To Belong to Someone
by Djinn
Part 2
She was home, Amy gone, Saalen fast asleep, Malika upstairs on the bed with him. Chapel wandered the downstairs, wishing Saavik wasn't traveling. Wishing she didn't feel so antsy. The newsvids were still running—even a week later—documentaries on Jim's life and death.
She'd forced herself to stop watching. At least it didn't hurt all that much that she was never mentioned: she'd given up thinking she'd played a meaningful part in his life.
Her chime rang and she went to the door. Spock stood on the other side. He looked horrible. Exhausted. Hopeless, she thought. Had he really thought that he'd find Jim?
He probably had. It was what made the two of them different than she was. They never gave up.
She stood aside and let him in. "Sit down. When was the last time you ate?"
He shrugged and made a low sound she thought was supposed to be some kind of answer.
"I'm making you an omelette." She pushed him toward the stools at the kitchen counter, and he didn't fight her but he also didn't sit down. "Now, listen to me and sit."
As she moved away from him, he grabbed her, pulled her back, into a tight hug.
"Shhh, it's all right." She stroked his hair as if he was Saalen needing comfort.
"It will never be all right." He eased back, stared up at her, then pulled her down and kissed her.
"Whoaaaaa. Spock, stop." She wrestled away from him.
"You slept with Jim when I died. He said it was for comfort—you did, too."
"And it was a mistake. One I don't plan on repeating." She touched his cheek. "I'll make you dinner. I'll dose you up with sedatives and let you sleep in the guest bedroom. But I will not have sex with you. It's not what you need—and it's not what I need, either." She smiled at him sadly. "The only way to get over this is to let yourself feel it. I'm sorry."
"You do not feel what I do. You have had more time to let him go."
She tried not to show him how much his statement hurt. "I have. I realize that. But that doesn't mean I never grieved. Or that it wasn't painful at the time." Or that she hadn't had anyone to help her get over it—it might be petty of her, but she was not going to volunteer to help him at this point. Not through sex.
He sighed. "I am hungry, you are right. And tired. I have not slept since I left."
"Then let me help you." She got busy in the kitchen and made a mushroom and cheese omelette.
He ate it quickly, and when he finished, murmured, "Thank you." He met her eyes. "Jim used dill in his omelettes."
She usually did, too, after he'd told her about his secret ingredient. She'd left it out on purpose: she was not a substitute, not a stand-in. Not again. "I know."
He nodded, as if he could see her logic trail and understood it. He rose. "I should go."
"No, you should go upstairs to the guest room and get into bed. Maybe a shower first? There's a bathroom attached."
"I smell." It was not a question; he looked resigned to the fact.
"Yes." She smiled gently. "When you're done, leave the door open. I'll give you something to help you sleep."
He nodded and got up. She followed him upstairs, and he surprised her by veering off to open Saalen's door and stand in the doorway, looking at his son.
"He loves you, Spock. He loved Jim, too."
He nodded and she left him to his vigil, went and got clean towels, and put them on the guest bed. Then she left him alone.
As she cleaned up the kitchen, she heard the shower running. When it was off, she went upstairs and found her med bag, loaded up a hypo with a dose of sedatives and restoratives. She saw his door was open, so she went in and sat on the bed next to him.
He looked helpless as she scanned him; he was okay other than exhaustion and stress. She shot the hypo into his arm and watched as he slowly relaxed.
Once he closed his eyes, his breathing changing to that of sleep, she leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. Then she got up and left him, closing the door gently behind her.
She went to the comm terminal in her bedroom, called the embassy, Sarek's private line.
He answered it immediately. "Are you all right?"
She nodded. "Spock's home."
His eyebrows pulled down slightly. "I have not seen him yet."
"Because he's here." At his look she added, "In the guest bedroom."
"He came to you. Of course." He nodded. "Will he be staying with you?"
"No. Not past tonight. I'll make that clear in the morning."
"Have you fully considered that?"
Even over the comm channel, she could hear a myriad of things in his voice.
"I don't need to. I like being chosen for myself. I lost that battle eight years ago."
"I understand." His eyes were full of support. "I will let my wife know Spock is home."
"Thank you. Good night, Sarek." She cut the comm channel and went to bed, but sleep was a long time coming.
##
Chapel was sitting in the embassy parlor with Amanda. Saalen was with his father, playing chess in Spock's bedroom.
"I want to clear the air between us, Christine." Amanda picked up Danke, cuddled her to her chest, and then let her go when the cat struggled to get free. "I know that you resented me for siding with Jim."
Chapel resisted commenting that clearing the air didn't normally start with pointing out how the fault was with the other person. "And you resented me for getting Saalen when you wanted to raise him."
"I did. That's true." She sighed. "As it turns out, you were the better choice." She handed Chapel a padd, some medical test results were shown.
Chapel studied them, then met her eyes. "Oh, Amanda. I'm so sorry."
"I won't see him past his next birthday. That would hardly have been fair to him, leaving him like that, so I guess it's good you got him after all." She took back the padd. "I haven't been feeling like myself for a while. I just got these results, so now I know why. I've told Sarek, but I don't think it's fair to put this on Spock when he's still reeling from Jim's death."
Chapel wasn't sure what to say, so she stayed silent.
"You don't approve?"
"It's not my call. He's not my son."
"What if it were Saalen?"
"Saalen is seven. Spock is grown. They are hardly equitable comparisons." She got up. "You don't need my permission to keep this from Spock, Amanda. Nor did you need to include me only to tell me not to say anything. And I don't think you really give a goddamn about clearing the air between us."
Amanda leaned back, a small smile playing at her lips. "You speak your mind, Christine. You're so like Jim in that respect."
"Don't. Don't do that to me. Don't try to play me."
Amanda got up and walked over to her. "Fine. Plain speaking, then. Spock needs you."
"You have got to be kidding. He chose someone else. He was with me and he left. And you don't even like me that much."
