Aggie: *walks in with caked with blood and pixie dust* It's done. He's dead.

Ginny: Jesus Christ!

Moolie: You killed one of childhood's most beloved characters!

Aggie: It had to be done.

…

Chapter Seven: Dinner Sounds Great

"We'll get there when we get there, Master Peregrin!"

"But Gaaaandalf!" Pippin whined.

"Oh, shut up and eat your trail mix and Slim Jims!" Gandalf shouted, quite grumpy after the long journey to Minas Tirith.

"But I don't want it anymore!" Pippin continued to whine.

Gandalf suddenly reined the horse to a stop and slowly turned around to face Pippin, the edges of his beard crinkling in fury. "I paid 10 Middle-Euros at that rest stop for those bloody Slim Jims and that trail mix. Now you'd better eat and be happy about it!"

Pippin forced a painful smile and took a hardy bite out of a Slim Jim.

"We're nearly there, Peregrin," Gandalf stated cheerfully, trying to recover from his small meltdown. "See the white towers?"

"What white towers?"

"Oh, they're right over there by the giant, flying – OH, TOLKIEN'S PANTS!"

"What! What is it?" screamed Pippin, holding on for dear life.

"Nazgûl!"

"What's our plan, Gandalf?" Pippin asked, looking frantically around for an escape route.

Gandalf's eyes narrowed. "We're gonna ride straight into the fray."

"Wait, that doesn't seem like a well-thought out plan!"

"Yah!" Gandalf shouted as the horse sped up toward Minas Tirith.

….

"Ride, Men! Make for Minas Tirith!" Faramir shouted over the screaming of Men and screeching of the Nazgûl. To their credit, Faramir's troop was trying its best to fight off the flying assailants. Satchel dug his heels into the sides of his horse; Kelly sat behind him trying to distract the fell beasts with her special edition boomerang Zumba weights. Fado was riding with the Happy Panda fry-cook, sending well-aimed pot stickers into the fell-beasts' eyes. But even as they ran pell-mell towards the city, it looked like the end was drawing near.

"Kelly!" Satchel shouted above the chaos. "If we don't make it, I wanted to say-"

"THE WHITE RIDER!"

The Nazgûl shrieked as a blast of brilliant white light permeated across the field. The beasts flew away screeching as Gandalf joined Faramir's riders, holding his staff high.

Gandalf turned to Faramir with a grin. "And that's why I stayed that extra four years at Wizard College."

"And who are you?"

Gandalf looked up him, puzzled. "They…they just announced me. I'm the White Rider…"

Faramir eyes lit up. "Ohhh!"

"Open the gates!"

The knights of Gondor streamed into the town square. A lone rider quickly slipped into their ranks before the gates slammed shut.

"Welcome home," Satchel said, lifting Fado off the horse.

The Sprite looked around cautiously at the numerous guards and the high walls. "Where am I to be held?" she asked quietly.

Satchel looked down at the little creature that he had come to care fondly for. No, that was stupid. She was his charge. She was to be a weapon of mass destruction. But he couldn't bear himself to cart her off to some horrid cell. Satchel took her hand.

"Come on," he said. "There's someone you need to see."

….

"What is it?" Gandalf asked as he observed Faramir's reaction to Pippin. "This is not the first Halfling to come across your path," he murmured.

Faramir nodded. Pippin's face brightened at the news.

"You've seen Frodo and Sam?" he asked hopefully.

"Where were they, Faramir?" Gandalf asked. "Tell me everything."

"Pippin!"

The three turned to see Satchel and Fado elbowing their way through the crowd. Pippin let out a high-pitched cry and hopped off the horse to deliver a warm, Hobbity hug to his friend.

Passersby looked on as the two little people jabbered away happily.

"How did you get here?" Pippin asked excitedly.

"How did I get here? How did you get here?" Fado responded.

Pippin made a face. "No, seriously, how did you get here?"

"That's a question," Gandalf said, climbing off his horse majestically, his beard swinging in the light breeze, "I think we all need to ask."

Fado froze, pointing a quivering finger. "Ghoooost!"

Faramir watched as the scene dissolved into chaos and hilarium: Fado began to hyperventilate at the site of Gandalf's "ghost," Gandalf was trying to convince the poor sprite that he was, in fact, alive, and Pippin continued to obliviously ask questions.

