Sorry it took awhile for this one.

School happened. Writer's block happened.

Honestly, I don't think the next chapter will come any sooner either. :/

But I am determined to finish this story no matter how long it will take!

And and and

I can't believe its already two years today since I first posted this. This story is seriously longer than I had originally expected it to be. Hahaha

Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this chapter. :)

Note: When Shizuka says mama she refers to Natsuki and when she says mommy she is referring to Kaya.

She reminded me of my late wife.

My Kaya.

Not in a way that Shizuru does to me. She had air around her that put me at ease; a gentleness to her that made me feel safe and calm in her presence.

Shizuru doesn't naturally do that to me. Her whole being is electrifying. She makes my body tingle from the barest of touches from her fingers. My heart races when she is too near to me. My eyes will follow her unconsciously. The way Shizuru affects me is not something I can say I have ever felt before. Not with Kaya. And that is what baffles me sometimes. What makes me scared.

There's just something about this woman. I don't know.

It felt like I could trust her with anything. Maybe it was because she was a stranger to me; a very friendly stranger who I now know had been an acquaintance of my family for years. If she had been in my grandmother's trust, then for sure she could be trusted. Or maybe it was because she knew nothing of me and the fact that if I told her anything, it would not be compromised. I don't know what it is but all I feel at the moment is that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me.

I didn't need an answer from her. I just needed an ear; a person to tell all the thoughts that are threatening to spill out because if I didn't do it soon, I might very well burst and Shizuka would never know what hit her when she finds me locked in my room, refusing to come out. That is the me I know that would come out when I reach my limit. I would simply lock everything out, literally, till I get a semblance of control onto my emotions and I will hide behind the newly created walls I built during that time.

"That's a beautiful ring there on your finger. How many years has it been?"

She follows my eyes to her ring finger, a smile crossing her lips as she catches it glinting under the rays of the glowing sun.

"Happily for almost thirty years. And you?"

I hadn't expected her to ask so it took me awhile to respond but when I did, I couldn't help the stutter, shaken by a sudden rush of emotion.

"A few years. She p-assed not too long ago."

"Aww, honey. You poor little thing. Come here."

She wraps me in her arms and I am instantly flooded with the feeling of safety; tears clawing at the edge of my eyes from her comfort. We sit on the grass and she grabs hold of my hand as if it was the most natural thing to do.

"Can I ask you something? Your significant other... you married because of love, right?"

"Yes. I love my husband very much. He is the one who I want to spend my whole life with."

"How did you know he was the one?"

"I met him when he was studying in Spain where my family had lived for generations. It's where my ancestors were and where I thought I would forever live. But would you believe it? After I met him, I couldn't live with the thought of being separated from him. It felt like I couldn't breathe without him. And now, here I am."

Before I knew it, our fingers are interlaced and resting upon her lap as I worry my lower lip between my teeth. I focus my eyes on the scenery before me rather than on her face, her words playing over and over in my mind.

"What was she like?"

"Warm. She made me feel butterflies in my tummy. She made me smile just by looking at me. With her, I was safe and loved."

"But...?"

"How do you know there is a but?"

"You wouldn't ask me if I knew my husband is my one and only if you didn't have some doubts."

"That makes sense, I guess. There's someone...she makes me feel different."

"Different?"

"Hot. She makes my skin burn. My tummy churns in somersaults and I blush from just the slightest things. I have never felt such intense emotions for someone before. While my wife was a calm stream, she is a raging sea in the middle of a storm. Do you think...should I continue to see her?"

"That is something you have to decide for yourself, my dear. Would you be able to live with that decision? That is a question only you can answer."

I am quiet. Pensive. I already know the answer yet I am unwilling to admit it. My head is telling me I shouldn't; that it comes with consequences that I am not ready to face. But my heart is already certain, telling me that I should go for it. That I would regret it if I didn't.

Hurt if I do, hurt if I don't.

Whether I am willing to make myself vulnerable and also risk my relationship with my daughter or squash my heart and cope with the unfilled trench wedged deep inside it. It feels like my decision would be a selfish one because I would rather go for the former than the latter. Does that make me a bad parent? Shizuka would understand, she would come around- that is what I tell myself. I know she doesn't hate her. There is something else. Something she's not telling me.

