Disclaimer: Victorious, along with the llama that I do not have, is not owned by me.
I sneak out of Cat's house in the morning before her parents wake up. I drive to the park, excessively speeding. I immediately stop. Great. My day just got ruined. Tori and Beck are sitting on top of the table, Tori sucking on Beck's finger. Beck's so dead. But I'm trying to keep it together. After all, I'm not with him anymore, right? I can't act out. I slam my hands against the wheel, but I don't make an obvious scene. They don't see me. I don't want to be seen. Why was I not surprised? It seems like they're everywhere I go. They aren't perfect. Everybody thinks they're a great couple. They make me sick. Honestly, I hate how things turned out the way they are. We were perfect. I know we fought, but we did couple stuff. I messed up. It's my bad. I don't have to be around them on the weekend. I just have to avoid them as much as I can. I stare at them through the window, my heart literally crushing. But I don't let them know that I'm here. It's too much. I don't have the energy to freak out. I'm stronger than that. I'm not supposed to let things like this hurt me, but they do. Oh, they do. What happened to us?
I get in my car and just drive back home, fast. As I'm driving, I can't seem to get Beck out of my head. We make up. We fight. We break up. We do the same damn thing all the time. The only thing different is that he's with Tori now, which makes it even harder to believe that we'll make up. I'm tired of going in circles. Maybe we're finally done, but what was the point on us if we're over? I guess I'm not as tough as I seem. I do have a soft side, but that's hidden way underneath where I don't let anybody see. I hate myself for showing Beck that soft side. He knows how vulnerable I truly am. But I can't let the intimidating side of me disappear. Maybe it was just a stupid relationship and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes too high. Maybe that's it. Why did I think we finally had it together the third time? I guess third time's don't fix everything. I should've learned that from the beginning. My fault. Why was I so stupid?! Usually I'm the one putting everybody else down, but now I'm putting myself down and it feels so weird. I never thought I would act so stupidly.
Maybe there's something I do not understand. I fell for him too hard. I hate how I did. I know our relationship was dysfunctional, but so what? So fucking what. Everybody's a little dysfunctional. If he just told me maybe things would be different. Maybe things would be worse. I don't want to know. I don't think I could've handled it too well. It doesn't seem like I am now. I kept thinking we were perfect together, but maybe I was wrong. I was so wrong. Any moment I'm waiting for him to come back, but what If he doesn't? What will I do? Will I use Cat as a distraction? But distractions can only last for so long until it finally hits you again. It's still hitting me. What do I do? I can't be around anybody right now, not with the state I'm in.
I get out, slamming the car door shut and walking into my home. I don't come here often. I'm usually with Beck. Maybe that's why I never felt truly alone, but now I do. Everybody needs somebody. Even me. I'm not so cold. Maybe it would be easier if I was, but there's some broken girl covered up by an intimidating mask. That's me. I'm broken. I'm so different underneath. I get so weak. But I can't be the first to crack. He missed me. He told me that. But then again, those words only mean so much. They aren't as strong. Beck doesn't show emotion too well. He has a good poker face. What happened? Why'd he leave? For Tori? It seems obvious enough, but somehow I can't believe it.
None of this would've happened if she weren't here. Everything would be just the way it was. We would still be a couple. They hated being around Beck and I because we always fought, but they could've dealt with it. What's different with him and Tori? I know I'm difficult. I know I don't make the best decisions. I'm not totally rational, but I'm rational enough to know that Beck and I had at least something. I shouldn't have broken up with him the very first time. My trust wasn't that high, but now it's not at all. We're just cycling. Maybe he'll get bored of Tori. I sure would. Who knows.
I lay back against the couch, breaking down and letting tears soak the pillow. Can Beck really get over me just like that when I'm crying my eyes out? God. I don't want to see him again, but I know that's extremely impossible unless I isolate myself completely. This can't be fixed. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do.
I hear the doorbell ring. Shit. It better not be my dad. But he has keys, so I know it can't be him. I don't feel like getting up. I can't let anybody see me break down. I try to put myself back together as much as possible, walking toward the door and letting whoever decided to show their face here come in.
"Jade, we need to talk."
My voice is sharp. "Yeah, hey."
It's Beck. He looks apathetic, like always. I don't want him to be here. Yeah, I guess I can't get away from him. What the hell is he doing here?! If he's here to apologize, apologize about what? He broke up with me. He gave me his reason. We're done. That's it. What else is there to say? Does he seriously want to see me like this? He was at the park with Tori. Why'd he leave? What does he want? I hate him seeing me like this. He knows how broken I am. He probably knows how I'm feeling. Is he trying to get something out of it? I just want him to leave.
"You can be pissed at me all you want. Can I just come in? Please. We need to talk."
"We just talked."
I stay standing there, staring at him. I don't care if he see's the state I'm in. Was he expecting me to be in an optimistic mood? I'm not down for that. I'm obviously going to be a bitch. What do we even need to talk about? If he wants to be friends with me, forget it. But I let him come inside anyway, and I don't know what he wants to talk about but at this point I don't really care.