Hi guys! So, sorry I didn't update sooner! Wow. Okay, in my defense, I was doing something with my friends everyday this week so it was kind of hard to write with them around hahaha.
Also, a giant thanks to everyone for the lovely comments. You people are light of my life3
Also, a special shout out to my darling Bruna. She is an amazing, behind amazing, person. And I'm blessed to know her! You'll spot her in this chapter, so get ready J (btw she will also return with a bigger part, but wait wait wait this was an introduction).
Chapter 25
Every limb of her body just wanted her to fall asleep, her head pounded furiously, and her bones ached. But, no matter how many times she tossed and turned to find that "comfortable spot" she couldn't quite fall into that slumber she desperately wanted. Her mind was over populated with thoughts over him. Their kiss, mostly. What it meant for them. How they were going to go on after it. It was like someone had brainwashed her and deluded her mind into a continuous orbit that spun around Toby Cavanaugh. She couldn't get him out of her head.
She couldn't believe that she had spent three hours straight thinking about him, but maybe she had—her alarm clock was now ringing like crazy, reminding her there was more to life than a man with horrifying (beautiful) blue eyes, and a wicked spell binding smile that seemed to put her under each time. She lazily flung her arm over to her alarm clock; successfully hitting the "snooze" button. She could lie in bed for another 20 minutes and not be late to work, and if she was – Hanna might be pissed at her, but she kind of had it good with the boss. She knew there was really no point of lying there for any more amount of time though, she had spent three hours trying to fall asleep, how the hell would she accomplish that in twenty measly minutes? Except falling asleep was not the endgame here. She just felt too exhausted to move, and the thought of starting off the day in a state like this made her dread it even more than she already did.
The tiredness she felt couldn't even be cured by coffee and that said something. By the time she had finished getting ready for the already horrific day, the clock struck 6. She had to be at the bakery at 630. She figured, if Noah cooperated like she hoped, then she could make it on time. She had only been late one other time, ever, in her whole life, and that was her period all those years ago. Although there were other times when she skipped entirely, back when Toby was in control of all her feelings like some sort of puppet master, and decided to twist and tug and pull and draw on every last string she had until she finally snapped. Except, that wasn't the case now—she wasn't some over obsessed, love sickened, teen anymore. She made the plays this time.
As though the universe just had to make her day ten times worse than it already was at 6am, Noah started to cry and wail once she disturbed his sleep.
On Saturdays, the daycare she sent him to was closed, but even if it was open, at this time of day, it didn't really matter. They didn't start taking in the little munchkins till 730 AM. So, if there was a chance she would work on a Saturday morning ( and there most certainly was, she worked them almost every Saturday) then she would take him to her parents' house. Usually, it was Aria and Ezra who watched him while she was at work on those Saturday mornings, but with everything that's happened she didn't dare. She sort of, in a way, forgave the two; Aria for lying, Ezra for nearly killing her best friend out of protection for her other, but even with her forgiveness, she wasn't jumping with glee at the opportunity to hang out with them. She couldn't just drop her son off at their house, and pretend everything was back to normal. Whatever the hell normal was that is, she didn't really know.
Usually, Noah made it pretty easy to get him from point A-his bed-to point B-the bed her parents had set up for him at their own house (yes, the Hastings are rich, they have all the money in the world to spend). But, today was not one of those instances. The second her arms wrapped around his tiny frame, rather than his batman covers, he began to scream and cry, and wail and shout—something that Spencer certainly did not need empowering her already aching head. " Shhhhh," she tried to calm him as she bounced him slightly up and down. He was straddled on her hip, his deep blue eyes locked onto her, tears falling freely down his face. "Shh, it's okay. Mommy is just taking you to granny and grammpys. You can bear with me a little longer, right?"
He lazily shook his head after a second, his lips pouted. She smiled in the slightest. "Okay, wrap your arms around me!"
He did as he was told; draping his arms around her neck, his head fell into the crook her shoulder. She pressed a gentle kiss to his temple in return.
Somehow managing to balance the two, she tugged a bag with all the needed supplies—some toys (her parents don't believe in anything fun, they can buy a 300 dollar bed, but not a 10 dollar toy), new clothes that he can switch into after he wakes up, and some granola (for a snack). And then she was off, trying her best not to be late for job.
She ended up running in at 6:37. A whole seven minutes late. To any normal person, the time difference was nothing, but to Spencer it may as well been 7 hours.
