Disclaimer don't own Anything Boosh related.

Thanks to Flowerchild1987 and PsychedelicFox for the review and pointing out the spelling and grammar errors. Fixed my software so hopefully I won't have anymore of those.

Chapter two – Relations, rainstorms and the crunch.

"Oh, how could you two sell that?"

"You said you wanted us to sell stuff."

"Yeah, but not from a shelf clearly marked do not sell anything from this shelf!" Naboo said motioning to a sign hanging from the shelf. "Do you two know where she was heading?"

"No we only got her name."

"Great." Naboo said sarcastically. "You two, close up shop and see if you can find her, Bollo and I will go talk to the board of Shaman." They were off in a flash. Howard went left down the street as Vince went right as Naboo and Bollo hopped on his magic carpet.

Meanwhile Jade had found her way to a building somewhere downtown. Looking up she saw big, bright neon orange sign with pink letters. The Velvet onion. She looked down at a piece of paper in her hand.

"This looks like the place." Jade walked in looking around the club. There was a small crowd standing around watching the band on stage. She noticed a door with a sign that read manager, keep out, I hate whites! She walked over and knocked on the door. When she didn't hear an answer she opened the door and walked in. Inside was a small office with indigo walls. There standing behind the desk was a pudgy man all in denim his shirt too tight some of the buttons looked as if they were going to burst. To top it all off he was dancing to I shot the sheriff playing on the radio.

He wiggled around shaking his butt as the song played before he started reaching up and mimed plucking things out of the air and shoving the invisible objects into his mouth. Jade stood there watching the scene unfold before her with a look of confusion on her face. The man continued his dance by turning sideways, grabbing his head and pushing it up and down. He turned the other way and repeated the process. Suddenly he jumped and faced forward letting out a loud, ear-splitting screech. Jade walked over to the desk, leaned over and shut the radio. That's when the man picked up the phone and said "and that's why I didn't shoot the deputy."

"Hello Bob."

"Who are you?"

Jade shook her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I swear I think you were adopted. I'm you cousin ya dope."

"I don't have a cousin."

"I'm your aunt's kid."

"Aunt? Aren't those the picnic stealer with all the legs?"

"NO, those are ants the insect. I mean aunt the lady that is your moms sister."

"Oh, so what brings you here?"

"I'm moving here and my mom said you would help me find a place. Living in a hotel isn't fun or cheap. I need a place that I can afford."

"Do I look like I'm running a charity house for wayward animals here. I'm not helping you find nothing, you got that! Look at you your so tiny I can rest my drink on your head!"

"So you're not going to help me?" She asked with a sigh. "Fine, can I at least use your phone?"

"Go ahead."

Jade picked up the phone and began dialing a number. She waited a few minutes before talking. "Hello. Auntie Fossil?" Bob looked up in shock and began chasing Jade around the desk trying to take the phone from her. "Yeah I have some one here that want's to talk with you." She said before Bob took the phone from her hands.

He covered it up and whispered. "What's wrong with you? My mom thinks I'm in a POW camp in Nam."

"Are you going to help me, or am I going to find a payphone and tel auntie that her little Bobby Bob Bob is lying."

"You wouldn't!"

"I got a pocket full of loose change that says I can!" She jingled her jeans pocket letting him hear the change.

"All right I'll help you." He moved his hand from the phone and began talking gibberish into it trying to make it sound Vietnamese "Oi hing don chin bong Di." he then started speaking English. "Hi mom. . .yeah it's Bobby Bob Bob. . . No the war is still going. Did you get the package I sent you? Yes I know it was just a box of twigs and leaves covered in my own crap but there isn't much to work with here."

He then lapsed back into the fake Vietnamese "Hoy ring dong bok choy." then as if that wasn't bad enough he began imitating a machine gun yelling rat ta tat tat tat into the phone and whistling into the phone and making a boom sound. "Mom, mom I got to go I'm surrounded." Again he made the rat ta tat noise before hanging up the phone.

"You drive a hard bargain brat!"

Meanwhile

Naboo and Bollo flew through the sky on their way to meet with the board of Shaman. "Bollo. I'm having a panic attack. You don't think that the girl will figure out how to unlock the box do you?"

"Here drink dis." Bollo said handing Naboo a can of something. "Don't worry, Bollo drive da carpet."

Bollo steered the carpet over the trees as they got closer to the secrete meeting place in the forest where the Board of Shaman would meet.

Back in Dalston Vince combed the streets looking high and low for Jade but came up empty-handed. He walked past a shop and peeked in the window. His eyes lit up when he saw what was on display in the window. Quick as a flash he was through the door and in the shop.

Howard walked the streets calling for Jade. No reply came. He walked down an alley taking a short cut to the town square when he heard a familiar voice greet him.

"Helloooooooooooooooooooooo."

Howard flinched before turning. "Hello."

"I've missed my big strong love muffin." Eleanor said moving closer to Howard causing him to back up against the alley wall. "Come on love monkey, you like what you see don't you?"

"I'm not quite sure what it is that I am seeing."

"Hush hush Little Spaceman and come to momma!" She went to grab Howard and somehow he managed to duck out-of-the-way at the last second.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" He shouted as he took off down the alley.

