((Another prompt from kink meme, I hope you all enjoy it. I am experimenting with dialogue only writing so this will hopefully not turn out terribly. I own nothing. Enjoy!))

Australian Migration

~~~~~~~~~~~~ON~WITH~THE~SHOW~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(This is the transcript of the 789,456th World Meeting located in Berlin, Germany and dealing with the "Australian Drunken Relocation Incident of 2014." The following transcript has been translated from the First Tongue of Nations into English by historian Mark Bigglestine of New Hampshire University in the year 2023.)

Germany: Alright, alright. Everyone settle down. We have called this emergency meeting of the Nations to discuss the events of the past three nights, February 15-17. Now—

Australia: Oi, do you think you can keep it down? My head's about to split open.

Germany: No. You only have yourself to blame for both your headache and the reason we are all having this meeting in the first place.

Australia: Motion that we end this meeting under the basis that it is both discrimination against me and very unfair to me.

Germany: Motion ignored.

Australia: I could just whine and whine until you cancel this stupid meeting…

Germany: I live with Prussia and Italy often drops in unannounced and stays for days. I am immune.

Britain: Can we get on with this! What the hell were you even thinking, Kyle Laertes Kirkland! I swear I raised you better than this—

Australia: Right, being a prison colony is just the best way to make sure someone grows up as a normal productive member of the world community. Really great job there.

England: …It's America's fault, I knew it.

America: HEY!

Germany: SHUT UP! Australia, give us an account of what possessed you to do as you did and how you did it over the past three days.

Australia: Okay, look I was really, REALLY drunk the day after Valentine's Day—

Italy: Why, ve?

Australia: To help me get over the hangover I would have had on Valentine's Day otherwise, duh. You know hair of the kangaroo that eviscerated you?

Prussia: Makes sense.

Germany: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!

Australia: Germany, stop yelling! God, my head…

Cuba: Look we are getting off topic and I want my fucking house back where it belongs, so continue the story, Prison Brat.

Australia (mumbles): See if you get your house back now…

Cuba: What was that?!

Australia: SO! I was really pissed the day after V's Day in both the English and American slang of the word. I was drunk, REALLY drunk, I cannot stress that enough; and I was angry because yet another Valentine's Day had passed and once again you assholes refused to invite me over to the Valentine Orgy Party!

America: Dudes… you guys have an orgy on Valentine's Day? Seriously? How come Canada and I aren't invited? DISCRIMINATION!

England: …It really isn't an orgy. And you are much too young for that anyway!

France: I don't know what party you went to my darling Eyebrows, but it certainly was an orgy. Oh, I still remember Germany's little dance involving (Editor's note: the next part has been censored due to German request) and I still don't know how Austria could do that (Editor's note: this part was also censored but due to Austrian request this time)… really it was all a huge amount of fun.

America: Wow. That is something.

France: Oh yes.

Australia: SEE! That isn't fair that I miss out on that EVERY DAMN YEAR! So while I was drunk, I was talking to this really nice trollop (Editor's note: For those unfamiliar with Australian slang, Australia is saying he was speaking to a "lady of the night" aka a prostitute.) And she and everyone else in the pub all agreed that it was because we were too far south. If we were up there with you lot, you would have to invite us to the parties. So I said to her, "Damn it but that is a good idea Sarah." (Editor's note: The woman's name has been changed from Susan Shalleks of Sydney to protect her identity.) And THAT is when I decided to move my house to the middle of the Northern Atlantic Ocean. The next three days were kind of a blur because to help me move my house, I made everyone give me their Oiler can of Fosters (Editor's note: an oiler can is a very large can of beer.) so that—thanks to the magical power of Australian beer—I could move my house. Don't ask me how I did it 'cause, like I've said, I was so drunk.

France: And yet more evidence of England's great parenting ability.

England: I will strangle you in your sleep with your intestines.

France: Kinky.

Germany: Both of you stop flirting. If you must, then you know which closet has been designated for such carnal affairs. Please use it and keep your sexual congress in the time limits.

((Muffled whispering))

Germany: I have been informed that you've already gone over your allotted "closet time" by three hours, twenty-seven minutes, and fourteen seconds. The time will be coming out of your closet time next world meeting. Switzerland, please make note in the official minutes.

Switzerland: Noted.

