Pride of the Goblins
by Lord Dragon Claw
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter, Rumiko Takahashi owns "Ranma 1/2" and the Jim Henson Company owns "Labyrinth".
WARNING: This fic contains spoilers for "Goblins' Fist". If you don't wish to spoil how that story goes, then you want to hit your back button. If you don't care, read on!
Chapter One: Not Quite According to Plan
Ranma had been the Goblin King for nearly seven years now, and he had no fewer than nine-hundred sixty-seven assassination attempts made on his person by his subjects. Ranma didn't care. He had many, many people try to kill him for various reasons over the course of his life.
However, life as King was beginning to get boring. Two years ago, the attempts on his life had begun to cease in their frequency, and just five months ago they stopped altogether. Ranma didn't have much to do other than observe Earth and defend his kingdom from the high elves, the orcs, the gnomes, the dwarves, and the humans of the world of Marasceene.
Ranma's kingdom, within the center of which was a gigantic Labyrinth where the goblins lived, was allied to only one other race on the world of Marasceene: the yetis. Ranma was the first Goblin King ever to have made a permanent alliance with another one of the races, and it was with the race that had at one time hated the goblins the most.
The Labyrinth, a sprawling maze built with whatever materials were at hand and with chaos magic, had been built on top of a nexus of chaos. In its center was the Goblin City. Within the City's center was the Castle. Within the foundation of the Castle was where the nexus of chaos was located. Just below the nexus was a portal known as the Shade Nexusgate, which was the only means of traveling from Marasceene to any other world, especially Earth. But this was not where Ranma was. Ranma was in the Impossibility Room - a room so saturated with chaos and magic that the laws of physics had ceased to exist within it. Ranma felt that the Room looked like an Escher painting. It was here that he contemplated the past and the future.
That was precisely what he was doing.
Ever since the previous Goblin King, Jareth, had retired (Jareth was the first Goblin King to ever retire, rather than being replaced in a coup d' état) Ranma had been taking advice from his predecessor - an act that was unheard of in the Goblin Kingdom, and not just for the fact that all the previous Kings had killed their predecessors. Ranma knew, from Jareth, that all of his predecessors had done some sort of horrible prank to the humans and other beings of Earth. For Jareth's predecessor, it was the Nekoken Training Manual. For Jareth, it was convincing the entrepreneur known as "Bertie Bott" that his jelly beans should be made of every flavor. Literally.
Ranma had yet to choose what his prank would be. And he couldn't think of a thing, even here, in his favorite place, when he first became the heir to the goblin throne. That seemed like it was forever ago, back when he was still a human. Back when he was six years old.
"Enough reminiscing," he said to nobody but himself. "I need inspiration. Perhaps I should go to Earth and see what I could do to the mundane side of the world or to the mystic side... Yes. Yes I should."
It should be interesting to note that Earth had a mundane side and a mystic side. There was the wizarding community, populated by humans who could do magic and various magical races. That was the mystic side. The mundane side was populated by non-magical humans who were ignorant of the mystic side. Ranma was born in the mundane side. When he became a goblin, he became part of the mystic side.
Ranma leapt from his perch on one of the sets of stairs onto another one that was at a ninety-degree angle to the one he was on before. When he landed, he orientated himself so that he was standing "upright", and went through a doorway. Down another flight of steps, he reached the Throne Room. From there, he went down another stairwell to the Servants' Quarters. He went and found a door that had the name "Hoggle" carved into it. He kicked it open. Hoggle was inside.
Hoggle was the son of a male dwarf and a female goblin (the dwarf was extremely drunk). Hoggle was one of the first goblins to meet Ranma during his first visit to the Labyrinth. Since then, the half-dwarf became Ranma's butler. Hoggle had a long, fat nose, deep-set eyes, and a generally ugly appearance.
"GAH!" said Hoggle as his door was kicked off of the hinges. Again. "Oh. Sire, you startled me!"
"Shut it, Hopper."
"Hoggle," corrected the half-dwarf. For the nth time
"... You know I can never remember your name. Anyway, I need you to be in charge until I find Jareth. He'll be in charge from the time that he gets here until the time I get back. Understood?"
"Clear as crystal."
"Good. Hop to it!"
"Let me get this straight: you want me to play babysitter for your kingdom while you go gallivanting off to Earth to find something to do?"
"... That about sums it up," responded Ranma. "Will you do it?"
