A/N: Chapter five already! Wow, this is really going fast, isn't it? well, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as the other ones. To all of you who read, liked and reviewed: I love you guys! You always make my day. Please let me know what you think about this new chapter.
Disclaimer: I hate to say this, but I still don't own Merlin. Else, the series would still be running.
Chapter Five
There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back.
Well tell her that I miss our little talks.
The buzzing of his phone was what woke Merlin up. Drowsily, he reached for it. In the light of the full moon that shone through the window it was easy to find, despite the fact he was still half asleep.
"Merlin speaking," he said, suppressing a yawn. He succeeded, albeit barely. He wasn't on call, so this wasn't a call from the hospital. But whoever it was obviously needed some kind of help. They wouldn't be calling in the middle of the night if they didn't.
A glance at the clock on the bedroom wall revealed that he was right. It was three in the norming; this was not the time for social calls without meaning. None of his friends would spoke him like this if it wasn't important.
When the person on the others side spoke, though, Merlin pushed himself up straight away. He swung his legs out of bed, planting his feet on the cold floor beside the bed. He refused to put a carpet there, since he'd never had one in Camelot either. At least not before he'd gotten together with Arthur. The blond had even taken the carpet away from beside his bed for a while to give Merlin the time to grow used to it.
"Hey, Merlin. It's me, Arthur. I know it's an absolutely ungodly hour, but I need to talk to you. I didn't know who else to call," Arthur said, his voice trembling a little. It also sounded scratchier than ever, and the insecurity was clearly audible in it.
Merlin realised Arthur had been crying. The anger that rose inside him burnt like some vile concoction. Even the second time around he was one of the sweetest people Merlin had ever known. He wasn't someone who hurt others or treated them disrespectfully. There would be no reason for anyone to make him cry.
"That's okay, I told you that you can call me no matter the time of day or night. Are you sure you want to do this over the phone? We could meet up somewhere if you prefer," Merlin said, keeping his voice soft and calm in the knowledge Arthur needed him to be strong now.
Arthur had visited Merlin at his house only once before, a week ago almost to the day. If anything, Arthur probably wouldn't feel comfortable enough to show what he undoubtedly saw as a weakness in this place. He couldn't be sure Arthur would do it in a pub or anything of the sort, but there was at least some hope.
"Uhm… I'm at your door right now? Do you think I can come in? I know it's silly calling you instead of ringing the bell, I just thought you might freak out a little if I ended up here unexpectedly at this hour. So…" Arthur said, his voice dying away slowly.
"I'm coming down to open the door right now," Merlin said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. He was more than a little surprised Arthur already trusted him this much already, despite feeling slightly giddy because of it as well.
He practically flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time. It had to be bad for Arthur to come here instead of turning to his family or the friends he'd known for years. Merlin knew his parents were still alive and that he had a good bond with them, and he knew Arthur had a lot of friends who loved him dearly.
Within minutes, he had opened the door. As soon as Arthur came into sight, his heart stopped beating. The blond man's eyes were puffy and red, even his cheeks were coloured. The rest of his face was too pale, tough.
Without any hesitation, Merlin opened his arms. Arthur took the invitation and stepped into them, pressing his head to Merlin's shoulder. Tears soaked his shirt, but he didn't care about the wetness. He simply rubbed gentle circles on Arthur's back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear to help him get his bearings back.
"Let's sit down, okay? You're upset and I want you to be comfortable before you tell me what's gotten you into this state. Else, things might get worse instead of better. And neither one of us wants that," Merlin whispered, pushing back a little from Arthur.
He then took Arthur's hand in his, leading him to the sofa. He didn't let go when they sat down, enjoying the contact. There was also another reason, which was that the touch seemed to ground and calm Arthur. The man was trembling less than he'd been when he arrived and the tension was slowly draining from his muscles.
"Are you sure you want to listen to my story right now? I could just head home and come back tomorrow or something. You don't have to do this now if you'd rather get some sleep. I know you've been even busier than usual at work lately," Arthur murmured, unconsciously shifting to be closer to Merlin.
Merlin lifted Arthur's chin with his hand, making the blond look him in the eye. It was important that Arthur understood he meant what he was about to say. Else, things would be taking a turn for the worst and he could not let that happen. Not now Arthur was in more need of his help than he had ever been.
"I want to do this. I wouldn't have let you in if I didn't, I wouldn't have said you could come over or call whenever you wanted or if you needed my help. I'm glad you took me up on my offer. No one should have to go through difficult times on their own, no matter what kind of trouble they're in," Merlin softly spoke.
