hello my darlings ! So, I know it's been like a week and you thought I was done taking a million years to update, but i'm sorry! School sucks! But I would like to say thank you very much for the reviews :) I appreciate the constructive criticism and I'll be sure to remember that for the future ! I know this story has been angst angst angst, but hopefully these last few chapters will be rewarding! btw SOOOO i don't know if you guys remember, it was AWHILE back, but in one chapter, Hanna had to break up Ted and Ashley because of A! And I sort of reference that in this chapter, so just so you aren't confused! OK well I hope my writing is OKAY!

Chapter 26

A week passed. A whole week and she had heard nothing from him. She had tried to call him, countless times, but each time not even a ring met her ears. He wouldn't just skip town, leave without saying goodbye—she wanted him to leave, but not like that! Well, actually she didn't even want him to leave at all, really. The more she thought over her conclusion of his departure being the best choice, the more she regretted the conversation even taking place.

She was still so confused. She felt lost almost, and it was times like these when she wished she could pull out some crystal ball, whisper some voodoo magic, and see her future foldout in front of her.

The past week had been hell. And she didn't know whether or not it was connected with Toby's abandonment. Was it all just a coincidence that the second he left her life seemed to go from difficult to down right impossible? Would it be like this till he came back, if he ever did?

If Spencer believed in signs, she certainly would take this as one.

Everything that could have gone wrong—did; from her getting a B on a few of her tests, to Noah throwing an absolute fit when Spencer wanted him to go to bed. It was all awful, and she couldn't help, but to think if Toby were here it could have been better.

She was so indecisive. So stupid. One minute she would be absolutely sure of something and the next...well...she would be an emotional wreck.

She felt like she had two different mindsets squished into one brain; two figures on her shoulders and she couldn't distinguish on who was the devil and who was the angel.

Her mind hadn't stopped racing in months over the infinite possibilities ahead of them, only when they kissed did her mind seem to ease, and her heart take on the speed.

She needed help, truly. At this point, she just should have been administrated into psychiatric care; she was going insane.

It all felt so wrong, so very wrong, and she couldn't help, but to think of what Emily had told her. The second she left the park, she feared she had said the wrong words; made the incorrect decision. She felt so sure at the time, so positive that her choice was the right choice. As the reality of it all - Toby leaving and maybe never coming back - sunk in, her thoughts bypassed the avenue of regret and remorse. She tried to tell herself, make herself believe, that it was all to be expected; the after effect; the fog after the storm, which made everything unclear. But her second thoughts were too strong to just be second thoughts; she needed someone to tell her she did the right thing.

And maybe that's why she ended up tagging along with Hanna to check out the potential wedding chapels her marriage would take place in.

At first, it was a shock. Hanna Marin, getting married in a chapel? It sounded to be a joke-and a bad one at that. When thinking of Hanna, she imagined something resembling the New York plaza, thousand feet ceilings and elegant staircases made of the richest of leprechaun gold, or maybe even a castle, but definitely not a church.

It was for her mother and —the two had gotten back together —Ted whom she looked up to as a father, she explained. Besides "churches are cute!" Hanna added. Although Spencer recalled Hanna yelling at her earlier that year for referring to a dress as cute, she didn't push her on subject. Hanna seemed to be happy with having the marriage at a chapel, and that's all that really mattered, really.

Spencer watched her son. He was playing with his spider man action figure on the pew. He was making "whoosh" and "bam" noises as he swept the superhero of the pew and into the air.

Hanna was in the front, on the alter, with the pastor. The two looked to be in the midst of a serious conversation, which seemed odd because she didn't think Hanna knew much about church history-hell, she didn't even know what Easter celebrated up to a year ago. She certainly was not educated enough to last in a conversation about the church longer than a few minutes. Yet, they've been here for forty five.

Meanwhile, Caleb had only said five words to the pastor, at the most. He had been roaming up and down the aisles for the most of the time they spent here, possibly checking out the stained glass windows; they were certainly beautiful, and well crafted. They held so much detail, and handcrafted care. It was certainly one of those times where the quote of "a picture is worth a thousand words" crossed her mind.

She had been so lost in thought that she hadn't even noticed Caleb walking towards her. "Jesus, when is she going to be done?"

Her eyes landed on him. He looked just as beat as her. This was the forth chapel they visited that day. "Are you talking to me or just praying out loud?" joked Spencer.