Jareth turned to look at Ranma. They both had white hair that was standing on end for the most part (Ranma had a pigtail in the back). They also both had some really weird eyebrows. However, Jareth looked a little older than Ranma, and not just because Ranma was shorter. It was because Jareth was about sixty years older than Ranma.
"How long will you be gone?"
"No longer than twenty-four hours."
"Fine. Using the Shade Nexusgate?"
"Of course."
"Have fun then."
Ranma had changed shape so that he was an owl. A black owl. He was flying around England. He noticed that other owls had been flying around in great numbers, but they hardly went in the same direction. Ranma quickly realized that these were messenger owls belonging to wizards and witches.
As he continued to fly around, he noticed an odd-looking cat sitting on the wall to the yard of the fourth house of Privet Drive, in Little Whinging, Surrey. Ranma landed on the roof of the house so that he could observe the cat without the cat seeing him.
Suddenly, one of the lights on the street went out. Ranma looked in the direction of that light as more of them went out. He saw a wizened old man holding a small metallic object. Every time the old man would squeeze the object, another light would go out. Once all the lights were out, the old man went and sat down next to the cat and straightened his purple cloak.
"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."
Ranma's suspicions were confirmed. The cat was actually an animagus, a mage who turned into an animal. The cat transformed into a severe-looking woman. She wore glasses with square frames and an emerald cloak.
"How did you know it was me?"
"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."
"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day."
"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."
Celebrating? wondered Ranma. Why would the magic folk be celebrating?
"Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right." She sounded impatient. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head towards the living room window of the house Ranma was perched on. "I heard it. Flocks of owls... shooting stars... Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent - I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."
What are they celebrating? Stop beating around the bush!
"You can't blame them. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."
Eleven years? What happened eleven years ago? What happened today! Bloody figs, what is going on!
"I know that. But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."
Hmm... perhaps I should have dyed my hair so that I could walk around in the daylight. Perhaps "overhear" a couple of these alleged rumors.
She continued, after giving the old man a sharp, sideways glance, as if expecting him to say something. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"
So the old man is named "Dumbledore"? Wait a minute... who is "You-Know-Who"?
"It certainly seems so. We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"
"A what?"
"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."
"No, thank you. As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone -"
"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort."
Professor McGonagall flinched. Ranma took note of this. Dumbledore, who was unwrapping two lemon drops, seemed to take no notice whatsoever.
Ranma's mind was racing. He only half-listened to the conversation.
Eleven years... four years before I came to power. I stopped paying attention to the wizarding side at about that time. Have I heard the name Voldemort before? Yes. Yes I have. Ryouga spoke of him. Said something about him asking for Bakusai Tenketsu training from Ryouga. Good thing the Eternal Lost Boy didn't give it to him. I'll have to ask Kho Lon if this Voldemort visited any of the Amazon villages. Seems this "Dark Lord" left quite a legacy if people fear to speak his name, even after he is dead. I wonder if I should impersonate this Voldemort, as a prank?
Suddenly, the conversation became interesting again. Professor McGonagall was speaking.
"... You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"
She seemed anxious to discuss this point.
"What they're saying," she continued, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead."
Godric's Hollow, eh? The Potter family? I have some research to do.
The old wizard bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.
"Lily and James... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it... Oh, Albus..."
Albus Dumbledore? Oh. That name definitely sounds familiar... I'll look him up later.
The old man reached out and patted her on the shoulder, saying "I know... I know..."
Her voice began to tremble. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. But - he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone."
Very interesting. But why meet here, of all places? Why talk here? What is the significance of... Ranma checked the address. What is the significance of Number Four, Privet Drive
Dumbledore nodded.
"It's - it's true? After all he's done... all the people he's killed... he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"
"We can only guess. We may never know."
Well, I aim to find out. Once I find the boy, then I'll find out.
Professor McGonagall pulled out a handkerchief and started dabbing her eyes with it. Dumbledore pulled out a gold watch from his pocket and examined it. Ranma noticed it was a different kind of watch. It had the planets orbiting the outer edge, and had twelve hands. Dumbledore put it back into his pocket.
"Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"
"Yes," replied Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"
"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."
So that's why they're here. That means I can steal him away before dawn. Perfect.
Ranma heard how the Dursleys behaved - they hated anything out of the ordinary and they spoiled their child rotten. He also heard how Harry's name would be famous, and how that fame would be bad for him; Dumbledore had apparently written a letter to explain this to the Dursleys. Evidently, this Hagrid was bringing the boy. Just as Professor McGonagall was going to criticize Hagrid for being careless, Ranma heard the sound of a motorcycle. It was coming from above.
