Dean stood at the door with his body shook with nerves. He couldn't believe how fast the week had gone. It was Tuesday when he had rung his Dad to organise him to fly out and he had paid for everything and sent the details through to John on Wednesday. When it was all organised, he rang Sam who, as predicted, blew his nut and told Dean that their father didn't deserve a second chance and once again reiterated that he was not going to forgive him and the only reason he agreed to this was to support Dean. Dean had sighed through the phone and cursed his brother's stubbornness but told him that he was not going to force Sam to do anything he just thought it was best that Sam heard John's side of the story as well.
But now, it was Saturday and the brothers were due to meet their father in half an hour at the restaurant in the hotel that Dean had put him up in. Dean was nervous to say the least. He hadn't been able to sleep all night tossing and turning unable to close his eyes for even a moment without repositioning himself. Cas had grown fed up with Dean's restlessness and had done his best to soothe him but it wasn't enough and ended up kicking Dean out of their bed to sleep on the couch so at least one of them could get a good night's sleep. Dean did feel marginally guilty for keeping Cas awake after such a long week sorting out the new store location, dealing with the bank, and of course tending to their new housemate.
Dean had embraced the new addition to their apartment wearily after going so long avoiding the animal like the plague, it was a sudden change to be now having one for a pet. The hesitation soon fell through as Dean realised that the medication he had been given did indeed work and started to play with the little guy. He would never say it out loud but the little kitten had definitely grown on him. He had been weary of how they would cope with having an animal with them and if the thing would like him or not but the feline took to his new dads straight away as if he had never known anyone else. Dean knows it's way too early to tell but the little guy favours him more than Cas even if Cas refuses to admit it, he knows it's true.
With the exciting first week under his belt though, it's back to reality for Dean with the prospect of meeting his father. He raises his fist to the door and knocks three times in quick succession. The door was opened soon after to reveal a smiling Jess.
"Hey Jess" Dean greeted and returned Jess' smile even if his nerves were running wild "Is Sammy ready or is he too busy styling his hair?"
"Ha, ha" Sam's voice boomed from behind the small woman in front of him "Very funny" he sighed "Come on, let's get this over and done with" Dean watched the exchange between his brother and his girlfriend with a small smile across his face. He was happy that Sammy was happy. There was nothing more important that Sam being happy. Even if Sam had pissed him off beyond repair, Dean would never jeopardise Sam's happiness. If it meant that Dean had to be miserable for the rest of his life, Dean would do it as long as Sam was happy. Dean didn't quite catch what Jess said to Sam but guessed it was something along the lines of "keep an open mind" which just caused Sam to roll his eyes but nod in agreement anyway.
"Let's go, Sammy. Time to get the show on the road" Dean announced as he wanted to urge his brother along so they could get this over and done with. Cas had told him all week to psych himself up for it and prepare so that when the time came, he wouldn't be so nervous. He had listened to Cas and had tried his damndest to prepare but all that flew out the window that morning when he realised today was the day.
The car ride was tense. They didn't speak much other than to talk about little things that had happened in the lives such as Dean telling Sam all about their new kitten and Sam telling Dean about Jess' new job which she had started just the day previous. She had been offered a new job when they were on their final week of their tour and had left everyone but Sam in the dark about it. She had been planning to leave her current job for one that aloud her some time away without the demand for her to be in the office all the time. The new position allowed her to work from home and only have to head into the office once every two weeks. It means that if they were to head on another tour, she would have the lenience to have a bit more time with Sam on the road. Dean secretly believes there's more to it than that but isn't going to assume anything until Sam tells him otherwise.
All too soon, the car ride is over and Dean is stood on the footpath outside the hotel with Sam by his side. Dean sucked in a deep breath, puffed his chest out and as he exhaled he grunted "Let's do this" and strode toward the front entrance. As he reached the door, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He wanted a distraction so Dean removed the device from his jeans and smiled as he saw Cas' name on the screen.
