(Japan, Clow Estate, the third month)
Keroberos popped his head into Yue's room. "Clow's back," he said.
"I know. I heard him come in," Yue said, hastily folding the last washi square into one more origami unit. "I'm almost finished," he said with an impatient sigh.
The rest of Keroberos entered the bedroom. He stepped over to Yue and stretched up on the table to watch his sibling assemble the box. The lid and the base were each made up of a dozen folded pieces, the uniform squares transformed into a series of angled shapes. Yue's deft fingers fitted the pieces together with care while wearing a small frown on his face.
"He says that he has something for you," said the lion. "You've been working on that all day, haven't you?"
"It's done," Yue mumbled, focused on the difficult connections before him. "I finished a while ago, but I wanted a good box for it." He finished the base of the box and set it aside, moving onto the lid. He concentrated on getting the small tabs into their uncooperative pockets without destroying the precisely folded units. At last he creased in the decorative pinwheel pattern in the center of the lid, and checked the fit of each half of the finished box.
Also on the table, waiting to be nested into the origami box, was the project that Yue had been working on all day. It was wrapped in a silk handkerchief, which he unfolded, holding it up so that Keroberos could see.
"Looks good," said Keroberos, eyeing the intricately knotted cord with a speculative eye. "What's it for?"
Yue caught the knot in his palm, bringing it up flat and contemplating his own work. "It's for his hair," he said self-consciously. Positioning the iridescent shell beads correctly while weaving the knot had required focused care; more than once, he had found himself at points where a small mistake would have ruined the whole creation. The dark red silk cord was heavy and slippery and didn't like to hold the smaller twists that created the over-all knot. And the knot had a secret: hidden in its weave was a single strand of Yue's own hair. The silver would have shone out like lighting in a stormy sky if Yue had made an error anywhere. As it was, his Master would never know what the knot contained unless Yue told him.
"You put a lot of effort into it," Keroberos said. "He'll like it," he added encouragingly.
Yue gave his brother a smile of gratitude. "He's downstairs?" he asked, straightening the pristine fall of his clothing. He carefully placed the day's effort in the paper box and cradled the gift in his hands.
"In the kitchen," answered the lion.
Yue dawdled a moment longer. "Do you want to come with me?" he asked Keroberos.
The lion swished his tail. "Clow said that he wanted to see you alone," said the creature without concern.
Yue turned the origami box in his hands, looking for an imperfection. "Did he say why?" he asked.
"Who knows why Clow does anything," Keroberos asked rhetorically.
Yue wavered. It was becoming more and more difficult for him to be alone with his maker, lately. Innocent, ordinary situations mutated into moments of tension, but only for him – Clow always seemed just as calm and jovial as always. It was all that time alone together on the ship, Yue conjectured. Intimate time, but without the kind of intimacy that Yue wanted.
It was heaven and hell, Yue thought, for the three of them to be so removed from the rest of the world now. He had a larger share of the sorcerer's attention, but there also was very little to distract Yue from his hopeless dreams. More than once, he was sure that his feelings were transparent to Clow. The love-knot that he'd made was chancing a confession, but Yue had been unable to resist making the gift.
Yue gave his brother an absent-minded rub on the shoulders before heading downstairs. He unfurled his wings and drifted quietly down the staircase, alighting at the base of the stairs with the intention of walking to the kitchen from that point. He was almost to the kitchen doorway when he stopped, and in a moment of panicked cowardice, stashed his gift to Clow in a cabinet that was otherwise empty. Hands clasped together, he entered the kitchen.
The magician busied himself with unpacking various boxes, casks, and jars and stowing them away in the many cabinets. When Yue walked in, he looked up and smiled, making Yue smile in answer.
"How was your excursion?" Yue asked.
Clow's eyes twinkled behind his lenses. "Very successful," he said. "Did Keroberos tell you that I brought something for you? I found something that you will like," he said enticingly.
Yue's Master wasn't going to tell him outright, but Yue had to play his part of the usual game. "What is it?" he asked.
