Left alone
No one to care
No one to love
No one to dare
To Inquire
What Im thinking of
If they did
Though I doubt
They would know the ache inside
That I have not learned
To live without
- DNL235
I wake up, blinded by bright white. I cover my eyes, as they adjust, I swear I can hear something... No someone. I remove my hand, that is sheltering my overwhelmed vision. I see spots, as it clears. I see extremely white walls, not the bright light I was hoping for. I look at my wrists, they are wrap, there are pink stains in the gauze. I am disoriented, as my senses come back one at a time.
Next I hear a soft beep, accompanied by a faint call. Someone is crying out my name. As my ears begin to ring, I closes my eyes tide, cupping my hands over my delicate ears. As the faint beep, gets louder, and louder, as I cry out in pain.
Until i fell my body being shaken, a firm grip on my upper arms. Worried but curious I slowly open my eyes to see a familiar face, contorted features, covered with concern.
" what's wrong?" The voice is soft, it's a sheer delight, drowning out the rest of the wails in my head.
" Its too loud" I squeal, as I begin to thrash about, pleading for the it to stop. Door opens, as I hear a commotion that I try and ignore, but its so LOUD! Sharp pain in my head, as i continue to cry out in pain. My hearing still dangerously sensitive, until the outraging, loud beeping ceases. An unknown force physically demands me to return to my back, from my side. As a cold, circular object is planted on my chest.
Unaware of who, or what there doing I begin to panic, the screeching sound returns. As I gasp for air, I hear a voice " Shouta, calm down. Everything will be fine, just relax" I try listening to the voice, inhaling deep breaths, commanding me nerves to settle down. As the aggravating noise disappears, my body releases the tense feeling it was clinging to.
The door swings open, then closes once more. I lower my hands from my ears, placing them at my side. Seeing blackness, forgetting my eyes are shut tight. As I settle back into reality. I feel a warmth in my hand, I look down to view someone is holding mine, in theirs.
As I look up I see a gentle smile appear on his elegant face. I'm filled to the brim with joy seeing his beautiful features. Until it fades away, as his hand wipes away the tears strolling down my bright checks , i was so mesmerized by his face, that i was unaware of the steady fall of water droplets form my eyes.
He momentarily lets go of my hand, pulls up a chair near my bedside, then sits down. Grabbing my hand once more. He opens his mouth, then clasps it shut. I'm sure he is nervous, I just wish he would say something. Anything, even yelling would be better then this awkward silence, its tainting the air. I was about to break this battle of wills until.
" So how do you feel?"
I was shocked by his comment, I was sure he was going to get angry. " fine."
" Don't lie to me, if your where truly ' fine' you wouldn't have done what you did." His voice raising in volume.
Here's the anger I was looking for, but I can't answer his question. Because I don't really don't know myself. How can I explain what I don't comprehend? I'm just so confused, lost, scared. Because I don't think I want to know the truth. " I not sure, it's hard to explain"
His hold on my hand tightens " please try." He see the hesitation in my eyes, " Kisa, please try."
I take a deep breath, before I try to explain " I got home last night, tired, as usual. Yet there was something different. I FELT different, a heavily weight on my chest. I was just going through the motions. I was more then ready to be enveloped by sleep, but i couldn't. I wanted to, but COULDN'T. Your call woke me up, at first I was angry. Until I realized it was late afternoon. This dark feeling, it just kept GROWING inside." I stopped too scared to go on. I lower my head, ashamed of my actions, my selfishness. Truthfully, I wasn't thinking. I didn't think about my future, simply acted upon impulse. Most importantly I didn't want to hurt Kou, I love him. I'm just so afraid of being left behind, I've trusted before. I paid the price, this time I refuse to pay again.
As I lose myself in thought, his gentle, soft hand lifts my chin planting a delicate kiss on my dry lips, moistening mine with his. " Kisa, you can trust me. I understand your scared , but whatever you tell me, I won't let go. I won't judge. I LOVE YOU, there is no room in my heart for anything, except positive emotions for you."
He firmly embraces me, as I weep on his shoulder. I am more then scared, I am petrified. I may have survived this time, but it was only by divine grace. How can I trust, when every fiber of my being, tells me not to? How can I open up, when the mere idea of letting someone in makes me want to crawl into a corner? I love him SO much, without reason, without question, without doubt. That's what terrifies me the most, I'm being blinded by my emotions, my foolish desires. I perish the thought of leaving him, but if I give in, I will lose myself in him. My grand facade will slip away, my mask will crumble. I think the thing that I fear the most, is if I give in, if I lose myself, I WON'T care. I will be content, being whatever he wants me to be. What ever he NEEDS me to be.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hate this place
Just like I hate you
Your violent and cruel
Obnoxious and rude
But I don't give any tude
I have committed no sin
Though spite I receive
I loathe my imprisonment
But most I loathe thee
My unjustly abuse
From those I've caused no harm or ware.
So why do they insist
And continue to tear
-DNL235