Cas: Good luck Dean. We'll be waiting for you when you get home xx
Attached was picture of Cas and their kitten. Cas was sitting down on the couch looking at the camera with a huge grin on his face as the small feline sat on his shoulder tucked into his neck with his head looking towards the camera as well. Dean couldn't stop the grin that formed across his face even if he wanted to. They were adorable. He did wonder however how Cas got the cat to look at the camera. He guessed the device's shutter sound may have caught his attention. Little things like that always made the animal stop what he was doing and investigate. Without replying, Dean closed the picture and tucked his phone back in his pocket. Cas' message definitely calmed him down somewhat but there was no way he was going to be able to get through this if Sam hadn't come along.
When they reached the restaurant, they told the waitress they were looking for John Winchester and were ushered to the table. Dean followed directly behind her with Sam at his back. Dean's stomach was doing backflips and he found it extremely difficult to stay in step and not fall back. He knew if he slowed down, Sam would plough straight into his back and he did not want that to happen. As the waitress slowed, Dean let out a long exhale and looked towards the table that she gestured to and saw his Dad seated there. John looked up as they approached and stood to his feet. He held out his hand for Dean to shake which Dean quickly took hold of and relished in the contact with his father even if it was a brief moment. If John's face was anything to go by, Dean wasn't the only one that enjoyed the contact. When their hands broke apart, John moved across to hold his hand out for Sam while Dean took a seat. There was a brief moment when Dean was sure Sam was just going to move past and sit down but Sam eventually shook his father's hand if somewhat reluctantly and took a seat next to Dean.
They were all seated when the waitress spoke again asking if she could get them anything to drink while they looked over the menus. Dean was about to ask for a whiskey but internally winced at the thought as his father was a recovering alcoholic. He opted instead for a coke covering up the notion with the comment that he was driving. Sam told the waitress he was fine with water and John said the same. The table fell into an uneasy silence as the waitress left. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Dean chanced a glance over at Sam only to find him glaring down at the menu.
Dean cleared his throat which gained the attention of his father "So what's good here?" he asked
"I had the beef last night it was pretty good but I hear their chicken is quite nice too so I might have that instead" John replied. It was awkward and everyone at the table knew it but no one was willing to take the first step and address the gigantic elephant in the room.
Instead, Dean made small talk with John asking him how his flight was from South Dakota and if he had caught up with Ellen and Bobby recently which he had and filled in the two boys with what they were up to and how they were going. Sam on the other hand stayed quiet the entire time they were at the table. John noticed, obviously, and Dean felt awkward as hell that John was trying to be the bigger man and keep silent when it so plainly pained the man to have his sons so close yet so far away.
They made small talk all the way though their meals but once they had finished and had apparently run out of small talk, Sam finally spoke but after what he had to say Dean really wished he hadn't.
"I'm really sorry, Dean" Sam began as he looked at Dean with sincerity in his voice before he turned to John "But I'm not here to play happy families with you, John" Dean watched as John recoiled at the use of his name coming from his own son's mouth "I am only here because Dean didn't, no couldn't, do this alone. I meant what I said when you first came back. I'm here for moral support for Dean and only Dean. So if you wouldn't mind, would you care to explain where the fuck you've been for the past seventeen years so we can get out of here?"
Dean sat mouth agape at Sam's rant. They had been beat around the bush for a while now but to have it put so blunt, it left Dean lost for words. Dean twisted his head to look at his father to see the reaction and surprisingly, the man nodded.
"I understand, Sam. I do. It's just" His father paused as he tried to find the words to speak "It is hard for me to start. I have no idea where to begin"
"How 'bout you start with the fire?" Sam asked his voice went low and sincere as he spoke to John which surprised Dean. Sam said he didn't care for the man yet he still spoke of the event that changed their lives with delicacy knowing how much it had hurt the man. Dean knew as well the effect it had had. His life had taken the course it had because of it. He was glad Sam took care when he said it because if he had said it angrily, he didn't know if he'd be able to hold back from hitting Sam.
John swallowed hard before he nodded slightly. He fiddled with the napkin that was sitting on the table his eyes downcast looking at where his hands moved.
