Chapter 24: Part One
His breath swept past her mouth, leaving sloppy kisses all along her neck. His breath hot and uneven; stifling almost. His mouth met back with hers in an instant, their electric lips sparking against one another at mere touch. Her lips were dynamite, and he was the match. The immediate impact of his lips on hers caused explosions—dangerous and treacherous, explosions. But, maybe that was the hidden factor of the utmost difficult equation regarding why she found him irresistible—she liked the danger; the challenge, although she would never be one to admit it. Regardless, the constant notion her mind created to stop her from being with him just made it all that more appealing.
His tongue traced the outskirts of her mouth, with her permission, his tongue roamed the depths of her oral cavity. She gripped at the nape of his neck, pulling out the tiny fibers of hairs settled on the back of his head.
She leaned into him more firmly, casting her hands down his back, and around to the front, her fingers working the buttons furiously off his shirt. Their mouths parted for a second to collect the oxygen their lungs so desperately strived for. She pushed his shirt off him, past his shoulders, her hands graciously running past his bicep and downwards. Still inches away—practically centimeters, she pulled off her own shirt, watching as his eyes scanned her body with a certain lust and awe that was only reserved for her.
He kissed her again after a moment, plummeting them both back down to the mattress beneath them. Her skin was boiling. She had no doubt that she was sizzling, frying Toby's lips as he graced her with melting kisses up and down her neckline. But, all at the same time she had goose bumps forming on her back.
His jeans grinded against her legs, and she had a burning desire for them to vanish—every ounce of her being wanting the pants to just disappear, and be replaced with his raw skin—leaving no layers between his skin and hers. In a flash, his jeans were off. And her clothes were gone too, now. There was nothing left to separate them. They were completely bare; revealing all they had.
She woke up, sweat dripping down her neck, and gathered on her forehead. She sat up, clutching the blankets to her chest. She looked around. She was clothed. There was no Toby, certainly not a naked Toby, nearby. It was dark—pitch dark. Her alarm clock read 4:56. It was just all just dream.
She let out a sigh of relief, as her head propped against the head board. Itwasjustadreamitwasjustadre amitwasjustadream she kept repeating to herself, but that didn't quite expiate the exceeding speed of her heart rate.
This wasn't her first dream like that she's had about him. She's actually been having a lot like those lately, well ever since a couple weeks ago when they started to hangout again.
Hanna seemed to take it…well—considering the circumstances. She no longer scowled his name, and interrogated him on the schemes of his life. It was a start. A slow, gradual start.
She understood why Hanna has her worries. She thinks she'll fall right back into his arms. But, Hanna is wrong. She has self control, she isn't just going to fall right back into his embrace. These dreams…were just dreams. Dreams don't mean anything.
After a few minutes of sitting there—catching her breath, and trying to convince herself, that dreams were stupid, and should not be taken seriously, she decided she needed a glass of water. Maybe that would help her nerves.
She tiptoed into the kitchen, being sure not to wake up Hanna—god forbid—or Noah.
She thought she was successful in doing so, but clearly she was wrong. When she turned around from filling her glass with water, there was Hanna, standing in front of her sporting a messy bun, and old pajama pants from high school.
She nearly dropped her water at the sight, her skin arising the same goose bumps that she just distinguished a few minutes ago.
"Hanna!" shrieked Spencer in a whisper.
Her free hand fled to cover her chest, as she caught her breath, for the umpteenth time in the past ten minutes. "Why are you up?"
"It's 5" replied Hanna, bumping past her to start the coffee machine. "I'm always up at 5 on the weekdays which is why I get so pissed at you when you are screaming at 8 in the morning on Sunday; usually my only day off. Why are you up?" She turned around, leaning against the counter.
Spencer hesitantly spoke up. "Bad dream."
"Tell me about it, I had a dream that my dress came and it was two sizes too small."
Spencer forced a laugh.
"Well, I don't want to keep you up or anything—disturbing people from their sleep, what a sin" said Hanna dramatically.
Spencer rolled her eyes.
"Right" agreed Spencer "Even if it is only two hours, I need it."
She set her cup in the sink, and departed back to her room.
But, she didn't sleep.
She couldn't.
Her mind was too absorbed with Toby Cavanaugh to do so.