Excuses. Are they excuses? Is my pride gone? I hope and wish not.

Mai and Midori worries that I am using her as a replacement for Kaya but that is not it. My feelings for Kaya and my feelings for Shizuru are two completely separate things. I know that now. I don't go for face value though it helps a lot in my attraction towards them. The emotions I feel reverberates through my very soul and has nothing to do with what I think of them but rather what I feel for and from them.

"Oh dear, I think it's time for me to head back. Takashi is expecting me for tea . If I leave him waiting too long he might start without me."

She caresses my cheek before giving a quick kiss to my forehead. Smiling softly, she gets up and pats herself down, leaving me sitting there on the grass.

"Take a chance at happiness if it is there for you to grasp at it. As Tennyson would have said it, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' And you my dear, sound like you are in love."

She is gone when I finally rise up from my position. I had watched her back as it disappeared past the bushes to a wooden door I never really noticed before. Hidden strategically behind trees and bushes, I wouldn't have spotted it had I not seen her open the door and walk past it. Standing, I continue to stare at it even after she had long closed it behind her. As if suddenly everything clicked into place, the hairs on the back of my neck rose as my eyes widened for a fraction of second.

Looking all around the garden, I see no azaleas.

A door that leads to the house next door.

Natural brown, wavy hair. A shade darker but still brown.

A smile so familiar.

Oh Mona Lisa. No wonder Shizuru was so adamant in finding out if there was any connection. After meeting her mother, I'm not sure if I can be convinced otherwise either.

Bored.

Where did my enthusiasm go?

I feel so unstimulated.

Art is nice. PE is okay. Others not so.

I want to learn something I haven't yet but I don't think it will come anytime soon. It is so hard to hold a conversation with anyone here. I can't keep up with them; like we are not on the same wavelength. They stare at me at length and when they don't, they ignore my words altogether. It bothers me when no one listens to my words seriously.

They are fun when we play together. But at other times I find myself longing for long quiet talks; ones I used to have with mommy. The deep conversations we had in the library she kept, surrounded by the books she loved dearly. I miss the way she would wrap her arms around me with a book on my lap, her voice in my ear. I miss reading books together, hearing her voice enunciate each word with such care and precision. I miss how she would nuzzle my nose when I got the answers to the things she asked. I miss how she would smile at me when I said just the right words. When I tell her I love her.

When I tell her I would miss her when she leaves.

She smiles and I can feel the sadness she tries to hide.

She knows it is inevitable. I know it too.

That day; I thought I had been prepared. I was a fool though. No amount of preparation would ever prepare you for such thing. I had coped better but there is no denying it that I still miss her.

She is my mommy after all. What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't?

When you lose someone that important in your life, it is impossible to feel nothing. She is a big part of me and in having lost her, I feel incomplete and without direction. The me right now feels so small while the world feels so much bigger than before.

Looking out the window, I drift away from the classroom; the teacher's voice slowly fades as does the voices all around me. My hand is under my cheek, holding the weight of my resting head when I start to think back at what I had been pondering the night before.

Secrets.

Everyone has them, I'm sure. Intentionally or unintentionally, as long as it is something we are trying to hide or try not to speak of- it is a secret as far as I am concern. Whether it was that sneaky bite of cookie you were not supposed to take or that affair that you were having behind your wife's back; everyone has something they do not tell.

I have a secret.

A very big one.

No one knows because no one asks because no one even know it even exists.

So if anyone asks me I would tell them but since nobody knows of it, it remains a secret until I find it opportune to disclose it.

Honestly, I don't know if I should.

Everything already seems complicated enough. I should have known better when I first heard of her but it took me awhile to remember. Not to mention it was way too soon since Mommy's last farewell; I was still recovering from that blow. My head wasn't working fast enough to fit the pieces together that when I did, it had already missed the right time to say it.

There are things that Natsuki Mama does not know that I do.

Things my mommy could only share with me.

Shizuka.

Did you know that the person who gave me that name was not Natsuki Mama?

