Don't own the Boosh.

Chapter 3 : Three Shaman and a Little Lady. . .plus some other things.

It had been three weeks since Jade had visited the little shop with the strange keepers. She loved the clothes and knickknacks she had picked up, especially the strange statue that looked like a Picasso version of Bryan Ferry. She picked it up off the dresser and examined it turning it round in her hands.

"Cute." She said placing it back on the dresser and got up to get dressed.

She still had a flat to find, though she dreaded the idea of bringing her cousin along. That was going to be a chore. What Jade didn't notice is that after she had placed the statue on the dresser a piece slowly began to move and shift into another position.

Jade returned minutes later grabbed her jacket from off the back of the chair once the door closed behind her the statue began to glow a light shade of green.

"All right Naboo." Vince said looking up from his copy of Dazed and Confused. "What's that?" He asked as Naboo put a sign in the front shop window.

"I'm going to rent the spare room upstairs."

"The spare room upstairs? But that's my Jazzersize room." Howard complained ignoring what he had been doing in stationary village.

"Not anymore. It's because of you we need to rent the room. Your scaring away the customers with your tiny eyes and the adverts on the shutters."

"Adverts on the shutters?" Vince smiled and went back to reading his magazine." "What advert?" Howard continued.

"See for yourself." Naboo said pointing a thumb at the front door.

Howard walked outside and pulled down the shutter of the shop. A look of horror and shock came across his face. The shutter read Howard Moon male prostitute. Will expose himself for 50 euro, love you long time for 100 enquirer within. He threw up the shutter, walked back in the shop and went to the back of the shop straight away.

"Where are you off to?"

"To get the bucket Vince." Howard sighed as he walked into the back.

At the Velvet Onion Bob Fossil was in his office yelling at a pair of men that looked oddly like cavemen.

"What's wrong with you people? Throwing your poop at the audience is not a musical act. You stink! Your

terrible!"

The men stared at him for a second before one of them took a stick and tapped it on the floor and responded. "Topshop."

"You two numb nuts better come up with another act or your out of here. Your big time losers with a humpity hump. That's right. I said it. And if ya don't like it. GO EAT A NUN SANDWICH!"

"Topshop!"

"Don't Topshop me. I've been to Nam. Have you been in Nam? Of course you haven't. Cuz your in here and your not out there in the bush with the Charlie is creeping around on his belly waiting to shoot you in the rump with a bazooka until you scream MOOOOOOOOMY!" Jade waled into the office at this point and stood there watching the whole exchange.

Well at least he isn't dancing she thought to herself. "Now I want the two of you to get out of here and straighten up and fly right or your out of here!"

The two men walked out of the office not before one turned and flung something brown at Bob's head. It hit with a splat.

The room began to smell suddenly. Jade looked at Bob and sniffed the air. "Oh god. Please tell me that's not what I think it is." Bob wiped his eyes causing the brown mess to spatter on the floor and desk.

"I am not going out in public with you looking and smelling like that. "

Meanwhile

The sun was just dipping down on the horizon as the board of shaman were strategizing about how to go and find Jade and the statue.

"Have we located the Xooberonian lock charm?" Denise asked looking around.

"No, not yet. I will go and retrieve the charm this time."

"Good. I shall send you with Tony again."

"What? Come on." Saboo complained.

"What's your beef?" Tony said turning to face Saboo.

"He has no legs. He can't walk."

"How dare you. I come fully equipped with a papoose. If you need to move me around I slot in the back like a peanut. If you're against the papoose idea I have a wheel that clicks into my chin like a skate."

"What are you a kit?" Saboo piped in, in a rather annoyed tone before turning his attention back to Denise. "Do I have to assemble this kinder egg and take him with me?"

"This is my decision and it shall stand. Now go." Denise commanded.

The sun was gone by the time Saboo and Tony flew along. The moon shown bright in the sky lighting up the city below. The moon turned around and looked over the town.

