Aggie: Zumba kicked my ASS!

Moolie: You quit after 15 minutes.

Aggie: Yeah, well…shut up.

Ginny: Nice.

Donnald: Haroo!

Translation: Quiet, I'm trying to watch my Disney marathon!

Chapter Tres: Tofurkey

"Pickles! Get your pickles here! Adopt a pickle today!"

Azimah's heart stopped. "Oh no." She turned to see a portly fellow with a crazy beard, glasses, and shorts.

"Who is it?" Nora asked.

"The pickle man," Azimah whispered harshly. Noticing the serious tone in Azimah's voice, Nora asked no more questions. By then, the rest of the gang had caught up in the courtyard. All around them, preparations for the victory feast were being made. The Great Hall was being vacuumed and all the furs had gone to the dry cleaner.

The Fellowship stood in the center of the fray, surrounding the bright green painted 'PJ's Pickle Farm' cart.

"Not you again," Aragorn grumbled.

"May I pleeease have one?" Gimli begged Legolas, who was looking around for someone to help him. Legolas finally sighed.

"Well, I suppose we're not in mortal danger. Let's all have a pickle."

"Huzzah!" Gimli shouted, pulling out his dwarfy wallet.

"Right. What flavor can I get you folks?"

"Do you have elk meat flavor?" Nora asked politely.

"No."

"Oh." She looked at the cart. "Bread and butter, please."

"And what about you, my good sir?" The pickle man glanced at Gimli.

"I like 'em zesty," Gimli said proudly. "Like my sweet Bonnie."

After everyone collected their pickles, the pickle man threw back his head in laughter once more and ran off. "Sweet dreams!" he called over his shoulder. "That's foreshadowing!"

Eomer and Aragorn walked stately ahead of the group, talking manly things and munching on their pickles.

"Whoa, dudes! You're, like, the guys that totally saved Helm's Deep!" two young teenagers called out as they walked by. "We totally want to be heroes like you guys! We're gonna join the army, man!"

Drums begin to play in the background. "But do you have what it takes?" Eomer said quietly, swinging his head dramatically towards the camera. "Cut scene to the training field!"

*writers reluctantly cut to the training field.*

"Let's get down to business… to defeat… the Huns," Eomer belted out in a bold tenor as he swung his broad sword around. The men in the field raised their weapons with a mighty "Ha!"

"Did they send me daughters…" Nora and Azimah quickly frowned as they watched the performance.

"…when I asked for sons?" Eomer gave Legolas a quizzical look.

Aragorn suddenly sprang up in front of Eomer. "OH, I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KINGGGG!"

Eomer sloppily shoved him out of the way. "This is my solo! Get your own!"

As Eomer continued singing a classic Mulan hit, Azimah turned to Nora. "C'mon, let's go help Eowyn set the tables for the feast."

"Good idea," Nora responded as she followed her bro off set.

…

"Thanks for helping, guys!" Eowyn led Azimah and Nora to the palace kitchens. "We just need to get some supplies…"

Azimah and Nora stood in amazement as Eowyn pulled the kitchen doors open.

"Great Odin's Raven…" Nora murmured.

"Ditto..." Azimah gasped.

The kitchens were in full swing in preparation for the feast. There was food everywhere… Fat ducks baked with goats' cheese and fig preserves, spicy racks of meat sizzling over roaring fires, golden cakes studded with dried dates and walnuts, mushrooms cooking in thick brown gravy, hundreds of crusty loaves of bread, caskets of mead, flagons of hard cider, bottles of blackberry wine, gigantic wheels of cheese that could squash a hobbit, mounds of wild rice, roasted lamb with mint and rosemary, and of course a small platter of tofurkey for Gandalf, who was watching his figure.

"Ah, here are the tablecloths." Azimah and Nora's moment of nirvana was shattered as mounds of tablecloths were dumped into their arms.

"Let's get to work, ladies," Eowyn said cheerfully, grabbing a box of cutlery and leading them to the Great Hall.

…

"Tonight we remember those who gave their blood for the sake of this country." Theoden raised his flagon. "Hail the Glorious Dead."

"Hail!" echoed through the Hall.

Everyone tucked into the magnificent feast. As Nora began with a giant turkey leg, she looked to see Azimah draped in fuchsia and sunset orange colored silk. The dress was covered in golden patterns and she wore golden bangles. Instead of her usual veil, Azimah wore her dark hair cascading down her back in ringlets. A golden circlet connected to a thin purple veil just below her eyes that wrapped loosely down to her shoulders.

"You look pretty," Nora stated through a mouthful of turkey.

"Thank you," Azimah said stiffly as she adjusted her veil.

"You had that packed the whole time?" Nora asked once she swallowed her food.

"Well, you never know when a fancy occasion's going to pop up," Azimah replied.

"Well that's no excuse… Wait, are those bells on your ankles!"

"Shut up!" Azimah spat. "Plus, you must've had the same idea." She nodded to Nora's royal blue dress with a sweetheart neckline that rested just off the shoulders. Around her neck hung a thin silver furred cape with a silver star clasp. Her hair was done up in a braid that wound around her head.

Azimah raised her eyebrow at the state of Nora's boots.

"What? I only have one pair!" Nora yelled, trying to hide her fur travelling boots tied together with leather strips and caked with mud.

"So, what's your limit on drinks tonight?" Azimah asked.

"I'm going all out!" Nora replied happily. She quickly reached towards the nearest mug of ale and began chugging. Azimah shook her head disapprovingly, wondering if Nora was of the drinking age. She had never bothered to question her friend about her age.

"Hello, ladies," Merry said seductively. He and Pippin showed up in their best vests, Pippin in his best scarf as well.

