Wow I really suck at updating, don't I? lol, okay, well this isn't that long, but IM SORRY OKAY. I'm not consistent. But, I'm on break now, and I'll try to get up as many chapters as I can while i'm on break, but finals are also coming up so lol fml. But anyways, thank you so much for the awesome reviews! Honestly they mean so much. I just adore them, okay thank you, i love you guys. xoxo Cat

Chapter Seventeen

Spencer Hastings promised herself a few things after finding out her boyfriend had pulled the ultimate betrayal on her; the first being never talking to Toby Cavanaugh again—broken—the second, not falling in love with anyone else ever again, because that really just means falling for someone's shit—that promise was still in tact, for now anyways—and the third no longer hoping for anything. Spencer was never one to believe in hope; most of the time it just brought forth misery, and the idea of hope, never occurred to her as a good feeling. If you don't hope, you aren't disappointed; you aren't doomed with the pain that could so easily be ignored. Spencer believed all this most of her life, but at the age of sixteen, Toby Cavanaugh, planted the idea in her head, that hope was a good thing, that hoping for something is a way to escape the present and live in the brighter future, for a few seconds. She thought he was right, for awhile, she hoped, she hoped every single day, visualizing herself happy, away from all the commotion of –A, and live a normal life. She pictured herself as a successful lawyer, married (to Toby, but she won't admit) and maybe even a mother of one or two children, but of course, all of that vanished after she found out Toby wasn't who he said he was (except, for the being a mother part of course). Her bright future dimmed, and became foggy, and defiantly didn't look inviting. She lost her escape, and was filled with crushed dreams, and disappointments. So she wonders, how, even after all of that, experiencing firsthand the heavy baggage hope carries; she is still hoping. Hoping for something, that is simply just ridiculous, that she can't fathom, how idiotic she is for hoping for such a thing. She is hoping to be one of those families, those families she see's everywhere, the ones that always seem to be judging and mocking her , the ones that she see's at the park, or at the ice-cream parlor; those families, that involve two parents versus one, those families that, as far as she knows, don't involve a morbid past. Even when she was a child, she would look at those families, and pretend her family was the same, but they weren't. The Hastings family was dysfunctional, and she did have two parents, but at times she felt like she didn't even have one. Now, she sees history repeating itself; when Noah comes home, and tells her that they were supposed to make something for their father, but he couldn't, when she see's children being picked up from the small preschool, or kindergarten, by presumably their father, whatever the situation, her heart aches, her heart aches for the little boy, because he deserves more. He is so innocent, and helpless, to the situation. He was just a tiny embryo when all hell broke loose, none of it was his fault, but yet he has to pay for the consequences. She tries to be the best mother she can be, but she can be the best mother in the world, but that still won't replace the position of his father.

When she was in the toy store, she saw herself in the position of those other families, she saw Noah, and his father, and she was his mother; they were a family for a moment, even if neither Toby nor Noah knew that. She saw it. She was in the shoes of one of those families she sees at the park, and ice cream parlor, except that was just the surface. In reality they were dysfunctional, they're pasts were dark and morbid, but for a second, a tiny second, it didn't feel dysfunctional, or wrong, it felt right. It opened a tiny of window of hope, that they could be one of those families at the parks, or at least close to that. She knew it was ridiculous, she knew the chance of that happening was equivalent to the chance that Hanna would wear flats to her wedding ceremony, but as crazy as the idea was, she still hoped for it. She couldn't stop herself from hoping for it, for hoping for Noah, but she knew hope was just another pathway to eternal misery.

"Spencer, what are you staring at?" Hanna asked, trying to lock her blue eyes on whatever Spencer was so distracted on (which was beyond the huge glass window; the small park across the street, from the small café) "Is there some hot guy outside, because I don't see anything. Maybe, I need glasses because, like, honestly all I see out there is a bunch of annoying children, a obnoxiously bright playground, and a bunch of cars driving past us, that are most likely ten times better than the HanMobile I drive around it." Hanna said, taking her eyes of the site outside, and returning them to one of the thousands of bridal magazines she now owned.

The only thing that got Spencer's attention, was the fact that Hanna just said HanMobile, "Did you just say HanMobile, like the Batmobile, but instead; Hanmobile." Spencer said, narrowing her mocha eyes on the blonde, who's attention was completely focused on her bridal magazines. If Hanna studied her books as much as she studied these bridal magazines, she would probably passed with A's instead of C's.

