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Day 15

Yup, it's been five days since I wrote. I know, I know. This is supposed to be daily reflection and blah blah blah, but I've been busy writing letters to people. And…reading the one letter that I got. I got a letter from Amanda. I told her to be honest, and she did. I knew it was going to be hard, my therapist said it would be hard, but damn. It's time like this when I say, why did I ever let myself get so out of hand? And then my therapist says "It wasn't you. It was the addiction." But I feel like no one is going to accept that. Or understand it. I really feel like I should have been more aware.

Do you know what it's like to know that you have completely singlehandedly become the worst douchbag asshole on the face of the planet? Wait…I've never physically killed anybody or molested a child or anything like that. But I have forced a woman to have sex…and she was my own my wife. And from the sounds of it, I emotionally wounded our son.

I am working on my reply letter to Amanda. Everytime I start to write, I crumple it up and throw it away. I don't know what to say. But I know that if I wait too long, she'll think that I couldn't handle it and I ran away again.

What do I do? Write her back and say sorry for the 100th time? Beg her for her forgiveness? She told me that my dog passed away. Goldie died and probably wondered where the hell I was. Is there anything that I haven't fucked up?

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning ways to stay sober, keep my stress down and keep my anger in check. I really hope this works. I want to straighten my life out. I want to get back on track. I want to build a relationship with Brandon. I want to learn how to be there for him.

God I still love Amanda. I wonder if she's moved on? She's probably moved on with her life. But I would really like to at least be friends again.

I've been clean and sober for 15 days now. They tell you that for the first 30 days you can't have tv or cell phone or any of that so you can detoxify your mind and body. Well, let me tell you, instead of detoxifying my mind, I think they're making it even more toxic. I've never been so fucking depressed. Actually I have, and that's what caused me to go on my bender. Yes, right now if I was able to, I would be pissed, depressed and lookin' for drugs. But, I'm here, and I'm sober. I will never get high again. And I like the sound of that. Now if I could just get through these days a little faster.

RKO

Randy put the journal back in the drawer and grabbed his notebook.

Amanda,

I got your letter. Thank you for being honest with me. And I know that you are holding a lot back, but as long as you're ok with it, then I am ok with it. I've read it and re-read it over and over again. Today I am 15 days sober. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's been a helluva long time since I could say those words.

Holy crap, I can't believe just how much Brandon has grown and changed! Is there any possible way you would consider sending me a new picture of him? I would love to see what he looks like now.

How are you doing? May I ask where you're living these days? Any chance I could get a picture of you too? I know, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd love to see you too.

Ok enough fluffy bs. I read your letter and yes it was a hellish trip down nightmare lane. I am so sorry for putting you and Brandon through that hell. I really hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me. When we hit our 30 day sober, we gain back our cell phone, email, internet, tv privileges back. Maybe you'll consider letting me call you? Maybe even let me talk to Brandon?

Will you tell me about your life and Brandon's life now? What does your typical week entail? Is there anything you want to know about me? Do you watch wrestling? Do you let Brandon watch?

Shit, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say. I suck at letter writing. I hope to hear back from you.

Here's my day: Wake up at 7:00am, breakfast at 7:30, group for drug abuse at 8:00, individual therapy at 9:30 Lunch at 11:00, Workout at 12:30pm. Free time until 3:00. Then group for anger management at 3:15 to 4:30pm. Dinner at 5:00pm. Free time until lights out which is at 10pm. Sometimes there's special sessions or activities or whatnot but that is a typical day.

I love you Amanda. Please tell Brandon that I love him too.

RKO

As the days passed Randy didn't get a return letter from Amanda. He got letters from his mom and dad and his siblings. He wrote in his journal about his worry about not getting a response back; He also wrote about worrying where his life would be after he got out of rehab.

Amanda sat down with a pen and a paper after getting Brandon to bed. She had purposely waited to write him back, but then wound up getting incredibly busy, so she wasn't able to take the time to write.

Randy,

This letter is super late because life has been crazy. Brandon got sick then I got sick and work has been stressful and ugh.