"Jupiter is always waxing lyrical, he loves the sound of his own voice. He told a story the other day about a boy with no face, it went on for ages, it was awful!Saturn was sick on his own rings. Pluto was nonplussed, he told me that when Jupiter starts talking he mentally switches off!" Pausing, he looked around a bit before he continued to speak. " The full moon, the main moon, the chalky white ball bag hanging in the sky like a screwed up letter from a pedophile!I'm the moon!"

"Oh now you've don it you cleft. You've went and got us lost. You've got one job. One job Tony and that's to read the map"

"Me? I'm a master. My navigational skills are second to none. It's just that you've put the map too far away from me."

"You are a disgrace Tony."

"Actually, I feel a bit sick. I do suffer from motion sickness."

"Oh really, do you? If you can't even handle a little carpet, what are you going to do when we come to the crunch?"

"Oh my word! Are we back to the crunch? Here we go. The crunch this, the crunch that! Why are you so obsessed with the crunch?"

"You want to know about the crunch?"

"Yeah."

"Cuz you are about to meet the crunch a little sooner than me my friend!" Saboo swung his arm out and knocked Tony off the carpet. Tony began plummeting down to the town below.

"This is an outrage! Saboo you slag!"

Jade sighed as she walked the streets. She still hadn't found a place. They were too pricey, to dirty,too old, or she would need roommates and the ones that lived there were crazy. As she walked along she heard a faint sound coming from somewhere close by. Looking around she didn't notice anything so she shrugged and continued walking.

She decided to go and visit the Nabootique. She was a few feet from the front door when she heard the noise again. This time it was a bit louder and it sounded like it was getting closer. Looking to her left and right she didn't notice anything. That's when she look up and noticed a pink object falling from the sky.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. . . AN OUTRAGE!"

Jade reached out and caught the object in her arms. It was Tony. He wiggled round and looked at her. "All right. Who are you love?"

Jade looked down into her arms and let out an ear piercing scream before tossing Tony over her head and running into the store. She slammed the shop door behind her and leaned her back against the door panting as she tried to catch her breath. Everyone in the shop turned to look at her.

"Jade!" Vince shouted from behind the counter.

"Out there. . . pink ball. . . tentacles . . . sky. . ." Jade stammered pointing behind her a the door.

"Whoa there, slow down now." Howard said taking her by the arm and leading her over the big red barber chair.

Vince came over and handed her a cup of water "What happened?"

Jade took a sip before continuing. This time she was able to actually string together a full sentence.

"Outside, I was walking along the street and heard a weird sound. I looked up and saw something pink falling from the sky. I reached out to catch it and whatever it was turned around in my arms and started talking."

"What did it look like?" Vince asked fascinated by her story.

"I. . . I don't know. I only saw it quickly before I tossed it. All I remember was it was pink and had tentacles."

"Tony." Naboo said.

Jade looked up from the chair at the tiny shaman dressed like a genie. "Who's he?" She asked Vince.

"I'm Naboo, that's who."

At the hotel.

Bob Fossil stuck his head through the door and looked around. "Hello, cuzy cuz cuz. You here? It's Bob. Don't hit me with a wet noodle.

When he didn't find Jade he began poking around her room. He turned on the television and began flipping through the channels. When he saw nothing was on he threw the remote at the television and climbed up on the bed and began bouncing up and down.

"Bouncey, bouncey, bouncey, bouncey."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw something glowing green. He stopped bouncing and made his way over to the dresser where the statue was. Bob picked it up and walked over to the bed before plopping down on the bed and turning it around.

"Oh, puzzle."

He touched one of the arms of the statue and it moved. The glowing began to turn darker. It went from a pale shade of green to a lime green. The statue shifted again in his hand and Bob dropped it on the floor. At this point another piece shifted followed by another and yet another. Now the statue emitted a dark green light and began to spin. A blinding beam shot up from the statue lighting up the room like a baseball field. Bob covered his eyes. Just as sudden as the light shot up from the statue it was gone.

" Evenin' squire."

"What are you, how can I understand you?!" Bob shouted before he ran screaming from the room.