Wait... above? He looked up to see a large man riding a large motorcycle descending to the road in front of the house. The size of the man seemed to defy description, though Ranma guessed that he was large enough to wrestle a troll and win. He had wild, long tangles of bushy black hair and a large black beard to match. In his huge arms he held a bundle wrapped in blankets.
Ranma smelled the smell of babies. It was a smell Ranma was quite acquainted with, having spent much of his life learning from a goblin matron. He knew that the bundle contained only one child though. He also knew who it was.
Dumbledore was relieved. "Hagrid. At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"
"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the gigantic man as he carefully climbed off of the mechanical monstrosity. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir."
Sirius Black? I'll have to look into him as well then.
"No problems, were there?"
"No, sir - house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."
Yadda yadda yadda. Get on with it! Leave him here so I can steal him!
Ranma watched impatiently as Hagrid said a long and mournful goodbye to Harry Potter. McGonagall and Dumbledore also paid their respects. Hagrid left on his motorcycle, McGonagall turned into a cat and scampered off, and Dumbledore walked to the corner of the street. He pulled the metallic object out of his robes again, and gave it another squeeze. All the street lights came back on again. Then the old man turned the corner and was gone.
Ranma slowly and quietly moved along the peak of the roof until he was perched just above the doorway. He gave a quick look around, checking to see if anyone was looking. When he saw no one, he leapt towards the ground.
Ranma landed silently in his human form next to the slumbering baby. Seeing a number of tracking charms on the baby's person, Ranma held out his right arm, palm facing the sky. A clear crystal sphere the size of a baseball rolled out of his sleeve and into his hand. He crouched and waved the sphere over the sleeping boy's restful form. When he did so, the interior of the sphere changed colors and became clear again.
When Ranma stood up, he was holding Harry and the sphere had taken his place on the doorstep. Ranma began roof-hopping to get to a secluded spot. He found one in an alleyway not too far away. Ranma kicked his leg forward, and another sphere appeared from under his foot. It traveled in a lazy arc and burst into a kaleidoscope of lights and colors when it hit the ground. Where it had landed, an oval shape appeared, floating in the air. It was a plethora of colors, most of them darker hues. Ranma leapt through it. The portal closed after him.
The next morning, Petunia Dursley thought that the clear crystal sphere was a strange but beautiful object, so she placed it on a stand on the mantel over the fireplace.
A week later, the Dursleys were arrested by the Ministry of Magic for losing Harry. Vernon and Petunia were sold into slavery to the goblins at Gringotts. Dudley was placed into an orphanage.
The Ministry made a thorough investigation of the area and found few traces of magic. The traces they did find happened to be elements of chaos magic. But certainly, no one would be foolish enough to dabble into chaos, for the very nature of it made it quite unpredictable and it had random side-effects. Attempts of trying to correct the side-effects while casting such a spell would cause one of three things: the spell would be a dud, the spell would be crippling to all involved, or the spell would be fatal to the caster.
One thing they did find was a single crystal sphere, wherein contained all of the tracking charms that had been placed on the boy. They knew that a master magician must have kidnapped Harry, but hadn't killed him.
Dumbledore, who was the last to have seen Harry, assured the Ministry that the boy was quite alive and healthy. He had made several tracking devices that were keyed to the boy's blood. Although the direction and distance meters seemed to be going haywire, the ones that monitored his health, moods, and safety, were working perfectly well.
The direction meter swung in a circle that took twenty-four hours to make a single revolution. The distance meter was always just over the maximum range he had set it to.
After several months, the Ministry decided to release the Dursleys, but the goblins at Gringotts claimed to have sold them to another tribe of goblins. When the Ministry demanded that the Gringotts goblins tell them which tribe and where they lived, the goblins threw them out of the bank.
Hrekkin was a small, diminutive goblin. He was only a foot tall and wore simple robes. He was carrying a large newspaper as he ran through the Castle to meet King Ranma.
"Sire!" he squeaked as he entered the Throne Room. "News from the wizards' side!"
Ranma, who had been playing with one of his sons, Soun (now three years old), turned to see Hrekkin carrying a newspaper as large as the runt was. He handed Soun off to his mother, Nabiki, and grabbed the paper. Hrekkin held on tight so he could show his King the article that was the point of interest. Ranma looked at the title of the newspaper. It read "The Daily Prophet".
