Garrus

I'm not a romantic.

I'm a turian, a soldier, and pragmatic, any one of which is usually enough to disqualify someone from being a romantic. Being all three at once means the odds go from improbable, straight through impossible, and all the way out to I can't stop laughing, but as soon as I do, I'm going to shoot you in the face.

I'm a lot of things, some of them very good. I'm an excellent shot, I'm loyal, I'm honest, I'm a good leader. I am (and both my friends and enemies say this, with varying levels of respect) an honorable person, in a galaxy that seems to pride itself on being the opposite.

I'm also awkward, prone to obsessing over calibrations, and more than a few people have commented that there is not enough alcohol in the galaxy to make me capable of public speaking.

And oh, the guilt. After Sidonis, I carried it like a stone around my neck, and it got heavier every day. I thought no one noticed I was breaking - not like a fault line, but a million tiny cracks. I'd been breaking for so long I barely let myself notice. The first crack came when I read the wordsmissing in action, presumed dead in a carefully written message from Liara, and every day afterward, there were more.

I wasn't there. Not at Alchera, not on Omega.

Now I know that Kasumi noticed, but she knew from bitter, bitter experience that some wounds can't be healed. The graybox made things easier, I think. She smiled at me, as much as she could, even when I didn't know how to respond.

Mordin noticed fluctuations in my chemistry, then prescribed workouts and changes to my diet.

Thane noticed, which was no surprise. All assassins are born romantics.

Shepard didn't notice. I didn't let her, the same way I didn't let her see the way I watched her, still stunned that she was in the same room, or that she was laughing at my jokes, or that sometimes the air I breathed had already been inside her lungs.

I'm not a romantic, and after Omega I didn't believe in asking for help. Not from Shepard, not when she'd already done so much for me. For the galaxy. I told myself it was enough that she was alive. I knew she didn't come back to life just for me but when I saw her in my scope, when I felt hope kindle in my chest, it felt like she had.

She gave me the chance to take the shot at Sidonis, even after all her big talk about mercy. She stepped away for a second, and I had the clear shot. I could have taken it, and she would have understood. I didn't take it.

The nightmares about my squad still came, just like the ones about Ilos, but now they felt like someone else's memories. I started sleeping again.

I wondered what was harder for her: standing in the path of my shot, or taking the step away.

That's not the sort of question you could just ask, even of someone like Shepard, But after six months and a galaxy's worth of distance, I had a mouthful of questions I could ask, and the plan started with me asking them. This time, when I got to her cabin, I didn't let the closed door turn me away.

All right, maybe just a little bit romantic.

Shepard

"Commander?"

"Yeah, EDI?" I was never going to get used to EDI's habit of pinging me when I was about to get in the shower, but at least this time she'd decided not to stroll in herself. My open - door policy was great in theory, but not so much in practice.

"You have several new messages at your private terminal. Kasumi Goto sent an update on the Crucible, Jack forwarded her students' deployments, and Feron has tracked the eezo smugglers to Eridani."

"Thanks. Oh, and EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"You do realize that Traynor is going to tell me exactly what you just told me once I get to the bridge, and then I'm going to read all the messages myself?"

"Of course, Commander. I merely wanted to delay your shower until Vega used all the hot water."

"What - why?"

"That was a joke, Commander."

"Right." I waited for EDI to make some final remark - getting in the last word had become her new obsession - but she was silent. I counted to thirty, then thirty again, just in case, before I stripped. If EDI hadn't been joking about Vega using all the hot water, we were going to be short one lieutenant.

The water wasn't hot, just warm. It felt good enough on my back that I washed my hair twice, just to let my muscles relax. The water turned icy as I debated working up a third lather, so I slung on a towel and padded out into my cabin.

"Shepard. Sorry to drop in without warning."

Goddamn open-door policy. I didn't yell, but I nearly dropped my towel.

"Jesus Christ! Garrus, what the hell -" was as far as I got before I processed who, exactly, was standing in front of me. Garrus Vakarian, in civvies, leaning against my fishtank.

"Is this a bad time?" His mandibles fluttered, and no matter how many times I'd seen him make that particular little gesture, I'd never been able to figure out what it meant. Sometimes I wondered if my smiles and blushes looked as strange to him as his expressions looked to me. I had always been a little envious that he had a whole range of body language that I would never understand.