"Caleb started calling it that," She said, looking up at her friend. "I guess it sort of caught on? I don't know, it doesn't really matter, what matters is what you think of these." She slid the magazine closer to Spencer, keeping down the page with her thumb.

Spencer looked at the page; on it was a pair of white stiletto heels patterned with white lace. "They're...cute." Spencer offered, keeping her eyes on the shoes. In a swift movement, Hanna pulled the magazine back, shut it with more force than needed, and slammed it onto the small round table.

"Cute? Cute!" She exclaimed, clearly frustrated. "I don't need cute, I need elegant, something that will stand out." Hanna said, rubbing her temples, like a post and modern day stress filled Spencer Hastings. "I want something that will make people go; Wow, look at how amazing she looks," She muttered, Spencer was beginning to wonder if Hanna was talking to her or herself.

"Hanna…you do realize no one will be able to see your shoes right?" Spencer asked her friend.

"It doesn't matter, I'll still see them!" She exclaimed, the tone of her voice, being a signal to Spencer that she needed to stop herself from saying anything else, or she would be walking out of this café without a head.

While Spencer let Hanna cool over, she decided to take the opportunity to text Jason to see how Noah was doing, without Hanna saying "You're smothering him!" or some other rude comment.

At first Spencer was angry with Jason. He knew that Ezra was involved with the N.A.T. club, and he never even told her. Wasn't he supposed to look out for her? But, after awhile, she decided that that's all he was to him. He wasn't aware of Ezra's other devilish acts. All of the N.A.T. club stuff was behind them, and there was no point in bringing it back up. Ezra wasn't a threat, Spencer knew he was just looking out for Aria, but that didn't make it right, but nevertheless, Jason also knew Ezra wasn't a threat. He was just sucked into some pervy club, that turned into something much more morbid than anticipated.

She was so distracted with writing her text, that she didn't even notice the short brunette coming up to them, with a helpless look on her face.

"Um, hi" Aria spoke wearily, glancing at Spencer once, before placing her full attention on Hanna.

"Aria, you don't have to keep coming to these appointments with me, you know." Spencer told her friend, as the woman spread the cold gel on her stomach.

"Are you trying to like get rid of me or something?" She teased, with a giggle. "Come on Spence, I already love this kid to bits and pieces, I want to be here." She told her friend. "Besides, we find out if it's a boy or a girl today, how can I not be here?" She went on.

Spencer didn't even have to glance at Aria to know it was her, she knew Aria's voice as well as she knew the back of her hand. Instead, she just shot a deathly glare at Hanna, who ignored her completely, stood up and welcomed Aria with a friendly hug. Spencer cringed, if only Hanna knew the truth.

"Spencer, I invited Aria here, because this feudal war has been going on for far too long." Hanna announced, stepping to the side, an arm still around the tiny brunette, and her other arm attached to her hip. "You guys are team freaking Sparia, so get your shit together, and make up. I'm going to go get another latte, try not to kill each other." She said, narrowing her blue eyes on Spencer on the last phrase.

Spencer watched Hanna leave, still making no eye contact at all with her former best friend. If Hanna just knew the truth, she would understand, she wouldn't be trying to make a menace for them, she would kick Aria out of her wedding, and possibly never speak to her again, so why didn't she just tell Hanna? If Hanna knew, she would defiantly be crushed, as would Emily. Both of their lives were so good right now, this would just plummet them back to the same drama high school brought them. Some secrets should just stayed buried forever, and Spencer decide this was one she would take to her grave. "Spencer," Aria acknowledged after a second, loud enough for Spencer to hear, but soft enough, that the man five feet away from her, wouldn't. "Why haven't you told Hanna?"

"It will hurt her more than anything, and you know it. Besides, you aren't a threat…and…. I don't really think Ezra is either." Spencer admitted slowly, finally meeting Aria's hazel eyes.

"I'm…" She inhaled, "Is there any chance, you would ever forgive me?" Aria asked, more or less, begged.

"So, is it a boy or girl?" Aria asked eagerly, unable to keep her patience any longer.

The doctor looked at Spencer, "Are you sure you want to know? Some people enjoy the surprise." She said dryly. She wasn't a big fan of team Sparia. She thought Spencer was too young, which was true, but it wasn't any of her business.

"Yes, yes, please." Spencer requested.

"You're having a boy." The doctor announced with a sigh, clearly annoyed.

