A New Page

by magentacr

Post-Reichenbach. John tries to deal with Sherlock's death through a new means – a diary. But will it be enough, or will it take something stronger to keep him going? Rated T to be safe as later episodes touch on the idea of suicide.

4. May 3rd 2012

AN: Sorry the story is moving a little slowly at the moment, is a bit depressing. But hang in there, I promise it'll get better soon. ;)

May 3rd 2012

I lost my job at the clinic. Well, they didn't exactly fire me, just told me to 'take some time off and get yourself sorted out'. Which is probably not going to happen, so I'm probably not going to be getting my job back. I'm just not getting over it, things aren't getting better, they're just getting worse.

I'm drinking every few days now, trying to drown it out. That relentless circling in my thoughts, wanting to know why he did it, wanting to find Moriarty, but getting nowhere with my searching. I think I finally understand what Sherlock meant when he said his mind was like a rocket, tearing itself apart on the launch pad. It drives me crazy, so I drink to forget it all. Then the next day I see the mess I've made. Walk past my equally hung over sister to go to work. No wonder they wanted to get rid of me, hardly professional going to work like that. Not at all good for a doctor. So then I feel like a tit for my behaviour, and renew my search for Moriarty, hoping when I find him I'll find my peace. Then I find nothing and go back to the drink. The wheel turns.

What do I do now? Now I don't even have my job as a distraction. Now the one worthwhile thing I had left is gone? It's not even worth me looking for another job, no-one would hire me.

Mycroft has stopped trying to contact me. He's probably seen what a mess I've become and decided he doesn't need to be associating himself with that kind of behaviour. And I was finally beginning to consider asking his help too. He's found Moriarty before. But now he's left me. Probably for the best, I couldn't have trusted him.

Haven't contacted Lestrade recently either. Nothing to report to him. Saw Molly a few times after Sherlock's death, but it's been a while now. Haven't even seen Stamford, he must have got sick of my obsessing. They're all leaving me. Probably for the best, I'm not good company at the moment. Just look what I'm doing to Harry.