**THANKS for being patient while I worked on getting the kids healthy again! I appreciate it. Hope you guys have a great weekend! **

DAY 36

Nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy…Yup, here I am. Still sitting. Still in rehab. Yup…no weekend pass for me. The doc feels that it wouldn't be a good idea. Even though I'm in a different state, don't know anyone here, there's still the high potential to relapse if I happen to walk by a bar or what the hell ever they were talking about. SO…here I am.

I think I get so antsy because I am clean and sober and I'm wanting to prove to myself that I can stay clean and sober. I have different priorities now. I want to get my life back on track, and I can't do that while being in here. But, I'll follow the doc's advice this time. NO leaving.

I talked to mom and dad, and they're going to come see me tomorrow. They're really happy that I'm doing this and it's working. I know I've really let them down. I can't wait to tell them that I got to hear Brandon's voice. It was pretty amazing. I wish I could go back and change things, but since I can't, I have to make the future right.

Since I don't have a whole lot to do around here, I tend to work out a lot and do a lot of thinking. Which is bad. I am my worst enemy. I do some reading too…I've been reading the AA book. Now I'm not a religious guy, but maybe he hasn't forgotten about me.

I have fucked up a LOT in my life. The Marines…the drugs, the partying, the cheating…and my biggest regret of all…walking away when my family needed me the most. I've always justified what I did in my head, I've denied it was wrong, I told my friends they were assholes for judging me. But they were right. Why should I deserve to get a second chance at these things? Well…most of these things. I learned that the Marines were NOT where I was supposed to be and I respect them thoroughly for doing what I cannot do.

These are the The 12 Steps:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yup, I shook my head, and I got out of the meeting and I walked out. I'm not in this place for a bunch of religious crap. But then my rehab-appointed sponsor pulled me aside and asked if he could talk to me. He sat me down and went through the steps and asked why I was so against God. I said that if he cared I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess.

Then he came back with a challenge, what if he tried to intervene but I was too drunk or high to pay attention? So I listened, and I came back. It took a few days, but dammit I did it. And I've been working my way through the steps. I have to admit, so far so good.

Alright, enough touchy-feely bullshit for the night. I did NOT plan on writing about all that shit. Good night.

RKO

Day 37

Mom and Dad came to visit today. My mom cried. I don't think I realized just how much I've broken her heart until I saw that. My dad was disappointed, but they were both proud of how far I've come. There's no way I can ever do this to them again.

I even let Dad read my journal. I didn't know if Mom could handle it. When I'm having a bad day, or if I'm feeling like I need to get high, I don't know if she could take reading that.

They were pretty shocked when I told them that I heard Brandon's voice. And that I had been communicating with Amanda. Now my mom is wanting to call Amanda , but I told her to wait until I checked it out with her first.

RKO

Amanda had taken Brandon to the park. He was feeling a little better and needed to blow off some steam. So they stopped at the bookstore and she bought a book for Randy to read about Autism. Then she wrote Randy a letter while Brandon played. The letter took awhile for Amanda to write since she had to stop and make sure Brandon was still where he was supposed to be, but it was a letter that needed to be written.

Randy,

Well, since you've showed that you truly want to be a part of Brandon's life, it's time to start preparing you for Brandon's life. So I bought you a book that is very good. I've included it with the letter. "Ten Things Ever Child with Autism Wishes You Knew" by Ellen Notbohm. Don't roll your eyes, trust me. This is very good. I wouldn't take the time to write these little nutshells I'm about to do if I didn't believe in this book.

I kid you not, these fit Brandon to a T. So, read these…CAREFULLY!

1. I am first and foremost a child - a child with autism. I am not primarily "autistic."

As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don't think I "can do it," my natural response will be: Why try?

Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical.

2. My sensory perceptions are disordered. This means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, all of that is on hyper-overload.

Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges:

3. Please remember to distinguish between won't (I choose not to) and can't (I am not able to).

Come and speak directly to me in plain words: "Please put your book in your desk, Brandon. It's time to go to lunch." This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply. Too many words just confuse me.

4. I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It's very confusing for me when you say, "Hold your horses, cowboy!" when what you really mean is "Please stop running." Don't tell me something is a "piece of cake" when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is "this will be easy for you to do." When you say "It's pouring cats and dogs," I see pets coming out of a pitcher. Please just tell me "It's raining very hard."

Idioms, puns, nuances,and sarcasm are lost on me.

5. Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It's hard for me to tell you what I need when I don't know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

6. Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

Don't let autism cause you to lose sight of the whole child. Self-esteem is crucial.

7. Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can't do. Like any other human, I can't learn in an environment where I'm constantly made to feel that I'm not good enough and that I need "fixing." Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however "constructive," becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one "right" way to do most things.

8. Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don't want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it's just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I'm delighted to be included.

9. Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

10. If you are a family member, please love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, "If he would just…" and "Why can't he….." You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn't like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of a successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you – I am worth it.

And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience.

Randy, I know it's a lot. But it's Brandon. It's my life. That's what I have to live by. I have visual cards I carry in my purse, I have a visual schedule taped by the door, and I have his own calendar in his room so he can see what the day will hold.

And now that I've sat and handwritten all of these things down from the book, Brandon is done at the park and is trying to pee in the grass. Gotta run.

Amanda

So after a stop at the potty, Amanda loaded Brandon into his bike trailer and she pedaled her way to the post office so she could mail the package and letter to Randy. Then she pedaled them home where they could eat lunch and take a nap.

DAY 45

HALF WAY BABY! Yup, we are officially half way. I have not written in awhile because Amanda sent me a book to read. "Ten Things Every Kid with Autism Wishes You Knew" by Ellen Notbohm. At first I thought it was going to be stupid, but holy crap. I had no idea. Now I'm really looking forward to meeting him and trying to remember all of these things. Maybe I'll keep her letter in my wallet and if I start to lose my cool, I can reference back to it.

Amanda and I have started to text back and forth a bit more. It's kind of nice. I think she's beginning to trust me and believe in me a little bit again. We're starting to work on a friendship. It's a nice feeling.

Speaking of which, I've gotta run. Time for my nightly call with Amanda.

RKO

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