"Come, m'lady," Pippin said, grinning as he took Nora's hand and led her towards the bar. Merry skipped after them, a bottle of Elderberry wine in hand. "We have some catching up to do, gents!"

…

"So, it's a drinking game." Legolas stood puzzled, gazing down at the mug that had been handed to him by Eomer. Gimli sat across the table, his fist on a flagon at the ready.

"Last one standing wins," Gimli laughed as he downed his first cup. Legolas tentatively raised the mug to his lips.

Eomer kept the drinks coming as the two competitors picked up speed. Legolas kept his empty mugs in neat rows while Gimli haphazardly piled them in front of him.

Gimli began muttering about swimming with little hairy women and roaring drunkenly. Legolas suddenly put down his mug and stared at his hand.

"What is it?" Eomer asked.

"A slight tingle in my fingers." Legolas looked around dramatically. "I think it's affecting me."

"What did I tell yah?" Gimli slobbered, shaking his fist in Legolas's direction. "He can't hold his liquor…" Gimli's eyes rolled back as he toppled out of his chair and came crashing to the floor.

"I win." Legolas smirked.

…

Thirty minutes later, Azimah found Gandalf cheerfully snacking on a plate of tofurkey.

"What are you watching?" she asked curiously.

Gandalf chuckled and pointed. There, Nora, Pippin, and Merry danced on a table, kicking mugs of ale and plates of food into drunk men's faces. One particularly grumpy man had gravy and mashed potatoes dripping from his beard.

"Why, you young whippersnappers!" he yelled.

As Pippin and Merry skipped along singing all the words perfectly to their Hobbit-y song, Nora hummed vigorously to the tune.

"You can drink your fancy ales, you can drink them by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and true comes from our Green Dragon!"

The crowd cheered as all three tipped back and drained their mugs. Pippin tripped off the table, dragging Nora with him. The two tumbled into the corner, Nora rolling on top of Pippin. In the middle of the drunken excitement, Nora seized Pippin's face and began kissing him lazily with an open mouth. The pair clung to each other, Pippin loosing Nora's cape in the process.

"Oh, dear," Azimah said, trying to push her way through the crowd.

"No, leave them in the sketch corner," Gandalf said wisely. "Let children be children."

Meanwhile…

"Alright. I'm gonna go talk to her," Legolas said courageously. The ale had started to take effect.

"Don't worry, bro, I got your back," Aragorn said.

Legolas was about to tell Aragorn that he didn't want him at his back, but as Azimah quickly slipped out of the front door he took his chance to follow her.

"Alright, everybody, gather round!" Aragorn called once Legolas had gone out of earshot. "We're going to have sopranos over here, altos to my right, and tenors and basses take the middle! Now, follow my step, and one, two, three…"

Meanwhile meanwhile…

Azimah stood on the steps outside the Great hall, staring up at the stars. The cold night air whistled over the plains.

"Quite a night, eh?" The wind whispered in her ear.

"Quite a few days," Azimah responded thoughtfully. "I wish I could figure out what that pain was."

"You're going to have to talk to him sooner or later, dear."

"You don't know that. I can hold a grudge as long as I want to," Azimah whispered stubbornly.

"No, dear, you don't understand. He's right behind you."

"What…" Azimah jumped as she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see a very roguish Legolas looking quite handsome in his silver tunic.

"The stars shine upon our meeting," he smirked, offering her a steaming flask.

Azimah was about to refuse when a particularly cold gust of air blew across the porch. Reluctantly, she accepted it, peering in to find it filled with hot spiced wine. She looked up to see Legolas toasting her with his own.

"Are you offering me a peace cup?" she asked, mildly surprised.

"You were always one for formalities," he said, smiling. "I see you're talking to me now."

"Don't get any ideas," Azimah said tartly. She pulled down her veil and took a sip of the wine. Legolas smiled at the sight of her face.

"Look, I just wanted to apologize officially," Legolas said graciously. "I don't expect you to forgive me right away, but…" He trailed off. There was a beat of silence.

"I suppose," Azimah began quietly, "we can go back to speaking terms. Start over."

Legolas nodded seriously. He was about to say something when the sound of African drums and the genius of Sir Elton John reached their ears. Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall burst open and out spewed a group of rowdy flash mobsters with Aragorn front and center.

"CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT?" they sang in eight-part harmony fortissimo, doing complex choreography.

Without saying a word, Azimah and Legolas walked in separate directions, avoiding any direct contact with the flash mob.

…

Nora sat at the bar, nursing a particularly large mug of mead. She heard somebody clear their throat behind her. She turned to look but she turned too fast and her head started to spin.

"Nora, I want to talk to you," Merry said as he climbed onto the stool next to her.

"'m listenin'," Nora slurred.

"It's about Pippin," Merry said seriously. Nora's facial expression changed to match Merry's tone. "Now, he was really heartbroken when you two 'separated' in Isengard. And now you're off dragging him into corners for a quick snog. He's my best mate, Nora, and a young lad at that. I'm not gonna have you messing around with his head like that."

Nora guiltily pushed the pint away. "Sorry, Merry," she mumbled. Merry gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"Alright, you," came a voice from behind them. They both turned to see Azimah and Eowyn. "Look's like it's a little Nord's bed time!"

"But I don't wanna!" Nora protested as she rubbed one eye with a fist.

"Come on, sleepyhead," Eowyn said, helping her up. "Let's get you to the little princess chambers."

"Night, Merry," Azimah called over her shoulder as she and Eowyn supported a staggering Nora down the corridor.

"You know what, Azimah," Nora said sleepily. "You're my best. Friend."

Azimah smiled behind her veil. "You're drunk."

…

Moolie: Read and review, guys!

Ginny: Please.

Aggie: Pretty please.

Donald: Haroo.