The sorcerer's smile deepened. "I'll give you three guesses," he said.
Yue pretended to consider. "Something to read?"
"No," said Clow.
Yue studied his Master, even though Clow's twinkling eyes were disarmingly distracting. "Something to wear?" the winged man asked.
"Yue, you're not even trying," said Clow with playful disappointment. "I'll give you a big hint – it belongs in this room, most of the time."
Looking at Clow curiously, Yue asked, "It's something to eat?" Clow nodded solemnly. "What is it?" Yue asked again.
The sorcerer pulled a kitchen chair away from the table and motioned to his creation. "Sit down," he invited. With growing curiosity and a touch of suspicion, Yue obeyed. "Now close your eyes," Clow commanded coyly.
Yue inhaled evenly and brought his lids down. He peeked them open again, but Clow was looking at him with expectation, so Yue closed his eyes again, tightly. He lifted his chin slightly. He could hear Clow opening what sounded like a lacquered box and setting it down on the table. Yes, it was definitely a lacquered box; it had that peculiar light sound to it, unlike plain wood or ceramic, and the smaller inserts rattled inside of it.
"Open your mouth," said Clow. Yue could almost hear him smiling.
Yue swallowed the wetness in his mouth before opening his lips. He heard the magician's sleeves rustle, and then something was in his mouth. He closed his lips on it and it sat on his tongue, vaguely square but starting to almost melt. There was a resistant aspect to it. Like aspic, but worse. Experimentally, Yue pressed it against his palate. It had a striking lack of flavor, and a texture that was… unpleasant. Yue's choices were to spit it out or swallow it. Although he considered the former, he opted to quickly swallow it without further chewing. He opened his eyes narrowly, only to see his Master looking at him with repressed laughter.
"Clow," said Yue with restraint, "what did I just eat?"
"I was told that it is called konnyaku," said Clow.
"Why did you think I would like it?" asked Yue with disbelief. "I would rather eat caviar."
The sorcerer chuckled, unable to stop himself. "I never said that the konnyaku was what I brought for you," he teased. "I just wanted to see your expression when you ate it."
Yue felt a mix of embarrassment and hurt that he knew was disproportionate to the cause. The little joke was typically Clow; in the past, he would have taken it lightly. To hide his true feelings, he glared at Clow with mock annoyance. "Childish," he stated derisively.
The magician raised an eyebrow. "Who's childish?" he questioned.
"You are," answered Yue with a touch of petulance.
Clow placed his hand on the table and leaned in closely to his creation. "You'll be nicer to me when you find out what I brought you."
Clow was too close; Yue could not meet his eyes. "Maybe I do not want it," he said woodenly.
"Come now, Yue, don't be angry," said Clow. He touched the other man lightly on the chin. "I'll be sincere this time. But you should close your eyes again. The surprise will be better."
When Clow's fingers touched his chin, Yue's stomach flipped. He was thankful for the konnyaku's lack of substance. Clow was close enough that Yue could smell the herbal soap that the magician used to wash his hair. He met Clow's eyes, and to escape their mind-blanking depths, he closed his own.
"That's better," said Clow softly.
Clow's breath whispered against Yue's cheek. Startled, Yue opened his eyes again, but held still. Clow's face was a hand's span away from his own, though Clow's expression was one of total calm, as if this was well within his range of comfort. "You have to keep them closed," he said.
Yue swallowed. "I don't want to," he resisted.
"Yue…," the magician coaxed.
"No," said Yue.
Clow tipped his head. "Don't be contrary," he wheedled.
"No," said Yue, more insistently but with less conviction.
"I'll be serious," Clow promised. He moved in slightly closer with his words. Then he winked.
Yue pressed him palms into the sides of the chair seat and closed his eyes in a hurry. Under the onslaught of Clow's nearness, he couldn't think clearly. At least with his eyes closed, he could almost quell the surge of feeling that was threatening to overwhelm him.
"And open your mouth," insisted Clow.