Mommy says that the name had come to her in a dream. She often has dreams that were so vivid she could retell the whole thing. Guess who was there when she felt like having a storytelling? That's right, me. But these dreams were special. She didn't always have them and if what she thought was true, she started having these kind of dreams when she was pregnant with me.

The first time she had told me of her dreams, it had been a quiet night and I was by her bedside, holding her hand between both of mine. It was only mommy and me in the house; Mama was busy at work, trying to get the finishing touches to her latest project done. Plagued by a fever, sleep was what mommy had done the whole day while I kept watch over her, reading as the hours passed. She always took such deep sleeps that sometimes I worry that it would be her last. Only by hearing her delicate breathing do I feel reassured.

It was after one of her most longest and peaceful rests that she turned to me suddenly with a look in her eyes and a demure smile upon her lips. Her hand reached out to feel my curls between her fingertips as the words flowing from her mouth, soft and smooth, caressed my ears. I climb nearer to her bedside, practically leaning over her with my eyes locked onto hers. Both of her hands covered my cheeks, the crinkle around the corner of her mouth more pronounced. One of mine covers her own before she lets go entirely and places them on her lap, her eyes half closed.

"She must have been sad."

When she opened them, there was this faraway look in her eyes.

"Waking up to find that I was not there."

"Who was it, mommy?"

She didn't answer me that time. I don't think that she even knew it yet when I had asked her. She kept staring out the window after that, pieces of her dream scattered to separate moments where she felt like saying them out loud. I knew that she wanted me to hear them. It had been a subconscious action but one that she had wanted to do; If not now, then later on.

Gradually, she began to understand her dreams more and more, her thoughts conveyed directly to me as she woke from them. The constant person who appeared in her dreams had to have been someone very dear to her; she had said to me one day with her eyes bright and clear. Why else would she constantly dream of her? The affection she felt in her dreams were very real to be something of imagination and that had convinced her more so.

Yesterday, on the couch of my grandparent's home, I had a dream that was eerily similar to what I have heard before from mommy. One of her more horrible experiences. While most of her dreams had been pleasant, there had been one or two that were able to upset her and this dream I had was one that was able to leave her paler than usual, her face utterly blank. However disturb she was with it, she still told me in the end the things she felt in her slumber.

When I saw Shizuru, everything I tried to suppress from that dream came rushing back to me and fear had coursed through my very veins, my instinct to protect myself flaring as soon as I felt them come back. Anger blanketing over my fear. Anger protecting me from the vulnerability I had felt at that moment.

I feel bad that she had to be the receiver of my bad mood.

But...

If she hadn't been there I might not have reacted as such.

Still, I need to apologize. It is only right that I do so.

What was she doing there anyway? I never did ask mama. What does ojii-chan and obaa-chan think, I wonder? How much do they know? Did mommy ever tell them anything? Did they tell mommy anything? Am I the only one who really knows?

Ara, ara, so many questions. I think I need to slow down a bit.

"Shizuka-chan!"

Mrhh?

"Little missy, are you paying attention?"

"Ara, gomenasai. I was just distracted for a moment. It won't happen again, Kobayashi-sensei."

She seemed flustered, one hand on her hip as she gave me a hard stare. After awhile, the stern expression dissipates, replaced with a forced smile.

"Ah, well... As I was saying before to your classmates, do you understand what sensei said earlier?"

I look towards the small blackboard held up by her arm, seeing numbers.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Then can you tell me what seven plus five equals to?

As she said them, she took a piece of chalk and wrote them unto her board, the white contrasting on the black surface. My classmates eyes were either on her hands or on my face, their mouths metaphorically zipped up as they waited for me to answer.

"Twelve."

"Yes... that is correct."

Writing the number upon her board, she continued on with her lesson. She had seemed a little cogitative to me after hearing my answer but I decided it was probably nothing. It had been my fault for ignoring her lesson so I understand if she had felt bothered with me.

It was after class when she approached me again, two letters in her hands. Crouching down to my level, she held it in front of me with instructions to give it to my mother. I knew what the first one would be (she had mention something about a parent thing going on this weekend) but the second, I am worried what its contents would be.

Could this be a warning letter, I wonder?

You know, the letter to notify a parent when a child misbehaves?

Ara, I think I might be in trouble.