Everything with him. It was so much better. Literally everything.
With him in her life, it was just better.
He changed her perspective on things.
Like back in high school—before everything went wrong, before they even dated, before she even stepped onto his porch on that fine Fall day, she had never wanted a family of any sorts—she didn't even want to get married.
She always looked down on marriage, and having children. Marriage didn't last. She didn't see the point. You could get divorced, or annulled; completely throwing away the "promise" you made. It was a waste of time and money. Marriage didn't mean anything. It was all for the vanity; the accessories that came with it.
Besides, even if marriage wasn't pointless, she didn't believe love could last that long; lifetimes worth. Love faded. It was an emotion. No emotion lasts forever. Every emotion goes away every now and then. When you're happy, you aren't always at your high, and when you're sad, you're not always at your low, that's just how it worked. Emotions altercated. Love was not an exception.
And as for family; bringing children into the world. Her rejection of this mostly came out of fear. Fear that she would be a horrible parent, fear that the awful world would bring them down—like it did her, fear that she would end up just like her parents—uncaring and always on the move; void of any ounce of unconditional love.
Then there was just the fact, again, that she didn't think you could love someone for a whole eternity. Love had an expiration date, and when it ran out, it rotted everything around it.
But, then she met Toby.
And he was an exception to these concepts she created for herself.
"You don't have your day planned out yet? That's very un-Spencer Hastings like of you." He told her over the phone.
She laughed in spite of herself. "Yeah, yeah I guess so. I mean I don't have classes today. I've finished all my homework already. I've organized and re-organized my desk. Hanna is off doing who knows what—she has some summer bucket list she wants to complete, Aria is in Maine with her mom and brother, and well, Emily's in Haiti…so. I don't know what to do with myself, really. I have nothing to do."
"Why don't you relax? You know something you probably need more of than the average human being."
She laughed again.
"It would be easier if you were here, with me" she hummed into the phone.
"I wish I was there too" his voice rang from the phone. "I miss you."
"I miss you too. When will you be back, again?" Spencer asked, although she knew. She doesn't forget anything especially not his coming home. She had it marked on her calendar. Two days. Two long, slow paced, days.
She was happy that he was working, gathering money to shape up his loft, but she hated that he had to do it in another town.
"Five days" he said, a hint of giddiness in his voice.
Spencer's eyebrows furrowed in an instant, as she sat up on her bed, looking at the calendar parked on her wall. "What? No, you said you would be home on the 3rd! It's the 1rst! You are supposed to be coming back in two days!"
He laughed.
"So, you did know? I knew you wouldn't just forget. I mean, you remember everything. You have a calendar programmed into your massive brain."
She laughed.
"Okay, you caught me…I guess I was just…hoping you'd say you were coming home sooner" admitted Spencer, her voice meek, and soft. Suddenly, she remembered what he said. "But, of course, hope breeds eternal misery—you'll just be coming home later than originally planned."
"Ah, ah, ah. Don't be so quick to lose hope. Come downstairs" said Toby before hanging up without even saying goodbye.
Spencer furrowed her eyebrows, glancing at the now CALL ENDED screen.
She followed Toby's directions regardless of her confusion.
Then she saw him in the window. He was bending down so he could be seen below the curtain, a goofy smile shining on his face.
An instant smile took hold of her lips as she rushed over to the door, unlocking it so he could come in. The second he stepped foot in her house, her arms were locked around him, holding him in a tight embrace. She settled her head in the crook of his neck, and fell into his arms as she felt his sturdy arms circum her—steady her. He smelt like himself—an indescribable savory scent that only Toby Cavanaugh held; a mix of fresh laundry and new books. Her hands felt around his back, taking in the mold of his body, and the shape of his muscles. It felt like home.
She pulled out of his embrace, after a few moments, and met his eyes. They were stunningly blue, the depths—endless, they succumbed into her, revealing everything he had to offer. He didn't have to say "I love you" or anything else for that matter, the message was already delivered.
"Liar" she poked him gently in the chest.
His lips curved up in a gentle grin "hoping for something doesn't always end badly." He told her.
She rolled her eyes.
"Fine, then I hope you make me a sandwich."
"Fine, I will."