"I do like you, Christine. And you and Spock were quite happy when Jim was out of the picture. There is no reason to think you would not be again." She took Chapel's hands in hers. "I'm thinking of my son here. I want him settled before I go. I know you can understand that because of how you feel about Saalen. You would only want what's best for him."
"And when the time comes, I hope I'll let him figure out for himself what's best for him."
Amanda dropped her hands as if stung. "You loved Spock once."
"And he left me. What if Sarek left you?"
"Sarek won't." There was something in Amanda's expression. Something hard that then turned sad. "But I will leave him, won't I?"
Chapel swallowed hard and turned away.
"Do not say a thing to Spock."
"I got that part. And I won't tell Saalen, not until Spock knows." She turned back to look at Amanda. "If you need anything...medical—or that doesn't involve me going back to Spock—you only need to ask."
"I appreciate that." Amanda's face was as stone still as any Vulcan's. "You can tell Saavik. You see her more than I do these days."
Chapel nodded then hurried out, trying not to look like she was fleeing.
##
Saavik and Chapel were just sitting down to eat breakfast when Saalen came into the house, followed by Spock. Saalen mumbled something that sounded like "Good morning," scooped up Malika, and ran upstairs.
"Is he all right?" Chapel looked at Spock.
"I had to tell him about my mother."
She exchanged a look with Saavik, who closed her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"You knew and did not tell me." It was clear that he was not asking—Amanda must have told him they knew.
"She asked me not to." Told her not to was more like it. Goddamn ordered her not to.
"Are you hungry, Spock?" Saavik was watching him closely, as if she was afraid he was going to explode from the losses he was facing.
"No. I ate with Saalen at the diner Jim loved."
Chapel got up and said, "I'm going to check on Saalen," and left them alone to talk.
Saalen was lying on the bed, stroking the cat as she lay draped over him. "Why can't you fix Grandmother? You're a doctor. She's sick."
Chapel sat next to him and rubbed his arm. "There are limits to what medicine can do. Your grandmother has a disease we can't cure."
"Are you going to get sick? You go to planets where there are sick people. They might have diseases you can't cure, too."
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm very careful. And I don't go as often as I used to."
"You shouldn't go at all. You should stay here."
"For a while, I will." She leaned down and kissed his forehead. "I'm so sorry. I was your age when I lost the only grandparent I knew. I know how confusing this is. Especially after we lost Jim."
He nodded and petted Malika more roughly. The cat just purred and stayed where she was.
"Malika will die someday, won't she?"
Chapel nodded. "But we take good care of her and she's a big, strong cat. She has many years ahead of her."
Saalen turned, dumping Malika off as he curled into Chapel. She rubbed his back, and the cat crawled back onto his side, purring very loudly as she kneaded his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart." She stayed with him for a long time, until he finally let go of her and said he was all right. The Vulcan boy back in place.
She went downstairs and saw that Spock was gone.
Saavik met her eyes. "Is Saalen all right?"
Chapel nodded. "He's worried I'm going to die."
"But not me, is he?" She raised a hand when Chapel started to answer. "It's all right, Christine. This is the way I wanted it. That was a statement of fact, not dismay." She got up and put her arms around Chapel. "You've been the best mother I could want for him."
Chapel realized Saavik was crying, so she held her tightly and murmured, "I'm sorry about Amanda, kiddo."
"Me, too. I was horrible to her when I first arrived on Vulcan. I don't know why she kept trying, but she did." Saavik let her go, brushing her eyes impatiently, as if she wished she hadn't cried. "I think I'll stay home with Saalen today."
"I think that would be a very good idea." She kissed Saavik on the forehead.
"Have I thanked you? For taking me in, for raising Saalen?"
"Yes. But you don't have to."
##
Chapel looked down at the comm message Saavik had sent her. "It is over," was all it said.
She closed her eyes for a moment then walked up to Saalen's room. He was working on a heritage project his social studies teacher had assigned. It had been an interesting discussion when she had explained to him that the fact that she was English and German didn't have any real relevance to the project.
He told her it did. That it colored the environment, if not his DNA. He sounded very like his father at times. She had finally given up and let him include her background in the family study.
"Can you take a break for a minute, Saalen. I need to talk to you."
He put his work down and came over to where she sat on the bed.
"Sit down, baby."
He looked down. "You never call me that anymore. It's Grandmother, isn't it?"
"Yes. She's gone, Saalen. I'm so sorry."
He swallowed hard and leaned up against her. "Shouldn't we have been there?"
"This is how she wanted it." Amanda had told Chapel she didn't want Saalen to have to see her laboring for her last breaths. That she wanted him to remember her alive, not lifeless in her bed.
Saalen turned and hugged her, and she wrapped her arms around him and wished just once he'd let himself cry. His mother was capable of it—had probably cried when Amanda had passed.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." She realized she wasn't crying, either—was that why Saalen didn't? Because Chapel didn't let herself do it these days?
Was she a bad influence on the boy?
He looked up at her and said, "I love you, Christine," in a voice that held a world of sorrows.
"I love you, too, Saalen. More than you'll ever know."
##
Chapel rushed into the house, saw Amy standing at the French doors that led outside. "Where is he?"
"Out there. He came in when we were having lunch. Just...went out into the garden and sat down in the sun."
"I'll take care of it."
"Saalen's worried about his grandfather. I finally told him to go upstairs with Malika."
"That was the right thing. Can you stay a while longer? I may need to go with Sarek back to the embassy."
"I can stay as long as you need me."
"What would I do without you?"
"Hire a different nanny?" Amy smiled. "But I'm glad you hired me."
Chapel saw Sarek get up and walk deeper into the garden, finally seeking shade she hoped. She opened the door and went out.
"You have no roses." He didn't turn to look at her; he probably knew her footsteps.
"No. I never have any luck with them. This garden survives on its own, I'm afraid." She walked over to where he stood, gazing at her azaleas.
"She had a rose that color."
"I remember it. In the back corner of the garden?"
He nodded. "You did not come often to Vulcan."
"I know. But I remember the rose. Red Rapture I think was the name."
"I did not pay enough attention to them. I do not know their names."
