Chapter 5

Cupid is Stupid But Candy is Good February 2011

Once again it is Valentine's Day. It's not a surprise since every February 14th is Valentine's Day. Plenty of red and pink decorations decorated the halls of Hollywood Arts. I hate pink. When your one half of the most talked about couples in school everyone wants to know what your plans are for the holiday. I don't do girl talk so don't ask me. If I want you to know I will tell you. My standard response is that my plans are none of your business also do you really think I will be partaking in eating candy hearts that taste like chalk, drawing hearts on my notebooks (hearts do look that, they look like a fist with tubes), or any of that other stupid stuff? Beck and I celebrate in our own way because we are creative and not followers. I am ok with chocolate or sweets and I like to watch flowers die or cut them up. On our first Valentine's Day last year Beck and I watched a horror film. We are continuing that tradition this year. Therefore, Beck and I ate cake while we watched The Omen. He gave me a Venus Fly trap plant, they eat bugs right in front of your eyes! I got Beck a cactus. We're on the same wave length!

The Diddly Bops February 2011

Money. Money is why actors take lame or embarrassing jobs. I have now taken an embarrassing disgusting job. Sikowitz rich friend was having a birthday party and the Wagga Fuggles were supposed to perform. The Wagg Fuffles died in a fiery plane crash. Myself and our lunch group agreed to perform for the kids. Creating a song for little kids wasn't easy. We eventually settled on a song about favorite foods. We dressed up in food costumes. I was a giant hamburger. I refused to pick a costume so Tori cornered Beck and made him chose for me. He chose hamburger. It's his favorite food. It was hard to get my boobs in the hamburger. I only did it for the money. Cat, of course enjoyed it, she signed us up for other performances, fat chance. Cat and the desperate fame whore Trina continued on the band of favorite foods until their unprepared selves got them kicked out of their performance by preschoolers. You have o be pretty bad to be not only booed but stormed off of the stage by preschoolers. It was a joy to see all that stuffing come off of them as Andre, and the girl he can apparently never sing without, sang in the background during lunch concert performance week. Now, I have to go Beck and I are babysitting Ben tonight. When I asked if Beck could come over so he could help me babysit my father said no so then I told him that Beck and I already had plans to hang out so I wouldn't be able to babysit unless Beck could come over and help me. My father was staunchly standing by his position. What does he think Beck and I are going to lose our virginity in between watching Barney and cooking macaroni and cheese? It was my father and his wife's anniversary so Kelly assured him that everything would be fine. I have to go pick up Beck now for a night filled with noisy toys and stinky diapers. At least Ben has quit being a fountain of saliva.

Ben's 1st Birthday Match 2011

So today was Ben's 1st birthday. I'm glad that he is older now because he slobbers a lot less. I got him a little toy piano and baby drum set. I figure he can drive his parents crazy by repeatedly banging on it and when I am with him we will have something interesting to do. There was a birthday party at my father and Kelly's house. I brought Beck with me, which was nice since I wasn't alone in the sea of Kelly's family and the mothers and babies from their playgroup. My father's family did not show up. They sent their gifts and my grandmother invested in an IRA or something for the baby. They just couldn't make the short drive all the way from Montecito. My father questioned why I had brought my "little boyfriend" to a family function. My response was that I am only genetically related to him and the birthday boy so I don't know what he meant by family function.

The party had a Mickey Mouse theme. Don't even get me started about Mickey Mouse or those Sesame Street characters. They all have speech impediments yet are tasked with teaching the children of America. I'm surprised that there aren't of bunch of kids running around with speech impediments that were not born with them but only acquired them because they were taught to talk by Elmo. I guess you could say that I have watched a lot more baby tv lately since Ben was born. I certainly didn't watch much of that crap when I was a kid. Kelly says that it is very educational programming. Beck says my observations on kids tv is very amusing.

As a kid I spent my days coloring and reading. I was watching the West Wing by 2nd grade not Big Bird. My mom always took me with her places and we spent our time fighting boredom at home. Kelly takes Ben to mommy and me and mommy groups, which sounds stupid. I remember some of the stuff my mom and I did before my dad ruined everything. She didn't work so we spent a lot of time together. We were once in this theatre program for little kids and their moms, we took art classes together, went to the beach and desert, had picnics, watched movies, spent hours practicing my ballet moves, and went around LA collecting flowers and leaves to press for art projects. We would walk around the neighborhood or drive around town and stop when we saw some plant we liked. We would take turns being lookout and the other person would sneakily get the flower or leaf and then race back to cover. These days mom's all about her job, friends, boyfriend, and saying,"No Jade you can't get a tattoo." We never trespass together anymore. I will give my mom credit for one thing. I did learn how to be suspicious and sneak around from her. I didn't have a babysitter growing up. They all quit or when I got a little older and wised up I would refuse to stay with them or play sick so my mom wouldn't leave. I would also do things to manipulate them into quitting. Those Von Trapp kids had nothing on me. So I had to go everywhere with my mother. For instance, my mom would say we were just waiting in the car to buy time before we had to be somewhere or we were going to surprise my dad. We were really spying on him and looking for his mistresses.

