Shepard

"I'm surprised at you, Commander," said Chakwas. She leveled her eyes at me. "You've been a model patient."

"Yeah well, having skin as thin as wet tissue paper is a great incentive for not moving," I replied, my voice gritty from not being used for almost a week. I was sick of the Medbay, but every time I had tried to walk, Chakwas materialized and glared me back into bed. I hadn't seen anyone, not since I woke up with Garrus cradling my head in his hands, alive and whole and older than I'd ever seen him look. I couldn't get warm after Chakwas pulled him away. Too much Mindoir in my head.

A week was long enough to be out of the fight. The vat-grown skin had almost blended with what had survived the tripwire, but I had a whole new set of scars that were too deep to be repaired. The worst was between my breasts, a six-inch long gash that glowed fever-red against the rest of my skin. I had some on my forearms and along my collarbone, but my face and neck were pretty much healed. I'm not particularly vain, but I was still glad my features hadn't been rearranged.

Some people on the Normandy would have asked me why I took the blast. The obvious answer is that it was soldier's instinct: get the bomb away from the civilians as fast you can. Not that Liara and Tali had been civilians in a long time, but compared to me, everyone was a civilian. The inner answer was about friends, and not wanting to lose any more than I already had. Liara's panic moved like oil, coating everything inside my head. I didn't have a choice - if it was her or me, it was always going to be me. And I knew, if our situations had been switched, Liara would've done the same.

"Well, I think you're almost ready to go back to active duty," said Chakwas. When I sat up, too fast and reeling, she gave me a smug look. "Almostready, Commander. I know you think you're single-handedly holding back the Reapers, but we've had a few victories while you were out."

"Yeah?" I tried not to get my hopes up. "Like what?"

"The rest of the civilians made it off Palaven and Menae - Garrus' plan worked. He even heard from his father."

"Oh, thank God," I sighed. I felt like all the air had been crushed out of me. Garrus' family had been the one subject I knew not to bring up - he already had enough guilt in his ruck to last two lifetimes when it came to them, but I checked the evac logs from Palaven whenever I had the chance.

"When God decides to step in, I'll join you in thanking him," said Chakwas. "Until then, all my respect goes to Garrus, and the turians who died to make sure the civilians made it off-world."

"Figure of speech, doctor," I said.

"Of course, Commander." She tapped her datapad and gave me a serious look. "If I release you back to your cabin and let you have visitors, do you promise to rest until I've cleared you for active duty?"

"I promise. Nothing more strenuous than answering my messages."

"Chambers told me horror stories about your private terminal. The thought alone is strenuous."

When I was finally allowed to lurch out of Medbay, Liara was waiting for me. I didn't doubt that she'd had every minute of the week I was sealed in Medbay recorded and analyzed, because she wasn't just my creepy genius best friend but the Shadow Broker too (I was repeating myself). I was so happy to see her that I couldn't speak. She just squeezed my hand, then slid a gentle, firm arm under mine and guided me to the elevator.

As soon as the door closed, she leaned in to whisper.

"Garrus has Victus and Wrex terrified into civil discussions. It's truly astonishing. Of course, it's taking longer this way without anyone storming out of the room at regular intervals, but don't worry. I've already set a ping for when he gets out."

I asked her a question with a raised eyebrow.

"It just says you're out of Medbay and resting in your cabin, and he is not to disturb you for any reason."

The laugh that tumbled out of my mouth was more like a rasp. "You're evil."

"Yes, I have been told that before," Liara said, completely serious. "Mostly, though, I'm just impatient."

"Impatient?"

Liara didn't answer. She just gave me her obscure smile and shifted so more of my weight fell against her side.

"How are my fish still alive?" I asked when we got to my cabin. I didn't ask about the hamster.

"Tali tinkered with the feeder, and now it dispenses food automatically. The feeder is even set up to order more food when it gets down to half-full."

"Huh. I never thought of that."

"And there are hundreds of small, aquatic corpses that can attest to that."

"Hundreds, Liara? Maybe twenty." I was too tired to put up a good verbal fight.