She stroked his back, felt him lean into her hand. "I'm sorry you're hurting, Sarek."
"The embassy seems very empty. Even fully staffed."
"I know. Come inside where it's cooler."
"I am Vulcan. I can stand the heat."
"Yes, of course you can." She was unsure what to do.
He stood staring at the flower. Then he reached for her hand and held on tightly.
She heard the door open, turned, and saw Saalen walking toward them. He came and stood on Sarek's other side, leaning against him, his head pressed into Sarek's hip. Sarek reached down and put his hand on Saalen's shoulder, rubbing gently.
"Stay and have dinner with us, Sarek."
He nodded but did not let go of her hand or of Saalen.
"Grandfather, I need your assistance."
She frowned, unsure what Saalen needed help with.
Sarek finally looked away from the flower.
"I'm working on a project for school. It is on personal heritage. Where we come from."
Sarek nodded.
"Can you help me with the part on Grandmother's family? I can't ask her now."
Chapel smiled as Sarek said, "Yes. Yes, of course I can."
He let go of Chapel's hand and followed Saalen in to the house. They disappeared upstairs as Chapel went back inside.
"You don't have to stay, Amy. Unless you want to eat dinner with us."
"What's on the menu?"
"Not meat." She grinned. "Spaghetti with eggplant maybe."
"I've been craving a burger. No offense."
Chapel smiled. "Don't worry: I'm a carnivore at heart. I just have lived with Vulcans for too long."
"I'll see you tomorrow. I hope Sarek's okay."
"I think he will be. It's a hard time for him. They were married so long."
"That's so rare. There are so many term marriages nowadays, and they barely last a year, let alone get renewed."
Chapel nodded and saw her out, then got busy getting dinner ready. She could just make out Sarek's voice from upstairs, as he told Saalen about his grandmother.
##
Chapel came into Ops from a meeting, saw Sarek talking with Captain Lorcas. Then he turned and came out to where she was standing.
"Hello," she said with a smile.
"Good afternoon. Can you walk for a bit?"
"I can. Would do me good. I've been sitting for two hours in a very dull meeting."
They walked along the hallways of Command, and he finally said very softly, "I wish to apologize for the other day."
"The other day when you helped your grandson with his homework?"
He glanced at her. "I should not have burst into your home that way."
"Why not. You're on the door for a reason, Sarek. Think of it as our home, not mine."
"Nevertheless, I—"
"Whatever you're going to say, just stow it. You're family, Sarek. And you're my friend on top of that. Whatever drew you to the house, you're always welcome there. You know that. I love having you around, and so do Saavik and Saalen."
He seemed about to say something and she held up her hand. "I mean it. No more apologies. If you have something else to say, then go ahead."
His eyes lightened as he looked at her. "The fact that you will not entertain an apology is no doubt one of the reasons I came to you."
"I'm always here for you. Just like you were there for me when I needed you."
He nodded and they walked a little before he said, "Your spaghetti the other night was delicious. I have not had it prepared that way before."
"All in the same pan?" She laughed. "That's what you end up with when English/German people try to make Italian food. I didn't know there was any other way to eat it until I got into high school."
"There is a Vulcan dish that my mother used to make—she would have said the proper way, but others less charitable would have said incorrectly. I still prefer teshanya the way she prepared it."
Chapel smiled. "It's what we grow up with that makes us who we are."
He nodded, then his expression changed. "If I were to tell you how she changed the recipe, would you prepare it for me?"
"What? You think just because I mess up spaghetti, I can properly mess up anything?" She laughed. "Yes, I would be happy to. It'll be good for Saalen to try it, if it's something...native to your family."
He nodded. "Thank you for transforming my nostalgic, emotional request into a learning experience for my grandson."
"Oh, I can rationalize anything, Grandpa." She took his arm for a moment, then realized they were not alone in the hallway and let of him quickly. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
"I did not mind, Christine." His expression was untroubled as they continued their walk.
##
Chapel was getting Saalen's bag ready for a weekend with Spock. Sarek was in the living room with the boy, giving advice on the science project that Saalen had half completed. She could hear their low voices murmuring, the sound soothing to her. Saalen had been asking Sarek's advice ever since the heritage project—as if he knew that he was helping his grandfather and at the same time getting invaluable assistance. Win, win: the family way.
She walked out to where they were. "Do you know where your father is taking you, kiddo?"
"Jim's old house in the mountains." Saalen looked up at her. "Father seems sad when we're there."
"I'm sure he is, sweetie. He loved Jim a lot."
"I did, too." Saalen went back to his project, leaving Sarek and Chapel to exchange a wry look over his head.
"Do you approve of the route he took with that project, Sarek? I thought it was highly original." She loved seeing Saalen gravitate so naturally to science. They'd had a great time discussing possible topics before he'd settled on one.
"Indeed. Most interesting."
The chime sounded, and she went to get it, smiling at Spock as she led him into the living room.
He looked surprised to see Sarek there. "Father."
"My son." Sarek leaned down, said something softly to Saalen, then more loudly, "Go now. Your father is waiting."
Saalen put his project into a cabinet where Malika wouldn't bother it and said, "Thank you for your advice, Grandfather. I had not considered those possibilities."
"It was most enjoyable to consult with you."
"Get your bag, kiddo. It's in your room." As soon as he was out of the room, she turned to Spock. "Are you sure renting Jim's old house is a good idea?"
"Antonia will not be there."
"That's not what I meant. Won't it make you sad? And is that the mood you want to be in on a weekend with your son?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Thinking of what one has lost can induce negative feelings. But I will endeavor not to let those spill over into my interactions with my son. The house is located on a beautiful ridge and Saalen enjoys hiking. It seems...appropriate for us to go there together."
"It's your call."
He moved closer. "I would like to talk to you in a more private manner when I return. If that is agreeable?" He glanced over at Sarek, as if embarrassed to be asking her this in front of him.
"Fine." She turned as Saalen came out with his carryall. "Be a good boy for your father."
