Second chapter! Sorry, but it may take a while for me to update after this. I'm going to be out of town for a few days.
At night, I can't tear my eyes away from the cracking ceiling. I hum the haunting melody from earlier as I stare at it, through the night, and deprive myself of sleep. When I hear the nurse calling out "Get up!", I can't bring myself to move. I'm so worn out, it's like being weighted down, being paralyzed.
And then I snap back to reality, my eyes blinking rapidly, body shaking as I manage to pull myself to my feet. My legs feel unstable, like they're made of jello or something. I feel light headed and sit back down. What is this? Have I started withdrawal?
I force myself to stand again and stumble out into the hall. It isn't until then that I realize how bright everything is. I feel a slight numbness in my chest. Vaguely, I question if I'm going to pass out. I reach a hand toward the wall to support myself, but my vision's too blurry, and I fall, hitting the ground with a thud.
I hear myself yell, but I know I didn't. Or did I? I can't tell. All I know is that my heart's beating rapidly in my chest, feeling like it's about to burst into water at any moment, and I can't see, and I'm trembling, my body convulsing in on itself as I hear somebody say my name, "Sayaka!"
And then it's black.
I'm lying on my bed again in a dark, unlit room. There's a girl sitting by the bedside, looking at me in concern, along with a nurse.
"You're awake!" The girl exclaims. "Thank goodness."
"Do you know what day it is?" The nurse asks.
I don't speak. I don't think I even know what day I got put in here, let alone what day it is now. The nurse nods anyway.
"No, then," she frowns, taps her pen on the clipboard. "Do you know where you are?"
My throat closes up as I try to speak. The girl shakes her head, frowning.
"Maybe we could let her rest for awhile? She's pretty shaken up." She says, before turning to me. "I don't think we really met. I'm Mami Tomoe." She smiles, extending a hand. I reach out and attempt to shake it, but feel my hand drop down and hang off the edge of the bed before it even meets her's.
The nurse nods. "I'll talk to the doctor," she says, looking at me.
Mami grins. "Tough stuff already, huh? It's alright. Seems like they work magic in this place, and there's nothing a little magic can't help fix, right?" She nods, almost like she's reaffirming herself, before looking at me. "I'll talk to you in group. I hope you feel better."
And then she leaves.
The doctor tells me that I've started withdrawal. He says that withdrawal from barbiturates is possibly the most dangerous withdrawal one can go through. I don't really hear the rest of what he says. Something to do with my brain. I'm really tired...
I'm not sure when it is that I fall asleep, I just know that I'm falling asleep and leave it at that. When I'm awake, I'm sitting in the main room, alone, with my head down on the desk.
Individual therapy is a lot rougher than group. I try to force myself to talk, but my words are all jumbled together and the nurse's barely listening to what I'm saying. She fires question after question at me, and I try my best to answer each one, but I slur and jumble and she finally gives up.
She wheels my chair back to the day hall, scolding me about my speech manners, but it's not like I could help it. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it can even be fixed. She tells me it's probably because of how I rotted my brain, how I could almost be considered mentally retarded now. I know I'm not. But she wouldn't listen to me regardless.
The rest of the walk to the day hall is spent in silence. She parks the wheelchair by one of the tables, right next to Kyoko, Mami, Madoka, and Homura before walking off.
Kyoko eyes me warily, before smirking and saying, "Hey."
"Hi," I reply.
"The nurses are real bitches, aren't they?" She laughs. "But hey, at least they give me apples!" She coughs. "So how's the first day of hell been, Sayaka?" Kyoko slings an arm over my shoulders casually, and I can feel her breath on my face and if I could push her away I would, but my body won't move.
"Hell." I answer.
"Funny," she says, frowning.
The day drags on and on. I don't speak during the groups. Sometimes I think my voice is gone, but then I speak again and know it's not. A few kids try talking to me, but I don't really reply to anyone. I can't. People keep asking me about meth and the scars on my arms, and so I just can't answer. I just sit there and stare at the wall until group finally ends.
When the staff sends us all back to our rooms, and the nurse helps me lie down in bed, I can't fall asleep. I find myself entranced by the noises around me, the music of the night, and my mind can't rest, preoccupied with thoughts of my family and the drugs and Kyosuke and Hitomi. And as I'm thinking, I hear Kyoko's voice, whispering my name, and I turn on my side to stare at her, but she's fast asleep.
I stare at her until the sounds stop and the scars in my mind fade.
And then for the first time in months, I have a dream.