"What about Shizuru?"
Shizuka stares at me as if I had lost my head and in a way, some part of me feels exactly the same.
"You're just going to leave Shizuru?"
Funny how the first thing she thinks of is Shizuru. From the look of her face, I think she too was also slightly shocked at the words that left her mouth. But that had been only at the beginning. When she gets over the initial realization, her expression becomes sombre - an air of disappointment around her - and I suddenly feel guilt when she focuses her full attention on me.
"Don't make a decision you will regret."
How do I make the choice? I wanted to leave her before she would leave me, which I know she will do eventually. I'm a type person who always get left behind one way or another so why should this time be any different? She already left me once (although not by choice) and it hurt so much. I don't think I could bear a second time. Especially when she makes that choice this time of her own will.
I am afraid. Petrified.
I cannot take another person leaving me again. I just can't.
Natsuki stands there with what little strength she has not to cry or break her resolve. Shizuru's words had hit her like a two-tonne truck moving at 80km/h on a highway. At first they had filled her with confusion but as the memory slowly resurfaced a strange warmth had enveloped her. Then as fear creeps back up her spine and worries cloud her judgment, her body stiffens instead of melting against the welcoming body in front of her - the blush from Shizuru's alluring breath on her neck and shoulder quickly disappearing and replaced with an almost too pale countenance.
Her face scrunches up, pushing none too gently against the shoulders of her love. As much and as deep as her feelings she had for Shizuru, the fear pushes her to unintentionally reflect rejection in her demeanour and she finds no strength to realise nor correct it. When Shizuru's eyes widen and the sorrow in them become more pronounced, she swallows the wave nausea that threatens her throat from the guilt and pain it causes her.
There is no doubt to the feelings of disgust she has for herself. For the coward she know she is. Of all the reasons she has for why this relationship could not go on, not a single one was more than a mere pathetic excuse for her to run away. Because she knows that the only reason she is unwilling is because of her fear of rejection. At some point in her life eventually the people she loves would abandon her and she believes it will be true for Shizuru as well.
The blood between Kaya and Shizuru was never more than a lie she kept telling herself to justify her leaving. In reality she already knew it was of no concern. She remembers very vividly the words her wife had imparted just before she left her. It was something she hadn't understood at the time but which had come to make sense when Shizuru came into her life.
"You know, my 'love' and your 'love' is probably different."
"I am not the love of your life; your forever. I know that I never was and never will be. Me being here - about to leave - is fated. As it is with us meeting and spending so much of our lives together. As much as I want to be that for Natsuki, I'm not the one. But I'm still selfish, you know. I still wanted this life with you. You are my one even though I am not for you. In the grand scheme of things, maybe this here was meant to be. I've lived as I wanted. Experienced everything I wanted. You and me meeting each other. Becoming best friends. Partners. Mothers. It was beautiful. It's all I could ever ask for."
"You may be sad now my dear angel, but she is already out there searching for you - waiting to love you. And once I'm gone, there's nothing holding you back from looking for her too. You may have been content with what we've had but Natsuki, you deserve better."
So when she screams her vehement denial, it only stabs her with each word that leaves her lips. Because she knows they are wrong and she is only lying to herself and at the same time, hurting Shizuru as well. Every moment she is reminded by the hurt in her eyes put there by her insecurities, she beats herself up on the inside.
'Natsuki you coward. You can have this life and yet you want to throw it away just so you don't get hurt. But what is life without Shizuru now that you have a taste of it? You know that you admittedly can't live without her - that you would die a little inside every time you miss her. Do you think it'll be any easier to live knowing that you could have had it just by stepping up?'
She shuts her eyes when she feels herself giving in, the sheer defiance she is so comfortable with helping her in distancing physically and emotionally. But when she opens her eyes, her emotions are worn on her sleeve - unable to hide behind her superficial wall of denial. It is this window that solidifies Shizuru's determination to push on instead of surrendering to the rejection. She can see that despite Natsuki's protests, she can hear a tiny voice asking for her to not give up. Pleading for her to never give up.
"Why are you fighting this?"
She is partially surprised by the anger that is evident when Shizuru speaks. Watching the pink tint to her love's visage and the dark eyes, Natsuki's voice fails her - the sobs she was trying to keep in tainting her words as she said them as if the mere action of speaking is actually choking them out of her.
"I just don't-. Can't- "
The coward in her is prepared to run but Shizuru sees this and blocks her path, trapping her to the wall with arms at each side and body so close she can feel the heat radiating from her flushed skin. Shizuru is not touching her but is so very deliciously close that every breath she takes invades her personal space and causes shudders to vibrate across her entire frame. Again she closes her eyes in vain hope of breaking from the hold Shizuru has on her senses - her heart.
"What are you afraid of?"
She can taste the blood on her lips, a stinging echoing from where it came and she knows that she has bitten and punctured her lip. Hands clenched tightly in fists at her sides, she can hear her heart beating erratically in her ears.
"You'll leave me eventually."
She says it out of breath, her eyes squeezed so tightly her face scrunches and her body stiffens and tightens. She feels like sliding on the wall down to the floor, her legs weak and her head throbbing with a headache.
"Natsuki, I will never-"
"You will! Everyone does."
She feels exposed with every word she confesses and she doesn't realize she had balled herself up - squatting on the floor with hands covering ears until she feels the shadow above her disappear and her head is lifted with two warm hands, a thumb swiping at the blood oozing from the bite on her lip. Shizuru's voice is tender and soft and wraps her up like a warm blanket does as she tries to coax her to stop hiding.
"Won't you open your eyes for me?"
Shizuru eyes are mesmerizing and open - hypnotizing even - and Natsuki is reminded then of how much she loves them and when they focus on her. Only her.
"Believe me when I say this. I will never do anything to hurt you. I will never abandon you. Never."
She kisses her fingertips, one at a time. Despite that, Natsuki finds herself unable to look away from those eyes that seem to burn at her.
"Take a chance with me. I will do everything in my power to gain your trust."
The lump stays in her throat. She could so easily say yes.
"Let me love you. Let yourself love me."
Cupping her cheeks once again, Shizuru's expression is tender and hopeful.
"We can take it at however pace you want. Just don't give 'us' up."
Natsuki knew she had to decide cleanly. Once she picked one she couldn't go back. There was no room for wishy-washy or half-hearted replies. Shizuru deserved to be not stringed along as she sorted through her demons. Glancing towards the door, she contemplated if it was worth regretting to never try. Noticing how her gaze strayed from hers and at the only way of physical escape in the room, Shizuru gave her ultimatum.
"Tell me you don't want this. If not, I promise you that I will never let you go until you do. I will follow you to ends of the Earth if I have to."
Watching the emotion in her eyes, Natsuki finds herself unable to speak the words her head wanted but her heart didn't. Brimming with tears, she falls on her shoulder with whispers of apologies - for hurting her, for wanting to leave, for being weak. Shizuru hugs her tightly - with understanding - cradling her in a human cocoon and immediately she can feel her shoulders sag and the tension all around floating away.
"I love you so much it hurts."
"I know."
A chaste kiss on her forehead leaves her feeling loved and secure. With it came a sudden clarity that brings an immeasurable amount of happiness in herself and she knows then that she is where she needs to be.
With this, my dear readers, the story comes to an end. It has been a good time sharing this with you all and frankly, I'm still shocked that it has come this far. I thank you for reading and hope you had a good time. :)
Do share anything you find inadequate.
Once again, thank you for reading till the end and I hope you have a very nice day!