Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream...
Disclaimer: I dreamed I own Star Trek but I don't think that's the same thing.
"There you are," Kirk says grumpily when they both arrive on the bridge. He seems unfazed by the explosions and bright lights that are exploding in front of his face, lighting up the entire bridge. Bones flinches, remembering the searing bright light that had started this whole situation, but he tamps it down and swallows the fear. "Took you long enough."
"What do you need me for?" Spock asks.
"I don't need either of you. But I figured that since you two are in your current state, it's best that we stick together at all times." Kirk grins.
"You just want to laugh at our expense," Bones accuses.
"Oh, Mr. Spock, you know me so well."
Scotty's voice comes over the Captain's personal con: "Ready for warp, sir!"
"Excellent. Punch it, Mr. Sulu. Let's get out of here."
Once they exit warp, Bones sees the captain's tense shoulders drop. "Worried?" he snarks.
Kirk snorts. "When have I ever been worried?"
"On multiple occasions, Captain-"
"Okay, I don't really need to – hear any of that." Kirk waves his hand at Spock. "Especially not from you in your current state. Let's go. Debriefing time. Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, Lieutenant Uhura – follow me please."
Bones and Spock exchange a glance with each other before they do an about turn and follow Kirk out of the bridge. Bones grimaces as the shoulder twinges – "What did you do to it?" he hisses to Spock.
"I merely followed instructions, Doctor," Spock says, staring straight ahead, and Bones swears he can see the hint of a smile on his face.
Bones scowls at him as the doors ahead swish open. As he takes a seat next to Uhura, he whispers, "Sorry about this. You know. Me being in the way of you and your boyfriend and all."
She gives him a tiny smile but before she can say anything more, Kirk clears his throat. "Okay. Clearly we all know we have a…situation."
"Of catastrophic degrees," Bones mumbles.
"Aw, stop being such a spoilsport, Bones. It's hilarious."
"On the contrary, Captain, I do not understand why the context of our current predicament is amusing." Spock is calmly sitting ramrod straight in his chair. From his slouched position across the table, Bones just rolls his eyes.
"Well, you two don't have a sense of humour," Kirk snorts. "I actually think it is great." He snaps his fingers, thinking. "At any rate, we need to do damage control, fast. We all understand that not a word of this escapes to the crew, correct?"
Everyone in the room nods solemnly.
"Good. Mr. Chekov, any progress since I asked you to help?"
"Errrr, no, keptin. There hasn't been any time."
"That's fine, kid. I understand that it's been a busy day for a lot of us." Kirk slings a leg over his chair. "Still, we need to do something about the situation. We clearly can't have the both of you running around acting like each other, because you two are the worst at it."
Bones and Spock say nothing as they lock glances across the table. For once, they are in agreement.
"But we can't have them switch roles, either," Sulu points out.
"Why not?" Uhura asks.
"Mr. Sulu is right. Do you know how confused everyone will be if Bones suddenly shows up as First Commander and Spock becomes the CMO? Nobody is going to take them seriously." Kirk wisely doesn't say what he's thinking: even I'm not taking them seriously.
"How long is this going to last?" Bones asks.
Everyone turns to look at Chekov, who's busy calculating on a piece of paper. "By my estimate, Mr. Spock – er, Doctor-"
"Just go with it," Kirk interjects, staring at the ceiling.
"Possibly six months."
"Six months!?"
"Or longer."
Bones sputters in disbelief. "How-"
"We are still in the Kragtowlian system," Chekov explains. "If what has happened is indeed linked to the system that we are in, then-"
Bones doesn't hear him because he's too busy swearing under his breath. Uhura winces when she catches phrases like damn you for bringing me on and stupid space why couldn't we just stay on earth and five years what the hell was I thinking? With all the diplomacy she can muster, she asks, "And there's nothing we can do?"
"Not exactly. I hypothesize that if we can somehow unscramble the particles-"
"But you have a plan?" Kirk asks, as always not wanting to hear the long-winded explanation.
"A very shaky one, keptin, but a plan nonetheless."
"Good man. Hear that, Bonesy? Kid's got a plan."
Bones just groans from where his head is in his hands.
"In the meantime," Kirk says, "we're going to have to play dodgeball with any questions that might come up. Spock, Bones, we're going to have you remain in the original positions that your… bodies… were formerly in." He winces at that phrasing. "As much as you can, you're going to learn each other's roles so that if push comes to shove, you can pull this off effortlessly."
"Vulcans cannot lie," Spock points out.
"As you're so fond of pointing out, Bones – Spock – I need a better way to identify you," Kirk growls in frustration. "Don't think of it as lying. Think of it as…" He stops to think about it.
"Not telling the whole truth," Sulu supplies from the end of the table.
"Yes! That's it." Kirk slaps his hand on the table. "That seem okay to you?"
"It seems logical but not very ethical, Captain."
"Yeah, well – ethics went out the window along with normality today." Kirk props his chin on his hand. "Understood? We'll help you as much as we can."
"By helping," Bones says sarcastically, "do you mean laughing at us?"
Kirk smiles sweetly at Bones. "Isn't that what I always do anyway, Bones?"
Bones makes up his mind that when this is all over and Kirk is due for a checkup, he's going to stab him with a hypospray. He's busy mulling over where he should stab Jim when Uhura stops both him and Spock. "I need to talk to you," she says quietly.
Kirk looks as though he wants to loiter around and listen in on this conversation, but Sulu, ever the practical, diplomatic one, grabs him and Chekov by the arm. "We'll see you in the mess hall," Sulu says before physically hauling the other two out.
When the doors shut, Uhura turns to face both men. "This could be potentially troublesome regarding sleeping arrangements," she says.
"Regarding-" Bones glances between Spock and Uhura before he realizes what she means. "OH. I'll just sleep in my room. I mean, the room I actually own. So…not the room that you two share."
"It will seem strange to those who are not aware of this situation," Spock points out. "Somebody will notice that the doctor is constantly entering the First Commander's room every night along with Nyota, and that the First Commander himself is sleeping alone."
"I'll move out," Uhura offers.
"Too much trouble, and you don't have a room since you gave it up," Bones says. He grimaces. "Does your room have a couch, Spock?"
"A small one, indeed."
"I'll sleep there, then. It's fine."
A look of relief flits over Uhura's face. "That okay with you?" she asks Spock.
"It is the only logical solution." Spock inclines his head towards Bones. "I also have complete trust that the doctor will take care of you, should the need arise."
"Should the need… arise?" Bones chokes on the last word, feeling the flush rise up his neck.
Spock tilts his head quizzically. "Yes, Doctor. If the ship comes under attack or if for some reason, there needs to be an evacuation, I am trusting you to take care of Nyota."
Ohhhhh. Bones feels Spock's bony shoulders relax. From behind Spock, he can see realization dawn in Uhura's eyes as well. "My God, man, you should have just said that." And then he rushes out of the room, not really wanting to stay anymore for this conversation.
Spock turns to Uhura, an eyebrow raised. On Bones' face, it looks out of place, like the doctor is confused but not at the same time. "Was it something I said?"
Uhura doesn't know whether to laugh or sigh, so she settles for only shaking her head. "No, Spock. Come on. Let's go."
My second favourite thing is seeing Bones stammer.
Much love,
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