Very tentatively, Yue parted his lips with a small, hitched breath. He felt Clow's body heat vanish as the magician moved away, and was briefly disappointed. The warmth returned as Clow's hand came close to Yue's face. A fingertip touched his lips and traced its way to their center.
He recognized the scent first, and his eyes flew open. Yue licked out with the tip of his tongue to taste a familiar bitterness dusted on the sorcerer's fingers. Realizing what he had just done, he pulled away quickly.
"I knew you would like it," said Clow smugly.
"Where did you find cocoa?" Yue asked with wonder. He was still embarrassed by his tasting of Clow's fingertips, and the feeling was mixed up with his elation at the long-missed taste of chocolate.
"I coaxed a few kilos out of a Dutch merchant," revealed the magician proudly. "He's agreed to become a regular supplier."
"But we'll need cream… wheat flour and eggs if you want to make a cake…" listed Yue hopelessly.
"How cruel do you think I am?" asked Clow. "That same merchant has a small herd of Guernseys. I brought everything that I need to make a cold pudding."
"Keroberos will love you for it."
"And you?" asked Clow lightly. "Will you love me for it?"
Yue couldn't keep the smile on his face. He struggled for something to say. "We can mix it with dried peppers. If we have any achiote left, we could have mole," he said, looking at anything but Clow. Clow's hand touched Yue's hair in a friendly caress, a few light touches not unlike the way that Yue had parted with Keroberos. Then, without saying anything else, the sorcerer left the room.
Yue sank his head into his hands, and sat that way, breathing carefully, until he heard paws heading down the hall toward the kitchen. Composing himself, he looked up just as Keroberos walked in. The lion placed his forepaws on the table to inspect the contents of the lacquered box.
"You don't want to eat that," warned Yue.
"Why? What is it?" asked his sibling.
"Just don't eat it," sighed Yue. When Keroberos started to laugh knowingly, Yue scowled at him.
"So what did he think?" queried the lion, after his hooting noises died down. When Yue looked at him without comprehension, Keroberos explained, "The ornament that you made him. What did he say?"
"I didn't give it to him," Yue answered tersely.
Keroberos sat back on his haunches. "Why not?" Yue shook his head wordlessly while looking at his hands. "But you spent all day on it," the lion insisted without comprehension.
Yue lifted his eyes to look at his brother. "He is always teasing me," he said despairingly. "I don't know what he means by it." He dropped his voice to a murmur. "I don't know if it means anything."
Keroberos grew serious. "You want it to mean something," he stated bluntly. Yue nodded. "You're treading dangerous ground, brother," said Keroberos. He began pacing in front of Yue, who finally stood up and moved to stand by the outer door. Yue looked out one of the windows as if contemplating the herb garden. Keroberos finally controlled his agitation and sat down facing his sibling. "What do you want?" he asked firmly.
Yue traced fingertips against the glass. "Don't you think he could…" he started, letting his words trail into nothing. He frowned, and tried again. "He might want something… stable." Yue had trouble finding the words to express what he wanted to say.
"You know, it's not always one-nighters with Clow," said Keroberos harshly. "He kept a mistress while we were in San Francisco."
"I know ," hissed Yue.
"If you want something more than a tumble, you're going to get your heart broken," insisted the lion.
Yue cast him a shocked look at his blunt words. "It's… it's not like that—" the winged man protested. "I don't think that Clow –"
Keroberos continued over his sibling's protest. "It's just the way he is. He's been entertained by women and men from England to North America! And Greece – I'm sure there was something going on in Greece... ," he mused.
Yue fidgeted with the sash on the curtains. "I don't want to think about it," he said. "I know what you're saying, Keroberos, but I don't want to think about it."
"But you need to think about it," the lion said gently. "You keep stuffing your head with romantic stories and you're going to start believing them. You're taking him too seriously. I hate to say it but..."
"Then don't say it," Yue pleaded. "Please." He turned to Keroberos, crouched down and put his arms around his brother's neck. "I can't help the way I'm feeling. If I could just tell him... he doesn't have to feel the same way. I just want him to know."