"Oh, crap! I just used God's name in vain, didn't I? Crap, well...wait it is it a sin to say crap? God, I've said it three times...and there I go with the God's name in vain thing again! Wow, I suck at this."

"Don't worry. I'm sure this won't grant you a pass to hell" Spencer teasingly told him, cupping a hand on his shoulder.

She dropped it, bringing it back into her chest and let out a sigh. "It's not like you killed someone in a church ...now, that, that just might take you down the pathway of hell."

He gave her a look of absurdity. It wasn't that Caleb was so religious or anything that he would take offense to the statement but, it was just the boldness of it, the morbidity that hung around it. The way she said it, mostly. It sounded like she was joking, but there was something about her tone-something that made it seem more than just a morbid joke. "Woah, I think we just jumped from crawling to skydiving, where'd that come from?"

She shrugged it off like it was nothing, and that was true. She didn't really believe in Heaven or Hell, for that matter. She was never taught to believe in it all, her parents never talked about it, she grew up without it. It was all just another theory of afterlife to her, really. The statement-it was more like a joke about a subject only she would get; an inside joke she said aloud. Her friends-Toby, maybe they would understand the joke too, but they weren't around to laugh at the cruel comment. "Just saying" Spencer answered after a moment.

"Right," Caleb said, obviously unconvinced. But he didn't press. With a cluck of the tongue, they were on a new subject. "So, why'd you volunteer to tag along? I mean I'm forced to be here, but you" his voice trailed as his hand gestured her up and down.

She paused.

To tell the truth, or to not tell the truth, that is the question.

"I was hoping I would have a chance to talk to Hanna, but hope never seems to work out in my favor."

"Well, I'm here to talk" he offered "I'll even listen to a story about hand bags," he promised "I just need something to distract myself."

She let out a tiny dry laugh and in all honesty, she didn't know whether or not to believe it to be real "Yeah, it's not really about that, but thanks."

It went silent.

She knew it was a dumb question. A dumb question that she already knew the answer to. The answer being just another reason to power her second thoughts about Toby. But with all the stupid things she's been doing, she figured what was one more stupid question?

A lot, it was a lot.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he immediately replied. Obviously, he didn't know where this would lead.

"How different do you think your life would be if...if your father had been around when you were a kid?"

He looked at her in shock, obviously not connecting the dots to what image displayed in the back of her mind. His dazzled bronze eyes moved away from her after a moment and to the alter where Hanna stood, although his eyes weren't focused much on her. They were far beyond her, in another dimension. "Definitely different. I may have reunited with my parents, but it still kind of sucks-y'know?" He looked back at her. "I remember this one time, I was ten, I was at the park and it was right around spring time, maybe a little too cold to be outside, but people were so excited that it was remotely warm that they didn't care. I was on the swings and it was right on the pathway of the park, I could watch everyone pass by. I sat there for awhile just watching the people come and go, and then this family passed by me. They were so happy. The father, he had this little boy-probably five or something-on his shoulders. And little kid was giggling and laughing away a storm. And I don't know, it made me sad. Why couldn't I have that? What did I do to chase away my parents? Why didn't my dad want to carry me on his shoulders through the park?"

Spencer was staring at him with all her focus, her eyes intense on his temples. His stare aborted the alter and fell on Noah. "This is about Noah, isn't it?" his eyes landed on her once more.

She gulped.

"You could say that."

"I heard Toby was in town."

Spencer stayed silent. As far as Caleb knew Toby's main motive for abandoning town was their break up.

"Yeah, he is…"

"Look, Spencer. I think that you deserve someone who will jump through hoops for you, and do anything for you and Noah. Sure, the kid deserves a dad, but what's the point if the dad is just a slack off who leaves when the going gets rough? I don't know Toby that well…hell I think I've really only met him once—I don't know anything about the guy. I don't know what happened between you guys all those years ago, but it sure took a toll on you. And… I don't know. I guess you got to determine who Toby is and whether or not he being around would benefit Noah. Then from there, decide what you think is the best decision."

Spencer stayed silent, her eyes in his direction, but looking off somewhere far beyond the map.

There was a clucking and tapping noise that awakened her senses. Hanna was coming down the aisle way, a small segment of a smile playing her lips. Caleb left a cup of his hand on Spencer's shoulder, in support, before treading off to his bride-to-be.

