"Sit down," hisses a voice in my ear. As he speaks I am overcome with the powerful stench of alcohol. He tries to force me back in to my seat but I am by far stronger than he is. All I am aware of is my father who has rushed forwards through the crowds to me.
"Don't you dare let him!" he is shouting to anyone around him. His hands hold my face up to look in his eyes and I stop struggling for a moment, "I can't lose you again, Peet."
Effie's voice cuts through like a knife. "Peeta, you can't volunteer for an adult. You may be able to volunteer for the other boy? I'll have to check the rules, I think this may be unprecedented…" She cannot hide the excitement in her voice at such a dramatic turn in events.
"No!" shouts my father. "No, he's not going back!" He looks at me again, his hands once again cupping my face. "You hear me, Peet? Now, sit down."
I am completely numb as I am led back to my seat. I feel a hand slip across my shoulder. Katniss. She pulls me gently towards her. I am too numb to even shrug off her attention.
I cannot comprehend this – his name was supposedly one amongst thousands…. Was this my fault? Briar's message flashes before my mind's eye. Have I condemned my father to death through my own self-pity? I feel a gentle squeeze on my hand as Katniss simultaneously kisses my cheek. "Hold it together, Peeta," she whispers in my ear while leaning in.
Effie recovers enough from the shocking turn of events to stand in front of the gathered crowds. "Ladies and gentlemen!" she announces, "I give you the tributes of District Twelve!"
The Panem Anthem plays, and as soon as it finishes Peacekeepers have already appeared to march the latest victims towards the Justice Building where they will say their last goodbyes to their families. I stand up to follow them, but I am held back by Haymitch. "Get out of my way," I spit at him.
"You need to wait," he says, trying to placate me.
"THAT'S MY DAD, GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
"And now you know how he felt watching you. And you need to wait to be called in to see him. They may not even let you see him until you're both on the train." I ignore him, pushing him to one side. He recovers instantly, once again blocking my path. "Do you think they'll have any hesitation shooting the rest of your family if you don't behave?"
My brothers…. I can't lose them too…. Even mum, even after everything she's done, I wouldn't want to be responsible for her death. I squeeze my eyes tight shut, ball my hands in to such tight fists that they hurt and try to bring my self back under control. My breathing is still ragged, but this seems to satisfy Haymitch enough to let me go.
I feel Katniss grip on to my arm as she gently leads me away to one side, away from the cameras, away from all the prying eyes of the Capitol. I follow without protest, already feeling all the fight leaving my body. When she feels we are at a safe distance, she asks me, "Are you ok?"
I almost laugh out loud at the inadequacy of such a question. No. I am not 'ok.' I am about to witness my father being sent to his death, and not only that but I am expected to help train others to assist in that death. There is a chance it is my fault he is being sent away because I may have insulted someone in the Capitol who had paid for my body. And as we heading back there it is likely to happen again. Oh, and while we're on the subject should I be charging you for what you did to me? I am unable to vocalise all my feelings in to a concise sentence; all I can do is shrug and look away.
"Please don't shut me out," she says in a soft voice.
The concern in her voice seems genuine, and for a moment I imagine losing myself in her arms, drowning in her kisses, escaping this world in her touch and embrace. I can't risk that closeness; I can't risk her hurting me again. And I can't risk having her within my grasp only to lose her, or have her torn from me.
Her hand rests on the top of my arm. I look at it and slowly take it in my own hand, remove it from resting on me, then let go. I walk away from her without looking back, and head towards the Justice Building.
I pace nervously up and down in the entrance to the Justice Building while Katniss and Haymitch watch me from an adjacent waiting room that we're supposed to be staying in. No one is sure if I'm allowed to go in to see dad while he's with my brothers; they keep saying that as I am his mentor I need to wait to be introduced to him formally on the train. When I pointed out that was my father and I didn't need to be formally introduced a Capitol bureaucrat bumbled off to check some ancient rule and told me to wait here. They have not returned, and the two peacekeepers guarding the door he is behind with my two brothers have made it very clear that they will not allow me entrance until said bureaucrat returns with official permission.
After what feels like an age he returns. "I've been over it with a fine tooth comb. Rules are rules, and if you spend time with him before any of the other tributes it could give him an unfair advantage, and so I regretfully have to decline your request."
"I'm asking to see him as his son, not as his mentor!"
"And you will see him. On the train, like all the other tributes."
I feel my grasp on reality slipping away. I'd have more luck trying to negotiate with the wall. "Just…. Tell him I was here, then."
"I'm sorry, sir, I cannot pass messages on to a tribute that may include coded information."
I press the heels of my hands into my eye sockets to try and relieve the headache building. "Please. Just tell him."
"You will be able to relay the communiqué to him yourself, once you are on the train."
It is fortunate that at that moment the door being guarded by the peacekeepers opens and my brothers step outside. Another moment in the company of the Capitol idiot and I would probably have a bullet between my eyes for attacking him. I catch a brief glimpse of my father, standing up and watching his other two sons leave the room. I step forwards, calling, "Dad?" and our eyes meet for a moment before one of the peacekeepers pulls the door shut.
"Let's go," says Rhees quietly, leading the three of us away from the peacekeepers. I hear Haymitch call after me not to go too far. We head outside. There is still a large crowd outside, but at least we can speak more freely. "Is he ok?" I ask immediately, feeling the same sense of inadequacy at the question I felt earlier.
"He's calm enough," says Rhees. "I don't think the reality has sunk in yet."
