a no bra. Her stomach had back to being flat and her breasts had gone back to their normal size due to not breastfeeding. Hikari didn't even bother to hide herself as she removed her own panties. The servant helped her into the bath, letting the hot water envelope her in warmth.

"My queen, how did you get in this state? Why were you out in the rain," she asked and Hikari then numbly answered,

"I needed to be by myself," she replied, "I didn't care about the rain. I didn't care about anything… nothing matters."

The servant noted the empty stare in Hikari's eyes. It was common knowledge that Hikari's child was born dead so the servant was well aware of why Hikari was so depressed.

"Well, my queen," she said as she scrubbed Hikari's hair with sweet smelling shampoo, "With all due respect, it was very foolish to go out in such a state."

"I care not for myself anymore," Hikari replied, "Nothing matters anymore."

The servant sighed as poured hot water over Hikari's head and rinsed shampoo out of the girl's hair. After scrubbing Hikari's body of the mud, she helped the exhausted queen out of the bath and dried her off with a large, pink fluffy towel. Afterwards, a clean night gown was placed upon her.

"Let's put you to bed," the servant said as Hikari climbed into the soft bed and the warm duvet was pulled over her. She barely registered the silkiness of the sheets or heat coming from the layers of blankets. Then there was a knock on the door. The servant girl walked over to the door and opened it to reveal Hanabusa, "Lord Hanabusa, what are you doing here?"

"I am here to check on her. You may leave now and I will call you if needed," Hanabusa replied. The servant nodded and she walked from the room after curtsying. Hanabusa closed the door behind him and walked further into the room, "Hikari, why did you run away from the Kuran manor?"

Hikari sat up and seemed to stare right through him, "I needed to be away from somewhere that caused me grief. I can't get close to Lord Kaname… the court is pressuring us to conceive another child. We have tried to get close to one another but one or the other pulls away and we don't go through with it."

Hanabusa sat on the bed and stared at her, "I can't begin to… to express my condolences. I'm so sorry that this has happened."

"I could barely talk to my own father," Hikari whispered, "My emotions are locked inside and I am unable to express them to my own husband or family." Fiddling with her hands, she screamed in frustration and in sadness qn. The glass in the window panes cracked under the force of her sadness and anger. The wood splintered in the wood furnishings and the vases in the room smashed.

Hanabusa engulfed her in his arms and Hikari sobbed bitterly, "You're safe, Hikari, I will contact Lord Kaname as soon as I can…" he caressed her soft hair and he could feel her quivering under his embrace. Hikari looked up at him and Hanabusa gave her a pained look. She could see the longing in his light blue eyes but chose to ignore it.

"Hanabusa, thank you for everything you have done," she whispered, "But I must sleep now. If you don't mind, please leave me alone."

Hanabusa suddenly looked hurt but diverted his gaze to the floor, "Fine," he said and he let go of her. Hikari lay back down and pulled the covers over as Hanabusa walked towards the door and walked out.

Tears ran down her cheeks and nothing seemed to console her.

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