But, Spencer and Aria, didn't let the doctor's annoyance affect them. Spencer smiled brightly, she had a feeling it was a boy. She would have loved her baby either way, but she wanted it to be a boy. Even when she was younger, and she pictured her self maybe having children, she wanted a boy. That way, he couldn't end up in some posse that mirrored Alison's posse.

Aria gripped her arm, and lightly jumped up and down. "Oh my god, you're having a little boy!" She squealed.

"Look, I don't…" Spencer sighed, letting her eyes fall on her fidgety fingers placed on the stack of bridal magazines. "I don't know…" She had to admit she missed Aria; her fellow book work, her old movie marathon buddy, her other half, but what Aria did was horrible. Even if Spencer Hastings held the capability to forgive and forget, she would be doing it for the wrong reasons, she would simply just be doing it because she missed her. One of her other promises she made to herself was that she wasn't going to listen to her irrational heart anymore, all that brought was bad decisions and heart ache, instead she would go with her head, and her head said to stay away from Aria. "I'm not going to tell Hanna…or Emily, or anyone for that matter, but I don't think I can be friends with you." She rejected her.

Aria nodded her head to the ground, "I understand." She said in a mumble, a silence falling upon them after that. Neither knew what to say. Aria was almost afraid to say anything, she knew Spencer, she knew that giving her space, and time, was the best thing to do in this type of situation. Although Aria had a horrible feeling that she could give her all the time, and space, in the world, but it wouldn't be enough to patch up their broken friendship.

"I should probably go." Spencer finally said-after what seemed like a century of silence—picking up her almost empty coffee, and purse, before attempting to stand up.

"No, wait." Aria stopped her hesitantly, "You stay, I'll go."

"No, really… I need to do something anyways..just tell Hanna I'll see her at home, okay?" Spencer requested, standing up, and throwing her purse over her shoulder.

"Um, okay…" Aria responded with some hesitation. She watched her friend go off, uncertain of when she would see her again.

"Oh, this one is from Aria," Spencer announced with a smile, looking across the room, at her tiny best friend. She ripped the adorable wrapping paper (storks flying with a baby blue background), and saved the white ribbon. She pulled out a small knitted dark blue baby beanie, and her grin extended, while her brown eyes beamed. "Aria, did you make this?" Spencer asked her friend.

Aria nodded, and told her that there was more than just a beanie in the box.

Spencer set the beanie down gently in her lap, and continued to look through the box. She pulled out a parenting book, and flashed a warm smile at her best friend. Spencer Hastings was always a worrier, and she worried deeply that she would fail as a parent. That she would end up being worse than her own, and destroy her future son's life. This book is just what she needed. "Thank you." She told her best friend genially.

"I smell hamburgers," Spencer yelled as she stepped inside her half-brother's house, (he had made her a key). The smell was featured with sounds of footsteps, becoming louder and louder as the seconds passed by.

The little boy greeted her first by exclaiming "Hi mommy! Here I drawed you a doggy!" He said holding out the paper towards her, she took the paper from him, and smiled at the sight of it.

"Oh my goodness, it's a masterpiece," She cooed. "What did you name it?" Spencer asked her son.

"Toby" The little boy told her. Spencer's eyes bugged and her face tightened , as she nodded her head stiffly. Toby had made quite the impression on the Noah, now Noah just had another person to ask about (the other person being Aria of course) and Spencer would just have to offer another excuse of why he couldn't see them.

"Yeah, Spencer, isn't that a awesome name?" Jason said, his eyes deadlocked on hers, Spencer felt like a dear in headlights, here comes more lies and false explanations!

"Noah, why don't you go draw another picture…for Hanna?" Spencer offered her son.

"Okay!" He said before running off. Spencer sighed as she slipped her hands into her pockets, and hesitantly looked up at Jason, he didn't even know Toby was back, let alone, that she was communicating with him.

"So, Toby's back in town?" Jason asked softly. Spencer barley nodded her head before Jason continued to talk "Do you want to have a hamburger? Talk about this? Because..." He shook his head lightly, looking flustered, and his gaze filtering off to something else entirely. "I'm sort of confused, about this all."

Spencer sucked in a breath, "Sure,"

She was on her way to getting better, on the road to recovery at least, she was actually talking to her therapist now, and that was a good start. She was letting more people in, not strangers, but she was opening up to her friends again at least, and surprisingly, Jason too. He always worried about her, but she knew he cared, probably more than her whole sister Melissa, and her parents were too busy, to take time out of their day, to talk to their youngest daughter. She knew they still weren't happy that she was pregnant, that while most high school graduates were getting ready for college this upcoming autumn, while she was eight months pregnant, living at home, but they could at least pretend they cared.