Wok Star March 2011

I've been writing a play for the past few months. I got this idea in my head and I just couldn't stop writing. I named my play "Well Wishes". It is about a girl who drowns in her own tears after falling into a well. Her father finds her and she is brought back to life. I got the idea from a news story about a kid that fell in a well after being chased by a creepy neighbor trying to kill her. Most of my plays have tragic endings but I decided that I would have the girl look like she was dead and then I would surprise the audience by having her be alive. I was really pleased with what I had written. I used a lot of dark symbolic imagery and the neighbor was a classic creep. I gave it to the play committee at school because there have been a few times when they will put on a school play written by a student. They said that they loved the play but that it was too disturbing to put on at school. I was really hoping to put it on because I would have been the first underclassmen to have my play performed at school. I could invite my father and finally get him off my back about how I was wasting my time at HA. I spent the next two classes held up in the janitor's closet. Beck and everybody found me where Tori suggested that I just find somebody to put up the money. I of course got her to find somebody. The answer to my problem was Mrs. Lee. The catch was that she wanted to add music to my play and have her talentless daughter Daisy be in it. She was a real annoying stage mother. I actually felt bad for the kid. Then, someone came up with a brilliant idea. We can have Mrs. Lee preoccupied so that I can stage the play the way I want it opening night and invite my dad. Believe it or not that person was Cat! The plan worked. My play was performed as intended and my dad actually seemed proud of me and liked the play. I've never seen my dad like much of anything. My mom was also at opening night, which was nerve wrecking since my dad and wife number two were there as well. I can count on one hand the number of times the three of them have been in one room. Luckily, they all stayed in their separate corners and did not say a word to each other. Beck also invited his parents to the play. They sat with my mom. Beck just told me that they were interested in seeing my play but I'm pretty sure he wanted them to come so they could see me do something that wouldn't make me look like the goth loser they think I am. I would have liked Beck to have been there for opening night but I felt better with him at the restaurant because I don't trust anyone else to ensure that the mission was successful. After the play was over I gave Vega her thank you and a hug to top it off. Credit is due where credit is due and Beck was greatly pleased with this. After it was all over Beck, me, my mom, and his parents had cake to celebrate, it wasn't too excruciating.

Locked Up March 2011

Spring Break is here. I knew Beck was going to spend the vacation with his family. They were all renting a house in Mexico on the beach. I was going to be alone and bored. My mom has a boyfriend taking up all her time and my dad, well it's not like I'm going to hang out with him. That was until Beck told me that I was going with his family. First, I was mad because he made plans for me. I ended up accepting. I knew it must have taken a lot for Beck's parents to be convinced to allow me to come along. I also didn't want Beck alone on a beach with a bunch of exotic girls or tourists looking for a good time. The trip was then ruined because Beck's aunt found out I was going and wouldn't let me come. Beck told his parents that he refused to come on principle because they said I could come and then let his aunt disinvite me. I was very proud of him. To show my appreciation, since I'm not good with words, I pulled him into the janitor's closet to make out. However, there was a catch. Beck would have to stay with his parent's family friends, The Fitzgerald's, and they have even more strict rules than his parents do. So I would never get to see him. Things had totally backfired. At the last moment, we found out that the rest of our friends were performing at a mountain resort in northern California. I had to ask Vega if I could come. She of course said yes, after I hugged her! The resort was in Yerba, California. Sikowitz was our chaperon. The beds were lumpy, there were only two rooms, and there were rats. The resort was basically dead. Having us perform there was a last ditch effort to attract guests. People from town would come to the resort for dinner. The town people were weird, like Cat's brother weird. Most of them worked at a local mushroom factory. They called Yerba the mushroom capital of California, what an accomplishment! The freaks never shut up about their mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. During the performance on our first night Tori's shoe flew off and hit the sheriff in the eye. He wanted to fine us all. He thought we were tree hugging high school students and planned the entire thing so that we could save some forest that outsiders were upset was going to be cut down to further mushroom production. The fine was $500 dollars apiece, double what we were making by performing there. Long story short, Robbie made things worse but we were able to perform a Michael Jackson number, the sheriff was a fan, the performance went great, and he dropped the fines.

