**THANK YOU! Just a forwarning, this weekend is going to be a bit crazy. My 9yr old is wrestling in the State Wrestling Tournament tomorrow, so the updates will be a bit scattered and not as long till Monday. Thanks! Please read and review! **
DAY 26
WORST DAY EVER! Does that get my point across? I can't fucking take this shit. I need a fix SO bad. I'm feeling really anxious and I'm pacing. I'm sweaty and I'm PISSED off. The counselor told me write down everything I'm feeling because it'll "Take the edge off" FUCK THAT all it's doing is pissing me off even more. I'm tired of this touchy, feely, love yourself bullshit. My shoulders are killing me and so is my back. I don't need much, just enough to take the edge off. And I'm not talking about some Advil either.
I feel like such an asshole right now...but I also feel like this place is turning me into a giant pussy. I went into the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bag. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. This sucks. I've already fucked up so many things in my life, why am I still living? What the fuck is the point? If I was dead, I wouldn't feel this shitty. Then I couldn't disappoint anybody ever again.
I'm done writing. This is a stupid fucking assignment.
RKO
Randy thew his journal across the room. It hit the wall and fell to the floor. Randy stood up and ran his hand over his head. He stormed out of his room. He couldn't take being confined in this building for much longer.
One of the female counselors approached him,"Randy? Are you doing ok?"
"NO I'm not doing ok? What the fuck does it look like?" He growled at her.
She was taken aback, Randy hadn't been like this since his first week in rehab. "Randy, do you want to come into my office and talk?"
"NO. I want to get out of here."
"Randy, please. Let's go into my office." She said softly. She put her hand on his arm and guided him towards her office.
"Debbie, I'm not in the mood for this." Randy started to argue but Debbie sat him down and closed her door.
"Randy, why areyou here?"
"What?" He snapped angrily.
"Why are you here? What makes you want to be sober?" She asked again.
Randy rolled his eyes, "I answered all of these questions already. They're in my file."
Debbie just gave him a look. Randy cracked his neck and took a deep breath, "I'm here because I snapped and almost lost my job. I want to be sober for myself and my family."
"Those are really great reasons Randy. You don't quite realize just how out of control you are until you hit rock bottom, right?"
Randy nodded. He could feel himself calming down a little. "I know you're not my usual counselor. You don't know my story. But yes, I definitely hit rock bottom. I lost my wife and my son because I'm a selfish prick."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Look at how far you've come. You are 26 days into recovery. How does it feel to think about that?" Debbie asked. She could sense he was coming back to reality.
Randy couldn't help but smile, "It feels pretty damn good."
Debbie smiled, "Yes it does. I've been in your shoes Randy. I know, it sucks. And you went through hell for the first week. Then you've been doing ok, and now you're body hurts a bit and it triggered your cravings. BUT, in your line of work, you're always going to have pain. The important thing is knowing how to control your cravings. It could be three years from now, and you've been sober all three years, but suddenly you find yourself wanting a fix. How do you think you should handle this?"
Randy nodded, "Work out, sit in the hot tub, get a massage, talk to my family."
"Those are really good ideas. When was the last time you talked to your family?" Debbie asked.
"Which family? I talked to my mom and dad the day I checked in, and we've been writing back and forth. Becky and Nathan a few days prior, but I've been writing them too. My ex-wife and I have been writing letters, and I haven't spoken to my son since the night I walked out on them, and I didn't even tell him goodbye." Randy said getting a little teary. "Hell, I think I pushed him out of the way.I was so high that night."
Debbie nodded, "I'm sorry. Being addicted make us do some really stupid things, and hindsight can be a bitch. All we can do is keep moving forward and keep trying to rebuild those bridges we destroyed."
Randy nodded, "Yeah."
"So, do you think you're calming down a little bit? You seem like you're calming down."
Randy nodded, "Yeah, I don't feel like I'm going to rip the doors off anymore."
Debbie laughed, "Now I see why you're in anger management."
Randy finally laughed, "Yeah, I have a short fuse. It gets me into trouble." He stood up, "Look, I appreciate it, thanks Deb."
She gave him a hug, "Anytime. I'm glad I could help. Now do me a favor."
"What's that?"
"I want you to write in your journal about this. And I also want you to look and see if you wrote when you were craving and if you did, what did you write?" Debbie said as she walked him towards the door.
Randy nodded, "Great, more writing."
