Just in case you didn't notice, this is the second chapter for this update. So read the chapter before this if you haven't yet though I warn you now it's really, really tiny. I thought it best to separate it. Have been trying not to put too many povs but as you can see, still working on it. Hope this is okay.

And now I'll disappear again for awhile until after my final exams.

Y'all have a nice day! :)

Have you ever felt so utterly helpless? No control over anything even as you know what will happen. You can't do anything to prevent it from happening. All you can do is sit and watch as it unravels before you. You don't want to. It hurts. And when you hurt or am about to be hurt, fight or flight instinct kicks in.

And since you can't fight...

You flee.

Then you would understand the reason I did what I did, even when I knew it was bad. I know it is bad because here I am standing at the doorway looking at the consequences of my actions. I never wanted this. I never wished this.

In fact, believe it or not, I have never ever wished any harm to come to Shizuru.

I may have disliked her personality at first, what she represented and the implications of her being within close proximity of my mother -physically and emotionally- but I have never once hated her or wished anything upon her.

I didn't want to be faced with the truth. Knowing and accepting it as inevitable didn't mean that I welcomed it. Didn't mean I wanted to see it or made it hurt any less than what it would do. And it hurt a lot when I fully realized what it could -would- mean.

What would it mean to mommy? What would it mean to me? Where would it leave mommy and me? This love they shared...would there still be room for the both of us?

Does she still love mommy? Of course she does. I know she does. But I still question. I don't understand. I am not Mama so of course I don't. What does she see in Shizuru? Is it different from what I see?

Am I really meant to understand it anyway?

I think I've already done plenty that does not reflect anything parallel to my age but damn it, I detest the feeling of not knowing. Oops, mama is rubbing off on me. Profanities aside,

I hate that I am a sponge. That everything that happens around me does not leave me. I try to let go but I never forget and despite myself, the anger and hurt I felt at all those times before still affects me. I don't want to hold onto those ugly feelings. I wish I didn't. It was unnecessary. It was wretched. Makes me feel like nothing but an emotional wreck.

Some of these feelings, they weren't even supposed to be mine to begin with. They were felt in behalf of someone else and I think, from all the conversations we had before, she would have never wanted me to feel or keep them.

I wish that Shizuru would wake up soon. The longer she takes, the worse I feel and I know that she will wake up. A woman like that wouldn't be beaten that easily. I know she's not some super being or anything but from what I gather from her, Shizuru would probably be holding Death's scythe against him before she would even let herself be taken away before her time. That is how I see her- A raging storm that takes what it wants. But I don't hold it against her, just that I won't give up either. She can try as she wants and I can try as I want.

Ultimately, the one that decides is not us but the one we are fighting for.

Alyssa had been filled with rage and totally, utterly, feeling lost. The no answer was just letting her simmer in confusion and fury.

"How could you have left her alone? Tell me, how could you? What if that woman hadn't gone after her?"

Her hand was raised as if to slap yet again. The look on Natsuki's face seemed to anger her further, her body shaking from it all. She saw no emotion other than defeat and she felt disgusted. Pathetic.

Who was this person?

She couldn't even recognize her sister any more.

"Was your love for Kaya so great that you would abandon your child for this hope of yours; this image you are imposing on this woman who looks so much like your wife? And now, for this dream you are chasing, yet again you leave Shizuka all by herself once more? Have you no shame? I never thought you could be so shallow."

Again she is met with more silence and downcast eyes. The urge to break something flares so much stronger within her. Clenching her fists, she sucks in her breath.

"How my sister has fallen. I am ashamed. Here she is by her mistress' bed while her daughter locks herself in her room, feeling abandoned by her only mother."

Anger breeds anger and it was only a matter of time that self-pity would make way for rage to slip past to everywhere else.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, THAT'S WHAT!"

Natsuki heaves heavy breaths, red flashing through her eyes like fire. So big a change from seconds ago that Alyssa jumps in surprise. Her words, they cut her so deeply; her breath stolen from her like a sucker punch.

"Don't presume to know or even have the right to tell me what to do! You don't know anything! "

Anger breeds anger.

"I do know! I am your sister, of course I know!"

With venom she spat,

"No. No, you don't. Not since you abandoned me to go to Europe. You've lost that right when you turned your back on me when I needed you the most. And I suggest you give Shizuru more respect. She was never a replacement. Shizuru is Shizuru, don't you forget that."

"I did not abandoned you! I never did."

"Ma and pa were gone. You were all I had left and you just went away like that. Me! Your only sister! Didn't you love me?"

"How could even ask that? I love you! I've never stopped!"

Alyssa had her arms around her but she resisted, trying halfheartedly to push her away. The arms around her wrapped even tighter as she struggled. Like a weak little child she continued to resist unsuccessfully, grunting in the process.

"Why didn't you say anything? If I had known we would've taken the first plane back here even if we had to abandon the company."

"Why then?"

"It was the only way I knew that could take care of you. It was never my intention to hurt you. Konrad couldn't take you with us. Kuga obaa-chan refused to let you go and you know how much she hated me. And we knew to be able to take care of you right up to university, we needed money. Konrad's company had been struggling at the time but we knew we could make it work."

"I never knew."

"...we never talked. Not like we used to."

A minute silence envelops them where all they did was held and be held.

"Can we...?"

"Talk again like real sisters? Yeah, of course we can."

Natsuki hugged her tighter.

"...can I tell you something about Shizuru?"

She nodded against her shoulder.

"You can tell me anything."

A pause and a shaky breath.

"I love her."

"I'm in love with Shizuru. "