The Great Ping Pong Scam March 2011

Vega is now part of the ping pong team. She blackmailed us into letting her join. She is so desperate that she, sweet sally peaches, blackmailed us so that she could be part of a ping pong team that is really a cover for stealing the school's money so that we can eat a fancy tasty expensive dinner. She is that desperate to be part of something and have friends. So Vega got to accompany us to dinner. I did not tell her to bring a dress to wear so she was stuck in her ping pong uniform. That was my revenge for her joining the team. Cat went on and on about lobster potatoes while Sikowitz flirted with the waitress. Beck joked that when he was a famous rich actor he would buy me dinner here in legal and legitimate ways. I whispered back that it wouldn't be nearly as hot as our sketchy way of paying for this dinner now. He also confessed why he, usually the moral one, went along with forming the ping pong team in the first place. My reasoning sounded appealing to him, having a club on our college resumes that we didn't actually have to do the work for and he knew I would find his willingness to go along with our scheme impressive. Dinner was going great until Robbie almost got us all arrested. He ordered a bowl of caviar so we could not afford our bill. He didn't know that caviar was so expensive. He is such an idiot. Anyone over eight years old knows that caviar is expensive. Vega and Andre ended up getting the bill taken care of as the musical performers were absent and disappointed costumers needed to hear something pretty while they ate. So Tori and Andre sang in exchange for our excess bill being forgiven. So, Tori saved the day, in my dress. Fanfreakingtastic!

PS Beck said he really liked the dress on me and we had an intense make out session in the car before heading home.

Hockey March 2011

Well, I guess there is one decent thing to come out of Canada. Hockey. Beck too. Hockey is a violent sport and not something played by wimps. I went to Beck's house earlier today and he was still watching a hockey game with his dad. He just had to wait until it was over before he could hang out with me. I wasn't going to hang out with his mother so I sat next to Beck waiting for it to be over. The players broke out into a fight. More players joined in on the fight instead of trying to stop it. They fight on ice in skates which makes it even more dangerous. It was awesome. To conclude, hockey should be more popular in America. When the hockey game ended Beck and I went swimming in his family's pool. We ate dinner with them too. After dinner Beck and I were helping his mom clean up the kitchen. Beck's dad asked him to help him with something outside. Turns out it was a total set up. Beck's mom basically gave me the sex talk. She opened the lecture with,"It's nice that you and Beck have been together for so long, especially since you're so young. You two seem quite close. I don't want to over step my boundaries here or embarrass you but I just wanted to say that….." What followed was a lot of words like waiting, patience, being prepared, being safe, waiting until after high school or better yet after college, unplanned pregnancy happens all the time, and waiting makes things even more special. I think the winner was when Mrs. Oliver told me that the prospect of making love may be exciting but after you begin making love that excitement dies down so that's why waiting is best." It was rather awkward and it was a good thing that I was drying the dishes because I'm pretty sure that Mrs. Oliver would have dropped a glass or too. I could see the sweat forming on her brow line. Good thing she hadn't noticed the hickey on my shoulder hiding under my shirt or the one almost gone on Beck's shoulder. Luckily, Beck and his dad walked in and Beck walked me home. Once we were outside I informed Beck of his mother's talk with me or to me. Turns out Beck's dad had given him an abbreviated version. It included things like, "You have enough to worry about and sex just adds to more worry. Your young and fertile you will therefore get pregnant so wait. Just please be safe you can buy condoms at just about any store but try to wait until after graduation but not like prom night or the night of graduation because a lot of girls get pregnant on those nights and it will change your life forever." After rehashing our horror stories I informed Beck that I told his mother that we weren't interested in making love, just having sex. Beck looked as though he may pass out so I told him I was kidding and said nothing other than ok to his mother.

The Wood April 2011

We had a chance at fame. It blew up in our face. Basically the producers of a new reality show called "The Wood" wanted to document the lives of high school students living in Hollywood. Fame hungry Trina of course was vying for a spot. Eager Tori and always looking for a good time Andre were more than willing to audition. Beck and I weren't interested in the being reality stars, we are serious about acting, not willing to be this month's flavor. However, we are not stupid. We know it can take decades and turning your back on your dignity and pride before you make it in show business. Can you blame us for being willing to take part in a realty show that could jumpstart our careers and cut down on the starving artist part of our lives? Well, Andre, Beck, Tori, and I were cast. When we sat down to watch our advanced copy of the pilot we were in for a surprise. The producers made it look like Tori and Beck were having a secret affair. Before I was informed of this plot manipulation I attacked Tori. I was saving Beck for later. A competition emerged between the boys and Tori and I to see who could create the most drama. Why were we willing to forgo our dignity and give the producers the scandal they wanted? Well, I guess we got caught up in the challenge the producers presented us and the twisted logic that we were improvising. When Tori and I upped the ante but broke the wrong car Lane put an end to our reality stardom. The episodes we filmed before Lane pulled the plug will never air. Northridge high students took our places. I think it worked out for the best because I actually started to work with Tori and that is disgusting.