Another bit of the remaining tension drained from Arthur's muscles, and Merlin breathed a little more easily. Maybe he would be able to help without too much of a struggle; he sincerely hoped so, as he didn't want to have to push Arthur into doing anything he wasn't comfortable with.
"Okay then. I was out with Isobel tonight. We'd decided to catch a film and have a drink at my house afterwards. Much like we always do. However, my intentions weren't quite as honourable as they usually are. I had something important to tell her, and it wasn't something nice," Arthur said, his voice becoming softer with every word he spoke.
Merlin's hand came to rest on Arthur's knee. He knew he might be taking a huge risk, but he couldn't help himself; he wanted Arthur to feel connected to someone, less lost on the sea of emotions he was trying desperately to navigate. He wanted Arthur to know he knew what it was like.
Of course the sea he was trying to navigate was rather more unpredictable and dangerous than the one Arthur was on. He had the memories he was certain needed to be awoken in Arthur to make sure the former King of Camelot could understand what he was here to do. And he had to keep it all a secret until Arthur was ready to know it all.
"We ended up strolling along the streets for a while, and she was so happy. I almost told myself I shouldn't tell her tonight. That it could wait until the next time we saw each other. But deep down I know it had to happen now. I had the courage, and I wasn't sure I'd find it twice," Arthur admitted.
The hairs on Merlin's arms were standing on end by then. What was this all about? It looked like this was very serious, but he had no idea where this was going. It scared him a little. Maybe he really didn't know Arthur anymore and this was the first sign in a string of them to show him that.
He pushed that thought away, though, focusing instead on the fact Arthur was there to talk about whatever had happened. That had to mean it couldn't be all that bad, else he'd have never even contemplated talking about it.
"When we finally settled in the couch in my living room, I told her we needed to talk. She was so surprised her mouth literally dropped open. But she said I should say what I had on my mind. And I did. I told her I'd been lying to her all this time. I don't like women. I like men," Arthur finally said.
Merlin wasn't sure how to feel about that. One part of him was elated; he stood a chance with Arthur, he was sure of that now. Things had just gotten more than a little easier. Another part of him was more than a little petrified about the new possibilities. After all, it was something completely different to keep something for your friend than it was to keep something from the one you loved. Even if said friend was still your one true love even after a thousand five hundred years.
"That can't have been an easy thing to tell her. I'd ask how she took it, but judging by your behaviour I'd say she didn't take it all that well. So I'll ask you something else: when did you figure it out?" Merlin wanted to know.
"I realised something had been missing from all of my relationships before. Not that I've been with that many people, but still. Until a few weeks ago, I contributed that to not being with the right woman. I'd started to notice I found some of the guys I saw attractive, in the way my other male friends found women attractive. I wrote it off as something they did but never spoke of and let it go. But then I watched this show about people coming out to their loved ones and one of the guys voiced exactly how I was feeling. It all slid into place then," Arthur said.
Merlin nodded, throwing caution to the wind and pulling Arthur against him for the second time that night. Unlike Arthur, he hadn't had to do more than play open with the people trying to be his friends. He hadn't been at risk of losing the friends he already had because he was gay, and he hadn't had to fear his family would not deal too well with it.
"Are you planning on telling your parents anytime soon? Or do you want to take a while to let it all sink in before you confront them with it? Or maybe I should start by asking whether you've even thought about that," Merlin said, inwardly cursing himself for not seeing that sooner.
Arthur was silent for a minute, breathing in and out a few times before he opened his mouth. The words that tumbled from his lips were soft, slow and slightly hesitating but very meaningful as well.
"I want to tell them this weekend. That way I have a few days to prepare for it, and I won't have enough time to lose my nerve. They deserve to know as soon as possible too. They need to be able to come to terms with it before I meet someone. Else, things might not go over smoothly," he finished.
The words were slightly muffled because Arthur still had his head buried against Merlin's shoulder, but they were understandable none the less. He tightened his arms around the blond, resting his chin on Arthur's head. It was a brave decision to make, and he was so proud of him. He wanted to tell Arthur that, but he wasn't sure the words would be enough. The hug would probably say more.
"Why are you being so supportive? Not to be rude or anything, but I'd thought you'd be a little more surprised. Even if you're, you know, you. But I can't tell you enough how grateful I am you're not pushing me away," Arthur murmured, pressing himself even further into Merlin if that were even possible.
"Because you're an amazing friend I couldn't do without and because I like men too. I thought you'd have noticed that by now. I was totally looking at that cute guy by the counter when we had breakfast together last week," Merlin teased, although he had only been ogling the guy in an attempt to make Arthur jealous.
