Forever and Always

The dull buzz of the lift moving up the floors, sums up my mood completely. It's a Monday morning, a college day and another boring day of my mundane life. As I reach my desired floor, the lift pings bringing me out of my day dream. I pull my swipe card out of my back pocket, and wave it in front of the sensor. Gaining me entry into the animal science hallway, and a view of my classmates. I drag my feet down the corridor, and sit down on the floor. They really should get chairs down here, the floor makes your ass go numb. I pull out my IPod and stick my headphones in, the latest gossip bores me. I find the song I'm looking for and put the volume up full. I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall. How should I do it? How should I end my pathetic existence. I could jump of the top of college, earn everyone a day off. I smile at my humour, using my death to gain my classmates a day off. I open my eyes and scan my classmates faces. I had recently change back to animal care from public services. I was rejected from the forces, because of a back injury. So I still needed to remain in college to stay living with my parents. This was my second year on this course, I was one of very few continuing from last year. As I continued scanning down the line, my eyes stop on a pair of brown ones. She averts her eyes straight away, back down to her phone. I have no idea what her name is, but she's really stunning. Why haven't I noticed her before? Her hair falls perfectly around her face, her eyes are the same colour as milk chocolate. She's around 5'4, petite and a simple dress sense. She's fucking hot if you ask me. Before I can get caught starring our teacher comes rushing down the hallway.

The day continues without event, or anything exciting. I spend most of my lessons with my head against the table, trying to fall asleep. I just want to go home, and sit on my computer like I do most nights. Alone, talking to my friends online. Though I know once I am doing that, I'll be bored out of my skull. My life is exactly that, boring.

We are in our last lesson now, the only upside to Mondays. Our teacher is actually very funny, so the time goes faster. Just because I can't help myself I keep glances at the girl who's name I still don't know. My kind of friend is sat next to me, so I ask her.

"Hey, who's the girl with the grey hoodie on?" I whisper under my breath.

"That's Bella, she is super quiet. Doesn't talk to anyone, super shy." Alice whispers back

I take another look, she looks so sad. Maybe she is having a bad day, she must get lonely. Not talking to anyone, and sitting by herself. I suddenly feel really horrible for not noticing her sooner and maybe talking to her. But again, before I can think more into it. The lesson ends and everyone files out, and heads home.

Once home I turn on my computer and go to make coffee. I sit back down at my desk and open up all the usual tabs. I open up Facebook and scan down my feed. The usual shit is on here, song lyrics, girls complaining, and people talking about their kids. Out of curiosity I scan some of my class mates friends lists. Until I find the person I am looking for. Bella's page, I quickly click add. She accepts not long after, so I go on her page and look around. There is hardly anything on here, but I do notice something. Her banner is a picture of her and a guy. So she isn't single then? No surprise there, she is super cute. Maybe that is why she looked sad today. Boyfriend troubles, always the same drama for teenage girls. I come off her page and go onto Tumblr. I sit there for hours, scrolling, reclogging and liking pictures. Soon my friend Jasper comes online and we start talking. Jasper is my best friend, we can talk and piss about for hours. Soon it's 1am and I realise I have a paper due tomorrow. So once Jasper goes to bed, I try and writing my long ass essay. It 4am before I finish and I have to be up in two hours. I decide not to sleep but to make more coffee instead. Tomorrow is our short day, so I can sleep when I get home. The problem for me is free time, I sit and think too much. I sit and dwell on my past, present and future. How fucked up I am and how fucked up my life is. Before I realise it, I have seven burn marks on my shoulder. I hide the marks where no one will ever see them. I don't do that shit for attention. I wouldn't tell anyone about myself harming habits. That shit is far too personal for anyone to ever know. People these days would use stuff like that against me. They would point, call names and never understand. I know I am what they would call me, I don't need reminding.