Spencer didn't know what to think of Caleb's words.

Part of her thought Toby would be a great father, but the other part of her was scared. Scared that he would leave again like he did so many times before when the going got tough. She needed him to fully commit to her if he wanted a part in their lives. She couldn't have him leaving every now and then. He had to be constant.

And it wasn't exactly smoothing her anxiety out that he had been ignoring her calls for the past week.

She supposed it was her own fault. She had practically sent him to the plank, giving him no other options than to jump.

Maybe she shouldn't have been so soon to excommunicate him.

"Mommy," the little boy murmured a few minutes after dinner time. They were watching Tarzan. It was one of Noah's favorite Disney movies. Probably because it involved gorillas and elephants and a man who slid down trees and hopped vines and did this all in underwear. She knew if Noah had a choice, he would take on that lifestyle.

They were right in beginning, far from the period of time where Noah would fall asleep "I'm kinda like Tarzan" he said.

"How's that?" she asked, an amused smile gracing her features.

"Well not…exactly! But, y'know and he has to live with those gorillas, and like then he has a mommy, but the big gorilla daddy doesn't like him and stuff! And he has a bunch of friends and everything and like a big huge family of gorillas! Oh! And a elephant friend! And I have a big family and stuff, but no daddy! So we are kinda alike!" he went on in his babbles.

Spencer's amused smile fell into a weighed frown. He didn't continue the subject, but her heart didn't continue to sting. That statement—it was like he was pouring salt on her already open wombs. It hurt. So much. Even if he didn't seem upset by his own discoveries, she was.

All throughout the movie she thought about everything— what Caleb said, what Noah said, what Emily said, what Toby said—her mind was racing by the end of it. She was so unsure of everything now; the only thing that was clear was that she needed to talk to Toby.

After tucking Noah into bed, and calling Toby three times—all going straight to voicemail, she decided she would take a visit to his loft. Hanna told her that she would watch Noah while she was out, and although she did not condone her behavior, she wished her luck on catching him.

The drive to his house went by quick. She didn't know if it was just her mind playing tricks on her or if she had exceeded the speed limit. Whatever the case was, she had not enough time to take under consideration of what she was going to even say. Her mind was so disorganized, everything was cluttered together, and it got so out of hand that she felt like she couldn't put herself back together. She needed to sort this all out with someone, she needed their help, and although she wished that Emily, or Hanna, or even Caleb, could just help rebuild herself, she knew that wasn't an option. The only person that could help her with the questions racking her brain was Toby.

When she got to his door, her heart tripled its beat. She couldn't even hear herself knocking on the door over the loud beating heart inside her. Her knocking and heart rate increased after a few minutes of the banging—was he not home or just not answering because he knew it was her? She sighed, her knocks becoming lazy, and her tiredness catching up with her—making her head throb.

It seemed useless, really. She had been knocking for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. If he was inside, he would surely get annoyed of the constant clanking coming from his doorway, right? She sure was getting sick of it. She sighed, turning around from the door. She wasn't going home without talking to him. She would campout here all night if she had too (well maybe not, she was a mother of a four year old of course, she couldn't be here all night, but she would definitely wait a few hours for him to make his self present.)

Sighing, she slid down the doorway, her knees projecting to the ceiling, and her head resting against the lower part of the door. Her eyes locked on her fumbling entwined hands. Her violet painted nails were chipping away, and her skin was parched. She was such a mess, really. And maybe she has been a mess since high school.

After everything with Toby, she had to pick herself backup, put her jagged pieces back together. The reconstruction of herself resulted into something completely different than herself though. The Spencer Hastings—the one she hated growing up with—vanished. She changed. A lot of things altered her personality, but Toby's betrayal that was what flipped her whole world around. It changed everything, not just herself, but the world around her too.

She was no longer this collected individual anymore. She most certainly did not have her shit together. She relied on people. She was dependent on others. And maybe that's how everyone was in this world. Broken. Relying on others to put them back together, but only hurting themselves more in the process.

She always thought she could do it on her own that if these people presence didn't determine her state of mind. She didn't need them to get through the harsher days; she could do it on her own. But she was wrong. She would have never gotten through anything if it weren't for her friends. She would have been drowning in a pit of despair by the second week of A's texts. She wouldn't have survived. They were her life jackets, and sure she could swim, but that made it a hell of a lot harder.

And maybe how that's how it was with Toby too.