"Jason, you didn't have to get me anything," Spencer told him with a half smile, as she took the gift from him, glancing at him once and then letting her attention fall to the poorly wrapped gift.

"Oh shut up Spencer. Aria told me your baby shower was on Sunday, and since I wasn't allowed to come-"

"Along with the rest of the male population," She added. "Well besides, this little boy right here." She cooed, as she placed her free hand on her round bump.

"You still haven't decided a name?" He asked.

"Not yet." She said simply.

"Well, you know, Jason, is still up for grabs." He offered playfully.

She rolled her eyes, "No thanks." She scrunched up her face, in fake disgust, as she looked up at him again.

"Fine, fine." He chuckled softly, "Anyways, you seem to be in a better mood than you were the last time I saw you." He pointed out gently.

She shrugged her shoulder, her smile fading, "I guess." She mumbled.

"Has he called at all?" Jason asked hesitantly. She shook her head lightly, keeping her eyes on the poorly wrapped present. She knew exactly who Jason was referring to; Toby. "Surely, he had to have seen all of this crazy ass shit, on the news at least. I can't believe he just wouldn't care." Jason went on in disgust. Like most, Jason didn't know the whole story, all he knew was that Toby left town, and never came back. He didn't know why, or what drove him out, just that he left town. Spencer told him that he got a job offer he couldn't refuse, and that their relationship was withering away, so he took it. Of course, this lie was still left with questions, but it was the best she could come up at the time. "You two seemed so happy...that is whenever I saw you..I remember the first time I saw you guys, as a couple, I was still investigating if you were my sister or not, and Toby was working for me. You gave him this truck, and then I took a picture of you two in front of it." Jason remembered. Spencer's eyes began to water, as the memory invaded her mind, what Jason didn't know, was that, that was the first time Toby said 'I love you'.

"Yeah, can we just, not talk about Toby." She sniffled, blinking away her forming tears.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Spence." He shook his head lightly.

Spencer sat down in front the meal Jason prepared for her; a hamburger, sweet potato fries, and some baby carrots. If she has food in her mouth, than she'll have more time to come up with the awful lies she'll be feeding him. She didn't like lying, but lying was easier. The truth was complex, and complicated. Honesty was never a major aspect in her life, even though she wishes it was, she is cursed with these complex lies and dishonesty. "So," Jason began talking, as Spencer picked up her burger to take a chomp out of it. "How long has he been back?"

Spencer swallowed the bits and bites of hamburger left in her mouth before she answered, "Some time during the summer." She said solidly.

"And..." His voice awaited for more.

"And," She stiffened her posture. "That's about it. Nothing else happened." She lied.

"Then why is Noah naming his fictional dog; Toby?" Jason pressed.

"Um," She mumbled, twirling her sweet potato fry in a puddle of ketchup. "We ran into him..at the toy store, and he must have left an impression, but that's it!" She exclaimed, before stuffing the fry inside her mouth.

Jason studied her carefully, "So, you didn't tell Toby?" He asked after a second. She shook her head, as she chewed on her burger. "Are you going to?"

"Probably not." She declared with a sigh, "It's all too complicated." She said glumly, picking up another fry.

"Look Spencer," Jason sighed. "I'm not the biggest, Toby fan. I mean, I kind of hate that guy, because he left you, but, I love Noah. And we both know, that kid deserves a dad." Jason said looking off at nothing particular, "Neither of really had great childhoods, and I don't want Noah to have a bad childhood, and I know you don't either. So, if you can, work things out, with Toby, you should. For Noah's sake." Jason said hesitantly.

Spencer let her eyes fall on her plate of half eaten food again. Jason was right; Noah deserved better, he deserved a lot better, but Jason was so clueless. He had no idea what was stopping her from giving Noah what he fully deserved. She didn't even know if she could trust Toby. How was she ever supposed to trust him with the most important person in her life; Noah. She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew one thing, she wasn't going to let any one hurt Noah. "I know," She closed her eyes briskly, "I know, I know," She repeated. "You are right, but I don't know...I just don't know how to even fix things with Toby, where to begin, everything is so messed up.." She mumbled, mostly to herself, forgetting for a quick moment that Jason was sitting right there.

"Well, you could start by being friends, maybe even telling him about Noah..." Jason suggested.

Spencer glanced up at him, "Yeah...maybe." She murmured, sticking another fry into her mouth.