Hanna didn't seem to notice her though; she was too busy talking to someone unfamiliar to Spencer's eyes. Spencer walked up to the duo, her eyes landing on the teenage girl listening to Hanna's rambles. She looked to be Brazilian, her dark hair fell to her shoulders, and deep chocolate eyes were locked on Hanna. "Do you understand everything?"
"What would you like? Coming right up! That'll be… Have a nice day!" She recited, a hint of a smirk playing out on her features. "I think I've got it down."
A smile flew up on Hanna's face. "Great! Oh, Spencer!" Hanna turned to her friend, when noticing her face, her smile dropped, and her blue eyes narrowed. "Wow, what happened to you? Did you fall face-first into a ditch on the way here? You look like shit."
Spencer took in a deep breath trying to maintain the little patience she had. It wasn't even 7 in the morning yet, she needed her patience. "I didn't get much sleep." She responded, her voice deadly.
"Oh, well anyways. This is Bruna" she gestured to the teenager beside her "She's Tyler's girlfriend. He told me about how Bruna wanted a job, and I said what the hell! I mean it's saving us so much time, too. We don't need to have all those annoying interviews with middle aged creeps who skipped out on college, and dental work!"
Hanna was talking to fast. Spencer felt like she only heard one word in her entire explanation. "Hello," she greeted the girl "I'm Spencer." She turned her head back to Hanna "who's Tyler again?"
"Caleb's little brother! God, Spencer don't you listen to anything? I went on for days about how Tyler missed his fitting and practically ruined everything! By the way, will you do me a favor, and give him a big ol' slap next time you see him?" Hanna rotated her head to Bruna.
She laughed.
"Anything to help the cause."
"Great!" Hanna chirped. "Well, anyways, Spencer is being modest—which isn't usual by the way, let me tell you—she's the manager here! She helps me out with all the finances and everything, and when she leaves me to work at some dumb editor job, I'm going to have to hire accountants, and managers, and all that annoying stuff because Spencer is a self centered bitch and she won't even think about me. She doesn't even like editing things, I mean sure, she corrects me every fricken chance she gets, but seriously—"
"Shut up Hanna" Spencer interjected, causing her friend to glare at her.
"Also I'm this close," she made a hand gesture as if she was pinching the air "to firing her. She doesn't respect me. Don't be like Spencer, Bruna. That's how you'll succeed here." Hanna told the brunette. Before Spencer could even produce a comeback, the blonde was off.
Spencer went into work with all she had (which wasn't much). Through the course of the day, she swore she had almost fallen asleep eight times. Bruna probably thought of her as an idiot. What a great first impression.
When one o clock rolled in, and her shift ended. Spencer felt like she had just won the lottery. She had been ready to go home since the second she stepped in, except, she wasn't going home. She was going to visit a good friend of hers.
Spencer had texted her at 12:30 asking her if she could stop by after her shift. She had told her yes.
So, she stayed put outside the door, letting her knuckles do all the work. She had told her parents that she would be running late, and they seemed overjoyed. She didn't let them spend much time with Noah, only recently have they been really spending any quality time with him, really. She was afraid they would ruin him, like they did her. She believed they would corrupt her little boy.
The door opened after a few knocks, and there she stood, her signature look of worry sketched across her features.
"Is something wrong?" Emily immediately assumed.
"Kind of" Spencer answered, keeping her eyes on the floor.
Emily bit her lip, stepping out of the way so her friend could pass through.
Spencer walked in, gathering in her surroundings. Nothing changed since the last time she was here, but everything felt different. After that kiss with Toby, it's like the whole world had altered itself to a new angle. Everything was the same, but crooked; in a new position.
She took a seat on Emily's couch, resting her clamped hands on her knees "I did something stupid."
"You? Doing something stupid? I doubt that." Her friend tried to cheer her up as she took a seat next to her.
Spencer was going to fight her on that statement, she did stupid things all the time, it wasn't a new thing. Hell, she had a baby at 18. If that didn't identify her as someone who did ridiculously stupid things, she didn't know what would. Maybe this.
She shook her head.
"I'm serious."
Emily let out a tiny sigh "what happened?"
"I don't know if Hanna's told you, but I've been spending some time with Toby."
"She told me. She thinks you're an idiot."
"That's exactly why I'm not coming to her with this…" Spencer said in a mumble. She looked up at Emily "What do you think?"
"What do I think about what?" Emily innocently asked.
"Do you think I'm an idiot?"