He nodded solemnly. "Play with Malika when I am gone? She will get lonely."
"As will I, young man. What about me?"
"Grandfather will keep you company." He leaned against her briefly, then headed for the door.
"Go," she said to Spock. "Time waits for no man and neither does your son."
Spock looked amused as he nodded to both her and Sarek before taking off after Saalen.
She sighed as the door closed behind them. Then she heard Sarek come up behind her.
"We must talk."
She turned; he was standing very close. "I—"
"I misspoke. I must talk. You must listen." She let her eyebrows go up and he added, "Please?"
She nodded and let him lead her to the sofa. He took a seat next to her.
"Christine, I must know something. I saw interest on Spock's part just now. Does that make you...happy?"
"Just because he wants to speak to me in private does not mean he's interested."
"I know my son. Answer the question, Christine. It is a simple one."
She met his eyes. "Why do you want to know?"
"You are too intelligent to ask that. The connection between us is not something I have imagined." He rose and paced to the window, just as he had the night he'd come to her on Starbase Twelve. "This is not how I would have preferred to broach this. It is too soon after Amanda's passing for my words to be proper. But I did not like what I saw on my son's face. That said, if it is he who you desire, I will remove myself from the equation."
"Remove yourself? You're Saalen's grandfather." She got up and walked to where he stood.
"I do not come here merely for Saalen, and we both know it. I could be here less often, find myself off Earth more frequently."
"I would not like that," she said quickly, and he turned to look at her.
"You would not?"
She shook her head.
"I dishonor my wife—the strength of the desire I have for you. The...emotion."
"So we'll wait until you won't dishonor her."
He narrowed his eyes, then moved toward her. "I find that solution untenable. Spock will move, and I will not have claimed you."
"Claimed?" She let an eyebrow go up, a grin playing at her lips.
He stopped very close to her. "A poor choice of words, I realize, with a human. Yet...it is how I feel."
She touched his face, and he closed his eyes for a moment. "You feel primitive?"
He nodded.
"You want me?"
He nodded again and reached out for her, touching her face gently.
"You love me?"
"I have always. Although I am not sure when regard for you as Spock's mate changed to this."
"Maybe when I stopped being his mate?" She smiled and pressed against him, smiled more broadly when she heard him moan. "Do you want to wait? I'll do whatever is best."
He had his eyes closed. "I do not want to lose you."
"He left me, Sarek. He left me for Jim. You have never abandoned me. Why would I ever choose him over you?"
"Because you love him."
"Is that why you asked me how strongly I felt for him, that time in your library? You wanted to know if I could love you?"
"Possibly."
"I already love you. I always have. And like you, I'm not sure when you stopped being a father-in-law, started being a man I could imagine being with. Could fantasize about." She murmured the last bit in his ear, pressed against him.
He pulled her close, held her very tightly. She felt his lips on her neck, then he whispered in her ear, "We must wait. The period of mourning is prescribed by ritual."
"Of course." She eased away from him.
He brushed the hair off her face, studied her intently. "I did not tell Amanda that I loved her often enough for her needs. I will not make the same mistake with you."
She put a hand over his lips. "Don't. I had a Vulcan who told me he loved me. Right up to the moment he left me for another. Show me you love me—don't say it. I don't care about the words."
"Most wise. And most Vulcan."
"I am not that."
"I do not mind." He eased away from her. "Although we must be circumspect, I would still like to spend time with you alone. There is a new exhibit at the art museum."
"Anything you want." She smiled at him, saw him seem to relax. She thought it was at the pure joy in her expression.
"And dinner. At any restaurant you desire."
"I guess here in the apartment is out?" She grinned.
"Despite how good your teshanya was, staying here is not an option. I would not be able to honor the period of mourning were I to be alone with you in private for very long."
"You want me that much?"
He nodded. Then he looked away. "But perhaps you do not feel the same zeal. If that is the case then you must—"
He stopped talking because she was kissing him. At first, she thought he was shocked, but then he pulled her to him, his mouth opening, his touch more possessive than Spock's had ever been.
They finally pulled away.
"That enough zeal for you, Gramps?" She laughed softly.
"Indeed." He touched her lips, tracing the shape of her mouth, and his expression was so light, so unguarded, it made her feel a rush of tenderness for him. "Will you persist in calling me that when we are lovers?"
"Probably." She grinned. "Unless you ask me very nicely not to. Or think of other things I might like enough to give up that nickname."
"I will consider the best thing to offer."
"You do that."
##
Chapel was making dinner when she heard a flitter pull up outside, the sound of the door opening, then the pound of familiar feet.
"Malika," Saalen called and a trilling miaow answered him back from the upper level.
"Nice to know where I rate, kiddo. Below the damn cat."
"Hello, Christine. I missed you."
She laughed and went back to cooking.
"I, too, have missed you."
She nearly burned herself in surprise, turning to look at Spock. "A little notice. A cough. Anything?"
"I apologize. I did say I wanted to speak in private."
"So, we're doing this now?"
Spock moved into the kitchen, leaned against the counter at the side of the stove, the same place he used to stand in their apartment. "I have missed you."
She could feel herself tensing. "Since when? Since you left or just since Jim died?"
He didn't flinch, just nodded as if he'd been expecting an attack. "I regret that I could not stay with you."
"Did not stay. You could have."
He looked down. She had the feeling he was becoming frustrated with the way the conversation was going. Had he thought she could be so easily manipulated? A few heartfelt "I miss you's" and she'd be his again?
Because the problem was, she'd been his, but he'd never been hers. And she wasn't about to forget that.
"You know I miss him, too," she said. "You're not the only one who lost someone when Jim died."
"I am aware of that."
She turned the flame off the stove, put a lid on the pan to keep the food warm. "Why are you here?"
"Because I was bringing my son back to you. My son."
"Yes. He's your son. And I've never done anything to jeopardize the relationship you have with him."
"Have I told you how much I appreciate that?"
"Don't tell me now. I don't trust your motives." She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you want?"
"I remember our time together with warmth."