"And then what?" remonstrated Keroberos. "You're setting all of us up for disaster."
"You don't know everything," Yue accused. "You're not always right."
Keroberos blew out a heavy, exasperated sigh. "You aren't even interested in listening, are you, Yue? I'm trying to look out for you. Be objective about this, you're good at that."
"There's nothing objective about being in love!" Yue shouted. He heard his own words and felt stunned. He had said it, out loud . There was no taking it back now. Keroberos was looking at him with a dark expression. Yue couldn't take that look anymore; he walked out of the house. Strangely, Keroberos did not follow him.
He shut the door brusquely as he walked out, but he knew that his sibling could easily have opened it and come out after him. He was thankful for the reprieve. He knew that Keroberos was right, and he didn't want to face it. If he told Clow, and it went badly, it would be disastrous. He had known that truth in his heart, and it had made him shy about a gift that would have been otherwise innocent.
The air in the garden was fresh and sweetly scented, but Yue still felt its smallness and closeness to the house. He started walking away from the manor toward the outer gardens. Beyond the low brick wall, the paths opened up to trees, and he followed one of them, heedless of where it led.
It didn't take long for Yue to realize that The Loop had been cast on the gardens. He should have walked out onto open meadow, but he was still among the trees. It didn't matter; all he needed was to walk, even if he was walking on paths confused by Clow's magic. The tamed pathways were better than the wild spaces, anyway. His mind and heart were wild enough on their own and needed the imposed order.
What was he going to do, he wondered. He couldn't let things go on as they were. Whether Clow knew or not what he was doing, his teasing was torture. If Yue told him to stop, Clow would certainly ask what had changed between them. The teasing was in the magician's nature; he had always been that way.
Distancing himself physically from Clow was impossible, also. Even if Yue had wanted to leave, he depended on his Master as his source of magic. They had never tested how far apart they could be, or for what span of time, before Yue would start to fail. Yue didn't resent his dependence; it was part of who he was. He would always be linked to his maker.
He had to stop and sit because of the longing that the thought brought with it. The pain was physical. If he had ever been hungry, he supposed that it might feel like this, only high in his chest, making it hard to breath. It was an insistent need. It made him desperate, confused between the desire to flee and the wish to throw himself at his Master's feet. Yue wasn't even sure of the details of his longing. He thought of touching Clow, but if he tried to imagine anything beyond burying himself in his Master's arms, his mind refused to trespass.
He couldn't risk a situation where he might lose Clow's favor, Yue decided. If he was in love with Clow, it would have to remain undeclared. Being close to him would have to be enough. They already had a relationship of cameraderie, friendship, and trust; even if Yue's soul hungrily cried out for more, it would have to be enough as it was. Yue hardened his resolve. He had decided.
His mind folded and unfolded the same thoughts as time passed without his notice. Clow finally came looking for Yue after Yue had been out in the gardens for hours, and the sorcerer found his creation sitting on a stone bench in quiet contemplation. The expression on Yue's face was distant and uncharacteristically cold. Clow sat down beside him, waking Yue's awareness.
"You weren't lost, I hope," said Clow.
Yue shook his head, but still didn't smile. He wasn't completely paying attention. "No, no…" he spoke softly. "I was just… thinking about some things." He did look directly at the magician then, with a smile that came with effort.
Clow felt a jolt of fear. There had been times when Yue had been melancholy, but they were rare, and the cause was usually readily apparent. "Are you homesick?" the magician inquired.
Yue shook his head. "Not really. It's good to be in one place again."
The magician considered. "Is it something that you want to talk about?" he asked. Yue gave him an unreadable look before shaking his head again. At a loss of what else to do, Clow embraced Yue gently, offering a wordless comfort. Yue leaned his face onto the sorcerer's shoulder and turned away so that Clow could not see his expression. "Tell me what I can do," Clow offered softly.
Yue breathed carefully. He was tense, barely resting his hands on Clow's back. "This is enough," he lied with false calm.