Emily mouth fell ajar and her eyes fell to the carpet. A moment passed by before she spoke. "I think that you really want this to work."
"So, basically you think I'm an idiot, you're just putting it nicely." Spencer sighed, her head falling into her hands.
"I don't think you're an idiot…I didn't say that. I think that you see that Toby really cares. And you want to give him a chance to let him prove his worth to you."
Spencer's eyes were distant. The word want had been thrown around so much in the last couple months that she had almost forgotten its meaning.
You want that chocolate brownie at midnight, but you don't take it because you don't need it. It's a sweet delicious snack, but in the end it will just come back to bite you in the ass. The chocolate brownie will ultimately just make your life harder.
You want it, but you know you can't have it.
Toby was a chocolate brownie.
She wanted so badly for him to be her life again. For them to be a family. For them to sit by each other at Noah's kindergarten and high school graduation. For them to go through life, hand in hand, side by side, and accomplish every obstacle that the world threw at them.
But, she couldn't have it.
They didn't have a happy ending. They would end in chaos. They would create a horrible aroma for their son. They would destroy not only their lives, but his. They would bring him into their own dysfunction, and demolish everything he is.
They could never be normal.
It just wasn't an option.
"I have to go," Spencer stepped up from the couch, knowing what she had to do, now.
"What? Spencer, you just got here!" Emily stepped up, blocking her friend from making a run for it.
"I know, but I was just thinking, and I know what I have to do now. It's the only option!"
"Spencer," Emily sighed, her eyes pleading her to listen. "look, Toby visited me a couple weeks ago, and I don't know what he's done, or what his motives were, or anything, really. But, he told me he was sorry, sorry for everything. And I know only spent, at the most, two hours with him, but I believe it when he tells me that he doesn't want any trouble. That all he wants is to be part of your life, part of Noah's."
Spencer could feel the tears forming. "I believe him! But, it's not that simple, Emily! I can't just let him back into my life again! We can never work things out, be a family! It's all too screwed up; it's too late for us. Whether it's Toby, blaming himself for every little thing, and not forgiving himself for the past, or it's me, not believing him when he says he didn't do something; it won't work! It can't! No matter how much we want it to work, it's not going to. And the best thing right now, for everyone, is for him to just leave. It's the only option."
Spencer didn't realize it, but she was bawling her eyes out. She didn't even know how she let that all out. How she didn't stop herself from revealing it all. The next thing she knew, Emily's arms were wrapped around her in a tight embrace. And her head was in the crook of her neck.
"Do you think I'm making the right decision?" she pulled out of the embrace once she collected herself, well the most she could in a situation like this.
Emily's mouth twitched, and eye's faltered, "That's for you to decide" she shrugged. "Whatever you end up doing, I'll support you." Emily told her, giving her a meek grin.
Spencer offered a weak smile of gratitude.
"Thank you," Spencer whispered, her arms draping around the taller girl for another quick hug.
Emily looked at her, a seriousness about her eyes "look, Spencer, whatever you do, go with whatever feels right. Even if it doesn't seem like it should be right, if it feels right, go with it."
Spencer slightly nodded before she made her escape.
She didn't really think about what Emily said. She knew being with Toby could never be right. It was unquestionable. Thinking about it more would just expand her confusion, or worse, she would talk herself out of it. She knew if she didn't do it now, then there was a chance she wouldn't do it at all.
And that couldn't happen.
She asked him to meet her at the park. Maybe if they were in public, she would be able to resist herself from letting out the tears she could already feel forming. In spite of how many times she did cry in front of others, she hated it. She hated the pity that stalked others' faces; she hated to make herself look weak, especially in front of the person who was the reason behind her pain
She waited on the park bench. It was the one facing the small playground that she had taken Noah to a few weeks ago. There weren't as many people in the park today. She figured it was because of the November air was chilly, and crisp; defiantly not a temperature that would pursue people to come out of their heated houses, and take a stroll in the park. Although there were a few apparent Eskimos lurking about.
He showed up, a little late, but she didn't hold it against him, and took the seat next to her, words flying out of his mouth the second he sat down. "Spencer, I'm so glad that you called me. I thought after last night, that you would ignore all my calls, and texts and just me entirely—"
"Stop" she told him, her eyes closing. "Please, just, stop. You're making it harder than it already is."
The second the statement left her mouth, his heart dropped, along with the corners of his lips.
"Spencer…" his soft voice trailed.
