Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious. I hate saying that.
I'm not happy. Maybe I was happy with Beck, but I'm stuck to hating things again. It's better that way. I don't have to get hurt. I can't make a scene. What would the point be? Maybe I'm done with guys for good, but Beck was my only first real boyfriend. I shouldn't have expected so much to begin with. I'm not stable. I changed ever since Tori showed up. I became more obnoxious, but that's only because I didn't want to lose my reputation. I didn't want to lose Beck either, but can anybody really blame me for acting the way I do? I have reasons. At least I haven't lost my reputation. That's probably the only thing she didn't take away from me. There's no bright side in this. Maybe there's a bright side for Beck and Tori, but for me? Yeah, right.
I'll admit it, maybe I was jealous, but who wouldn't be when she acts so damn perfect all the time? She has the perfectionist image that everybody's looking for. It only makes me sick. She's not as perfect as she seems. It's Beck's fault for inviting her to sit with us in the first place. I get that he was trying to make her feel welcome, but why did he do that? I should've stopped him. All I could do was glare. We didn't need her. She was never really my friend. Was that not obvious enough? Why did she even try getting close to me? I now know why I kept pushing her away. I didn't have my reasons but now I do. I don't feel stable without him.
Well, at least I can stand Cat. She stayed with me, so that must mean something, right? I'm shocked that she actually gives a shit about me. Not that I would care if I didn't have anybody stay by my side. I like when things go my way, but none of that's happening now. I'm just saying. It's not like Andre and Robbie would be any use anyway. I intimidate them, so they're useless. Everybody else just stays with Tori, because they think she's perfect. Nobody's fucking perfect. Nobody gets that though. I don't need them to keep myself together. I have Cat. Sure, she may be innocent and naïve, but that's just the kind of person I need as a distraction.
I hide my emotions. Emotions are stupid. Why do they have to be so confusing? I have a hard time figuring them out. It's hard to tell my emotions when I'm filled with mostly pure hate all the time. I was filled with so many when I was with Beck, but now I'm just so empty. Maybe it's okay. It's better when you don't feel things. I know that. What's the use if they make everything worse when you show them anyway? Never confess anything toward people. Most people are stupid, so that's why I don't bother with them. Cat's an exception.
We're sprawled across her bed. It's late, but I don't care. I can't be around my dad. Not at a time like this. We didn't wake her parents up. She knows I'm having a rough time, so she lets me stay. Her parents didn't hear us come in, so I'm assuming I'll just crash here for the night and leave in the morning. It's weird being around somebody else besides Beck all the time for a change.
I look at Cat. My voice is firm, but it isn't too sharp. "Why are you so close to me?"
She blinks. "I don't want you to get lonely. I know I got kinda mad at Tori for kissing Danny, so I don't want you to feel the same way I did."
Cat finally makes sense for once. I don't know the exact feeling of loneliness, but it's horrible. It's hard to say if Beck was fed up with me. Maybe he just gave up on me, but why did he go to Tori? I don't exactly know. I'm only starting to hate myself even more thinking about it.
"Cat, I'm not lonely, okay? I'm not. Beck was the nicest guy I ever met, y'know? I gotta keep my reputation up if I don't want to lose him, but I guess I did something wrong. I just don't want to see Beck ever again or even hear Tori's name."
Can I go a day without hearing her name? Unlikely. My life sucks. How am I going to keep myself together after the weekend, seeing Beck and Tori hold hands and suck faces with each other? She stole him from me and I can't get him back. And then, while thinking I had kept myself together so well, I start to breakdown in front of Cat.
Cat isn't used to seeing the vulnerable side of me. Nobody ever has, except for Tori that one time. I try not to show it. She isn't used to intense conversations. But I think she knows candy won't solve this. She easily gets over things, but how am I supposed to get over Beck? I don't know. I know I never want to see him ever again, but that's impossible. I can't just avoid him forever. Why am I still telling myself that he's worth it when I'm way past the edge of breaking down? I just don't want to see him falling over Tori. I didn't think things would get this bad between us. I'm getting weak.
"Jade, I'm so sorry."
What else was I expecting her to say? But even though I'm breaking down, this somehow feels enough. Maybe I do need to be around somebody. It's different with Cat, but it feels right. She doesn't know how to fix this, but that's okay because she isn't trying to get in the middle of anything.
She attempts to hold me but I push her away. She gets it though. I don't like hugs. They're stupid. I've never wanted any affection from anybody besides Beck. I wish I didn't have such a soft side for him or maybe none of this mess would've even happened. Fuck everything.