He was always there for her. Their relationship was not consisted of honesty, not at all, but that didn't make it any less real. The feelings—they were there. He kept her sane for all that time; made her feel safe. When disaster struck, those feelings left; they went away for a long time. Only up to a couple weeks ago was she feeling them again. She was possibly falling in love with him all over again, and just like last time she was scared; scared of what the future would hold for the two. But this time, she wasn't just scared, she was terrified. Terrified of those feelings because of all he's done.

He did things to protect her, yes. He did a lot. He would probably do anything. Anything at all to protect her. He told her he always tried—tried to keep her safe and did some awful things in the process. But she didn't understand how he could just leave after all that? Leave her with some dumb letter that left her clueless—that didn't let her in on the secrets he possessed. How could he just go? Leave her alone, and give up on everything?

Maybe that scared her the most.

Maybe she was afraid of yet another abandonment.

The sound of footsteps met her ears. Her head instantly bobbed up at the noise, turning slightly to the end of the tiny hall where the sound was coming from.

He rounded the corner from the staircase, and met her eyes from the end of the narrow and shallow hallway. His eyes were squinted slightly as he walked. Neither said anything until a few steps later when he was standing right in front of her, hovering over her, looking down on her, slightly confused.

"How long have you been here?" he asked.

"Not too long." She shrugged.

He held out his hand for her to grab so he could help her up, and she took it, pushing herself off the floor in the process. Their eyes met in a sort of gaze before they let each other go. "Why haven't you been answering my calls? I've been trying to get a hold of you all week."

He sighed, his eyes moving southward. "I was visiting my dad. I was gone most of the week. I didn't really have my phone on much; I just figured we could both use some time to think about things…some space. I should have told you, I'm sorry." He looked at her now.

Her eyes flickered slightly "no, it's fine. I practically exiled you, I shouldn't be upset when you leave town…" her lips pursed to the side, as her arms wrapped around herself "besides, it's not like we are dating or anything, I don't need to know all your whereabouts" she mumbled.

"Do you want to come in?" he offered. "I mean, this hallway is pretty nice and all, but my loft is actually renovated now. I mean it's not exactly furnished to the greatest extent, but it's at least it has heating."

Spencer smiled slightly. The last time she saw the loft it was in terrible, beyond terrible shape. But that was in July. It was probably beautiful by now "sure" she nodded.

She stepped aside so he could open the door, and followed him afterwards. Her eyes danced across the room the second she stepped in. Like, she predicted, it was completely wonderful. The ceiling fan looked new, and cracked warring away wooden floors were now replaced with beautifully red oak. The walls were completely stripped of the paint, revealing the brick behind it. It fit the room well, and she agreed with his decision to not paint over it again.

Like he said, there wasn't much furniture. It was pretty desolate, and felt lonely just looking at it. There was a futon in the middle of the room—where she presumed he slept—and a few books scattered around it. His kitchen was the only thing that was packed. He had an assortment of cereal lined up on his counters and macaroni boxes piled up on the top of his fridge.

"You can sit down, if you like" he gestured to the futon sitting in the middle of the room.

She sat down in the futon, glancing around the room once more, but it wasn't because she was taking in her surroundings this time, she was ignoring his stare "Do you want anything? Coffee?"

"No thanks," she replied, her mouth pressing together as her eye fell onto her the backs of her hands making circles on the futon.

A small sigh escaped his mouth before he sat next to her. She was alarmed at his sudden closeness. Her head jolted up, and their eyes met. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. The spell was already casted, and she was once again bewitched by Toby Cavanaugh.

Her hands came to a gradual stop, but stayed planted on the futon. Her teeth secured on her inner lip, and heart once again accelerated at the jump start.

"Did you come here to talk about something…or?"

She cleared her throat. "Yeah," she finally dropped the trance. Her fingers dug into the fabric, her index finger and her middle finger walking across the line of stitches in the futon, almost. "I've been thinking a lot about us…"

She could feel him focused on her even more now, causing streaks of anxiety to run through her system. "I'm…I don't know what's right anymore…" she continued, her voice lacking the confidence she wish she could get a hold of, "and I guess…I'm just here to hear you out." She looked at him now, a half smile being forced, and her eyes glistened with a slight remorse.

He gulped. "I—I understand why you are scared, Spence…I did everything imaginable to screw things up...and I could have done better, a lot better. But I promise you, if you give me another chance, I swear I will never make those mistakes again."