She shook her head lightly, her eyes falling to her clamped hands resting on her thighs "Toby…" her voice broke. The whole going to the park to prevent her tears wasn't exactly effective. "I just…I believe everything you've told me. I don't doubt your intentions while coming back here, but that doesn't change the past. That doesn't change everything you've done to me…to my friends."
Toby stayed silent, his eyes burning as he gazed at her.
"I can't just pretend that all those things didn't happen." She looked at him, excessive pain broad across her features. She gulped. "The only way that the both of us will be able to move on is for you to leave…the longer you stay, the harder it will be."
He looked to be in shock. His eyebrows ceased and his jaw trembled. "You want me to leave?" he asked, his voice hoarse and succumbed with sadness.
"It's the best decision…for everyone."
His eyes stayed put on her, as if he was expecting her to add something to that. But, she didn't. He couldn't believe what he heard. Not after last night. Not after everything they've been through in the past few months. "You just expect me to go?" he asked, but he already knew the answer. It was a dumb question, really.
"You know that it can never work out between us!" she looked at him, her eyes mad with gloom.
"It's not just about us anymore Spencer! We have a kid."
"You don't think I've thought about that?" she snapped, her voice a little too loud for her surroundings. She tried to calm herself, but her breathing was still rapidly fast. "Look," her voice was lower now "I am doing the best I can. Noah is my main concern, everything I do, everything I've done; I've always tried to do what was best for him. He's always been my first intention."
"And you think this is what's best for him? For me to just leave?! For him to grow up without a father?"
"It's better than having two parents who end up hating each other! Look, Toby…" she sighed "we can never work."
"Why not" he gritted through his teeth in a demand, his eyes sharp and locked on her.
"Because, what happens when I don't believe you? My trust for you isn't exactly the best! And you haven't even forgiven yourself! If I do something awful, you'll just let it slide! It just won't work! We are too messed up!"
"I feel like you are just looking for reasons why we shouldn't be together" he accused.
Her head fell into her hands, her back arching towards the grass. The tears falling down her face had no boundaries. Once her tears began to leak, they never stopped. They were endless, and she didn't know how to control herself. She felt like she was on the verge of a panic attack.
"Spencer, don't cry. Please, I don't want you to cry." He whispered, his voice meek, and unsteady. She figured, he too had spread a tear or two. But, he certainly wasn't as of an emotional wreck as she was. She looked up at him after a moment.
"You don't know how badly I want for us to work, Toby!" her voice rasped, her eyes roaming around the playground. She was lucky the day was so bitter that no one dared to bring their kids to the park because she swore if anyone was around, they would be calling for phys care. "I want to be with you, so badly. For Noah to have a father, for us to be a family! But, you can't always get what you want, can you?" she wiped her eyes, but that didn't stop the tears "I love you, Toby, and honestly? I probably always will, but we can't be together. And I'm afraid that if you stick around, then I'll make the horrible mistake, like I did last night, and kiss you. And just fool myself into believing it can work when we both know it can't."
"You keep saying we. Like it's some collective thought. How do you know I don't think it can?"
She looked at him, a look of disbelief flushing across her face. "I—You,"
"Spencer," he mumbled, his hesitant hand resting on hers, and his other wiping away at the droplets formed on her face. "I would never give up on us. I will never stop loving you. You are the love of my life, and I can't—I just can't give up on us. It would be a lot easier to believe we could never work, to not have hope, but I just can't. Not after last night."
This was the first time she looked at him, really looked at him, since they got here. His genuine eyes were slightly puffy, and pink. He had to be crying, he just had to, and she just must've missed it.
Surprisingly, to both of them, Spencer didn't jump back at his touch. She let his hands roam her skin, and brush away the dews on her cheeks.
"Stop. Crying. Please" he begged after a moment.
She shook her head, "I can't." her voice broke. Her teeth were sunken into her bottom lip, and her eyes looked as if they were made of glass, shiny and reflective from the tears procreating in the depths of her eye sockets.
At last, she pulled away her hand away from his. She shook her head, knocking his hand down, away from her face. "I'm sorry, Toby." She told him after a pause. "I'm sorry I led you on into thinking that this could work. I'm sorry you believe in something that could never possibly be true."
"Spencer," he said his voice more hoarse than ever.
"Please, just go." She begged once more.
"I can't" he squeezed his eyes, shut. "I just, can't" his eyes opened once more. "How can I just leave Noah behind? You?"
She let out a horrible sigh, a heart wrenching sigh, that made Toby feel guilty for not just listening to her, and going on his way.
