The Big Bang Theory: The Feminine Hygiene Mistake

by jfrankliniv

Howard is settling into married life. He's survived liftoff, orbited the Earth, survived re-entry, and finally moved out of his mother's house. But there are some things nothing prepares you for in life - like the first time you're responsible for the grocery shopping and that one last item on the list is something you know nothing about...

3. Chapter 3

The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Act II J. Franklin

THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE

ACT II

(SCENE: HOWARD and RAJ are in the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery mart. RAJ is frustrated and clearly impatient; HOWARD is frantically waiting for his mother to answer.)

RAJ: Dude, I can't believe you're actually going to call your mother to discuss tampons.

HOWARD: Well, when you get married, there's one thing you learn to fear more than your own mother.

RAJ: What's that?

HOWARD: Your wife when she's on her period. (Holds phone to ear.) It's ringing!

RAJ: Oh, good. (Sarcastically) I feel so relieved!

HOWARD: Shh! (Pauses) Hi, Mom? (Pauses again) Yes, it's me, Howard!

RAJ: Who else would call her "mom"? (HOWARD pushes him.)

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ in her kitchen cooking. She is moving quickly around the stove; all we see are her arms and hands.)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: So, my little bubby finally decided to call his mother!

(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)

HOWARD: What are you talking about? We just talked two days ago!

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, Mr. Big Shot now! Doesn't need to call his mother unless he needs something!

(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)

HOWARD: (Uncomfortable) What makes you think I need something?

RAJ: (Quietly) You do, dude! You do! Remember? (HOWARD elbows him again.)

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Well, you'll have to make it fast! I'm busy in the kitchen cooking!

(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)

HOWARD: (Suddenly distracted) You're cooking? What are you making?

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: It's a new brisket recipe. My doctuh said I need to try and eat less meat, so I'm using chicken this time

(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)

RAJ: Dude, she knows chicken is also meat, right? (HOWARD elbows him yet again.) Ow! Dude! I'm just trying to help!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Is that cute Rajesh Koothrappali there with you?

HOWARD: (Surprised) Raj? Uh, yes. He is!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Good. I'm making some for him too since I know his people don't eat a lot beef. (Pauses)

RAJ: (Overhearing) Actually, we're not supposed to eat any beef –

HOWARD: Relax!

RAJ: What do you mean, "Relax!"? You had a bacon double cheeseburger just yesterday –

HOWARD: (Wide eyed) SSSSHH!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) What was that?

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Uh, nothing! Nothing! Raj was just looking over the grocery list and misread something. (Pauses) But actually, it's something on the list that I'm calling you about.

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is it something for my sweet daughter in law, Bernadette?

HOWARD: (Filtered) As a matter of fact, it is. Listen –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is it a pregnancy test to see if I have a grandchild yet?

(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)

HOWARD: (Pausing) Um, not exactly. More of the opposite, really.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) What do you mean? You trying to buy her some underwear or something?

HOWARD: No, actually –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) 'Cause I've been noticing how top-heavy she's been looking lately. She needs some better bras to hold those girls in place!

HOWARD: (Sighs and looks at RAJ.)

RAJ: It's true, dude. She does.

HOWARD: (Aghast) What? Wh-wh-what? Stop checking out my wife!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Excuse me?

RAJ: (Hurriedly) No, not you, ma! I was just talking to Raj.

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh. Well, you can't blame him. If she wore better support, she wouldn't be so enticing to all those exotic foreign men!

(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)

RAJ: (Smiling) See, this is why I like your mom –

HOWARD: (Losing it) Okay, enough! Enough! Mom, I NEED YOUR HELP IN BUYING HER SOME TAMPONS! (He pauses, shocked at how loud he just shouted. Several women are passing by and stop as well to look at him.)

RAJ: (Trying to help by recovering quickly) Let's go! Move along! Nothing to see here! (Women move past.)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) You need help buying her WHAT?

HOWARD: (Resigned and speaking quickly) Tampons! I'm in the women's hygiene aisle and she put them on the grocery list, but I don't know anything about them! That's why I'm calling!

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, well sure! I can help you with those!

(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)

HOWARD: (Turns to RAJ and sighs in relief) She's going to help us! We're saved!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Do you know when she started her last cycle?

HOWARD: Say whaa?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: : (Filtered) When did she start?

HOWARD: Uh, I don't know…

MRS. WOLOWITZ: : (Filtered) Well, when was the last time the two of you –

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) We're not talking about that!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Oh, my son the big time stud can't share anything with his mother!

HOWARD: Okay, okay! I guess it's been a week! Are you happy?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Oh, sure! Now, if you don't know when she started, you probably don't know if she's on her heavy flows yet, right?

RAJ: (Whispering to HOWARD) They have different flows?

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly again) Uh, mom! I just need to know what kinds I should buy! We don't really need to go into all the details –

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Ignoring him) Because when I was her age, I always needed the maximum stuff they had 'cuz even then I had a fuller figure and being a big girl, my flows were just –

(Cut to: HOWARD)

HOWARD: (Cringing and grabbing a box off the shelf) Here it is! I found it! Never mind! Thanks, Mom –

(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Now, hold on there, Mister Smarty Pants. Do you have some liners for her as well?