"And I remember my first kitten with warmth. But she's gone and she's not coming back. You should embrace that concept."
"Are you with McCoy again?"
"Spock, leave this alone. Who I see or don't see is not your concern." Which wasn't strictly true since it was his father she was seeing, but she had a point to make and she was damn well going to make it.
"Saalen would be happy if we were together. It would provide...stability."
"Provide? As in it's been missing? Listen, bucko, I was the one who stayed on Earth. I've been here for him while you were out gallivanting around the cosmos with Jim. And when I wasn't here, Saavik was. Or your father and mother were. Saalen has stability—it's you who don't."
He finally looked angry—and like he was seeing that he was not going to win this one. "I was in the boy's life as much as I could be. I included him with Jim—I did learn from my mistakes with Saavik."
"Yes, you did. And I'm not saying you're to blame for your choices. But don't you dare imply that he hasn't had a stable life. He's happy, and he's well adjusted, and I've made considerable effort to ensure he stays that way."
There was the stomp of feet upstairs and then Saalen came down and went into the living room, followed by his striped brown shadow.
She turned back to the stove, getting the flame going again and taking the lid off the pan. "I've got to get dinner on. I'd invite you to stay, but I've only made enough for two."
Spock looked at the pan, which held enough food for four people. "I see."
"Thank you for dropping Saalen off. I can't wait to hear what you two did. From him, I mean. Not from you."
"Yes. Your meaning was not lost on me." He looked into the living room, and she could tell he was watching Saalen. "Was what I did so terrible, Christine? I chose another, but you were always important to me."
"I don't want to be the runner up, the one who gets to wear the crown now that the real winner can't fulfill his duties. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that again."
"There will be no Jim to interfere." His voice was off, as if even he knew he was putting forward a weak counter.
"Spock, go away." She stirred the food, concentrating on the simple rhythm, trying not to say something she'd regret forever.
She heard him sigh. He stood a moment longer, then he left.
##
Chapel's comm panel pinged as she was getting ready to leave Ops. She rushed to get it, sure that it would be Commander Dhonna with information she'd asked for.
It was Sarek. She'd seen him quite often since their talk—and their kiss—but always with Saalen there, or in public if they were alone. He was honoring Amanda's memory the way his traditions required, and Chapel liked that. Respect was important to him.
She grinned at him. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I have been invited to a diplomatic function at Admiral Johnston's. It will be tedious. Would you like to accompany me?"
She started to laugh. "Is that your normal wooing technique? Because it needs work."
"We understand each other, do we not? Do I need to couch it in terms of romance?"
She thought about that. What had romance done for her that plain speaking couldn't? "No, it's fine. So I'm going as your...?"
"Companion."
"I was looking for the word 'date.' But I'll accept companion. Dress uniform?"
He nodded. "The admiral assumed I would come alone. I told him I would be bringing you. Was that presumptuous of me?"
"Uh, yes." She grinned at him. "You're lucky I like you, Sarek."
"I am indeed. I will pick you up at your house at six."
"See you then." She cut the channel, then commed her house. Amy answered, laughing as she did so. "Oh, Christine. We've been playing catch."
"Inside?"
"No, of course not." She rolled her eyes. "What's going on?"
"Can you stay late tonight? I have a function to go to."
"Sure. Could use some extra credits—there's a dress I have my eye on."
"Thank you. You're my hero. I'll be coming home to change and then I'll be out of your hair."
"I think I might take Saalen to my house, if that's okay? Jack's in town for training, and I haven't seen much of him. Saalen adores him. I can bring him back tomorrow after work."
"Sounds great. Tell your brother I said hi."
"He told me to tell you thanks for the recommendation to the Excelsior."
"It was the least I could do. For you, for saving my life so many times. And for the Fleet, because he's a great officer." She saw another comm alert, maybe this one was Dhonna. "Gotta go."
"See you tomorrow. Saalen, get your bags packed. We're going to see Jack." She cut the comm channel as she yelled, and Chapel smiled at her boisterous good humor. Saalen was in good hands.
She changed to the other comm, got the information she needed from Dhonna, and sent it on. The rest of the morning went by in a blur and she grabbed a nutrition bar for lunch.
Saavik came in near shift change, smiling at her as she stood near her station. "Do you want to get some dinner tonight?"
"Can't. Going with Sarek to some diplomatic thing."
Saavik's smile turned into a full-on grin. "Going with him. Or with him?"
"Never let it be said you haven't mastered the subtleties, my darling. If I say it might be the latter, would you disapprove?"
"Disapprove that the two people I love most in this world are spending time together? No, I would not disapprove. I expect details."
"That seems wrong. He's like your grandfather."
"Nevertheless, I would like to know if it went well. I do not need a play-by-play." She looked extremely pleased, and Chapel suspected it was at the use of the word.
"Good, because you're not going to get it." She turned to face her. "I was afraid you might be still rooting for Spock and me."
"He left you. Had he come back to you while Jim was still alive, I would have accepted it happily as the way things should be. But I do not think you should take him back now that Jim is gone. I believe it would bother you."
"You're not wrong." She leaned back. "He made an attempt. I wasn't receptive, so I don't think he'll try again."
"Imagine how awkward it will be for him if you become his stepmother." Saavik looked like the idea of Spock being uncomfortable made her a little bit happy.
"Be nice."
"I am being nice. I could be much more vicious if I chose. Lunch tomorrow, then. You can tell me whatever you deem acceptable to share with me." Another small smile and then she was gone.
##
Sarek was right on time, but she was ready—these days she could put on a dress uniform in her sleep. She'd taken a little extra time with her makeup and hair, and though he did not compliment her, she thought by the way he studied her that he noticed.
The flitter ride was too quick to worry about small talk, so she leaned back and enjoyed the ride, the silence between them easy instead of strained. Just before they arrived at Johnston's, she said softly, "Amy took Saalen to her house tonight."
Sarek looked at her, his eyebrow going up.
"Just making conversation." She grinned at him. "File it away or ignore it. Whatever feels best."