Debbie just smiled, "We'll see you in group tomorrow Randy."
"Alright, thanks Debbie." And Randy headed back to his room. He walked in and realized that he had pretty much destroyed his room. Not like the hotel, but he had pulled all of his clothes of the drawers, he knocked the lamp off the table, his alarm clock was on the floor, and his journal was in a heap across the room. "Jesus." He mumbled as he began to straighten up.
Finally he grabbed his journal and looked back to see if he did write anything down when he was pissed. He read what he wrote. Then he grabbed his pen,
Day 26...Again...
Ok, I'm calmed down now. Sorry about that. I don't know what the hell that was all about. I woke up a little stiff and sore, and just flipped my shit. I'm over it now. I really need to pay a bit more attention in anger management though. Especially when dealing with things that aggervate or frustrate me.
Debbie talked me down. I even wrote that I was better off dead. Shit...had I said that to Debbie I would have been locked up for 72 hours. What the hell was running through my brain? I know I was craving but damn.
I'm still crabby, but I think I'm just going to go to bed and try to sleep it off. We'll see how the night goes.
RKO
Amanda sighed as she finally sat down to relax. Today had been a rough day for Brandon. They had woken up late, which meant his schedule was thrown off and boy did it screw up his whole day. Brandon had multiple meltdowns over little things that didn't normally upset him or bother him much.
But, one thing she did do was go to the storage locker on her lunch hour and she took out a few boxes that had old pictures and scrapbooks in them. When Brandon was actually behaving, she began to go threw them and find a few more pictures of Randy with Brandon. That way he didn't only have the one from when he was first born. There were quite a few up until his autistic traits really began to shine through. Once Randy's addiction was well on its way of spiraling out of control, he didn't spend a whole lot of time with Brandon...let alone have many Kodak moments. And once the diagnosis came, he pretty much signed off on fatherhood.
She looked at the pictures and sighed. Once upon a time...
And the look on Brandon's face was absolutely priceless when he saw what she had. He looked at one, lifted it up and asked, "My daddy?"
Amanda smiled and nodded, "Yup, that's your daddy."
He held the picture close to him and studied it, "My daddy?" He asked it again. "Where's him?"
Amanda rolled her eyes, that was the worst question. She used to say he was working, but for a short time when she went to work, he seemed to have a breakdown and she figured out that he was connecting the two. Now she didn't know what to say. "Umm...he's...gone."
Brandon touched the picture and studied it closely. "Daddy gone? Bye daddy." And he laid it right back down where he had picked it up from. Brandon looked to Amanda and climbed in her lap. "Sowwy I was naughty."
Amanda knew what she needed to do. When Brandon handed to bed, she pulled out a piece of paper and and a pen.
Randy,
Ok, I went out on a limb today and I brought out a few more pictures of you and Brandon together so he could see you in more than just the one from when he was first born. The last picture I have of the two of you was the night before we got his diagnosis. And Brandon had been sick with croup and you were hungover or coming down from being high or whatever the hell was wrong with you so you volunteered to sleep in the recliner with him. He had a hard time breathing if he laid down flat, but if he was sleeping while sitting more upright it wasn't so bad. Anyways, we knew Brandon wasn't snuggly and didn't like to be cuddled. But, whenever he was sick it was almost like Brandon became a normal kid. And you picked him up and he laid his head down on your shoulder instantly. The two of you were so snuggled together it was a picture perfect moment.
But, tonight Brandon found them. And he picked one out and said "Daddy?"
And I said "Yup, that's your daddy."
Then he asked where you were, and I didn't know how to answer. So I just said you were gone. Then he looked at the picture very closely and finally repeated Daddy gone and said "Bye Daddy" and set the picture back down.
And that's why I'm writing this. You need to sit down and figure out if you're in this or not. Brandon is trying to figure out who you are and honestly if you're only thinking about hopping in until you realize he's a handful, then don't bother. Forget about him and move on. He cannot handle it and I refuse to put him through it.
By the time you get this, it'll probably be your 30th day. Good luck. I hope this is going well and working out for you.
Amanda
Then she quickly addressed the envelope and ran it out to the mailbox. She went inside and found Brandon curled up in his bed underneath his blankets. Amanda smiled and used her cell phone to take a picture of him. When he was asleep, you could see the similarities between Randy's facial features and Brandon's. She figured if Randy text her, she would send it to him. He'd better not screw things up.
**Please read and review! Have a great weekend!**