Germany: Thank you. Now to continue on—

Australia: SEE! THIS IS WHAT I MEAN! You all get allotted sexy time in a closet?! WHAT THE HELL! Why don't I get any of that?!

Germany: Please desist from the hysterics, Australia; we only do this so we can keep track of Nations easier during EU meetings. Nothing more or less so please don't act like we're excluding you.

Cuba: Well this has all been fascinating, but I'm more concerned with GETTING MY HOUSE BACK!

Germany: Thank you Cuba. Now Australia during your, shall we say, migration north you did considerable damage. You molested Brazil—

Australia: You've seen her knockers and that cute little ass, right? I'm not the only one who's wanted to tap that. You're just jealous that you've got a ball and chain.

Italy: Ve~ Germany likes those things in bed though…

South Italy: Sick potato bastard.

Germany: BACK ON TOPIC! You also attacked Spain with dung bombs—

Australia: That was just funny and a gift to England

Germany: You flashed your genitals at Nigeria, Morocco, and South Africa—

Australia: I heard he was good in the sack and wanted him to know that I was willing to test those tales.

Germany: AND crashed into many of the Nations in the Caribbean, managing to not only cause as yet unknown amounts of property damage (Editor's note: the final calculation was $247,567.82 from property damage, but the ecological damage from the 5,674,898 empty Fosters' Oiler Cans is still unknown.) but you also got both Cuba and the US's state of Florida to get stuck on your house.

Australia: Yeah… I've been meaning to ask… America? What, what is it like to have tits now and be a girl? And before Germany yells again, I would like to state that I am asking ONLY out of scientific curiosity and because everyone wants to know.

America: Well, once I got over the searing pain, the ensuing panic over no longer having a penis, and the gender-identity confusion that comes with having spontaneous, unplanned gender realignment surgery… it's been kind of fun. I mean, watch. (Editor's notes: According to notes taken by other Nations and eyewitness accounts, it was at this time that America got up on a table and did an erotic dance that involved mostly shaking her new body around and, quote, "jiggling those huge hooters like they were a pair of jello shots.") It's really fun to do. Like two big soft balloons on my chest that I can jiggle around at will. Now I will want Florida back—especially Disney world, in fact if you don't give at least Disney back in twenty-four hours, I am declaring war on your ass—but for now I want to experiment a little. I mean, who gets the chance to have sex as both a boy and a girl? So! I'm heading to the closet and would like to extend an open invitation to anyone here, male or female, to come and help me find out.

((Noise erupts at this point and it is hard to hear anything. According to eyewitnesses all the Nations scramble after America.))

Germany: ORDER, ORDER! Australia you will sit back down… you too England, France! You both have already gone over your time in the closet.

England: I-I was not… I w-was just going to uh, er… help America, um… keep the, uh, unwanted bastards away! Yes! That's it! I… It wasn't like I wanted to… er, what I uh mean is that I don't have an, ah, interest or anything… so silly. S-so if you could, er, let me go… help America, I would—

France: Very smooth, England. Everyone believes you.

England: I hate you. Go to hell.

France: Considering that I am here with you against my will instead of helping America learn her new anatomy? I can safely state that I'm already there.

Germany: Since it appears that no one wishes to take part in this discussion anymore… I will call this meeting to a close and we will re-open the discussion at the next meeting.

Cuba: Oh well that is just great, I mean, just because my entire house has been kidnapped and forcibly relocated, don't let that trouble you! It's not like I liked having a home! Oh no! I've been meaning to try being homeless for awhile but never got around to clearing my fucking schedule!

Australia: Hey, hey Cuba… why don't we head down to the pub? We can discuss this whole "I've-kidnapped-your-house-while-drunk" thing and you can see that having me around isn't too bad. We'll have a few drinks, see where the night takes us and then head back to our place. Maybe later I can show you why Aussies are on the top ten of best lovers list…

(End transcript.)

Oh my god. I hope this was at least a little funny or something. Please read and review and let me know if you have anything you want me to write for you or suggestions for a pairing you want to see or a continuation of a different tale? I love you all!

TO MY ANON REVIEWERS:

Guest (1/18/13): I am glad you liked England as a secret agent! I will try to write more tales about him. And high five for loving scrubs! Great show… thanks for reviewing and telling me you liked my story. I appreciate it so much.

MUCH LOVE,

91REDROSES