"What is the meaning of this?" came a rather snotty voice from the crowd. Madril approached the group, causing Fado to shrink away behind Satchel. Madril turned to him. "Private, why isn't our charge in custody?"

"Charge?" Gandalf asked, frowning. "I don't quite follow you."

"This creature," Madril sneered, seizing Fado by the shoulders, "is property of Gondor. She was captured for trespassing on our eastern borders, along with a couple of other intruders," he said, giving Faramir a nasty glance, "who the Captain allowed to be set free. But no matter, for this one will serve as great a weapon as that Ring would have."

Gandalf's eyes lit up with realization and he hefted the staff in his hand angrily. "You saw Frodo?" he asked Faramir.

The redhead nodded, saying, "Not but two days ago, at Osgiliath. We let Sam and him leave with that gangly creature, Gollum or something."

"Regardless," Madril continued. "The sprite is now in the keep of Gondor."

"We shall see," Gandalf said, taking a threatening step forward. "There are matters still left to be discussed."

"Is anyone else hungry?" Faramir asked hopefully, trying to break the tension. "We can talk this out over lunch, I know a great Thai place."

Everyone glared at Faramir.

"Why doesn't anybody like Thai food?" Faramir sighed.

"You don't have a permit to park that Clydesdale!"

"You shaddup!"

There stood a rather intimidated guard, trying to subdue an angered she-warrior.

"Madam! You are trying to tether your horse in a spot that is specifically reserved for smaller animals!"

"Are you calling Petey fat?" Nora barked back. "I take that as an offense!"

"Nora!" Fado called, ecstatic to see her friend alive.

Nora abandoned the annoying parking officer and scooped Fado up in a crushing bear hug.

"What? You're alive? Come here you little fart!"

"Hey Nora…" Pippin smiled weakly.

"Hey," Nora smiled, letting go of Fado. Pippin quietly walked to the Nord, who embraced him in a warm hug.

"I missed you," she whispered in his ear. Pippin smiled but remained silent, enjoying the moment before it was gone. As Nora pulled away, she noticed a tall, redheaded man looking towards her. They stood for a second, locking eyes. Pippin looked nervously between the two of them and cleared his throat.

"This is, um…this is Nora," he said to Faramir, trying to break the silence. "She was an original member of our fellowship."

"Very good to meet you, m'lady." Faramir gave a low bow, kissing Nora's hand. Nora blushed and gave a timid smile. Pippin felt his stomach drop. Why had she never reacted that way…

"Alright, everyone!" Gandalf exclaimed. "We can all catch up later. For now, that Thai food sounds quite ravishing!"

…..

Gandalf and Pippin made their way up through the winding streets of Minas Tirith to the top level of the city. The wizard was still considering what that man Madril had said about Fado being their charge. And he was also thinking about the news of Frodo and Sam. And he was also thinking about how to not piss off Denethor. He had a lot on his mind. So having Pippin along with him did put a strain on things, seeing as the hobbit always screwed up during crucial moments.

"Now Pippin," Gandalf said as they climbed the stairs to the Hall of Kings. "Denethor is the steward of Gondor, and he is also Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be unwise."

Pippin gasped and stopped on the stairs, looking up at Gandalf, shocked. "You mean—?"

"It would be best if you did not mention Boromir. Or Frodo and the Ring. Or Aragorn. Or anyone else, for that matter." Gandalf said, turning to walk for the door, but turned once more to Pippin. "And while I'm thinking about it, it might be best if you not say anything at all."

Pippin nodded uncomprehendingly.

The guards on either side of the doors opened them for the wizard and the hobbit. Pippin had to fast walk to keep up with Gandalf's gait, and the hobbit was taken aback by the brilliance of the Hall with its long rows of white statues and flying buttresses. Hehe, butt. And at the end of the Hall stood a tall, plain white throne. Beside it stood a shorter, darker marble chair where a man sat hunched over.

"Hail Denethor, son of *somebody*, Lord and Steward of Gondor." Gandalf said once they stood before the shorter chair. Pippin stared at that greasy hair and grimaced. "I come with tidings in this dark hour." Gandalf went on. "And with counsel."

"Perhaps you have come to explain this," Denethor muttered, raising a familiar horn, cleft in half. Pippin's eyes widened. Gandalf suddenly remembered that lovely jazz number he once played on that horn. "Perhaps you have come to tell me why my son is dead?"