Kern is rapidly blinking away tears, impatiently wiping the fallen strays away with the back of his hand. "Look after him, Peet," he says, before adding, "Didn't think we'd have to go through this again." He collapses down on to the steps in front of the Justice Building, head in his hands, shaking silently. Rhees and I sit down next to him, all of us locked in our thoughts. I hear footsteps approach us from behind and I look up briefly to see my mother walking straight past us without acknowledging that any of us were there. This is the first time I have seen her since she hit me. I briefly nudge Kern, who sees her and in turn nudges Rhees. "Charming woman," says Rhees loud enough that she must have heard. "I'm so honoured to have fallen out of her cunt." She pauses briefly but keeps walking.
"You shouldn't have said that," says Kern, wiping away a tear.
"Why not? She nearly killed Peeta, she doesn't give a shit about any of us, and she's obviously not been visiting dad, has she?"
I watch my mother as she retreats away. Rhees is right, she can't have been visiting dad; the only other person she would go to see would be Rafe Cronin, as she's been staying with them, but to see him ahead of her own husband… "I'll do everything I can to bring him home," I promise my brothers, "So he can have the satisfaction of throwing her out."
"Thank you," says Kern quietly. We sit together in silent contemplation for a while, watching the world bustle past us, as people go back to their lives, grateful to not be a part of our private grief.
"Peeta!" Effie's voice has the habit of cutting through silence like a hot knife through butter. "Why aren't you inside? Come on, we need to move! We're already falling behind schedule! Chop chop!"
It is with a terribly heavy heart that I hug my brothers goodbye. I promise them both once again that I will try anything and everything to bring our father home. "I know you will," says Rhees as I am led away to the Capitol train.
As soon as we are on board I find my father in his rooms. "I'm so sorry, dad," I choke out, as unwitting tears spill.
He puts an arm around me, and tells me it isn't my fault. I cannot bring myself to tell him that my deepest worry is that it really could be my fault. I can't admit to him what happened the last time I was in the Capitol. "No matter what happens," he says, "just make sure you look out for your brothers, ok?"
"I won't need to, you're coming home," I tell him.
"We'll see," he says with a sad smile.
Eventually a call is put out over the train that supper is being served and we make our way to the dining carriage where a magnificent feast awaits us all. I have had enough Capitol food to last a lifetime, and satisfy myself with a fresh peach, while everyone else digs in with gusto. Only Hettie Undersee, the mayor's wife, is reserved about the food in front of her; her eyes are red raw and she is still unable to stifle her sobbing.
Rafe Cronin has heaped his plate with everything he can manage, and eats while eyeing everyone around him with distrust. "So, you're gonna keep us alive, right?" he says thickly to Haymitch, Katniss and myself through mouthfuls of food.
Haymitch answers while pouring himself a glass of some kind of dark spirit. "Only one who can keep you alive is you, kid."
"But you can help, right?"
Haymitch knocks the entire glass back with a practised flick of the wrist and immediately pours a second. "Sure, why not?"
"I'll tell you why not. Him." He indicates my father with a jab of his knife while looking at me. "We're not gonna get any help from you while he's still alive."
"What are you saying, Cronin?"
"You that dumb that you can't work it out on your own? I'm gonna kill your old man first, Mellark."
It takes the combined effort of both Haymitch and my father to hold me back. I don't care about anything other than wiping that smug, arrogant smirk off his hated face. He chuckles to himself at the sight of the struggle, and sits back down with his food. "Leave it," says my dad, a warning tone in his voice.
"He's ummm… He's got a point though," pipes up Ava, nervousness apparent in her every word. "Not what he said," she adds hurriedly, "but you will help all of us, right? Not just him?"
It is her words more than anything that calms me down enough for dad and Haymitch to relinquish their grip on me. It was bad enough for us last year, but it must be utterly terrifying in her situation.
Katniss speaks first, "As long as you do everything we tell you to do, we may be able to get you sponsors. So best not to antagonise us, alright Rafe?"
He shrugs and continues gorging himself on the banquet. I can't tear my eyes from him; the hatred emanating from me must surely be palpable. "Go get some air, son." My father's words seem to drift to me from miles away. With a real effort I leave the carriage and head to the very end of the train, to the balcony where Katniss and I watched the sun set just over a month ago. Can it really only have been a month? I feel like I have lived a thousand lifetimes in this short space of time.
I hear a clinking of glass and the door opens. Haymitch joins me, bottle of spirits in one hand, glass in the other. "Want to talk about it?"
"No," I say, leaning forward on the railings and watching the ground speed past below us.
"Want to drink about it?" he smirks, pouring a glass.
"Got anything stronger?"
"Believe me, kid, you don't want to go down that path. It aint pretty." He holds out the glass to me and swigs straight from the bottle.
I take a small sip from the proffered glass. The vile taste burns my mouth and throat, but as soon as it hits my stomach I feel a calming warmth start to spread. "Less pretty than you? Cheers for the warning," I say as I take another sip.
We drink together in silence for a few more minutes. "You better improve your game when you get to the Capitol," he manages to slur out.
His statement seems to be such a non-sequitar that it catches me off guard. "What?"
"You and the girl. Managed to cover for Effie – she's blind as a bat and if she noticed something was up with you, they will. So make it up before we get there." I am about to protest when Haymitch speaks again. "You think things are bad for your old man now? They can make it worse. So go and make it up."
"Worse?" I say incredulously. "How can it possibly be worse?"
"You willing to take that chance?" He empties the last of the bottle down his neck and snatches what's left in my glass away from me before stumbling back inside. He's right of course. Who would have thought that the games wouldn't end when we left the arena, and that we would remain players for the rest of our lives?
A/N- Well done to those who guessed Peeta wouldn't be allowed to volunteer. Y'got me! :p Thanks again to all reading this :) Glad you are enjoying it, and as always please leave a review if you like what you read!