She looked away, feeling her irises being captured by tears.

He took her hand, massaging her knuckles, and squeezing her palms. "Please."

She looked at him again, swallowing the potential tears. "I just…why didn't you try harder? Why did you give up? Why did you leave, and give me some dumb letter that didn't even explain things to me? If you told me…maybe I could have prevented things from happening. I could have put an end to it all."

"I was scared" he confessed "I was scared for me, for you."

"So you think you would be helping me by leaving town?"

"No…look, Mona said if I left, she would leave you alone—for good. You would be safe, and she wanted me gone. At the time, it just seemed like the best bet…I didn't know what to do anymore. I was so far in and—I just. I didn't know what to do."

Spencer figured Mona kept her promise, not much happened to her after Toby left, but she considered that being the clue to Mona having a heart—apparently not.

"Maybe physically…but," she huffed "Hanna—she almost died, twice! Within one month, and—just—you leaving me…" she shook her head. "It hurt…and I want to forgive you, but I can't."

"You don't have to forgive me right now, Spencer. You can take all the time you want…but I will never leave. If you let me, I'll stay with you forever. This is the only place for me, Spencer. Let me show you that I'll stay…that I'll never leave again."

"What if it ends terribly?" she tilted her head in his direction after a moment, the corners of her lips weighed down by anchors.

"What if it doesn't? What if we can have what we both want? Spencer, you think the possibility of you actually getting what you want is unattainable, but it's not…you just have to take a chance. Take a chance on me."

She looked at him for a while, her eyes flickering back and forth at his stare. The oceans of his eyes were calm, and bright. Steady. Soothing. When she looked into them her whole world went still, was pressed on pause, and her mind finally cleansed. Its pace weakened, and she finally knew the answer she had been searching for.

She didn't say anything, her lips worked in another way. She pressed her lips to his, pulling her hands up to cup his face. Their lips clashed together attentively; their mouths falling ajar to each other's presence.

The kiss started off light as a simple snowflake falling in the middle of winter, but ended like a blizzard; fully packed and making everything seem fuzzy.

His hands reached her lower back, pulling her closer to him, needing her to be right next to him.

Feeling her in his arms, it was too much. The thought occurred to him so many times that he may never get the chance again. That he would have to go on in life without her. It all felt like a dream, so surreal to be possible, but at the same time the realest thing he's ever known.

She pulled away, her eyes fluttering open. Her hands were still the sanctuary for his face, and his hands were still blessed with the hold on her back. Their faces were close, their breathing bouncing of one another. She settled her forehead on his. Their eyes finding each other again "living without you was too hard" she quietly murmured "I don't think I can do it anymore."

A grin penciled on his features. He nuzzled his nose against hers, giving her the slightest of an Eskimo kiss "me either."

Her smiled sketched all the way to her ears as her hands bypassed the sides of his head and fell into a loop around his neck. She couldn't suppress the smile on her face. She tried to restrain it with her teeth, but it just busted out each time "we should probably take things slow."

He nodded, his smile mimicking hers.

Their lips collided once more into a passionate kiss. His hands bringing her to the closest point she could possibly be.

Apparently that wasn't close enough for her hand pushed at his chest lightly, causing him to fall on his back on the futon. She followed his lead, her body pressing against his.

Toby stopped kissing her first, which caused her to look at him in confusion. Her hair was flailed out into front of her face, her eyes fixated on him, and her breathing heavy.

"I don't think this is really qualified as taking it slow…" he said, a smile erupting on his face in the middle of his sentence. He couldn't help but laugh. Not at his joke, or anything funny, really. It was more of just a happy laugh. An enthusiastic explosion.

She laughed too.

"You're probably right." She smiled, but she didn't move. She stayed planted on him though, looking down at him with those beautiful copper eyes.

He moved the strains of hair blocking her face behind her ears so he could get a better look at her. He didn't remember ever feeling this happy. The last four years, he had been suffering completely; he was alone in every way possible and had no hope for anything remotely good in his life to ever greet him, again.

But he was wrong, oh so wrong because the best thing that he could ever want, ever ask for, happened.

did you smile? did you cry? I SURE WAS SMILING? is that weird? hahaha

Ok well give me your thoughts on this chapter purty please

the next one will be the last and then the epilogue!