Arthur turned a little so that his feet ended up on the couch. It was only then that Merlin noticed Arthur had toed of his shoes while they'd been talking. He smiled at the realisation Arthur felt so at ease around him that he could do that without feeling pressured to ask first.
"Maybe I did notice, a little. You've never really hidden it anyway. You just waited for the right time to say it out loud. A little like I did, I guess. And by the way? You're an amazing friend I couldn't do without too. You always know what to say to make me feel better," Arthur said, yawning at the end of the sentence.
Merlin knew he should let go of Arthur so the blond could get himself home and get some sleep. But he was very tempted to spend the night right there, with Arthur in his arms. That would be a tad too dangerous, though. He was certain he'd end up behaving exactly as he had back in the day and wake Arthur up by kissing him. And that could harm their friendship so badly there might be no preparing it.
There was only one alternative to letting Arthur leave that would be safe enough to suggest. The only way he knew the keep Arthur as close as possible without giving to much of his intentions away. He knew Arthur's eyes were closed, but he spoke anyway.
"Would you like to spend the night? I have a guest room that's very comfortable if you don't feel like heading home right now," Merlin said, keeping his voice as level as possible so Arthur wouldn't get suspicious.
Arthur mulled that over, the flicker of interest in his eyes not lost on Merlin when their eyes locked. He knew he was taking advantage of the fragile emotional state the blond was in and that that was the reason Arthur was thinking about agreeing to his offer. But he couldn't help himself, not after the talk they'd just had.
"Okay. I probably shouldn't be driving right now anyway. I'm not exactly at my best at the moment. A few hours of sleep should help me get my bearings back and it'll eliminate the risk of falling asleep behind the wheel. I'll crash here," Arthur said, smiling a little.
Merlin didn't speak anymore then. Instead, he pulled Arthur to his feet. He then led him up the stairs and to the end of the corridor, where he pushed open the door to the guestroom he'd spoken of before. It was right beside his own.
He gently pushed Arthur towards the bed, disappearing for a minute to retrieve one of his shirts and a pair of pyjama pants for Arthur to sleep in. He wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in his jeans, after all. Arthur bowed his head lightly in thanks, and Merlin nodded. It was all they needed. They were still communicating without words, much like they'd done when they'd first been together.
"Sleep tight. I have enough food to make breakfast for both of us and you're very welcome here, so don't worry about anything, okay? Just get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning," Merlin gently said.
"I'll be out like a log as soon as my head hits the pillow," Arthur predicted, making Merlin laugh aloud. He was sure Arthur was right. The yawn downstairs had been a good indication, as was the fact Arthur's eyes were already dropping close as they spoke.
Merlin then made himself scarce, letting Arthur get into the clothes he'd brought him as he walked over to his own bed. It was difficult not to rush to his aid in getting undressed; it was becoming very obvious old habits die hard, especially when the situation was so similar to the lead-in to their relationship the first time around.
"I really have to get over this, or I'm going to make a fool out of myself one of these days," Merlin groaned, barely succeeding in keeping his voice low enough not to be heard by Arthur. Maybe he should have taken the couch after putting Arthur in bed to create some more distance between them than a single wall, which felt rather thin at the moment. Then again, he'd have drifted up here to seek the closeness he had this way, there was no denying it.
Merlin sighed, turning onto his back. Nothing was ever easy. He'd learnt that a long time ago, even before he'd left Ealdor. Gaius, Kilghara and even Arthur had made sure he remembered that at all times by the things they'd asked of him and had done themselves in the years he'd known them.
When he turned onto his side, the warlock saw that the full moon was no longer right in front of his widow. That was a pity; the moon touching his skin was one of the things that made it easier for him to fall asleep. His magic responded to it as well, as the moon had always been important the those who practiced the Old Religion. Even in these modern times, Merlin still did that.
The warlock now closed his eyes, the fatigue drawing him in. The sweet pull of it was undeniable now. Arthur had been right before; work had been even more hectic than usual in the last two weeks. Add to that the fact he had still visited the children's ward and anyone would say it wasn't strange he was this tired.
He let his body relax, allowing sleep to weigh him down. It was a process he adhered to no matter what, and as always he felt the world disappear around him after mere minutes. He let it, the memories that always accompanied him into sleep rising to the surface as the darkness gradually deepened.
And that night, unlike in the previous years, they were more than memories. They were images of hope for the future as well. There was no way he was going to let go of that hope until he had no choice. And he was praying with all his might that he would never have to do that.
Because that would be the death of him.