"It's not ideal," I hedged. Years in the military meant I didn't have much left by way of physical modesty, but I'd have to walk around him to get to my closet and somehow, in defiance of physics, he seemed to be taking up more room than normal. "Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine, Shepard. Just wanted to talk. We haven't had much chance to catch up since I came on board." Garrus breathed in deeply. Under the light layers of his clothes, I could see the way his plates were bunched and uneven. I knew enough about turians now that I could read the way stress settled on their bodies, and before I could stop myself, I imagined running a finger over the seams in his carapace. My throat clicked when I swallowed.

"You sure? Cannons aren't giving you a hard time for leaving them in Adams' hands for six months?" He sighed and glanced away.

"I hoped you would rise above the temptation to mock me -"

"You know me and temptation, Garrus." I edged around him and down the stairs. I wasn't going to get dressed with him still in the room; maybe he'd get the hint if I started pulling out clothes.

"Actually, I don't." He came down the stairs, and the odd tension melted out of him with every step. "Care to enlighten me?"

I would have given every cent of backpay the Alliance owed me to know what the rumble of his subvocals meant. He was smirking, I knew that much, and standing too close for this conversation. I took a reflexive step back and tried not to be obvious when I tugged up my towel.

"Come on, Shepard. You can't just leave me hanging. What's this about you and temptation?" Some flanging note in his voice hit me right between my shoulderblades. When I turned around, he was slouched against the wall next to my closet.

It was easy to forget that turians were apex predators. I'd never been afraid of Garrus, and I wasn't now, but a cold finger still traced its way down my spine. I shivered.

The other easy thing to forget about turians is how much body heat they radiate. Warmth seeps out of their plates and into the air around them. If I took a step closer -

"I'm cold," I said. Garrus wrinkled his nose at me.

Then he moved, obscenely fast. I didn't have time to flinch before he was standing in front of me, scant inches away, and ran his fingers through the wet tangles in my hair. His hand was very warm, and he wasn't wearing gloves. I could see his talons in the corner of my eye.

Jesus. He'd never been this close, and I could count every time he'd touched me outside of combat in the single digits.

"Sometimes I wonder how you humans survived without producing enough body heat," he murmured, and I caught that flash of the predator again. His talons could rake me open from neck to stomach, and that made me shiver - but not from cold. This close, he smelled like sand and ozone.

A body is a funny thing. It has needs, like food and sleep, and as long as you keep giving it those at semi-regular intervals, it'll run for a while. Then there are the things a body wants, and it won't warn you before it reminds you that it's not just transportation. You can ignore the wanting for a long time, but sooner or later, you have to face it. I'd lasted almost two years, if you take out all the time I was dead and couldn't want anything.

Once or twice I'd let myself think about this, about the natural end of all the trust and affection I carried around for Garrus, and what would happen if he felt it too. In my head, he'd watch me without blinking, and make comments about soft skin and too many fingers, before he found a way to settle me against the curve of his carapace.

Teenage fantasies. Nothing more. I was fooling myself if I thought there was more than curiosity in his gaze. And why, I thought, would there be anything else? There's probably someone closer to home for him. For a moment, I thought I was choking.

"Miracles of evolution," I said, and had a miracle of my own when I didn't cut my eyes away from him.

He rumbled deep in his chest, close enough for me to feel it vibrate the air against my throat. "Don't you want to just be warm?" I clenched my fists, hard enough for my nails to break the skin.

"I would be, if you'd let me get dressed. Can't blame anyone but yourself if I freeze to death because you wanted to chat." My voice sounded muffled, a white-noise roar in my ears drowning it out. Garrus was so close, and if I didn't know better I'd say he knew exactly what he was doing. I dug my nails into my palms, wincing.

Garrus stiffened and twisted his head, scenting the air. I didn't get a chance to ask him what he was doing before he took my fist in his hand. I should have known from the way he handled his rifle that he could be gentle; I barely felt his talons as he uncurled my fingers.

Four bloody crescents dotted my palm. He stared at them, his face even more opaque than usual, then let my hand drop to my side.

"Bad habit," I said, even though he didn't ask.

"And bad timing," he replied. "I'll let you get dressed. But Shepard?"

"Yeah?" My voice was still steady. Small blessings.

"We have a lot of catching up to do. I'll find you later."

He was gone before I started to figure out what the hell had just happened.