"Fine" said Spencer, as he loosened from her grip. She didn't let his hand go though. Turning around, towards him, she said "But, not without a kiss."
After tossing and turning the whole night through, Spencer had for what seems like the first time in her life, beat her living alarm clock—Noah. When he came running into her room, she was already up.
The Friday morning was rushed.
She packed Noah's snack (the kindergarten he attended didn't serve lunch, due to days being cut in half, leaving them with only being at school for three hours) and dressed him for the early November weather. Within the past couple weeks, the weather changed drastically, perhaps everything did, really.
Toby had become a consistency. Noah had learned him by name, face, and hell he even knew how to spell his name. He was becoming a big part of Noah's life and Spencer didn't know whether or not to stop it.
She knew Toby knew that Noah was his son. She knew it. He asked so many times, but each time she would wave it off—somehow bypass it. Although, ignoring the question basically was just confirming the truth of it. By now, Spencer could deliver some huge load of crap of who the real father was, and he would never believe it. They were too far in, too deep to come back from the knowledge that's entered his mind.
Spencer managed to drop off Noah at school earlier than usual—well she guessed it was because she didn't spend fifteen extra minutes in bed mumbling give mommy five minutes, but whatever—and spent an extra ten minutes in the local coffee shop.
She didn't even know why she chose to spend another round of minutes in the coffee shop, she just did. Perhaps it was the smell that planted her feet to the ground, or the hesitant step to the bitterly cold outside world stopping her. She didn't know. All she knew is if she had not stayed in that coffee shop ten minutes later than she did, maybe things wouldn't have wound up like they did.
The familiar voice—startled her to turn around. She was surprised she heard it, over the crowd of people, and the low music playing over the stereo. It wasn't too loud in the coffee shop, but it was just the fact that she could distinguish his voice from all the others, really.
"Toby" she walked up to him, after he grabbed his coffee from the young barista. "Good morning."
"Spencer," murmured Toby, a trace of a smile gracing his features "I would say I'm surprised to see you, but I'm not. This is a coffee shop, of course."
She laughed.
"Touché"
He smiled. That smile that made your stomach do summersaults. That award winning smile that could transport you out of the Milky Way. That smile that made her despise him because it held so much control over her.
A half, sort of, smile twirled up on her lips.
"I have to go. I have class." Spencer told him, ending the short meeting before conversation even struck.
Just as she was about to turn around, depart from the biggest contributor to her oh so many downfalls, she heard him say "Wait, Spencer. Could I stop by later?"
She studied him for a short second before she answered his most awaited yes.
"Yeah, sure."
And with that, her whole day fell into its fate.
Everything continued as normal. She went to school. She got her text from Emily that she dropped off Noah at daycare. She went to work at 12, after her classes, and spent four hours repeating the phrase of "have a nice day" and "that'll be (insert amount of money here)". It was a normal day, really. Nothing happened which was out of the ordinary. She didn't expect that the night would be any different.
After work she had gone to pick up Noah from day care. He was ecstatic to see her, or perhaps he was just excited to go home, she didn't really know, so she just went with the first one.
The whole ride home he went on and on about how his classmate, Joey, had come out in just his underwear from the bathroom. The little boy found it unbelievably hilarious, and Spencer had to admit it did arise a few chuckles.
When they got home, Noah went off to his bedroom to play with his toys while Spencer did her big whopping mountain of laundry (so, it wasn't that big, but the normal pile of laundry was a mountain in Spencer's eyes). Spencer had one of the nicer apartments, one with a washer and dryer, courtesy of her parents of course. They were pretty helpful on some retrospect, well anything that involved money that is.
As the day passed and the laundry became clean, she began to wonder when Toby was going to call her. Not that she was waiting by her phone or anything—but she certainly was pulling out her phone more than usually that afternoon to check for any missed calls or texts. As afternoon transgressed into evening, she began to ponder (fret to the infinite power) why he wasn't calling. Had he just forgotten? Was he blowing her off?
She supposed she could call him. It wasn't that she was aboard the ship of formulaic girls, who followed the stereotype that guys should be the ones to call — she thought that was complete bull shit, but this wasn't any guy, he didn't apply to normal circumstances, this was Toby. The only exception for all the rules she had created in her head. He broke so many of those rules, that she had to create a rule book for him, and him alone. One of the rules being that she wouldn't be the one to call him first ( this rule was added, along many others, when he recruited back into her life) and she wasn't planning to break it.
