Travels through the Alphabet with Mai
Part 4: Daughters
There was a line of them, going back through time, an endless cycle of daughters and mothers and mothers and daughters. Mai wondered what the beginning was, who the first mother was and what she was like. And Mai wondered how she would fit into this string of womanhood now that she had her own tiny, new baby girl.
Giving birth was messy and excruciating but like so many women had calmly informed Mai, that pain faded with surprising ease. She was left with joy and wonder at what she and Zuko had created together, a love so profound she was shaken to her very core, and fear.
"What if I ruin you?" The young wife of the Fire Lord peered down into the bassinet. "What if I do it all wrong?" She tucked ebony hair behind her ears and sighed. Tears stung her eyes. The baby slept, fists tight, little pink lips moving. Careful not to wake her, Mai stroked her cheek. Her skin was softer than the best sheets, the freshest flower petal, their cat's coat. The infant tensed for a moment, as though Mai's touch had invaded her dreams. Then she relaxed once more and Mai withdrew her hand.
She slipped out of the nursery, leaving the door ajar, before retiring to the rooms she shared with Zuko. The rooms were adjoining, only a door separating one from the other. But Mai found herself keeping her daughter with her at night. That way she could check on the baby with ease. She found herself attuned to every breath, every movement, every beat of the little heart.
Exhausted herself, she slid down onto the sofa and allowed herself the luxury of closing her eyes. The peace did not last long, however. A soft knock, quiet but somehow still insistent, forced Mai up and over to the door; her mother stood on the other side, smiling indulgently.
"You're tired, dear. I can see it in your eyes."
"Well, yeah, new baby; they're tiring."
Mai wanted to shut the door again or pin to the wall the guard who had let Akira by. Another part of her wanted to lean on the woman, ask for advice, listen to her stories about when Mai was an infant. She settled for moving aside so that the woman could enter before returning to her position on the sofa.
"She's sleeping? Of course she's sleeping; otherwise she'd be with you." Akira sat primly beside her daughter. "I can stay over for a few days if you want. I remember what it's like."
Though the offer seemed genuine enough, Mai couldn't help but wonder if her mother had some kind of ulterior motive. Their relationship had most always consisted of reproofs from one and sarcastic retorts from the other, silences and disappointment, slamming doors and hands thrown up in the air.
She didn't really want her mother underfoot, interfering either. But wasn't it time to put all that aside now? Wasn't it time to begin anew? There was a young, unique life to consider, untainted and pure as a human being could be. Was it fair to deprive her daughter of a grandmother? Was it fair to deprive Akira of the chance to make amends in her convoluted way?
I'm not blameless.
For years now, Mai head relegated her parents to the role of 'villains'. They'd made crucial errors, tried to make her fit, mold her into something she was not and would never be. That was difficult to forgive.
But not impossible; I'll make mistakes too and I would want Miyako to forgive me.
"Mai, did you hear me?" Akira reached out and put a hand on her daughter's arm. She left it there for a moment, giving her daughter a squeeze.
The small display of affection shocked Mai out of her reverie. "Yeah, yeah I heard. You could come every day for a few days, you know, take over once in awhile. Zuko helps a lot, but he's…"
"He's got responsibilities that won't wait. "
"Mmmm, but he does his best. He wants to be a good father. He is a good father. When I watch them together, it's…" No word could accurately describe what Mai felt when she observed Zuko with Miyako; it touched her like nothing else ever had.
"Let me help a bit. I wasn't …" The older woman sighed. "I wasn't the best mother to you. I can see that now, Mai. But you've grown into a lovely woman, strong and independent and smart. I am proud."
"Oh." It was all Mai could utter, but those three simple words shook her world, her perspective, shifting everything on its axis. She had wanted to hear them since as far back as she could recall. Her lower lip trembled a bit and she wanted to cry. "Let's go see the baby."
She stood up and waited for Akira, leading her into the nursery, standing back while her mother cooed and crooned and smiled at the infant. Mai could hear the love in the woman's voice, the determination to do right. That was enough.