"When Noah's older, I'll tell him that you're his father. I'll tell him you didn't know; that I never told you, and you had no idea you had a son. He'll probably want to look for you and when that time comes I'll tell him who you are. And all the information I have on you, and I'm sure with the technology we'll have when that time comes, he'll be able to do so."
"He'll hate you" Toby stated without thinking.
"I know," her eyes squeezed shut.
"Spencer, you shouldn't…you shouldn't do that."
"I'm forcing you to leave. I'm taking away him having a dad. If he does hate me, I'll deserve it" Her voice broke once more.
"If he knew the truth about me then he would hate me too. You are just doing what you think is best, you shouldn't have to be caught in the crossfire."
"Noah is the crossfire, Toby. He's the product of utter chaos, and commotion! He'll forgive me for what I did, but you." Her voice trailed off, her words hanging in the bitter air for a moment's pause. "Look, I'm just trying to find a way that this will work out for all of us."
"There isn't a way it will work out for all of us." He said dryly, his eyes trained on a swing set in the distance. "Either way, I am missing out on so much of his life." There were tears falling off his face now, and his voice was cracking as if he just hit puberty "I won't even know who he is."
The statement broke her heart, really. But, she couldn't, she just couldn't let him into their life.
"However long I have to wait, I'll be missing out. I'll be losing out on the time that kids need their parents most. I can't just move on, Spencer. Not from this. You can't just expect me to leave." He looked at her now. His eyes were glazed with empowering gloom, and raw emotion, which only made it that much harder to say her next statement.
"You have to. It's what's best for Noah."
"How do you know?"
"Because there's less dysfunction this way. We are the ultimate dysfunction, Toby. Don't you see?"
His eyebrows furrowed, and he didn't mumble a word.
"I can't just be around you, hang out with you until I trust you enough to be alone with Noah, I can't. I'm not strong enough to keep my feelings aside, and I'm awful for that, but I know I won't be able to. That kiss last night," her voice trailed off into the distant memory that seemed like forever ago "it made me realize just how weak you make me. How I can fall under your spell so easily. We can't be together. We'll just fill his life with more chaos than it already has. And if you stay…I know that I won't be able to stay away. The farther you are, the more of a chance he has at having, not really a normal life, but a less dysfunctional one."
"So, you are making me leave because you know if I stay, we will end up being together? That doesn't even make sense, Spencer!"
"It makes perfect sense!" she hissed "Our relationship would plummet faster than someone skydiving without a parachute. We would objectify him to all our arguments, and verbal abuse, and it would just end horribly! We would destroy his childhood; the most precious years of his life."
"You don't know that. You aren't even willing to give us a shot."
"Toby," her voice snapped "I forgave you for so much, why can't you just listen to me? Believe me when I tell you it can't work—that this is the best option!"
"Because Spencer, what's the point in you forgiving me if you are just pushing me away again? Before I saw Noah, before I knew I had a son, your forgiveness would have meant the world to me. I could have been stuck by lightning the next day, and went through surgery without anesthetics, but still be jolly because I had your forgiveness, but every things changed now! This is bigger than just us!"
She shook her head "Please just, go, Toby. Think it through. When you realize that I'm right, and you decide to go, then just tell me. You can say goodbye to Noah, and me, for that matter, then." She told him, stepping off the bench. Her tears had finally paused, but she knew if she fast forwarded through the day, she would once again making mountains of dews on her cheekbones.
He didn't say anything in reply. He didn't say bye, or that he would call her later or even accept it all. He just stared straight ahead into the galaxy of nothingness. She sighed "don't stay out here all day, Toby; you're going to catch a cold."
And with that, she was gone.
I have two more chapters in store for you :)
Actually, depending on how long the next one is that might change…but probably two! + an epilogue (I've already started the epilogue because I'm that excited for it…um) + I'm really excited to write the next two chapters so hehehehe ;)
Sorry if I broke your hearts, I could feel mine breaking a couple times through.
So, yeah.
Tell me your thoughts!
Do you think Spencer is being rash? Do you think Toby is fighting her a little too hard? Do you think Toby will catch a cold? Well, the next two chapters/or one depending on how long it will be/are going to be jam packed with emotion…and other stuff too ;)…so I hope you are ready!
As always I beg of you to leave me a little offering of your thoughts! J (eventhoughithinkicouldhavedonebetterwiththischapt er)
p.s. if this had any typos, I'm sorry! It's 3am and my head is pounding like crazy.