"Come back my little love dumpling. I'm a woman in the prime of her life. Momma needs love squeezins!" She shouted as she followed Howard down the alley.

Naboo and Bollo finally landed the carpet and now stood before the Shaman council. It was Dennis who finally spoke up.

"What have you called this sudden meeting Naboo?"

"Well you see, there was an item in my shop that my roommates inadvertently sold. . ."

"An item? What item?" Saboo asked.

"I had a Xooberonian lock charm on a shelf marked do not sell and they sold it."

"Was there anything locked in it?"

"Yes."

"Naboo, this is a serious matter. If such a dangerous being was to get out chaos would ensue." Naboo looked at Dennis with a no shit Sherlock look on his face. "Has it been unlocked?"

" Not that we know of. I have the two that sold it looking for the girl now."

"Time and time again you come before us with these Jackanory stories. This time justice must be swift and severe!"

"Fortunately Saboo no harm has been done. The locket can only be opened by sliding the pieces into the right order under a full moon. Which is a complex process that a civilian would have no way of knowing." Dennis informed him.

"Oh, I'm Naboo, nothings ever my fault." Saboo mocked.

"What's it got to do with you?" Naboo said with a look of disdain on his face.

"It's got everything to do with me, and more to boot."

"Oh, and your perfect."

"I'm pretty good."

"Enough, until said time as the object and girl are found I will send out a few of you to help locate the object. Saboo you shall go. . ."

"Fine I'll take Kirk with me."

"You will not go with Kirk. Kirk is a loose cannon."

"Of course he is. I trained him."

"Kirk is a violent sexually deranged being from the fourth dimension."

"Kirk, is it true your still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind?"

Kirk looked over at Saboo and nodded. "Yes."

"Is there no one else I can go with. I don't want to spend my time with this pink cleft."

"Listen here sunshine. No one here is more qualified for this kind of activity than me. I can slot in with anywhere easily. I blend in like a ninja."

"A ninja? You're a pink alien with tentacles whose head is shaped like a bum."

Naboo and Bollo just looked at each other as the shaman argued back and forth. They shook their heads before Naboo elbowed his familiar and motioned to the carpet. The two made their way over, hopped on the carpet and headed home.

Vince in the mean time emerged from the shop wearing a poncho and large sombrero just as it began to start to down pour. He frowned and decided to head back to the shop. He made his way through the streets walking past a couple walking along the opposite side of the street. They seemed to be arguing about something.

Across the street Jade and Bob Fossil were flat hunting. Well actually it was more like Jade was flat hunting Fossil was whining.

"It's wet. How much longer? Can we take a break?"

"Shut it, or I'll call your mother again and tell her you broke your promise."

"I didn't forget the promise. I'm like the gray leg face man."

"The what?"

"You know the gray leg face man. He has four legs and another one attached to his face." He said placing his arm in front of his face to demonstrate something hanging.

"Uh, do you mean an elephant?"

"Wait say that again." He said pulling a recorder from his pocket and holding it up to her.

"Elephant." She sighed and threw her hands in the air. "I give up. I'm soaked through, and your whining is bugging me. I'm going back to the hotel."

At the Nabootique Bollo and Naboo were sitting behind the counter smoking a hookah. Vince was checking himself out in the mirror turning this way and that making the edges of his poncho flair out. Suddenly the door burst open and in walked Howard with a look of horror on his face. He stood there in a state of shock his face covered in lipstick marks and his hair messed and hat askew.

"What happened to you?" Vince said looking Howard over.

"It was terrible. . . horrible. . ."

From outside the shop Eleanor could be heard shouting. "Where are you my little love monkey? I know your hiding, when I find you I'm going to pound you like yesterdays beef!"

Howard made a beeline for the stairs running as fast as his legs would take him. Down below Vince Naboo and Bollo could hear him run across the floor and a door slam shut and the sound of several locks being locked. Then they heard the sound of something heavy like a dresser being pushed across the floor. Vince chuckled and Naboo and Bollo shook their heads. They were too stoned to care.

Eleanor popped her head into the open doorway just as Vince was about to shut it.

"Helloooooooooooooooooo. Has anyone seen my love muffin?"

"Yeah you just missed him. . . he went that way and ducked down the alley." Vince said pointing down the street. "If you hurry you can catch him."

Eleanor turned and walked out the door. "Hold on my little love muffin, momma's coming!"

Vince closed the door leaning against it laughing hysterically. After a few minutes he walked over to the stairs and yelled up.

"You can come down now love muffin!" with that they all heard the dresser being moved from the door then the locks unlock and finally the door open. Minutes later Howard popped his head in from the stairs when he saw it was safe he walked back into the shop.

"Did anyone find the girl?"

"Nope." Vince said shaking his head whacking Howard with the sombrero. "Apparently lover boy here didn't either. He did make some money." Vince reached in Howard's back pocket and produced a wad of bills. Howard blushed.

"It's not how it looks."

"Well we'll start again tomorrow. We have to find her before Saboo does or I'll never hear the end of it from that condescending twat."