*The camera zooms in on Gandalf's face. You can almost see the "oh shit" in his eyes*

"It was all Merry's fault!" he burst out suddenly. Everyone looked at him. "Oh, um, I mean, Boromir died defending my kinsman and me."

The doors at the other end of the Hall were flung open abruptly and Madril stalked in, shouting, "It was my turn to see Denethor first, you stupid whizard!"

Gandalf turned to the soldier, saying, "No, my rock clearly beat your scissors twice."

"I said best one out of three!"

"That doesn't even make sense—."

"SHUT UP."

Gandalf and Madril frowned at each other, and turned back to Denethor.

"My Lord, while in Osgiliath, I came across a rather useful creature. I have brought you a weapon of great power," Madril said, and he motioned to the door. Fado was brought in, bound hand and foot like some kind of animal. Satchel reluctantly walked behind her as another soldier dragged her forward to the steward. "She is a fire sprite, Lord Denethor, capable of destructive magic."

Nora took a threatening step forward.

"Nora…" Gandalf said warily. Without warning, Nora sprang to free her friend, only to be restrained by Faramir.

"It would be best not to upset his Lordship, m'lady," Faramir said quietly. Nora regarded him nervously, unsure of how to handle his sudden proximity.

"This is my court!" Denethor called out, trying to once again be the center of attention. "I will have order!"

Everyone reluctantly turned back to face the steward.

"Continue, Madril," Denethor sighed.

"With training, I'm sure it will provide to be a most effective force for the good of Gondor. And we should utilize it, seeing as we've already lost one resource…" Madril glanced at Faramir, grimacing. Faramir returned the glare. "The Ring of Power was allowed to pass peacefully through our borders, thanks to the clemency of your most faithful son."

Denethor turned an angry gaze to Faramir, who could not bring himself to meet his father's eyes.

"But, no matter," Madril continued cheerfully. "We have secured the flame sprite and will now be able to harness its full potential."

Gandalf stepped forward. "My Lord, I must protest," he spluttered indignantly. "This "creature" you speak of is a young girl. The last of her kind. You callously talk of her as an object, something to be used and thrown away."

"I will not follow some ranger from the north!" Denethor called out, completely out of turn.

"Um, sir," a servant quickly skipped up the steps, handed Denethor the script, and whispered something in his ear.

"Oh." Denethor's eyes widened and he flipped through the script.

Those standing at attention began twiddling their thumbs as they waited for the steward to finish reading. Gandalf sneakily pulled out his wizphone out of his robe and began to text conspicuously. "Dinner sounds…great…L..O.L , smiley face," they heard him mutter into his beard.

"Right, uh, we're gonna carry on from page 47, paragraph 2. Is that alright with everyone?" Denethor called out uncertainly.

"Yeah."

"Sure."

Everyone began nodding their heads in agreement, and there was many a 'totally' and a 'yes, yes' from the group.

"Don't think I am blind, Mithrandir. I know you wish to use me as a puppet in order to move me aside for that young upstart Aragorn."

Pippin bounced his toes beside Gandalf, whispering excitedly, "I know him!"

"Gondor is in peril," Gandalf argued. "Light the beacons; sent for help—from Rohan."

"From Rohan? Why those hicks? Besides, I know who rides with Théoden. I will not bow to this ranger from the north!"

A tense silence fell over the group. Madril cleared his throat. "Well, seeing as that's all sorted out, I'd like to bring forward our newest captive—."

"You already introduced her!" shouted the servant from before, poring over his script.

"Right, sorry. Anywho, shall I have the sprite detained, my lord?"

"Yes; do as you wish, we'll deal with her later." Denethor sighed as he sat back down in his chair.

"My Lord, please." Pippin stepped forward, glancing anxiously back at Nora. "I would like to enter your service to atone for Boromir's death."

Denethor looked mildly surprised. He merely nodded. "You can get the application at the help desk. Just be sure to directly ask for it from Julia."

"Julia." Pippin nodded. "Got it."

…

Satchel bent to pick up his traveling pack that had been deposited outside the throne room. Madril approached, tugging on Fado's chains.

"We've arranged a cell in the top security vault," Madril drawled, handing Satchel the chains. "Make sure it's good and comfy." He patted Fado a little too roughly on the head. Satchel felt something angry rise from this stomach.

"Sir!" he called. Madril turned, eyebrows raised. "Don't you think it would be more appropriate if she were to have somewhere less threatening to her health? I've heard that the watchmen catch dreadful fevers down in the security vault, and goodness knows it'll be far too cold and damp for a fire sprite. We want her to be functional when the time is right, don't we?"