"Yeah, I guess I could" John said after a moment. "She was my everything, you know?" John spoke quietly barely audible over the busy lunch hour "And God," he paused and smiled slightly as he remembered "She was so beautiful" his eyes started to well up at that and Dean found his own eyes lidded with tears which he quickly wiped away. "You know, her parents hated me when we first met. They didn't think I was good enough for her and to be honest I wasn't. She was just…" he trailed off shook his head and moved his hand to wipe the stray tears that had fallen "She was too perfect for me"
Dean and Sam were both silent as they watched their father break down. It took everything inside Dean to hold himself back and not just tell John that it's okay, they don't need to do this, but Dean knew that wasn't true. If there was going to be any kind of relationship between them, they needed to have this conversation, they needed to dig down and lay themselves out completely and leave their emotions bare. It was going to hurt like hell but it had to be done.
"But then the fire happened. I knew I should've had the wiring checked when we moved in but the realtor had told me it had been done and I foolishly believed them. It's my fault. My entire fault that she's gone and I've hated myself every day since it happened." He looked up at his boys then. John looked each of his boys in the eye in turn and Dean could see the hurt and the truth in his eyes. The man before him was desperate and lonely. He needed his sons in his life and the regret and self-hatred was eating him alive. "I couldn't bear to live in that house anymore; not after what had happened. I swore I would never go back there and I haven't. It's why I dragged you boys out of there but once we were gone, I had nowhere to go; nowhere to stay.
"I started picking up loose jobs just here and there trying to get money together so we could get by. I distracted myself to looking after you boys and getting what you needed. I used the savings we had saved up for most of life together to get us by. It wasn't until Dean hit seven that I couldn't take it any longer. I cracked and the only option for me was to turn to the drink. I know I shouldn't have done it that I should have stayed sober for you boys but I just…" he paused again and wiped more tears from his face. Dean took the opportunity to look over at his brother and saw that he too had tears running down his cheeks. Dean didn't know if that was due to the fact that he never had the chance to meet his mother or the fact that he only just realised that his father had lost the love of his life and now was sympathetic to that fact now that he had Jess.
"I needed a break. I needed to get away from it all and the drink was there and it was an easy solution but of course, it wasn't the right one and I'm so, so sorry for what I put you through. Especially you Dean" His father turned to look Dean straight in the eye as he spoke "I put you through so much and I've probably fucked you up so bad and I'm truly am sorry for that. I forced you to grow up so fast and you didn't deserve that. You deserved to be a kid and worry about stupid things like getting picked first in gym class not wondering if you and Sam would get a meal that night."
Dean's hands shook as he listened to his Dad. He really couldn't believe what his father was saying and it took everything in Dean to not just break down in the middle of the restaurant. He stayed silent though and listened as his father continued. This time he turned to Sam as he spoke.
"I know you aren't going to forgive me, Sam. It obvious how much you care for your brother and I put him through hell and I know you probably don't remember much of what it was truly like but it doesn't change the fact that it happened and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am, to both of you, that you never had a childhood with me. That it took so long for me to get my shit together and find you but I was scared shitless about how you would react and I knew, I just knew, somehow that you would be like that Sam. You probably don't want to hear it, but you're just like me because that is exactly how I would have reacted. Hot headed and letting the person know exactly how I felt without holding back. And I don't blame you one little bit for that.
"I just hope, that one day, not now, but one day, you will see passed it and let me be a part of your life. Because I know I wasn't there at the start but I want to be there now." John turned from where he was locked eyes with Sam to turn to Dean. "For both of you" he continued. He switched his eye level between both his sons "But only if you'll let me"
Dean was stunned. He really didn't know what to say. He turned to Sam who looked exactly how Dean felt. Dumbfounded, Sam turned to Dean and they exchanged a look that said it all. Sam was still dead set on his belief that John didn't deserve to be forgiven but that look that he was holding right at that moment said that there was hope in the future. It may be a long way off but it was definitely there.
Dean was glad that they had finished their meals in the awkward tension because there was no way they were going to both stay there after they had heard all of that. It was a lot to take in and he just didn't know what to do with it all. He decided to voice as much.
"Uh…" he began as he searched for the words to speak "We're going to need some time yeah? To think it all over? It's just… It's a lot to take in all at once" before Dean could continue blabbing, John interrupted
"I understand, Dean. I know it's not an instant thing and I'm willing to wait as long as you boys need. Just thank you for hearing me out" he said with a small smile to both his boys.