I lay my clothes out for the day ahead, and pack my bag. Then I go and jump in the shower, placing my phone on the dock to fill the silence. The shower wakes me up a little, so atleast I wont look as dead as I feel. I wrap my towel round my waist and head back into my bedroom. I put on my usual atire, jeans, plain T-shirt, converse and my favourite jackdaniels jumper. I head downstairs, taking a huge gulp of milk earning an eye roll from my mum. I gather my bag, shove my phone in my pocket and grab my car keys. As I head out the door I am beyond tired, but I will just dose off in class. As I walk down the corridor the laughing erupts and I automatically still. Are they laughing at me? I look at the group of girls, trading a phone back and forth. I relax, they aren't laughing at me. I continue walking, and my eyes zero in on Bella. She is sitting with her knee's pulled up to her chest. Her head is resting on her knees and her eyes are closed. As she opens her eyes, she catches me looking at her. I avert my gaze immediately, and get my phone out instead. Same as every other day, I sit down on the hard floor. I get my headphones out, nod at Alice and get lost in my music.

The next thing I know is someone tapping my shoulder. I open my eyes and see Jessica and Lauren staring at me.

"Um Edward? Your music is really loud, would you mind turning it down?" Jessica says in her horribly navel voice.

"Sure, sorry" I pull my IPod out and turn it down, Looking at them for approval. Not that I give a shit in all honesty, I Just want them to get back to their bitchy conversation. Though much to my objections she carries on talking to me.

"So what you listening too?" She says while twirling her hair round her finger. I may be sick.

"I thought you said you could hear it?" I say in a sarcastic tone.

She starts laughing, placing her hand on my shoulder. I wince and jerk away from her touch. She stops laughing looking slightly embarrassed. Her face turns cold at once, and I know what's coming.

"I just wanted to know the name, so I never waste my time downloading it" She spits at me, then goes back to talking to her friends.

I shrug and go back to my music, turning it up to piss them off. I open my eyes, and this time Bella is staring at me. She has a smirk on her face, but looks away as soon as I catch her. It's time for class, so we all grab our bags and head inside. I can't help but smile, while I walk though. Why was she smiling at me? And why does that make me happy? I shake my head trying to dislodge the thoughts. I can't allow people to get close to me. People hurt you and leave you, only looking out for themselves. Yes I know, I have trust issues. But when you have treated and fucked around as much as I have. You would know my reasons why, I don't need anymore part time people.

The boring day continues and I feel like banging my head against the wall. Three lessons down, one to go. I never realised but I sit next to Bella in a lot of my classes. As the teacher hands out the work sheets for a test. Bella reaches forward to get the sheets and hand them to me. While she is reaching forward, her sleeve roles up and I see cuts. Cuts all along her wrist, continuing up her arm to where I can no longer see. I'm shocked, why would she self harm? Does she have a fucked up life too? I stare at her shocked as she pushes the papers my way. I take one and slide them down the line in a daze. What secrets did she have hidden away? Is she like me? Deep down so unhappy, she had to hurt herself to make the emotional pain go away? That's it, I decided I had to do something. When I get home I'll message her and try and help her...But what good can it do? You're not going to make all her problems go away. All your message will do is make you look like you're nosing your way into her business. Yea, but what if that message makes her feel less alone? I feel alone constantly, it would nice to have someone to relate too. But people hurt me...people lie and take what they need. Then they drop you like you're nothing, and walk away to their happy ending. But what if she was on the verge of killing herself? And your messaged stopped her? Surely even if she told you to fuck off...it's worth the risk of saving a life rite?

As the inner thoughts raged on, the lecture continued. I couldn't tell you what it was about, I wasn't listening. I was pretty sure I was going to fail college. I didn't care anymore. In the beginning, sure I wanted a career, a life, a girlfriend and all the shit people want these days. Now I just wanted an escape, escape from the misery that consumed me everyday...

The lesson ended and as everyone filed out to go home. I start to think what I would say to her, I dont come up with much.

The next thing I know I'm at my computer desk with a message window open. I couldn't tell you how I got home, or how long I've been staring at my screen for. All I know is everything was screaming at me to not message her. She will hurt you! Why would she talk to you? Freak.

I kick my thoughts aside, screw it. What's another little nudge to get my motivation up to kill myself rite? I start typing...

Hey um,

This is going to seem really strange and I don't mean to come across a total stalker... Just, I feel really bad that you sit alone a lot at college. If that is by choice that's totally fine, but if it isn't... I just feel really bad? If you don't sit alone by choice, is there anything I could do to make you feel more included? I think this is totally crazy to type to you. Just if there was anything I could do, to help I would. If not? Tell me to fuck off.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Edward.

I sit back and let out the breath I've been holding. I sit there, hoping I've made the right choice. I sit and wait for her response...