Chapter 19

Everyone's eyes were focused on the doctor, though no one spoke. Each of them lost in their own thoughts hoping that the other would ask first, I knew it would have been one of two people to ask but it was no surprise when Emily spoke: "How is he?"

I think everyone could hear the nerviness in her voice as she spoke through her voice never wavered. I watched as the doctor motioned for us all to take a seat since all of us were stood aside from Hotch who was still in the wheelchair.

"For now he is stable" he paused slightly "We have managed to control the internal bleeding" we all could feel the tension as though when he said it there was more he was unwilling to say. "I had to remove his spleen, once we are able to move him out of intensive care, he will be moved to the burns unit" Emily nodded, as the rest of us were lost in confusion.

"Burns?" I heard Garcia ask so softly.

I stood in amazement as Emily's featured softened as she turned to face Garcia, "Morgan took the full force of the blast" Emily said, I could hear the slight intake of breath as she spoke, her eyes seemed to sadden at the same time as she turned back around and looked at the doctor again.

The doctor seemed to wait until the news had settled with each of us, but before he got chance to speak again Emily asked the question we all wanted to ask "can we see him?" it has always amazed me that even in the darkest of situation Emily is able to hide behind her walls, her eyes become a blank void as though there are lights on but there isn't anyone home, they as dull and lifeless as she waits for him to speak. I watched, as the doctor seemed to shrink in size as though he did not want to answer the question.

We all knew that sometimes Emily did not have much patience and today it was showing. "He is my partner" her eyes seemed to be like ice and the air of anger held in her voice as she spoke. Though it was no lie Morgan is her partner, but Garcia is his soul.

"Emily" Hotch spoke his voice held a slight warning in his tone as he spoke, her eyes closed as she turned to look at him

"Sorry Hotch" her voice was slightly softer this time as we all waited for an answer off the now worried-looking doctor.

"I can only allow two of you in at a time, he needs his rest so I am afraid you can't stay in long with him" I gave a grateful smile as everyone said their thanks Rossi motioned Emily and Garcia to go in first knowing that Emily needed to see him and know he was still there and Garcia needed to see that he is very much alive even if he is in a medically induced coma.

Garcia stayed close to me as I pushed the door open, the soft whooshing sounds of the breathing machine filtered through the room, the steady beating of the machine which indicated that his heart was beating at a slow steady rhythm gave me slight comfort, Garcia hand wrapped around my arm, the sharp intake of breath which hitched in her throat, could be heard as we made our way over to the bed.

"My god," Garcia said in a hushed voice,

I closed my eyes slightly before I looked at her "He will be okay Garcia" I knew they were lack words of comfort the normal words we give to people when a loved one had been hurt, but this was not in comfort this was more for my sake, he had to be okay.

Morgan's body was laced in white bandages, his hands and arms were covered as well, it was though every inch of his being was wrapped up in order to protect him. My heart sunk slightly the strong Derek Morgan I knew and loved dearly, looked like a broken victim as though he was weak or weakened by the sheer horror, which had happened. Though he is a fighter I fear what his reaction will be when he wakes, the tape placed gently over his eyes to keep them closed, the drip that was attached to his arm, the only fluid and intake he was able to have.

I watched as Garcia inched towards the bed, I could hear the tears and the soft sob, which seemed to stay deep in her chest. I have never been very good at an emotion or allowing my emotions to show but as I look down at my partner my heart broke, he saved me! He saved my life and now I worry what his fate is.

I didn't even know tears were falling down my cheeks until a soft hand touched my shoulder, I just didn't have the energy to even shrug of the intrusion, but the scent that filtered into my nose gave it away to the person who was now wrapping her arm gently around me "I've got you Em" her voice was so soft and gentle as she slowly guided me out of the room, Rossi had gone to see him as Garcia couldn't leave him.

I just wanted to run and hide, the past few days had now taken its toll on me first the plane crash, feeling JJ's lifeless body in my arms the sheer joy when I brought her back to me, to us, and now this to dig another nail into my already bruised heart. I have kept it together for so long, I feel JJ nod against me I have no idea that we had walked into the waiting room, but the words, which Hotch had spoken, seemed to go through me and I took nothing in, it was just noise it was not even a sound.

It was as though these people were around me but my mind had shut everything out, it was a buzz of noise which told me people were around. Her arm, which still held me close, felt like a fire I needed to break away from, I needed to escape. I need to be anywhere but in this room with people who I care about, I knew I should not but I shrugged JJ off before I heard anyone speak I was already out of the door. I was not walking out the hospital I was running but it felt in slow motion I needed air I needed to breathe. I needed to feel.

The air hit me like a slap in the face, but it did not make me stop, I reach the wall, which I sat on my legs dangled against the bricks as I looked across watching the people go about their business, without a care for those around them. I need my mind to clear. I watched as they moved about I wished for some type of peace anything to bring my mind out of the blankness which seemed to have surrounded me. I was breaking my resolve had crumbled into so many pieces it was as though I was at the bottom of an abyss with no acknowledgement of anything around me. The wind blew against my face the chill was felt through my body, though the beaming of the sun against my skin did not seem to warm my cold and numb body.

I heard the crumble of the small stones and the soft footfall it stopped a few feet from me as though the person was scared to come near me as though if they did I would run. But I couldn't run I had nowhere to go aside from down, I couldn't bring myself to turn around I knew who it was but in all honesty, I needed to breath I needed to be alone.

I knew in my state of mind sitting on the edge of the rooftop may not have been the best place but I needed to be away from everyone and from people. "Emily" the soft words of my name filtered into my mind, that one word held so many different emotions and I feared to turn around and look at her. The strong Emily she knows was crumbling in front of her.

I could not answer her; I knew if I did, I would fully breakdown. Though I wonder if I can allow her to see this, I am at my weakest point and she is still stood there, she has not moved even though I have not answered her. I have made no sound to even tell her I have heard her. I heard her move again and I feared she was leaving me. Part of me wanted to be alone but the other part of me needed her so badly "Jen" it was more of a whisper my voice was so weak and tired and I was trying everything to stop the world in front of my from spiralling out of control. I heard her stop I heard her speak so softly

"I am not leaving you Emily" those six words did more for me than anything could. "Come off there and sit with me?" she asked me so kindly

The only response I could give was to nod my head as I slowly brought my legs up from dangling over the edge, she took my hand and I doubt it was to steady me. Though the second she took hold of my hand I crumbled onto the floor the sobs ripping from my chest, my heart was breaking into a million pieces and I doubted it would stop. I doubted if I was able to pull myself back from the inner-turmoil I could feel inside me.

"Shh, I've got you" she whispered as I allowed myself to curl into her. Her strong arms wrapped around my crumbling body.