He nodded as if she'd said something very wise, and helped her out of the flitter. "I believe I do not wish to ignore this news."
"No?"
"No."
"Okay, then." She started to laugh softly as she walked next to him. This was the least romantic romance ever.
But if that was so, why did she suddenly feel so aroused?
Sarek was very solicitous and didn't leave her side, which was great until they ran into Spock at the other end of Johnston's large living room.
"Father." Spock's eyebrows came down as he studied them together. "I am surprised to see you here, Christine."
"She is with me, Spock." Sarek said it very mildly, as if he was saying Earth's sky was blue. And yet there was somehow still a declaration in there. And a warning.
Hands off.
It made her very happy.
She gave Spock her blandest smile. "It's good to see you." As soon as he mingled out of ear range, she turned to Sarek. "You didn't say he would be here."
"I was not privy to the guest list, Christine. Does it bother you for him to see us together?"
"No. I just thought I'd get some notice."
"If I had known, I would have told you. It is useful, in all honesty, for him to see us this way. Do you not think so?"
"You mean it'll save you from having to explain that you're dating his ex?"
"I would have found another way to phrase it, but yes." His eyes were light. "I enjoyed that interaction with him. Does that make me petty?"
"Yes." She grinned. "But also ruthlessly efficient. You came, you grabbed the girl, you put him on notice."
"And in Latin that is veni...?
She laughed. "I have no idea. If it's not a medical or biochem term, my Latin is rusty." She leaned in just a little. "So far, this is not tedious."
"I agree. With you here, it is not."
Spock seemed to avoid them during the evening, which made it easier for Chapel to relax with Sarek. She wasn't sure how Sarek did it, but he managed to make it very clear he was with her without ever being anything other than the perfect Vulcan.
"We have done our duty," he said, gently steering her toward Johnston. "Admiral, a pleasure as always."
"Thank you for coming." Johnston grinned at her. "Nice to see you, too, Christine. Oh and rumor has it you might want to polish your bureaucracy skills."
"Sir?"
"With Cartwright running off the rails, there's likely to be some movement in the upward direction. Lorcas is on the admiral's list that's coming out tomorrow—don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise. He's a shoe-in to take Cartwright's place."
"So acting head again, huh?" She made a face.
"Don't be so quick to put acting in front of the title. Captain's list is coming out tomorrow, too." He winked at her. "Well, I'll quit yammering and let you two get going."
As she and Sarek headed for the door, Sarek murmured, "Congratulations are in order."
"I guess so. I'm in shock." She smiled up at him. "But a good kind of shock."
He nodded, and looked very proud of her. She was glad he'd been there to hear it.
Spock was suddenly in front of them. "Father, you are leaving?"
"As you say, my son."
"Perhaps I should come with you?"
"No need to trouble yourself. Stay. Enjoy the evening." With a subtle push on her elbow, Sarek had them moving by Spock and out the door.
"Wow, you just completely outmaneuvered him."
"I am older and less bound by worry that I will be too human when I pursue what I want."
"True enough." She grinned at him. "I didn't mind."
"I am sure you did not." He hailed a flitter. "Do you wish to eat?"
"Would you think badly of me if I said no?"
"I would think you highly logical in not wasting time on an activity in which you have no interest."
"Then color me logical, kind sir."
He programmed her address into the flitter screen, then sat back. "I, too, have little interest in dining."
"Yeah?"
He nodded, did not look at her, but there was something about the set of his mouth that in a human would be a grin. Then he turned to study her. "I enjoyed taking you from my son. I should examine that at some point."
"Or not. You two have a rather competitive relationship at the best of times."
"And these are not the best of times?"
She thought about that. "If he wants me back, it's because I'm comfortable for him. Not because he can't stand the thought of not having me."
"Are you certain? I believe he did care for you deeply."
"Not deeply enough. And I don't want to go back there and grab him instead of staying with you. I think that says it all, doesn't it?"
He nodded.
"Are you having second thoughts?" she asked.
"No. I merely do not want you rushing into something you may regret later."
"It's been over a year since you came to Starbase Twelve, Sarek. And that's when everything changed for me. So, as far as I'm concerned, we've hardly rushed into this."
"Logical."
"I can be. For once logic and love may coincide."
"Most fortuitous." He helped her out of the flitter once it pulled in front of her house, followed her to the door.
"You can open it. You know you're on the access list."
"I did not want to appear overeager."
She grinned. "Open the damn door, Sarek."
"As you wish." He palmed the door open.
Once inside, they stood facing each other, and he reached out and very gently traced the curve of her cheek. She closed her eyes and sighed softly as he moved to her lips, his fingers gentle.
"You love me." He looked very satisfied, and she could tell he was reading that from the touch.
"I love you in so many ways, Sarek." She touched his hair, then let her fingers drop to his ear.
He groaned. "And I love you."
"I know." She moved closer, pressed against him.
He pulled her to him, no longer gentle, drawing her with him to the couch. He sat and pulled her onto his lap, his lips finding hers in a sweet kiss that quickly turned more passionate, more possessive. "You are mine."
"And you're mine?"
He nodded with no hesitation as he began to ease her uniform top off.
"That sounds wonderful."
##
Chapel woke to the feel of Sarek's hand on her leg, stroking, then moving higher. She laughed in an exhausted way. "You're insatiable."
"You make me so."
He said the nicest things. She smiled and closed her eyes, giving herself up to his hands and mouth. Moaning loudly, she rode it out as he took her higher and higher and finally let her fall. Then he was inside her, moving carefully, his eyes pressed shut as he called out her name over and over. The word clear and never in doubt: "Christine. Christine. Christine."
She dug her nails into his back just enough to feel good, but not to leave marks. She'd discovered last night that he seemed to like it—he seemed to like anything she wanted to do to him.
He collapsed against her, and she wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back.
"You will be late for work at this rate," he finally murmured into her neck.
She laughed.
Downstairs she heard the door slam, then the pound of running feet. "Christine?"
"Crap." What was Saalen doing here?