Well, her plans always seemed to take on a mind of their own.
"So, tell me, if I did have plans, what would have you done? Expect me to drop them all for you?" asked Spencer. She was mostly joking, but in a way she was curious too. Toby wasn't the spontaneous person she knew, but he also wasn't like her; he did things that were unexpected, at the most random times. She didn't quite get this trait of his. He just did things without even thinking about the possibilities. It was all a strange bizarre thing to her, really. She didn't like the unexpected, well in most cases that is, but in a case involving Toby Cavanaugh…that was a different story; he was an exception. Their whole relationship was unexpected; a surprising plot twist marked upon their lives.
He shrugged it off lightly, obviously not putting much thought into his answer "Luckily you didn't" said Toby, an innocent smile settling on his features.
She opened her mouth to talk, but no words came out, instead there was a piece of a banana coming in. Toby had nearly smashed it on her face.
She chewed the banana fully, before talking.
He was laughing.
And although she didn't want to laugh, she did. "Trying to make me choke?!" she spat out through her laughter.
He continued to chuckle.
"I guess I was just looking for an excuse to give you mouth to mouth."
"You only give mouth to mouth if the heimlich maneuver doesn't work, and the person isn't breathing" said Spencer, matter-of-factly. "And that's very morbid of you, by the way."
He laughed.
Spencer smiled.
He shrugged innocently, his eyes falling on the sandwich he made on the table—peanut butter with bananas. He pushed the plate over to her.
"You aren't going to surprise gag me with it?" She pulled the plate towards her, their hands ever-so-slightly brushing against each other.
He rolled his eyes, but his smiled stayed within the threshold of his face, nonetheless. "I'm sorry" he faux apologized.
"The hell you are!" shouted Spencer, picking up her sandwich to take a long awaited bite. As her taste buds met the famous combination of peanut butter and banana, she let out a pleasurable moan.
Toby smiled in success in front of her, and she looked at him while chewing, and while the mix of bananas and peanut butter swam down her throat and he stood there, smiling at her, like she was the utmost majestic creature in all the lands, and it was right then and there that she decided she could love him forever. She could be with him for an eternity, and it wouldn't be long enough. That the chance of their fates not aligning terrified her entirely—that she never wanted to have to say goodbye, she never wanted to part ways, or put a finish to what they had. Because they couldn't distinguish what they had. They would never be able to. Because what they had was real, true, genuine love. Not the kind of love you see in movies; the kind that only stretches out till the credits, but real love. True love. A love that was everlasting. A love that lived on past the credits and would last till the end of time. Her whole dynamic of life changed in that moment. That small moment, that frivolous moment in the patch work of time—it changed her whole way of thinking.
She wanted to marry him. Be with him forever.
The thought of doing anything else just felt utterly wrong. The idea of being with anyone else felt immoral, and the chance of Toby loving anyone else, holding anyone else, brushing his lips against anyone else's, and even making a dumb peanut butter and banana sandwich for anyone else made her want to hold him and never let go.
Toby must have seen the falter in her eyes because he was now narrowing his eyes on her, his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly. "Are you okay?"
By this time, all bits of the sandwich she had put in her mouth a few seconds ago were making their way to her digestive system. "I'm fine" hummed Spencer, her voice light and sweet like a cool summer breeze in the mid of august.
She didn't bother to change her expression. She knew what she must have looked liked. Spellbound; love struck. Her expression was so easy to read, unlike usual. But, she didn't bother to change it. She wanted him to know how she felt.
He kept staring at her. His expression stayed put.
"I'm just really happy you came home early." She softly told him, resting her hands on his.
Looking down, he curled his thumb over hers. He stared at their intertwined hands for a couple seconds before he looked up again.
"Me too" said Toby, looking at her now.
His expression matched hers.
After awhile, a long while, as in Noah was in bed, sleeping. It was 9. They ate dinner. She did the dishes. Hanna came home, going on about how much she hates being an owner of a bakery and swearing she would sell it (she would never). And after all that, after it was obvious that she would not be seeing Toby today, she decided to call him.
