CHAPTER 20

POV- Jesse

I want so badly to just stay mad at Beca. To go in that booth and gloat… but after witnessing that whole scene unfold at the Semi-Finals between her, Mrs. Nelson, and Chloe, I'm not sure HOW I feel. I should be happy to see her so miserable. Moping around the station… her phone being uncharacteristically idle… most of her mixes being sad love songs by Bruno Mars or something like that…

But, I can't. Especially when I look into the booth and see her shed one silent tear during her mix of Just the Way You Are and Just A Dream.

That's when I decide it's time for me to swallow my pride and be there for her. Not because I feel sorry for her or because I feel guilty for secretly wanting her to have a fight with Chloe…( okay, maybe a little…it's partly because of that). But it's more because It hurts me to see her pushing away people that love her. And as much as I hate to admit it…

Chloe DOES love her. Perhaps more than I did.

After seeing her risk their friendship/relationship (whatever the hell they were) just to help Beca fill that void in her heart with her mother… I see that Chloe isn't just some horny girl with a crush on the girl that I thought I loved. She is a friend that genuinely loves Beca and is willing to be put her needs aside so Beca can be happy. And by needs, I mean her more than friendly love for Beca.

I think back to Beca's harsh tone as we loaded our bus beside theirs. The Bellas' windows might as well have been down.

"You can push me away all you want, Beca. But she's your MOTHER… you actually need to have a relationship with her."

"No, I don't. "

"Beca, you're making it really hard for me to be here for you…"

"Then DON'T! I didn't ask you to…"

I finish stacking the CDs on the cart and wait for Beca to go to commercial break before entering the booth. The moment I see her face I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.

The mix between relief that I'm actually acknowledging her and fear of what will actually come of this encounter… then there's the smudged eyeliner and the puffiness around her eyes… the pinkness in the tip of her nose…

God, she's so broken right now…

I take a seat in the extra chair beside her. She slides her headphones off so that they're dangling around her neck. With a sympathetic smile, I take her hands. Scooting my chair as close as possible so that our knees touch.

And that's when she begins to sob. Somewhere in there, if I'm not mistaking, I'm pretty positive I hear a "I'm so sorry," and a "Thank you for being here for me".

"It's nothing really… we were friends before all this." I begin to rub small circles into her palm with my thumb. Hoping to calm her. It does the trick… (somewhat.) "Now, tell me what happened?"

She takes a breath and starts again. Already, she's speaking more coherently. "I really fucked up Jesse. I fucked up, BIG TIME…"

"How so?" I ask, curiously.

"I told Chloe to leave me alone. But, I don't want that. I don't want that all…"

She's gonna say it. This is it. I can feel it.

"Oh, hold on a sec," she sniffles and turns to the computer to start another mix to buy us some time. She turns back to me and places her hands back in mine. "I'm so used to spending all my time with her… waking up next to her, cuddling, studying… you know? I really miss that."

"You love her, don't you?"

"What? " Beca tilts her head as if she's never considered it.

"Beca… you can't be this naïve. So, my next guess is that you're in denial. "

"But, like… how would I know? How do you KNOW if you love someone? I can't love her, though. I don't do love."

I roll my eyes. Obviously, I'm going to have to help her see what everyone else sees. "Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Chloe."

Beca takes a moment to think about what I've just asked her. After a while, the faintest smile appears on her face and she's gathered enough courage to think about things I believe she's never allowed herself to think about.

"Her smile… the way her eyes just kinda look right through me… how she always knows when I'm stressing over a test or something and she just shows up… or how she always knows when I need her to hold me… the way my chest kinda hurts when I think about her, but it's like a good feeling at the same time… "

I smile to myself. Knowing my suspicions have been confirmed.

"Wow… you do. You love her."

"I LOVE her?" She repeats to herself, as if trying it on for size. Then, a little more sure of herself, she smiles and says it again, "I love her."

Her smile drops as she remembers something, "But… how do I know she feels the same? I mean… even if she did, there's no way she does after the way I treated her…," She sits back in her chair, defeated.

"Are you serious, right now? Have you seen the way she looks at you? Why do you think it bothered me so much when you said you two were hanging out?"

"I don't know…,"

"Because of those toners,"

At this, Beca chuckles and pulls me into an awkward in-chair hug, where I have to keep from leaning into much, or I'm going to fall flat on my face.

"Thank you, Jesse," her voice muffled by my shoulder.

Yes… This hug may be awkward, but it's perfect. Because, for once, we're hugging each other and we're both on the same page.

A/N: Guys, feel free to review. Leave some suggestions/constructive criticisms, if you want. I've hit a bit of a rough patch between this point and I'm trying to figure out how to tie this in to the ending I've worked out.

Or,

In the words of Anna Kendrick: "Is this okay? Please validate me."