Sarek was off her in record time, but she could tell he was unsure what to do, so she said, "Just lie there like you have every right to be in the bed."
He pulled the covers up over them just as Saalen rushed into the bedroom through the door they hadn't bothered to close.
"Hello, grandfather," he said, then focused on Christine. "Jack is going to Mount Shasta to hike. He said I could go as long as you said it was all right. Jim used to go hiking."
"Jim used to go rock climbing."
Saalen shook his head. "This is just hiking, no climbing. Jack promised I'd be safe. Please?"
She saw how excited he was, thought it wouldn't hurt for him to be around a human male. "Fine."
"Thank you. Amy says hello." Saalen turned to go, then looked back. "Grandfather, are you all right?"
"Just fine, child."
"You seem quiet. When I sleep over with my friend Rodney, we talk all the time. Okay, bye." He was off.
She could feel Sarek relax beside her and she started to laugh. "I think we should be grateful he's such an innocent."
"I worry, though, that Saavik will hear about this from him."
"Saavik wanted to go to dinner last night. I had to tell her no."
Sarek shot a look at her.
"Don't worry. She's a fan of us. She and I are having lunch. I'll avoid giving her the gory details, but I'll tell her things have changed, how's that?" At his careful nod, she asked, "Did you think she'd be mad?"
"She has always been a advocate for you and Spock."
"Even she can see this is a better deal." She pushed him to his back. "Now, where were we?"
He relaxed under her touch. "Right there, I believe."
##
Chapel looked up to see Spock standing at the doorway to her new office. Things had moved quickly once she made captain—she was head of Ops for real.
"Congratulations on your promotion, Christine."
"Thanks." She didn't like the look in his eyes, like he was...angry.
"Is this a convenient time to talk?"
"Depends on what you want to talk about." She didn't smile, didn't try to make it easier for him. She was done being welcoming Christine, especially when he looked like he did right now.
He came in and sat down. "I wish to speak of you and my father. As you well know, my father and my mother had a long and happy marriage. He has recently lost her and is somewhat adrift. He may see you as a welcoming..."
"Port in the storm?"
"Yes. I worry that you have jumped into yet another relationship."
She tried to bite back a laugh, failed when it came out as a soft snort. "And you're a better choice for me? Is that what you're here to say?"
"We were happy together, Christine."
"I know. That's the hell of it. But part of the reason we were happy is because I got Saavik and Sarek. And wonder of wonders: you're gone but they're still here." She leaned in. "Moreover, everything you just said about Sarek could describe you."
"I realize that but—"
"What I have with your father is none of your concern."
"It is when my son finds the two of you in bed."
She hoped to God she wasn't blushing. "He told you that, huh? Did he also tell you that we were having a sleepover? He's too young to understand. He also, in his mind, sees me to some extent as his grandmother. Sarek is his grandfather. It probably makes sense to him that we're together. He's taken it in stride since that morning. And I never intended for him to see us: he was supposed to be at Amy's. He rushed in because Jack was going to take him hiking if I said it was okay."
Spock looked down. "Yes, he told me that part."
"Then what's the problem? You mean to tell me he never caught you and Jim in less than optimum circumstances? Because I remember a story about him bursting into the bathroom and seeing you two showering together."
"He told you about that?"
She nodded. "Kids do impulsive things. They see things. They don't usually understand what they're seeing. End of story. Your father and I will be more careful from here on out as I'm sure you and Jim were more careful." She leaned back, crossed her arms over her chest. "Have you talked to Sarek about this? Told him how I'm not suitable or how he is not in the correct frame of mind to form a meaningful relationship?"
"I have not. It would get me nowhere. He made it very clear the last time I saw him that you are with him."
"Then what's the problem?" She smiled, and knew it wasn't a very nice smile. "Is it that you just don't like knowing how Len felt."
His expression grew stony. "You never loved McCoy. You did love me. I hurt you when I left."
"And I knew you'd hurt me. I knew you wouldn't choose me. Now I have someone who is choosing me. And I'm secure with him. I trust him." She let the unsaid part dangle: that she didn't trust Spock. Would never, ever trust him with her heart again. Then she uncrossed her arms and smiled gently, could tell the change in her threw him a little. "Look, we've done a good job up to now raising your son. Me, you, Jim, Saavik, Sarek, and your mother. It's been unconventional, but he's used to that. I'm proud of him. Sarek and Saavik are too. Aren't you?"
"My feelings for my son are not at issue here."
"They are if you use him against me because you don't like me being with your father."
He shook his head and stood up. "I would not do that. He is an exceptional child. You have had a hand in his development, and I am aware of the debt I owe you for that. You did not have to raise him, probably would have preferred not to."
"Doesn't matter what I would have wanted. I have him and I love him."
"You had me and loved me, too, Christine."
"Look, I get that you're at loose ends. You lost your lover, your mother, and your protégé in one fell swoop. I'm sorry for that. But I'm not your savior, Spock. I can't be. You left me. When it mattered most, you left me. And the fact that I knew you would doesn't change the hurt you caused."
"So you will not forgive me?"
"I have forgiven you. I forgave you the minute I agreed that you'd be part of Saalen's life—and didn't try to turn him against you in any way. But I'm not going to forget it happened. And I'm certainly not going to take you back. Find a new person to love. I'm taken."
He looked down. "This will be most awkward at functions and dinners."
"No more than it has been with me there solely as Saalen's foster mom. This time I have a role. Your father's woman."
"Not his wife?"
She shrugged. "That's up to him. I don't care. I didn't care with you, why would I pester him about that?"
"If he loved you, he would marry you."
She could feel her jaw tighten. "I'm very busy, Spock. Was there anything else?"
He stood and studied her. "You belong with me."
"As second best? No thank you."
##
Chapel lay in bed, trying not to let the conversation with Spock play in her head.
"What is it?" Sarek asked softly. He was staying over more and more. They had sat down with Saalen and explained how things were between them—in the most general way, of course. Saalen's main question was if he would see his grandfather more with this new arrangement, and the answer that he would had pleased him greatly.
