I do not own The Hunger Games

Chapter 4-Grief and Guilt

(Peeta)

I woke up on the couch, my back sore from sleeping on it wrong but I get up and walk around the house stretching it a little. Last night was easier, I was able to shake myself out of believing Katniss tried to kill me at the cornucopia in the first games we were in, even though I was half asleep. But I had nightmares, horrible ones, like the ones I used to have before the Quarter Quell. In these horrific dreams, I would be forced to watch every single person I loved die, painful deaths, and then at the end of the nightmare Katniss would slowly approach me and tell me how much she despised me, then she would pull her bow back, ready to shoot causing me to wake up. So to keep myself from dwelling on that, I bake. This morning I am going to make blueberry muffins. After the first batch is done I see Katniss strolling down the stairs. She is humming, I recognize the tune, and she has hummed it before, maybe in her sleep or something. She looks at me, but she seems dazed, like she's somewhere else. But still, I smile, I can't help it.

"I made some muffins, they're on the table."

"Thank you." She says reaching for one.

"You should go hunting today, it feels good outside." I tell her, knowing that maybe she can sort out whatever she's thinking about, plus its spring and that's her favorite time to hunt. She simply nods, telling me that she will, and continues on to eat two more muffins and I bake a few more batches. She gets up and walks upstairs, humming all the way. However after a few minutes the humming stops, and I hear that she has actually started singing, ever so softly, and I wouldn't have been able to hear if I wasn't being very still and I notice that all the birds have stopped to listen. It only lasts a minute or so, then ceases and I know that she has probably fallen asleep. I want to go for a walk around town, maybe go buy some of the stuff I need to make cookies, but I won't leave Katniss in case she wakes up or starts screaming. So I move around the house, cleaning things here and there, until I finally give up and sit on the couch. I don't like being to still, it gives my mind much more freedom than I'm comfortable with. So I decide to think over memories that the capitol didn't touch. I think about all my old friends at school, and the rare occasion I would have laughs with my brothers, and all the things my father said to me about baking and bread. They are happy memories, that give me a pleasant feeling, but it doesn't last long. As I dwell on all my memories of those I love, it sinks in.

They're all gone.

Most of my friends from school died in the bombing, along with my entire family. Tears stream down my face because I know it's my doing. All that had happened, all the loss and death, happened because of me. Most people blame Katniss for pulling out those berries, but I was going to do the same thing she was. If I had just made her kill me, or if I had killed myself, she would be living in district 12 with Prim and her mom, and she'd be in the woods with Gale everyday. She would be living the life she wanted to. Now my grief was accompanied by guilt, something I would have to live with forever. I sit in my thoughts for a long time, realizing I had been so preoccupied in fighting my nightmares; I hadn't really had a chance to think about all that happened lately. I let myself think of Katniss, trusting myself to explore deeper thoughts. I love her, always have, even through my hijacking I love her no less than I did in the quarter quell, it may sound corny but it's how I feel. I was just starting to think about the night when I gave her the pearl when she walked down stairs rubbing her eyes. She looked like she'd been sleeping, but her cheeks were red and blotchy with tears.

"Did you fall asleep?" I ask with concern.

"Yeah. In the closet…"

I stand up, wanting her to hold her in my arms. I know she's in pain, that awful pain that shocks you into deliriousness. She runs into me and buries her face in my chest, I hold on to her tight. After a few minutes, I gently sit her down on the couch so that I can fix her some warm milk, which was what she ordered when she was upset on the train before the Quarter Quell, so I'm guessing she thinks it comforting. I add honey and some spices like the attendant did. I walk back quickly and hand her the milk, which she takes gratefully. I think she likes it, because she smiles just the tiniest bit at its taste. But I want to find out why she went back to hiding in closets.

"Haymitch told me when you were in 13 and even when we were in Snow's mansion you would sneak around and hide is closets and small places all day. Is that what you were doing today?"

"Yes."

I understand her reasons so I simply tell her,

"I miss them too."

At this that breathy noise that she makes when she sobs escapes her mouth, and she wraps herself in my arms.

"Peeta?" she croaks.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember them really well, like Prim and Finnick? Do you remember my Prim?"

"Yes. They didn't really distort my memories of anyone but you. I can think of them all I want and no nightmares come." I reassure her.

"Good. Now I have to tell you something."

She continues on to tell me about this book, she has obviously put a ton of thought into this. When she asks me to draw pictures for it, I agree without hesitation. The book is going to contain everything that ever made us happy, everything we want to remember. There will be pages dedicated to Prim, and Katnisses father, and my brothers and father, and Madge, and some of our or, I guess more of my, friends from school, and Gale. By around 8 pm, when Greasy Sae knocks, Katniss seems better than she did this morning.

"Hello Katniss, Peeta." She says. I nod hello.

"Thank you so much for the soup, again. You really don't have to do that every night. We can cook." Katniss tells her hugging Greasy Sae tightly.

"Oh, its not problem dear. I always have extra. It's the least I can do after all those years your supplied me with wild dogs." Greasy Sae winks and leaves without further discussion.

As we eat our soup, Katniss continues to hum, but I love the sound of it. Before I take her upstairs she tells me that she wants Greasy Sae in the book, I already thought she would be, so I suggest we put her granddaughter who visits us occasionally in the book too. Katniss then starts to doze off so I convince her to go upstairs before she passes out on the couch again.

"I sleep a lot lately, don't I?" she asks once she's tucked into bed.

"You do. But that's okay, you deserve lots rest."

"But so do you, Peeta. Why don't you sleep as much as I do?"

"I don't like going to sleep. I can't control my thoughts."

"Oh." She sighs, clearly thinking about something that is bothering her. She can't feel sorry for me, that's the last thing I want. She has enough pain already.

"It's fine, I'm fine. You should sleep Katniss."

I kiss her forehead and turn to leave, but, as always, she pulls me back.

"Don't leave Peeta."

"Fine. I'll stay till you go to sleep." I say, willingly enough.

"No, stay all night. I don't like it when your not here."

"No Katniss, I can't. I told you I can't control my thoughts when I sleep"

"Fine. But at least lay down this time."

"Katniss, I might fall asleep…that's to risky."

"Please Peeta?"

I give in, again, and crawl under the covers wrapping my arms around her. She feels so warm, she relaxes and her breathing becomes steady with sleep. I stay a few minutes, and no distorted memories come to me, none at all. I only leave so not to push me luck. That night I return to my house because I haven't showered in awhile and I can't smell good.

Thank you for reading and pretty please, please leave a review! I'll try to have the next one up tonight! I don't have anything to do so I might just write all night. Thank you to the people who left reviews on my past few chapters they made my day and gave me loads of modivation. Love ya'll!