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Chapter Six

The Box Where My Heart Lays

Spencer hadn't said much to Hanna about what Aria had told her the other day, and she hadn't talked to Aria at all since. She was still trying to understand why Aria would do that to her. She understood mostly about why she needed to do that at the time, but why hadn't she told her somewhere down the road? To Spencer it wasn't about Aria protecting Spencer, it was about Aria protecting Aria. Aria was scared to tell her because of the outcome, and now look what's happened. It was a mess. She still didn't understand why Aria would just openly give Toby her address before even telling her. Actually she didn't understand why she would give Toby her address. Period. Sure, he wasn't the one who kept her hostage that night, but he was still a part of that sick team. He had to do something to be considered a part of it. Spencer wanted to know, wanted to know everything. A was gone, and maybe she could finally get the answers she needed from him. But would that just be opening the door for him to come back into her life? She didn't know what to do. So, she was talking to the only person who wasn't lying to her about Toby being back in town. She had only found out after Spencer told her, including the whole story but, leaving out Aria's big secret. She didn't know why she didn't tell Emily, Aria deserved all the wrath from her friends, but Spencer decided she wasn't worth it. It wasn't her lie to truth up to, it was Aria's. If Aria wanted to try and be a good friend, she would have to start by fessing up the truth.

"Does Toby know about?" Emily said glancing at the little boy playing with blocks on the rug, building the blocks up into a house, or castle, or school, or buildings, or whatever the little boy desired to make, then destroying the creation and restarting again. Spencer didn't know if he was just destroying his creations for the enjoyment of being a little destroyer like kind kong, or Stich, from Lilo and Stich, which happened to be one of his favorite movies. Or for the logical purpose of wanting to start again, and build something new. Spencer wished her relationship with Toby was like that. She wished she could restart as easily as it was with blocks, but she knew that wasn't possible. They had only spent about a year together, but in that year, so much had transpired between the two. She couldn't wipe her memories clean of him, like she had tried millions of times before, and her trust for him was completely crumbled. Asides from that, they had a son. Whom she loved dearly, and was the one reason she was glad her and Toby's relationship happened. But, he would always be a reminder of the past, always a reminder that they most certainly did have a past. Starting over with Toby, wasn't an option.

"No." She replied. She wasn't planning on him to find out either. She didn't trust Toby, and she didn't want him in her son's life. He may have been his biological father, but she wasn't going to let him be a father figure to her little boy. She didn't want him in a ten feet radius of her son. Although, she never believed Toby would hurt her, or put her in harms way she knew he had a darkness in him, and she wasn't going to take any chances. Her son was the most important thing in her life, and she would protect him till the death.

"Are you going to?" Emily asked moving her dark chocolate eyes back on her friend. Spencer just stared at her, sipping her coffee. Did she seriously not know the answer? Why would she tell him? Even if she trusted him in the slightest, why did he deserve to know?

"No," She said after accepting Emily's question. " I don't even know if I'm going to talk to him, Em."

Emily didn't say anything to this. She hadn't said much the whole time she was over. "What are you thinking Em? What's wrong?" She asked, genially concerned for her friend. But, as Emily opened her mouth to speak, the little boy came rushing over.

"Come look what I made!" He exclaimed happily, dragging onto his mother's hand, and after she stood up, he did the same to Emily. They followed him over to his small play area, and listened to him explain. The boy certainly did ramble, like his mother. He also loved to show off his achievements, like his mother. The little boy had made a whole town of things, using some of his books as buildings, and he even pulled out his play train which he circled around the city. "This is our house, and that's Auntie Emmies, and that's uncle Jasons, and that's Uncle Ezra's and Auntie Aria's." He pointed to an assortment of blocks that he constructed into houses. Spencer herself, wanted to be like her destructive son, and put Aria's house into pieces, but that would be immature, wouldn't it?

"Wow, my house sure is nice!" Emily exclaimed playfully at the little boy.

"Thanks," He beamed. "I made it just for you!" He said smiling. Emily nodded happily.

"Can you making a swimming pool for me?" She asked.

"Sure!" He said. "Mommy, can I have a bucket of water-"

"No. Definitely not." She laughed.

"Why?" He whined.

"You'll make a mess, and you know how much mommy hates messes."

"I'll be extra careful, I promise!" He said seriously, looking up at her with his big blue eyes, that Spencer found it so hard to say no too.

