Chapter 9

"Aren't the nineties wonderful?" The Doctor gestured around him, "everyone's six feet taller because of the shoes they're wearing!"

"Yes, and they've got a sixty-percent higher chance than usual of twisting an ankle," Clara pointed out.

"Your sums are inaccurate," the doctor told her, "it's only fifty percent higher."

"Shaz," Kim hissed, grabbing her and pulling her away from the dancing party,

"What? What's wrong?" Shaz frowned, spinning around and wondering why Kim was looking so grim.

"We've got s problem and we need your help," Kim told her nervously.

"Ohhh," Shaz groaned, "but I was trying to get to know the Doctor better –"

"Good, that's good, that's very good," Kim began quickly, "make sure that Marci and Jake stick with him and Clara too, OK?"

Shaz frowned.

"Erm, why?"

"Pub's turned its customers loose again," Kim said worriedly and Shaz didn't know what she was talking about.

"But the club doesn't close for… oh," her eyes widened as she spotted Eddie across the dance floor, "Oh my god! Don't let Marci see him!"

"That's the thing!" cried Kim, "I need you to distract her. Distract all four of them. Keep on dancing. We're going to round them up and take them back. Again," she shook her head. "Nelson should invest in an electronic tagging system or something for that lot."

"Will you be alright?" Shaz asked, concerned.

"We'll have to be," she said, "there's no sign of the Guv and we need to get this lot back to the pub faster than the canteen sold out of sprout sorbet!"

"Well, OK," Shaz looked concerned but knew they just had to do what they had to do, "good luck."

Thank you," Kim sighed, "and good luck –" she watched the Doctor trying on a pair of platforms, "and for heaven's sake don't let him twist his ankle!"

~xXx~

"Nelson, if you haven't got any eggs out there then we're in some serious danger." Sam tried to face facts. The Dalek had only one thing on its mind.

"I don't understand its strange whim!" Nelson protested, "I watched Doctor Who from behind the sofa when I was just a boy, same as everyone! I cowered under the covers when the Daleks came on the screen! They're evil machines, they don't ask for ingredients!"

"Well this one does!" Sam protested.

"Egg sympathisers must be exterminated!" the dalek told them.

"We're not sympathising with them!" Sam protested pathetically. He started to yearn for those happy, heady days of coma.

"Exterminate!" the Dalek added for good measure.

"Yeah, yeah," Sam was getting a little tired of that catchphrase.

"Exterminate! Eggs…. terminate… eggs… stir…" the Dalek's voice began to change suddenly, becoming lighter, less mechanical, "eggs… put eggs… into a bowl, stir, beat in half the flour…"

Sam and Nelson exchanged a look of utter bewilderment.

"I don't remember this making me hide behind the sofa," Sam commented.

"Beat… into flour mixture …making a smooth paste," the Dalek continued, "Mix well… mix well… stir… eggs, stir…"

"Alright," Sam finally risked getting to his feet and looking over the bar, "are you a Dalek or a floating galloping gourmet?"

The dalek turned to Sam and began to shake.

"Eggs!" it cried. Sparks started to fly and Sam dropped below the bar again.

"Shit!" he cried, clutching his chest as his heart began to race, "a tip for you, Nelson. Never challenge the culinary expertise of a dalek!"

~xXx~

Simon shook his head as he led Lindsay and Eddie out of the club. This was breaking his heart. So many familiar faces, people he'd already had to mourn, now once again time was broken and they'd been let back into a world they'd departed from. He missed them. He really did. He suspected that the pub had never thrown out its regulars until things had become somewhat unpredictable of late. Now this was the third time. Simon could only hope that Nelson hadn't decided to partake in another sightseeing tour.

"Guys, it's been great to see you," he told them as he rubbed his arms, the spring evening air just starting to develop a chilly edge, "but we need to get you back."

He turned around in time to see Robin enticing Susannah and Malcolm out of the club with the promise of getting a kebab on the way back to the pub.

"Is that everyone?" he asked, watching Kim shoving an annoyed Ray towards the crowd of waifs and strays they'd managed to round up. Between them they'd managed to find just about all of the wandering souls, despite attempting to accost the wrong Shaz temporarily. A quick headcount later, the wanderers were on their way.