She sat in her room, alone. Hanna was in her own room, probably already asleep. Noah was tucked in. The clock read 9:04. With a huff, she called him.
On the third ring, he picked up.
Unlike usual, he didn't immediately say "Spencer". He didn't even say hi. The line was silent.
"Hello?" said Spencer in sort of a questioning tone.
"Hey" replied Toby.
"Um, so, I guess your plans changed?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah." She could hear him gulp through the phone. He sounded…weird. Unsure of himself, almost. "I'm sorry." He didn't sound very sincere.
The line went silence once more.
Spencer didn't know what to say. She didn't know what was wrong. He had been so dedicated to her. But, now, it was like he didn't even care. He didn't even bother to make up an excuse.
"Oh" said Spencer, unsure of what to respond with.
He didn't reply.
"So I guess I'll talk to you whenever, then" declared Spencer, her tone laced with a coldness and annoyance. "Goodnigh—"
"Wait, Spencer." He sighed. She stilled her thumb from hitting the end button. "I have a legitimate reason for blowing you off. I'm sorry. Just it totally slipped my mind…so much has happened in the past few hours." He sighed once more. Suddenly his tone was ranging from exhaustion to sadness. "My dad is in the hospital. I—"
She cut him off.
"Is he okay?"
"Yeah, he's fine. As of now, anyways."
"What happened?"
"He, uh, had a heart attack" she heard him say. While his voice was solid, it was filled with gloom. The last Spencer knew was that Toby didn't exactly have a great relationship with his father, but that didn't make him any less his father. He already lost his mother, and she couldn't imagine the strain on him at the scare of losing his father too.
"I'm so sorry, Toby" said Spencer, genially.
"Luckily, he's okay now." Spencer could feel the holding back of emotions, even through the phone. "He has to stay the night, but he'll be home by tomorrow—so says the nurses."
There was a pause.
"…are you okay?"
He was hesitant. There was another moment of silence between them. Spencer had a feeling that whatever was going to come out of mouth next would be a lie.
"I'm fine."
It was so obviously a lie.
She knew him too well, and for too long, to believe that.
"Toby…" she softly said.
It was probably the first time, in a long time, that her voice did that; softened and heightened to a higher pitch.
"I'll be fine."
"I don't believe you."
He sighed "yeah, you probably shouldn't."
There was a pause.
"Do you want to come over?"
Spencer felt like it was irrational; irresponsible more so. It was 9 at night. She had work the next day. Early the next day. She would need to be getting up in 8 hours. Her best friend and son were asleep. It was a bad idea, clearly, but she couldn't let Toby sulk alone.
She felt horrible.
Here she was, cursing his name and being pissed at him, for his father having a heart attack.
She felt obliged to comfort him.
He was hesitant, but he answered with a yes. With that, the two ended the phone conversation, and would soon start a conversation that would pull on every string of their beings.
Hi guys so
I've decided to put this chapter in two parts.
Originally, I had it all mapped out.
It was all going to be in this chapter. But, what I have in store would be another 4000 words (well probably), and I'm already at 4000 so….yeah.
Let's just say that the next part of this chapter is something that you have all been waiting for ;)
Thanks for the awesome, lovely, reviews!
Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee leave more, and reassure me that I'm not just posting a bunch of shit that like 3 people are reading lol. Ok thank you nonetheless !
Love,
Caitlin
Jk I'm still here. I don't normally do this because I think it's dumb to demand reviews because like WELL it's like forced love I guess? But okay I need MOTIVATION to write the next part of the chapter because I get so lazy and things. But I HATE breaking promises. So if this gets 15 reviews, by let's say, in 24 hours. So at 330am (it's like 230am right now but I'm still writing it and I still need to revise so yeah) east coast USA time tomorrow, then I'll have the chapter up by…hm Monday (maybe sooner). JJJ (I would say Sunday, but it's Easter guysss I have obligations to fulfill)
And if I don't' get 15 reviews within the next 24 hours then I'll still try to update by Monday but it's not definite and shit! So write a review so I feel like I owe it to you all and feel obligated to finish the next part, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee J.
BUT I'll try. Anyways, I just need a motivation!
Sorry this A/N was so long omg