Madril paused, thinking over Satchel's offer. "Very well," he conceded slowly. "But only if she's on good behavior. One mishap and it's the security vault for her."

"Yessir!" Satchel said, unable to contain a small smile.

"Wipe that grin off your face, soldier!"

Satchel frowned. "Yessir."

…

"Well it's not much, but it's home." Satchel finished tucking in the corners of a teddy bear-patterned quilt. Fado had been allowed to stay in Satchel's room in the barracks. A tiny trundle bed had been set up at the foot of his cot.

"Those are some sharp corners." Fado patted the bedspread. "It seems like you know what you're doing."

"Yeah." Satchel shrugged. "I've had a lot of experience."

Fado gave him a quizzical look. Satchel seemed lost in thought, looking down at the little trundle bed. She decided not the bother with asking him anything and abruptly gave him a hug.

"Thanks for sticking up for me," she mumbled into Satchel's tunic.

"No problem," Satchel replied in a strained voice.

"What are you doing in here!" came a voice from the corridor. "Women aren't allowed down in the men's barracks!"

"Oh, piss off!" There was a scuffle and a clatter. Suddenly, the door burst open and Nora stumbled in, unphased by nearly tripping over her own two feet. "Fado!"

"Please calm down," Fado stated bluntly.

Nora took on a serious face. "But I am calm," she said in an unusually mature voice.

Satchel smiled at the two of them. "I'll leave you ladies to catch up."

The two girls silently watched Satchel leave the room. Right as the door shut, Nora turned to Fado. "What happened with Frodo and Sam?"

Fado sat cross-legged on her trundle bed. "Well…the four of us were captured by Faramir and his men—"

"Hold up—recount."

"Oh, Gollum joined us along the way."

"Addressed. Continue."

"Originally, the plan was to take all of us to Minas Tirith to be used for Gondor's warfare. Except Sam. Nobody really wanted Sam. However, after a Nazgûl attack at Osgiliath, Faramir permitted the others to leave."

"Why not you?"

"It was either the Ring or me, and the Ring had to continue its journey." Fado shrugged, fiddling with her skirt.

Nora sat down next to Fado, picking through Satchel's travel pack. "I'm sorry to hear that. The separation must've been hard for you."

"Yeah…" Fado said quietly.

"Especially since, well…you know…you two never officially hit it off."

"Well…"

"WHAT!" Nora screamed, excitement flashing across her face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, it was during the battle and kind of spur of the moment…"

"Did…did, uh…did he…" Nora searched for a proper way to phrase the question. "…tongue?"

Fado turned bright red. "What? No!"

Nora smiled and nodded.

"Well…maybe a little…"

"You little hussy!" Nora yelled, tackling the sprite into a hug. "So what've you been doing since you two separated? Must've been boring without eye candy."

"Oh!" Fado reached under her head, pulling out a giant tome. "Satchel's leant me this. It's an abridged history of Middle Earth."

Nora sneered at the book. "So, you've been reading during all this excitement?"

"But you wouldn't believe what I've found. They had a small excerpt in the chapter of Fangorn Forest about a clan of fire sprites."

"What did it say?"

"Ah, it merely acknowledged their existence."

"That's a start, right?"

"I guess. I wish I could find more information regarding my people and how we came about."

Nora thought on this for a few seconds. "You know, there's a fairly large library here. Perhaps you could go check it out sometime?"

"That was a very helpful factoid, Nora," Fado stated, pleasantly surprised. "Thank you for that."

Nora nodded, pleased with her day's work.

"So, what have you and Azimah been up to?"

Nora shrugged. "Eh. Not much. We killed people, Legolas ate her face. You know."

"Wait—"

"Aghhh, it's been a long day," Nora interrupted, stretching out her arms. "I'm just beat."

"Nora, it's midday."

"Regardless, nighty-night." With that, Nora jumped up from the bed and skipped out the door. Fado sat puzzled for a moment.

"What do you mean he ate her face!?"

...

Moolie: You guys ready to watch the second season of Golden Girls?

Aggie: Yeah!

Ginny: Did any of you feed Zombie Peter Pan today?

Aggie: I thought you were…

Moolie: You killed him, he's your responsibility now.

Aggie: Ugh! Fine. I'll go get the cat food.