Gringotts Goblins Delay Investigation of Lost Boy
Earlier today, the Ministry of Magic was seen being thrown out of
the London branch of the Gringotts Bank. The Ministry reported
that it was simply trying to interrogate a couple of prisoners that
the goblins were holding for them, but the goblins refused.
"Stop asking stupid questions," one Gringotts employee said when
our reporters were finally allowed to enter the bank.
The prisoners in question were Vernon Dursley and Petunia
Dursley, husband and wife. They have been charged with
irresponsibly allowing their nephew, Harry Potter, to be
kidnapped by an unknown entity that left but a single clue
to the whereabouts of the boy.
All that the Ministry could find of the boy was a single crystal
sphere with the boy's tracking charms sealed within it. Members
of the Ministry refused further comment.
Harry, known to be the one to have stopped You-Know-Who, was
last seen by the infamous Professor Albus Dumbledore of the
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Dumbledore assures
us that wherever the Boy Who Lived is, he is safe, healthy and
happy. Our journalists will keep the wizarding community up-
to-date with the latest regarding the young Mr. Potter.
Ranma laughed.
"What's so funny, dear?" asked Nabiki while her son grabbed Hrekkin's robes and tried to pry him off of his father.
"The sheer amount of chaos stirred up by my act of... 'adopting' Harry is highly amusing."
"Really? What does the article say?"
Ranma repeated it to her. The entire throne room (except Hrekkin, who was being tortured by Soun) began to laugh.
Several weeks later, Sirius Black was arrested for the deaths of Peter Pettigrew and twelve Muggles. Ranma took interest in this. He waited for Black to be sent to Azkaban, the most horrifying prison in England.
Ranma set out to sneak into the prison, but he soon discovered that the grounds were guarded by dementors, some of the deadliest creatures on the planet of Earth.
So Ranma switched to Plan B. He sent a single crystal sphere to Azkaban. The dementors couldn't detect it. Neither could the Ministry of Magic.
Sirius was surprised to find that a crystal sphere was sitting on the windowsill of his cell. He picked it up. An image began to show within it. He saw a man with wild, white hair and strange eyebrows.
Greetings, the image said to him within his mind. Sirius Black, I presume.
"Yes. Who are you and what do you want?"
Were you ever a supporter of Voldemort?
"No. You still haven't answered my question."
Persistent, I see. Very well. I am Saotome Ranma. I am the current Goblin King. I want to know some things about you.
"Goblin King? Very well. Ask away."
Did you trade James' and Lily's lives for your own?
"I would never betray them! That is what Peter Pettigrew did. And I failed to kill him."
I see. Would you like to know where your godson is?
"Of course! Is he alive? Is he well! Is he happy!"
Ranma's telepathic voice laughed. Yes, yes, and yes. I have him here, with me. I have adopted him and I'll be taking care of him. I'll also see if I can't get you out of that prison legally.
"Why would you do such a thing for me?"
As Goblin King, it is my duty to sow chaos in the world. Having you released from Azkaban would cause panic with some people. On top of that, I have seen your school records. Very impressive.
"What's in it for you?"
You are currently the head of the Black Family, are you not?
"Well, yes. Regretfully, I am the Count Black."
Good. I have an idea that will anger Dumbledore to no end...
Ranma visited Gringotts soon after his talk with Sirius Black. He was instantly recognized as the King and was served immediately. One of the goblins, Griphook, was sent to cater to Ranma's every whim.
"Well, Griphook, do you know why I came here today?"
"No, Sire. I do not."
"You know I have Harry Potter, correct?"
"Yes, my liege."
"I want you to keep a transaction record for all of the Potter family's accounts."
"To what point and purpose?"
"To the point that I say it is no longer needed. The purpose? I suspect that someone may have been dabbling in the Potter family's accounts. Who has been coming in with his keys?"
"Professor Albus Dumbledore."
"Ah. I guessed as much. Keep the records for evidence in court in a few years. Maybe when young Mr. Potter has become old enough to go to Hogwarts?"
Griphook laughed. Most (but not all) the goblins liked their new King, partially because he was just and fair, and partly because he was a psychotic trickster with kleptomaniac tendencies.
End Chapter One.
Next Chapter: Enrollment.
Author's Notes
Bleh. I can't write HP fanfics to save my life, so I'm brain dumping this.