"The stalemate must be broken." Words are coming out of Kate's mouth but they make no sense. "But someone has to loose. I think you've lost Daniel. But you can't accept it."
I've lost? I've lost what? My sanity obviously, but have I lost my life as well? I walk over to the bullet and stand in front of it. That unalterable path takes it just to the left of my heart, a placement that is very hard to survive. I blink back the tears that I feel creeping to my eyes and swallow the lump that is rising in my throat. This is just a piece of the puzzle. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I'm alive. Either way I'm caught up in my head, and I need to get out of it, weather it is to move on or to wake up.
"You have to lose Daniel." Kate's voice surrounds me again. I blink once more and something flashes, a lot like the spark of the gun, causing me to crouch in fear.
"KATE?" I yell.
"What?" She replies in a monotone voice.
"Kate did you see that?"
"See what?" This is unreal. There's no way I'm seeing things that aren't there inside a delusion. That's not possible, my mind can't be playing tricks inside of tricks. Then again, I am a genius. I blink and it flashes again. I look over and gauge Kate's reaction. There is still no recognition on her face.
"You have to break the stalemate," she says, "But before you do, I have a question for you. You're scared to love me, and you have so many reasons. But why are you so paralyzing terrified that I might love you?" I smile gruffly.
"Why does it matter now?" I might be dead, I might be dying, I might be making a recovery, but it hardly seems the time to confront this.
"Oh it always matters Daniel. You're the scientist; ask the questions. What's so terrible about the idea of me feeling the same way about you that you do about me?"
I blink furiously but the world keeps flashing bright white, and I walk closer to Kate instinctively to try to protect her from whatever is happening. I look around analyzing the scene; taking in all the clues my mind is giving me.
"Are you just ignoring me now?" Her voice is impatient. I turn to face her and see just how much of a coward I am. Here she is and here she's been the whole time, but I can't bring myself to do anything. Whether I do the right thing or the wrong thing, I can't keep tugging her along like this. I need to do something.
"There are some things that I can't admit to myself." Her smile is small and sorrowful.
"You have to break the stalemate Daniel." She practically whispers it, and I know that this time she's not talking about the bullet. I avert my eyes from her face and look down.
Blink. Flash.
Blink. Flash.
She's right, I have to end this now because I can't stand it anymore. There's pressure from all directions, Kate's inquiries, the encroaching bullet, but time just won't pass. I'm stuck in this puzzle, I'm stuck in this moment, I'm stuck in my relationships, I'm stuck in my life and I'm stuck in my mind. I'm pulling myself down through mud. I'm trapped in quicksand and I'm not even climbing. I'm being attacked and I'm not even fighting. I'm a coward and a recluse and a paranoid schizophrenic and I've been hiding behind all of it to shelter myself from the fact that I can't bring myself to live. And it's taken this, it's taken literally staring at death for what seems like forever but is not measurable time, to make me realize that I don't want to anymore. I want to live, I want to climb Kilimanjaro, or at least think I might someday. I want to dream again, like I did when I was younger.
"But everybody thinks like that. Everybody wants to be younger." Kate responds to my thoughts, which I suppose shouldn't surprise me since she's part of my mind. "Everybody wants to have it all ahead of them again. And everybody affirms their life when they're faced with their death and running on adrenaline. Question is will you really act on it?"
Blink. Flash.
Blink. Flash.
I've got to. I plant a light kiss on Kate's forehead and let her go. I walk, with purpose this time, to stand in front of the bullet. Breath in. Blink. Flash. Breath out. Blink. Flash. I have to lose to this mad man, and I have to lose to my madness. I have to let it win or I will lose myself. I have to break the stalemate, and I have to lose. I look up straight at Kate, locking her eyes with mine.
"Just remember who you'll take down with you." She says softly. Then she says my name, but she doesn't. Her mouth isn't moving, she's just staring at me. Yet her voice echoes around the room.
"Daniel." I see the deathly metal start to move again. I can lose. I can let this happen. I can let myself lose and win in the process, because I choose this. I am ending this delusion, it will not control me, I can lose.
"Daniel." Her mouth still doesn't move, and her voice sounds far away. I take one last breath and close my eyes. Everything flashes to bright, blinding white.