"Christine?"
"I had a weird talk with Spock today."
"What did he say?"
"A lot of bullshit." She glanced at Sarek to see if he would wince at her swearing; he took it in stride.
"If it was, in fact, that, why does it have you so pensive?"
"Let's drop it, all right? He was just trying to spin my head."
"And he clearly succeeded. Christine, tell me what he said that has you so upset."
She shook her head.
He pulled her to him and kissed her, moving down her neck to her chest, making her arch her back as he went to town on her breasts. "Tell me."
"That's not fair. I can't think when you do that."
"Then you will be too distracted to give me a creative excuse rather than an answer. Tell me."
"He said that if you really loved me I'd be your wife."
Sarek stopped what he was doing and moved back up where she could see his eyes. His were untroubled. "You are not my wife because I have not asked you yet. That does not mean I am not going to."
"You don't have to."
"I want to. You belong at my side. As my wife. I am not my son, content to let you dangle while I consider my options. You are my only option. You are the only thing I want." He kissed her, was unusually tender. "I had not asked you as we are still finding our way together. But I will ask you now, if you wish. I do want to marry you, Christine. I have wanted you for some time, and that desire has not waned with the having, as so often is the case."
She smiled. "No, it hasn't." She reached down and began to play with her favorite part of him.
He put his hand over hers, stilling her movement but not pushing her off. "I care for you deeply. I would like to make this a permanent arrangement. If you wish that?" When she did not answer, he said, "I realize the way I said that is not romantic in human terms, but I did just ask you to marry me."
She laughed. "I know."
"And your answer?"
"You love me. You've been in my corner since the beginning. I don't have to doubt with you. I don't have to question who comes first in your heart. I love you. I should say yes. But I don't want you to think you have to marry me just to shut Spock up."
He looked amused. "A rather drastic step for what would be, at most, a temporary state of affairs—my son cannot remain quiet for long. Especially if I am involved."
She grinned and conceded that fact with a nod.
"I will do this in a way that is perhaps more convincing." He began to move his hand over hers, and she tightened her grip on him, causing him to close his eyes. "Would you...consent to...marry me, Christine?"
She paused in what she was doing. "I'm sorry, Gramps, the words are swell, but you cannot propose while I'm giving you a hand job."
"Then I will ask later. Please continue."
She nuzzled his neck as she pleasured him. "Typical boy."
##
The embassy was full of people Sarek considered close colleagues. She had invited her friends as well. This was their first party given jointly. They mingled together, Sarek making it very clear how important she was to him by the attention he paid her.
Len came up to them with Nyota beside him. Neither of them looked particularly friendly. Chapel regretted Jan and Sulu being out on their ship—it would have been nice to have someone from the Enterprise here who still approved of her.
"Nice shindig, Christine." Len's eyes were bland, the acid kept down—for now.
"I made sure your favorite bourbon was stocked." Then again his favorite bourbon was a lot of people's pick so it hadn't been that big a deal. He didn't need to know that, though. Let him think she'd made an effort for him.
"Much appreciated." He nodded to Sarek. "Sir, I trust you prosper?"
"I do." Something in Sarek's voice told her he was knew about Len, even if he'd never mentioned her relationship with him. What hadn't he read from that damned meld with Jim? "We do."
"Ah, we." Len grinned at Ny. "There's a we, sugar. How do you like that?"
She gave Chapel a hug. "Just be happy." There was something in her voice that said she didn't think Chapel would be, or could be. Or was Chapel projecting?
"I am happy." She wanted to give them both an easy smile, a happy-go-lucky one. But there was something in the way they were looking at her that didn't feel easy or lighthearted. She straightened up. They didn't matter. Not anymore.
"We'll let you mingle," Len said. "Thank you for inviting us."
Sarek nodded, then turned his attention immediately to others waiting to talk to them. She smiled, knowing he was doing that for her. Showing her that her friend's approval was inconsequential to him.
She would make it inconsequential to herself, too. He was wise.
She saw Spock come in. He spoke with Len and Ny for a moment, then walked over to Sarek and her.
Sarek spoke before he could. "My son, you have met she who will be my wife?" It was the first time he'd mentioned their engagement, and there was a ritual formality to the question. She saw Spock's face tighten as he turned to Sarek.
"I did not realize you had—"
"Why should you, my son? I did not see the need to obtain your advice prior to asking the woman I care for to marry me." His eyes were hard, and Christine was surprised at what a clear message he was sending to Spock. That he knew what Spock had said to her. That he did not like what Spock had said to her.
That she and he had no secrets. And that he was willing to couch things in almost human terms to make a point.
"I offer congratulations. She is a woman of fine character." Spock glanced at her.
She smiled at him, knew there were a lot of things he could have said in place of that. Things that might have embarrassed her and Sarek. But he had chosen to temper the anger she could read on his face. The anger Sarek had caused on purpose.
It was a damn good thing she no longer cared very much about being a force for peace between them.
"Saalen is upstairs, Spock. He wanted you to see the model he's building. He said you'd appreciate it. I confess I didn't." She gave him the sweetest smile she could. The one that said, "I'm sorry. This is how it is now, but we don't have to make it painful."
As Spock nodded and headed toward the staircase, Sarek murmured, "You are kind, Christine."
"Yes, I am. It's my failing."
"I do not find it so. I was, perhaps, hard on him just then."
"You? On him?" She laughed softly. "Never."
"Unlike my son, I will never share you." His tone made it clear he was entirely serious.
"I consider that fabulous news." She saw Saavik come in and grinned at her. "Come say hello to our daughter."
At his look of surprise, she said, "In her heart, she's always had two fathers, Sarek. Spock and you. Didn't you know that?"
He made a considering face. "I did not. I have not always been a successful father to my sons. It is agreeable to think I did better with her."
"Some families are made, not born." She smiled, then leaned in as if to tell him a secret. "I am very lucky I found my way into yours."
His eyes were soft and indulgent as he said, "No, Christine, I am the fortunate one."
FIN