(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)

HOWARD: (Confused) You mean like jokes?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) No, I mean panty liners so she can have some extra protection in her underwear! If she's having a rough day –

HOWARD: (Giving up) Yes! Yes! We've got those, too! Thanks so much –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Now, you'll probably want to get her some Ibuprofen as well to help with the cramps –

HOWARD: (Trying to cut her off) Got it, ma! All taken care of! Thanks! Listen, I'll call you again –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Now, did you make sure you got the brand she likes?

HOWARD: Um, no. She didn't put that on the list, so I was just going to get –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) She didn't put it on the list? Are you sure?

HOWARD: (Exasperated) Yes, of course I'm sure! I looked right here on the list and it's right on the bottom with no labeling –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Did you check on the back?

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) Ma, I think I would have known to do that before calling you. (Turns list over) I mean, c'mon – (Stops)

RAJ: (Reading over his shoulder) Tampax. Dude! That's it! She even wrote the brand name!

HOWARD: (Holding phone to his chest) Quick. Just grab every kind of box that says Tampax on it and we'll do it your way with the exchange idea.

RAJ: Okay, dude!

(Dissolve to: HOWARD and RAJ at the checkout line. RAJ is emptying the shopping cart onto the conveyer belt while HOWARD is still on the phone with his mother. He is nodding and clearly frustrated.)

HOWARD: Yes, ma. I know. I will. (Pauses) I understand. Really. But we're at the checkout line now, so I need to –

RAJ: (Continues unloading but stops suddenly. The checkout cashier is the same CLERK who helped them earlier. He turns to HOWARD.) Um, dude! You might want to –

HOWARD: (To RAJ) Hold on, she's almost done eating now!

RAJ: (Nervous) But dude –

HOWARD: Mom? Yeah, hold on one second – (Holds phone to chest) What is it?

RAJ: (Nods toward CLERK.)

CLERK: (Sarcastically) Well, hello.

HOWARD: (Freezes) You!

CLERK: Yes. Me. (Smiles) Were you able to find everything you were – ahem! – looking for?

HOWARD: (Still clutching phone to his chest) Um, yes! As a matter of fact, we were! Right here, see! (Holds box up proudly) Oh, and, these aren't for me!

CLERK: (Puts hand on his arm reassuringly) Are you sure?

HOWARD: (Realizing absurdity) Well, um, yes! Yes! But, hey, we figured it out, at least! So, ah, here you go! (Hands box to clerk)

CLERK: Oh, that's wonderful. (Takes box to scan. The machine beeps in error. CLERK swipes it again. The machine beeps in error a second time.) Uh-oh. That's strange.

HOWARD: What? What's strange?

CLERK: Hold on. (Cues intercom) I NEED A PRICE CHECK AT REGISTER 12 FOR SOME TAMPAX! I REPEAT, I NEED A PRICE CHECK AT REGISTER 12 FOR SOME TAMPAX TAMPONS!

HOWARD: (Buries his face in his hands) Oh, God…could this get any worse?

(MRS. SIEBERT walks by.)

MRS. SIEBERT: (Over her shoulder) Have a nice day, boys! Glad to see you were able to work everything out!

RAJ: (Pauses. Leans over) Dude, it just got worse!

(Dissolve to: HOWARD and BERNADETTE's apartment. BERNADETTE is cooking dinner while HOWARD reads a comic book.)

BERNADETTE: So, anyway, after a full day of handling flesh-eating bacteria, it's just so nice to come home to some fresh and clean meat for a change!

HOWARD: (Unfazed) That's nice, dear.

BERNADETTE: (Absent-mindedly) Were you able to get everything I put on the list?

HOWARD: (Breaking from comic book) What?

BERNADETTE: (Still cooking but turning to face him) I was just wondering if you had any problems getting everything I put on the list?

HOWARD: (Beams) As a matter of fact, no! Your husband passed the grocery trip test with flying colors!

BERNADETTE: You did?

HOWARD: Absolutely! (Gets up) I even managed to pick up your personal items!

BERNADETTE: (Frowning) You bought me the new underwear your mother's been nagging me about?

HOWARD: What? No! I bought you your – your – y'know. (Drops voice) Protection!

BERNADETTE: (Confused) But we're already using protection!

HOWARD: (Frustrated) No! I mean, y'know, your monthly things that you need? Your little visitor who comes along and keeps us from having as much fun in the bedroom as we'd like?

BERNADETTE: (Thinks) Oh, you mean the tampons!

HOWARD: (Relaxes) Yes! Your tampons! I got them just like you outlined!

BERNADETTE: Oh, thank you, Howie. That's such a relief. (Continues stirring pot.) Now I wish I hadn't made that special trip to the drug store on the way home to get them!

HOWARD: (Aghast. Throws comic book against far wall.) You did WHAT?!

(Cut to commercial)

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