Anyways, it sounds like they keep you pretty busy. How do you like having to be so open and communicating so much? I know that wasn't one of your favorite things to do or be.

As far as where am I living now? I live in St. Louis. I wanted to move to Minnesota to be closer to mom and dad, but I didn't want to uproot Brandon more so than he already had been. Adjusting to the move was really hard on him, and if I was to change his therapists and teachers and school and friends I think he would have really regressed and I didn't want to risk it.

Am I seeing someone? No. Have I dated? A few times, but no one that did it for me.

What is a typical day like for Brandon and I? Let's see. I wake up at 5:30am and take my shower. Then I start to wake him up at 6:15, we leave at 7:00am and I take him to daycare. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays Brandon goes to preschool for the morning. Then I go to work. I work from 8:00 to 4:30pm and then I pick him up and we head home. Then I make dinner, clean up the house, we eat at the table. Then we practice some skills and I let him have computer time. We have bath time, snuggle time and bedtime. Now, if it's a night where I'm just exhausted, Brandon gets lots of computer time while we fend for ourselves.

Now I have a stupid question…you were saying that when you hit 30 days sober you get all of your privileges back, right? But, you're in rehab…how would you NOT make 30 days sober? Don't get me wrong, I know I haven't said this yet, but in the week that it's been since I first wrote you I've done a lot of thinking. Yes I am proud of you. Whether or not you're in rehab because of your choosing, the point is that you're in there and you're taking it seriously. And if you are ready to be sober and stay sober then your chances of maintaining sobriety rise dramatically.

Let's see, what else did you ask me? Would I consider letting you talk on the phone to Brandon? Honestly, no. The only reason I say no, (read this before you threw a chair at a window) is because he doesn't grasp the concept of the telephone yet. I'm afraid that he would start looking around to see you in person and I don't want him confused.

I don't know how much research you've ever done about autism, but there's a difficult determination of real and not real. Example: Sarcasm does not work with a kid who has autism. I said to Brandon he had three minutes to get out of the tub, and if he didn't then I was going to kick him out of the bathroom and he looked at me with a nervous face and said, "Mommy, it's not nice to kick me. It'll hurt." So, at this time I have to say no phone conversations.

I've picked out a couple pictures to include with this letter. By the way, my parents are PISSED that I'm writing letters to you. They still haven't forgiven you. But then they didn't like you in the beginning, let alone in the middle and especially not now. Forgiveness…that was something else you asked me about. I don't think forgiveness is the right word. I have accepted what happened and moved on, but I can't say that I've forgiven you yet. I'm trying, and I'm working through it and maybe one day I'll be able to say it, but honestly…not yet.

Isn't it funny that now that we have the ability to text, we can't bring ourselves to sit down and write a letter? It's like we have lost the ability to think of more than 160 characters of something to say about ourselves.

Do I watch wrestling? Sometimes. I read and watch clips online more. Does Brandon watch wrestling, not usually. And if he does, it's not for very long. But, he still does recognize when you're on. I told you, the only picture I have in his room of you is the one from when he was a newborn and you were kissing him. I have others of the two of you of course, but that one has always been his favorite and after we split up, it was the one he clung to. So he knows you by sight.

Alright, I have to sign off, I'm starting to doze off and I have to be up early. I wish you well. And let's see, what questions do I have for you…Honestly, I don't know. Tell me anything you want.

Here's my phone number at the house and here's my cell phone number. Enjoy the pictures.

Amanda

Day 25

Well, I went into therapy today and was shocked by my therapist handing me an envelope. Amanda wrote me back. And she sent pictures of her and Brandon. Oh my God…Brandon has gotten so big and he's such a ham. He really does have my smirk. And Amanda looks great!

She gave me her phone number and cell number, so I think I'll hold off on writing a letter and just text her. I suddenly feel like a freakin' teenage girl writing that in here. What the hell has happened to me? Great, now I've turned into a pussy.

RKO

**Please read and review! How do you think she'll react to Randy's text? Was she right for not letting Randy talk to Brandon over the phone? **