"Get into bed, Shepard." She toppled me onto the mattress and started tugging off my pants. When I tried to help, she just huffed at me and waited until I gave up.

"I'm a grown woman, Liara."

"One who just spent most of the last week in a near-coma, after trying to block a tripwire explosion with her body. Let me help." Liara pulled off my shirt and bra, and froze when she saw the scar between my breasts.

"Liara?"

"Don't do that again," she said, her voice flat and cold as shale. "Don't take a bullet for me. Don't shield me from the blasts. I'm not going to sit outside Medbay and wonder if you're going to make it because I was too stupid to get out of the way."

I half-expected her to start crying, but the Liara who let herself cry was gone.

Before I could stop myself, I thought of Garrus on Mindoir, bleeding and waiting for me to come back.

"It's not like it was before, with Saren and the Collectors." Liara didn't blink. "You don't get to take risks because your friends make mistakes. You're the only one who knows how everything connects. Without you, we lose."

"We could lose anyways, no matter what I do," I forced myself to say. This pitiless, hard Liara could tear me apart from the inside out.

"But not because of me. Tali agrees." Liara moved to my drawers and, unerringly, opened the right one. She pulled out my softest, oldest shirt, the one that had been washed so many times the hem was tearing, and eased it over my head.

I wanted to tell her I'd always watch out for her, that she was my best friend and nothing she said was going to make me not want to protect her, but the look she gave me erased whatever I was going to say.

"You need to rest, Shepard," she said, all compassion again, but I wasn't going to forget the vein of iron running through her. "Close your eyes."

She dimmed the lights as she left. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, wondering how I was supposed to win a war when I wasn't even allowed to sacrifice for my friends.

I dozed, on the slippery edge of unconsciousness, until my door slid open.

"Shepard."

Garrus came down the stairs and crossed my cabin in the time it took me to struggle up out of bed. For one long, uncertain moment, we faced each other, an arm's length away.

Do you understand now? his expression asked, impatient and terrified, the most unsteady I'd seen him since before the Collector Base.

I understood, and I couldn't speak. The force of him - his will, his concentration, and all his strength - poured down on me and I was drowning.

From a long way away I heard the way I was gasping, great greedy gulps of air that didn't seem to make it into my lungs. Almost dying was an occupational hazard, but seeing the shade of Garrus in those dark, cold hills pushed me right up against the end of what I could take. I remembered blue blood slick on old tiles, and the way a three-fingered hand clutched at a gun.

Someday I would run out of miracles. But not today, not with the last warm place in the galaxy standing in front of me.

Garrus caught me when I swayed, but instead of putting me back on my bed, he dropped to his knees and looped his arms around my waist. I steadied myself with my hands on his shoulders, digging in my nails when he pressed his face into my stomach.

He didn't tell me never again. We knew each other too well to make promises like that. The soft fabric of his civvies was skin-warm under my hands, and I couldn't resist sliding my hands up and over his neck. Garrus made a broken sound, deep in his chest, like a snapped twig, and I pulled him closer. He'd never been closer than this. Never close enough.

I licked my lips and wondered if turians ever felt the need to do the same.

"The thing about gravity." I felt him go still and warm against me. "The thing about gravity is that it's not about falling. Falling is just a side effect. Sometimes it hurts, but the important part is that gravity holds - it holds you where you need to be. Without gravity, there would be no solar systems, no stars, no event horizons." It had taken me three years to say all of this and it still wasn't enough. I kept trying. "There'd be no light. And when I tried to figure out how I felt - I mean, how I feel - that's all I could think about. You and gravity." Somewhere under my ribs, I was starting to shiver. Had I been this cold all along?

"I get it now," I said, even though my teeth were chattering. "You're here, you're real. This - this is real. I can stay."

Garrus lifted up his head and stared at me like he had never seen me before in his life. "You can stay and be warm," he murmured. My hands ached.

Maybe I had brought the rest of him back with me. I tried to think about that, but then the shivering took over and I slumped over him, one long line of relief and desire and something so sly and quiet it could only be love.