"I feel like we're on a bloody school trip," Kim commented as she walked along at the front of the crowd.

"Erm, Kim," Simon raised his hand and Kim turned around with a look of annoyance on her face.

"Do not say you need to go to the toilet," she warned him and he took a step back nervously.

"Erm no, that's not it," Simon began although he could have done with visiting the loo before they'd left the club, "Where exactly are we going?"

Kim frowned.

"To the pub," she said.

"Yeah," Simon began slowly, "and where is that exactly?"

"Well, it's…" Kim froze. She swallowed and frowned. "Um…"

"Yeah, where is it?" Robin added.

"Don't hassle me!" Kim hissed.

"Gene makes it appear," Simon pointed out.

"Yes, I know that," Kim hissed.

"What, are you saying we've got no boozer to go to?" Ray frowned, gagging for a pint.

"Just... give me a minute," Kim hissed, "we'll think of something."

"I like this 'we' business," Simon snorted, "I've got no bloody idea."

"There was no sign of Gene when I tried to get hold of him," Robin reminded them.

"Right, so we'll find a way to deal with this ourselves," Kim told them.

"What are you going to do; down a bottle of scotch, drop your voice by three octaves and start throwing people against filing cabinets to convince the pub you're Gene?" Simon suggested and received only a violent gesture in return. "You're doing a pretty good job of convincing me," he mumbled.

"Maybe you could convince the pub you're the Guv," Robin considered.

"Oh! Oh!" Simon hopped around as thought he'd just won the lottery, "there was this episode of Red Dwarf where –"

"Finish that sentence and die!" Kim threatened and Simon gulped.

"You're convincing me more and more that you're Gene right now," he mumbled.

"Kim," Robin caught her attention and looked at her seriously, "maybe it's not that farfetched."

Kim looked at him, confused.

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly.

"In the absence of Gene you're probably the closest thing there is," he explained, "you've got his car, you've got his flask –"

"We're not even going to mention what you did with his fiancée," Simon mumbled.

"Can the infidelity police please stand down?" Kim snapped, "this is just getting interesting!" she turned back to Robin and said nervously, "sometimes… the station… does act like it thinks I'm him. The doors open and –"

"They opened for the git with the bow tie too," Simon pointed out.

"He's a bloody time lord!" cried Kim "I think opening for him is the least the doors can do!"

"This from the woman that was about to exterminate him," Simon pointed out.

"I am not," Kim hissed, "a bloody Dalek!"

"But you are something," Robin pointed out, "come on Kim, the pub is Gene's place. I'm uniform and Simon is –"

"Chopped liver," Simon mumbled.

"Already taken," Robin corrected, "He has a place remember? Bask. You've not got a place yet, and in the absence of both Gene and Alex you're the best chance of finding the Railway Arms."

Kim hesitated, staring at Robin. He made a lot of sense, he really did.

"Alright," she said in a slow, steady voice, "I think I understand." She took a deep breath, "maybe it's like lucid dreaming. Maybe I can make it appear?" she shook her head, "nah, second thoughts, lucid dreaming never worked for me. I'd try to wish up Agent Scully and get Skinner instead." She paused. "And I don't suppose any of you remember where you came from?" she addressed the crowd.

"You don't need the birds and the bees, talk do you?" Chris piped up., "only sometimes I'm a bit cloudy on that myself…"

"Never mind," Kim sighed. She looked at Robin. "Alright. What does Gene do?" she could see Robin working on a smart answer to that. "Don't bother," she said quickly, "OK, so he turns the corner and it's just there. Right?" Simon and Robin nodded hesitantly.

"Right," Simon agreed.

Kim took a deep breath.

"So," she said firmly, "We turn the corner. Right?"

Simon looked a little incredulous.

"Just like that?"

"And we believe it's there," Kim said sternly, "otherwise there's no chance of this working. OK?"

Simon and Robin nodded in unison.

"OK," they agreed.

Kim took a deep breath.

"Round the corner then," she began, "on the count of three. One, two…" closing her eyes, she raised a foot, "three!"

The unruly group stepped towards the turning.

Heaven from a brewery awaited them.