"I'm sorry honey," She said sympathetically. "Maybe you could draw a pool, and put it in the back yard?" She suggested. The little boy looked to be pondering a moment with the idea, before he exclaimed a joyous yes, and went off running to obtain his materials needed for drawing which were in his room.

"I'm sorry," Spencer sighed with a smile that mirrored Emily's.

"No, don't be." Emily said her smile still present as they walked back to their coffee. As they sat down, Emily gulped. "I just want what's best for you."

Spencer looked at her friend curiously. "What do you mean?" She asked.

"You've just been through a lot, you deserve to be happy." Emily said solemnly.

"Yeah, and so do you." Spencer smiled. "Don't worry about me, Em. I'll figure things out."

"He was my friend too, you know." Emily murmured with a sigh. "And I know I wasn't as close with him as you, but it stung me too when we found out who he really was." She admitted.

"I know," She said softly. She wanted to Emily the truth about Aria, but what was the point? What if Toby had done worse things? She needed to talk to Toby first, and she also needed to have a chat with Aria. Her other friends shouldn't be kept in the dark about this. It wasn't fair.

Although, Emily was still in the dark about a few things, she always gave people the benefit of the doubt. And Spencer needed that. She needed someone to tell her that she should talk to Toby because maybe things will make a little more sense. Maybe the pain will fully, and finally go away. "What should I do Em?"

"I think that you can't really do anything, without finding out the truth, once and for all." She advised.

"But what if he just lies again?" Spencer asked with a frown.

"I guess you'll just have to listen to your gut." Emily suggested with a small half smile. Spencer knew that she couldn't fully move on without listening to him, she knew that as if it was a fact she read in a text book. But, what happens if she mistakes her heart with her gut? What if she lets him come into her life again out of pure weakness? She couldn't. She needed to be strong, and this one conversation would be closure. It would shut the door on their relationship, and maybe she could finally be at a full peace. When one door closes, another door opens right? But what happens if that first closed door doesn't lock?

After reading the letter, she decided it was time. She cleaned her self up, and became determined. More determined than she had been in months. It was time to get rid of every reminder of Toby. First that rocking chair. At first she thought to give it to charity, but maybe she could burn it? He worked so hard on it, and all that work would be put to waste. Hell, who knows if he even made it. Maybe he bought it from some cheap garage sale, and then acted as if he was such a wonderful boyfriend, giving her gifts even when she wasn't talking to him. She decided she would burn it, lug it into her yard, and burn it.

Next was an assortment of CD's. She threw them to the ground, uncaring of the mess she was creating, and stomped on them. They broke into pieces, and the words on them varying from 'Spencer' to 'Spencer, I love you' shattered.

She went to her phone next, erasing his contact, and every picture they ever had together. Although erasing his contact wouldn't erase the seven digit number imprinted in her mind. And Erasing the pictures, wouldn't erase the images she had stored in her head of him, of their memories.

Next she went towards her bed, ever since she found out about his dark secret she had slept with a stupid fluffy stuffed monkey. He had won it for her at the fonder's day festival, when they were barely dating. She threw it in her small trash bin with a groan of frustration, and then went towards her closet. She had a few shirts of his, one being the one he gave her after their first time, she threw that one in the trash bin with more of a force than the other ones. But she stopped at the last one, the memories escaping her mind instantaneously. Not just memories of the shirt, or surrounding the shirt, but of their whole relationship. The good and the bad. How hard they fought for each other, and how many difficulties they went through to just be with each other. He seemed so sincere, so determined to fight the demons that kept them apart, but in reality he was one of them. He was the biggest reason they had parted all those times, she was just too love struck to notice... Spencer didn't even realize she was crying till now, as she saw a tear drop hit the blue shirt in her trembling hands.

The shirt held so much meaning. She had worn it the night at the motel. He gave it to her sweetly saying she couldn't be comfortable in her tie, and he was right. She wasn't comfortable at all. But, when she slipped on that blue shirt, she felt more comfortable than she had in what seemed like forever. He had even joked with her saying 'Top or bottom' and then cutely mumbled 'just kidding' before throwing the soft blue shirt, that smelled just like him, her way. Even though she said she was fine, he still gave her that blue shirt. Their relationship was always like that, he would know when she wasn't 'fine' and then somehow he would make her feel better. He would cheer her up almost with no effort, all he had to do was hold her, and that was enough. She fell asleep in his arms so easily, and he was her safe place to land, which she desperately needed. She just needed him.