Sam and Dean both stood then. Their father reacted as well and stood to his feet. Dean didn't think twice as he stepped round the table and embraced his father. He knew he still had a lot to think over but he just needed to let his Dad know that he appreciated the fact that he had opened up. As the two men embraced, John whispered a small 'thank you' to Dean which Dean responded to by giving the man's back a small pat.
Once he was done, Dean stepped back from his father who looked to Sam. There was no expectancy for Sam to do as Dean had but Sam stepped forward anyway and embraced his father. It wasn't nearly as intimate as what Dean had shared with him but it was enough for Dean to see that Sam was trying. Dean smiled at his father and brother's quick embrace before they both said their goodbyes with Dean telling John that he would ring when they were ready.
Again, the car ride was quiet but this time it wasn't out of nerves and the atmosphere wasn't tense, it was calm and thoughtful as both the men contemplated their future with their father. Dean was under no illusions, it was going to be a long road before they were going to be friends but it was one Dean was willing to take.
-
Castiel spent the day in constant worry as to how the meet was going. He was worried how Dean was reacting to it all. Dean had been so nervous he hadn't got a wink of sleep the night before and even with Castiel's best efforts, which included a mind blowing blowjob, Dean still couldn't get any sleep. As a result, Castiel didn't sleep either and regrettably kicked Dean out of the bed so at least he could get some sleep. He felt rather guilty that Dean was under so much stress that he couldn't sleep and all he did was just kick him out of bed so he could selfishly get some shut-eye. But Dean knew that Castiel loved him and there was no denying it.
When their kitten, which Castiel had named Squeak simply because at the moment, that's all he did, had crawled onto his shoulder while they were playing, he quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a photo. He took a look at the image and smiled before he sent it to Dean with a quick message of good luck. He didn't expect a reply and wasn't surprised when he didn't get one. He just hoped it had done its job and calmed Dean's nerves a little.
It was stressful for Castiel not knowing how it was all going. He suspected that Jess was more than likely in the same state but thought better than to call her because if she wasn't, then Castiel would look like an idiot. So instead, Castiel made himself busy by doing housework. He cleaned every room in the house and emptied all the rubbish bins in their apartment and took them to the trash chute.
After a good couple of hours of cleaning, Dean still wasn't home and Castiel was bored. He played with Squeak for a bit but he soon tired out and fell asleep on his play tower which Castiel had purchased. To occupy himself, Castiel sat down and read a book only to find he had to read the same page multiple times simply because he couldn't keep his mind off Dean. Instead, Castiel found that television managed to distract him enough that he didn't think solely of Dean but it was mindless enough that if his thoughts did stray, then he didn't miss anything important.
Finally, after what felt like days when really it had only been three hours, Dean showed up at their apartment a complete mess but it wasn't a bad mess. Castiel could tell by the look in his eyes that the conversation had been successful and Dean was just reacting to all the emotions that were rushing through him. Castiel was quick to react. He turned the television off before he made his way over to his lover and shed Dean's jacket from his shoulders and hung it on the coat rack. When the jacket was dealt with he grabbed Dean's wrist and dragged him to the sofa where he lay him face down in the comfy cushions.
Castiel slid onto the back of Dean's thighs with his knees either side of Dean's hips and slowly began to massage the man's back. They didn't need to speak. Dean would speak when he was ready and Castiel would be there for him. For now, Dean needed to know Castiel was there and Castiel was more than happy to oblige with his careful touches to his lover's shoulders and back. If the small groans of relief were anything to go by, Castiel was doing a great job.
"I love you, Sweetheart" Dean whispered into the quiet room. Whenever Dean called him that, Castiel's heart never failed to flutter. He just loved the pet name Dean had given him and had never found one that slipped off his tongue nice enough to return the gesture. One day he would find one and he would never cease to use it but for now, his name would suffice.
"I love you too, Dean" Castiel replied his fingers still delicately working the knots from Dean's shoulders wishing that his fingers could heal so much more but for now, it was enough.