Anchors are said to be a symbol of hope, and coincidentally the image on that blue shirt was an anchor. Even though things seemed to just be getting worse in her chaotic life, he always gave her hope. He gave her a reason to pull through, because he was her motivation. He kept her going when she thought the torture would never end, because it had too. It had too because then her and Toby could be together without all the secrets, all the lies, and all the dangers that strained their relationship. He was her main source of motivation, and now he was gone, and her motivation was running dangerously low.

She remembered when she had told him he was never getting it back, and he had said he didn't want it back. He had kissed her the first time while she was wearing this shirt. This shirt was the beginning of their relationship.

Instead of throwing it in the trash bin, like the rest of his shirts he had given her, she held it tighter, bringing it to her chest, and letting out a shriveled cry. Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to betray her? Why did he have to be that guy?

She couldn't part with the shirt, she just couldn't. She was still holding on to their relationship, and she hated that. She hated that she just couldn't let go, brush it off her shoulders, and move on. She hated how much of an effect he had-has on her. She use to be so strong, so immune to tears, and now she would be lucky if she was strong enough to last a day without crying.

She hoped it was the pregnancy hormones, she tried convincing herself that it was the pregnancy hormones, but she knew it was more than that. She knew she wasn't fooling herself when she said she was fine.

She fell asleep that night in that shirt, and strangely it was the best night sleep she had in a long time.

"Mommy, read anotherer one. Please?" The little boy asked, as his mother tucked him into bed. She sat on the edge of the bed, her hands firming the blankets around the little boy.

"It's already past your bed time, Noah." She said with a small laugh.

"I'm not even sleepy!" He exclaimed widening his blue eyes. "See," he said trying to wiggle out of the secure blankets around him, but he was too slow. His mother had caught his hands, and stopped him from going anywhere.

"Sleep. Now." She said firmly patting his little hands, he let out a whimper, and Spencer sighed.

"How about this?" Spencer asked softly. "I'll stay with you until you fall asleep,"

"Okay," He said softly. Spencer turned off the night lamp beside them, and he watched her do so. He scooted over, allowing her permission to come on his bed. She sat up, her back against the bed rest, and her legs leading down the bed. She wrapped an arm around the little boy, and he held onto her like she was one of his stuffed animals. Or 'Aminals' in his case.

"Can you make up a story mommy?" The little boy asked drowsily.

"I'll try." She murmured. "Once upon a time, there was a..."

"Pirate." The little boy chimed in.

"Okay, pirate." She sighed. "He was a pirate since birth," She went on. "He was born to a pirate mommy and a pirate daddy, but they lost him at sea. The little pirate boy was then raised by mermaids, and mermen. But, the little pirate boy began to know better. He began to realize he wasn't like the other children, he didn't have a tail, or gills. When he went to his parents, they told him the truth. They told him he was really a pirate, not a mermaid like them. The now, mostly grown up, pirate was furious. So he left. For a while no one knew where he had gone. There were rumors of him getting lost at sea, but no one was really sure. But, in that time that-" She went on, making things up from the top of her head, until she heard her little boys steady deep breathing. She smiled admirably at him for a moment, before slipping out of the bed, and once again pulling the sheets and blankets over him. She placed a light kiss on her son's forehead murmuring 'good night'. With one last glance, She quietly exited the room, and entered her own.

It was a Friday night, which meant Hanna was off at Calebs. Which also meant she was alone, leaving her mind to wander. Although, her mind didn't exactly wander far, it always ended up at the same place : Toby. At least for the last few days, that was. She couldn't stop thinking of him, about what she should do, their memories, and just the overall fact that he came back. She could finally get some, if not all, the answers she had questioned about for years.

She couldn't be alone right now, not with her thoughts. They would torture her. They would make her do stupid things. Although it was too late, Spencer found her self opening a box that she packed away so long ago. A box, that she promised herself she would get rid off. A box that she never planned on opening. It was a box full of reminders of him, things she couldn't get rid of during her execution of Toby Cavanaugh.

Most of it was stupid things. Things she didn't even understand why she couldn't just toss out. Like the madlibs from the night at the motel. Spencer gave such outrageous words to him, that it made Toby poke fun at her. They had finished the book completely, laughing at the ridiculous stories they created. He teased her about her wide range of vocabulary, that whole night actually. After Madlibs, they played a game of scrabble, and he had somehow beat her by using the word 'Goofball'. It mad Spencer mad, but later she began to smile at the memory. She actually began to smile at a memory, of her loosing , one of the things she hated most. She thought the boy was a wonder. He wasn't afraid to challenge her, and she learned to love that. But, now. She was trying her best not to break at the memory, she wasn't smiling, nor was she steaming with fury, but she was on the verge of tears.

She threw the mad libs book on the bed, and then went onto the next item. A picture he drew her. It was of her, and she was sleeping. She had fallen asleep one day when both were reading together, and then he decided to draw her. She teased him about watching her sleep, but he had told her she looked adorable. The portrait certainly was good, but maybe this was a sign. Someone had drawn the black swan's dress and who ever it was, certainly did have a artistic ability. The thought made her cringe, so she decided to set the paper down gently.

The next thing she pulled out, wasn't exactly unordinary. It was one of pictures she kept in her room of the two. It was the day she gave Toby his truck, the day he told her he loved her. After sharing their passionate kiss, Toby had told her she wanted a picture of her and the beige truck. Spencer giggled at his request, but nevertheless posed a smile in front of the truck as he took her picture. Jason, in viewing all this, said he would gladly take a picture of the two. Spencer had been wary of Jason at this time, but Toby had mumbled a reluctant "okay," before handing his phone over, so Jason could capture their precious moment. Each time she saw the picture, she became happier, and happier that Jason had taken the picture. She liked the picture so much, that she sent it to her phone, and printed it out to put in her room. The quality of the picture wasn't the best, especially now after quite some years, but the memories that filled the picture were blissful and magical. She never knew why she loved that picture so much. Probably because at that time, they were so happy. Even though both sets of parents didn't support the two, they managed to be together, happily. It was before they hit any huge ice burgs. Their relationship was still new and just simply perfect.

The next morning she woke, she found herself in his shirt. In that faded blue shirt that caused so many giggles, so many good night sleeps, so many kisses, and so many tears. But on that morning, she simply just mumbled a 'dammit.' she didn't cry, she didn't yell, she didn't let it get to her. She simply pulled it off, and switched into her outfit for the day. Afterwards, she cleaned the mess she made the night before, took out her garbage, and told her dad she was going to need some help moving a certain rocking chair out of her room.

After doing all that, she continued what she started the night before: getting rid of anything to do with Toby Cavanaugh. Although, some things weren't that easy to part with. Some things she just couldn't part with, at least not yet. For now, she would pack them away. She would pack them away for the future, when she will be was stronger, and could officially decompose of the items. For now though, she would pack those items up, along with the feelings, the words he had said, and the memories they created. She would attempt to move on, and pull through. She wouldn't let some silly boy ruin her life, she was Spencer Hastings, she was better than that. She would turn her life around, if not for herself, for her unborn child.

For starters, she would finally get rid of A. Once and for all. But to do that, she was going to have to forgive her friends because she couldn't do this alone.

The lump creating in her throat began to hurt, and she couldn't hold it in anymore. A sob escaped her, and she forced her self to put down the picture, moving on, still in tears. Finally, she pulled it out. The shirt. His shirt. The first shirt he gave her. Her favorite shirt.

The faded blue shirt, with the anchor in the right corner. To most it was just another shirt, but to her it held so much meaning. Feeling the material in-between her fingers again was enough to send dozens of tears down her face. She had forgotten how easily she could break. She forgotten how fragile she was, and how something like a silly shirt, could trigger hundreds of tears. When opening that box, it was like, setting free all of the pain she had packed in all those years ago. It was a feeling of relief, but also a feeling of dread. A familiar feeling of sorrow, and sadness.

Being overwhelmed by the outcry of emotions, she stuffed the things back into the box once again. She stripped of her clothing, and then crawled into her bed, silently crying. She ended up crying her self to sleep, and would awake with glistening tear stained cheeks, and puffy eyes. The pain from the day would be washed away, and she would start anew. She would become stronger and stronger with each day, until there was no more tears. And then she could set her self apart from the box, that held so many feelings, and so many memories. She could move along from the box of emotions, and Toby Cavanaugh all together.

Maybe, she wasn't strong enough today... But the day would come.

Sooooooooo. I know this chapter was a little slower, but I was planting some seeds, here and there. The flashbacks will keep telling more of the story of what happened to A, and about Spencer's pregnancy, and everything else. (: So yeah, this was more of a slow chapter, but I actually liked it better than my last two, because idk why but i was really iffy on those, (like the writng style) but yeah, I'm gonna stop rambling now.

So I hope you liked it! THANK YOU once again for the lovely reviews. Please keep them up, they make me feel motivated to write more. (: Okay I love you all, bye bye bye.